Aircraft Resource Center

                                 

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Friday Sept 30  2011

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

Ever notice how a 4 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult voices? Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my
next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

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Thursday Sept 29  2011

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again. "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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Wednesday Sept 28  2011

A cowboy walks Into a barber’s shop, sits in the barber’s chair and says: ‘I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.’  The barber begins to lather the cowboy’s face and sharpen the old  straight edge, while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen kneels down and begins to shine his shoes. The cowboy says: ‘Young lady, you and I should spend some time in a hotel room.’ She replies: ‘I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.’  

The cowboy says: ‘Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.’ She answers: ‘You tell  him. He’s the one shaving you.’

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Tuesday Sept 27  2011

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital.

It was sent by a medical doctor - Make sure to read what is in the closing statement AFTER THE POEM.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

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Monday Sept 26  2011

Female Guinness Book of Records

Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts. 

Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party.  Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later. 

Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

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Friday Sept 23  2011

Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath.  Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour.  She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups.  At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.

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Thursday Sept 24  2011

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out. 
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" 

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

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Wednesday Sept 21  2011

WISDOM OF A WIFE............

There is still a lot of wisdom with age.

When I was married 30 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot, 25 year old blonde every night. 

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde, and she would make SURE that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed. 

Aren't older women great??!!! They really know how to solve your mid-life crises! 

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Tuesday Sept 20  2011

Some Party

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "Who am I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is" 

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that"

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

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Monday Sept 19  2011

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
 
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
 
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jean!
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-xxx-xxxx" 
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space"
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
 
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

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Friday Sept 16  2011

Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

 

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

 

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Thursday Sept 15  2011

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade.  Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 degrees F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 degrees F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 g) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is
normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories. Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus, the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature.

The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

A way to significantly improve the results would be to ***cook*** the pizza, then put it in the refrigerator overnight and eat it (cold) the next morning. Since the pizza would be below body temp, it would  provide even greater calorie loss to the body!

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

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Wedesday Sept 14  2011

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one, an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.  

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"  

"Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't."
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
AGONY for all eternity??"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Tuesday Sept 13  2011

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital.

It was sent by a medical doctor - Make sure to read what is in the closing statement AFTER THE POEM.

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

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Monday Sept 12  2011

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the countryif they could find the timeand if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who is running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

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Friday Sept 9  2011

DEMOCRATIC 
You have two cows. 
Your neighbor has none. 
You feel guilty for being successful. 
Barbara Streisand sings for you. 

REPUBLICANISM 
You have two cows. 
Your neighbor has none. 
So? 

SOCIALIST 
You have two cows. 
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. 
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. 

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. 
The government seizes both and provides you with milk. 
You wait in line for hours to get it. 
It is expensive and sour. 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE 
You have two cows. 
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE 
You have two cows. 
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. 

AMERICAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. 
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. 
Your stock goes up. 

FRENCH CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You go on strike because you want three cows. 
You go to lunch and drink wine. 
Life is good. 

JAPANESE CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. 
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. 
Most are at the top of their class at cow school. 

GERMAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You engineer them so they give excellent quality milk, drink lots of beer, and run a hundred miles an hour. 
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. 

ITALIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. 
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. 
You break for lunch. 
Life is good. 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You have some vodka. 
You count them and learn you have five cows. 
You have some more vodka. 
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. 
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. 

TALIBAN CORPORATION 
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. 
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. 
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. 

IRAQI CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
They go into hiding. 
They send radio tapes of their mooing. 

BELGIAN CORPORATION 
You have one cow. 
The cow is schizophrenic. 
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. 
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. 
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. 
The cow asks permission to be cut in half. 
The cow dies happy. 

FLORIDA CORPORATION 
You have a black cow and a brown cow. 
Everyone votes for the best looking one. 
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. 
Some people vote for both. 
Some people vote for neither. 
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. 
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. 

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION 
You have millions of cows. 
They make real California cheese. 
Only five speak English.. 
Most are illegals. 
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. 

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Thursday Sept 8  2011

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . 

They hired him because he was so funny..... 


NAME: Jack Buckley (Grumpy Bastard) 

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate) 

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President.  But seriously, whatever's available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ? 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. 

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A C AR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. 

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! 
On my breaks - yes! 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YE ARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. 
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. 

NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR 
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. 

***Older People Rock!

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Wednesday Sept 7  2011

Lost Wife 

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” 

“Why?” she asks. 

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

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Tuesday Sept 6  2011

T-SHIRTS FOR PEOPLE WHO TAKE NO CRAP:
 1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
 2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
 3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
 4. Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.
 5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
 6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk AND piss you off at the same time.
 7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
 8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
 9. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
 10. Guys have feelings too. But like . . . who cares?
 11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
 12. Next mood swing . . . 6 minutes.
 13. I hate everybody and you're next.
 14. Please don't make me kill you.
 15. And your point is . . . ?
 16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
 17. All stressed out and no one to choke.
 18. I'd ask if I cared.

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Monday Sept 5  2011

Biology class
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "F*ck," the rottweiler ate him!"

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Friday Sept 2  2011

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

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Thursday Sept 1  2011

DEMOCRATIC 
You have two cows. 
Your neighbor has none. 
You feel guilty for being successful. 
Barbara Streisand sings for you. 

REPUBLICANISM 
You have two cows. 
Your neighbor has none. 
So? 

SOCIALIST 
You have two cows. 
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. 
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. 

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. 
The government seizes both and provides you with milk. 
You wait in line for hours to get it. 
It is expensive and sour. 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE 
You have two cows. 
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE 
You have two cows. 
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. 

AMERICAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. 
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. 
Your stock goes up. 

FRENCH CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You go on strike because you want three cows. 
You go to lunch and drink wine. 
Life is good. 

JAPANESE CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. 
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. 
Most are at the top of their class at cow school. 

GERMAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You engineer them so they give excellent quality milk, drink lots of beer, and run a hundred miles an hour. 
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. 

ITALIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. 
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. 
You break for lunch. 
Life is good. 

RUSSIAN CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
You have some vodka. 
You count them and learn you have five cows. 
You have some more vodka. 
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. 
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. 

TALIBAN CORPORATION 
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. 
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. 
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. 

IRAQI CORPORATION 
You have two cows. 
They go into hiding. 
They send radio tapes of their mooing. 

BELGIAN CORPORATION 
You have one cow. 
The cow is schizophrenic. 
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. 
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. 
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. 
The cow asks permission to be cut in half. 
The cow dies happy. 

FLORIDA CORPORATION 
You have a black cow and a brown cow. 
Everyone votes for the best looking one. 
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. 
Some people vote for both. 
Some people vote for neither. 
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. 
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. 

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION 
You have millions of cows. 
They make real California cheese. 
Only five speak English.. 
Most are illegals. 
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. 

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