Monday Oct 31 2011
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets
into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get
a chance to see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Friday Oct 28 2011
Gems of Wisdom
1. Do not walk
behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do
not walk beside me, either; just piss off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
23. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Thursday Oct 27 2011
A pilot died at the controls of his
aircraft and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three
The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." He looked at the newly arrived pilot and said, "I'll be right back, don't go away," and he vanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, the pilot peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while the pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.
Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while several crew chiefs diligently put the final touches on a perfectly maintained aircraft and other crew chiefs help him out of the ops truck and carry his helmet bag. The crew chiefs even brought him coffee and saluted sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.
He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.
"Okay," said the devil, "which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"
"Um, I want door number 3," answered the pilot.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's Crew Chief Hell."
Wednesday Oct 26 2011
A mother was working in the kitchen,
listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on,
get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, pleaseremember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue,
"For those of you just boarding,we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen!
Tuesday Oct 25 2011
Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food.
turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health.
One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then.."
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "But what were you in prison for?"
Monday Oct 24 2011
Due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible or bulletproof.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
Friday Oct 21 2011
DO REDHEADED BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust".
Thursday Oct 20 2011
to Wannabe Fighter Pilot:
The following E-Mail originated from a young kid who sent it to AETC (Air Education and Training Command) wanting to know how to prepare himself for a future career as a fighter jock.
To Lt Col Van Wickler:
Sir, I am DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F16 fighter pilot of the USAF. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in my life?
What could I do to get in the academy?
From: VanWickler Kenneth, Lt Col, HQ AETC
Anybody want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace?
A worldly and jaded C130 Pilot, Major Hunter Mills rose to the task!
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots to be pompous, back-stabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes -- as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically.
However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming an USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative: What you REALLY want to aspire to is the exiting, challenging, and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing -- the venerable, workhorse -- THE >C-130!
I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 ft above the ground, while trying to interpret a 9-line to a new DZ, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS -- all while eating a box lunch, with the engineer in the back taking a piss and the navigator puking in his trash can!
I tell you, DJ -- TAC Airlift is where it's at!
Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HMMWVs, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car!
No where else can you land on a 3000' dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff off the ramp without even stopping, then take off again before range control can call to tell you did your touch and go at the wrong LZ!
And talk about exotic travel. When C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere -- usually for 3 months, unfortunately. This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture enough to give any natives a bad taste in their mouths re the USAF and Americans in general -- not something those strat-lift pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!
As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:
Take a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world and when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing -- and the nav believes he owes the other 20%.
Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the shits catches up to you from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce!
Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in the world -- and then be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.
A foreign language is helpful, but not required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France
and it's much easier to ignore them and go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: Waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre". In Spain it's "Hey, Pedro" -- and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario." These terms of address also work in other countries interchangeably -- depending upon the level of swarth, couth and debonair of the linguist.
A study of geography is also paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to you living room wall -- right next to that gigantic wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.
Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you -- and by the way, forget about that Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big state college would be a much better choice.
Good luck and see you on the SKE scope!
Major Hunter Mills
Wednesday Oct 19 2011
Top Ten Reason's That A
Motorcycle Is Better Than A Woman
10. A motorcycle's curves never sag.
9. You can ride your motorcycle on any day of the month.
8. Your motorcycle will never whine unless something is REALLY wrong.
7. You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.
6. You can share your motorcycle with your friends.
5. If your motorcycle is too loose you can tighten it up without plastic surgery.
4. If you say things to your motorcycle you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
3. Your motorcycle won't insult you if you are a bad rider.
2. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your motorcycle.
And the number one reason that a motorcycle is better than a woman....
If you get a new motorcycle, you don't have to keep sending money to the old one.
Tuesday Oct 18 2011
50 Things Women Would Do To Drive
1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them. Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.
27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.
28. Leave out the good parts in stories.
29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.
30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
32. Declare that you are not wacko.
33. Criticize the way they dress.
34. Criticize the music they listen to.
35. Criticize their hair.
36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.
37. Try to change them.
38. Try to mold them.
39. Try to get them to dance.
40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.
41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.
42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.
43. Blame everything on PMS.
44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.
47. Read into everything.
48. Over-analyze everything.
50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry
Monday Oct 17 2011
A great note for all to read. It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking.
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man couldn't hear the band -- he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped
himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced
a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just
wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.
If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy.
"Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."
People will forget what you said...
People will forget what you did...
But people will never forget how you made them feel...
Friday Oct 14 2011
upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing a lot.
Thursday Oct 13 2011
5 questions most feared by men are:
What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?
makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells thetruth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, with
# 1: What are you thinking about?
proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what
a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky
I am to have met you."
response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is
one of the following:
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg,
"If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to
# 2: Do you love me?
proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
in order, "Yes, dear."
Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Do I look fat?
correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you
Do you think she's prettier than me?
again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you when you were her age
Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you
What would you do if I died?
definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").
matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up
questions, usually along the these lines:
Would you get married again?
Why not-don't you like being married?
Of course I do.
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Okay, I'd get married again.
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
( makes audible groan )
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Where else would we sleep?
Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
And would you let her use my golf clubs?
She can't use them; she's left-handed.
- - - silence - - -
Wednesday Oct 12 2011
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat . I know that McGlynn had one just like mine and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy,! I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."
Tuesday Oct 11 2011
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like having both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog......now THAT's cool."
Monday Oct 10 2011
1. Police in
Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried
to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8. Police in
Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his
head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie
detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steam roller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Friday Oct 7 2011
NOT To Say During Love making
everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me
3. Did I
mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell
5. (in a
janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug
burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a
did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped
cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1:
This is your first time…right? Person 2: Yeah...today.
12. (in the
Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you
please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you
16. On second
thought, let’s turn off the lights.
17. And to
think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for
mouth to mouth.
19. (using body
paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
21. (holding a
banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get
any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to
smear my make-up, will ya!
to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any
26. But I just
brushed my teeth….
you’re on Candid Camera!
28. I thought
you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a
30. So much for
the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. Why am I
doing all the work?
32. Maybe we
should call Dr. Ruth…
33. Did you
know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you
have I ton backwards.
35. When is
this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that
blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that
blood on the headboard?
39. Did I
remember to take my pill?
40. Are you
sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we
got the playboy channel…
42. That leak
better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you
it wouldn’t work without batteries!
44. But my cat
always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell
you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit
smoking you might have more endurance…
really…I do this part better myself!
It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
49. This would
be more fun with a few more people….
50. You’re almost as good as my ex!
Wednesday Oct 5 2011
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna' hate Fridays."
Tuesday Oct 4 2011
For three years, the young attorney
had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd
finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Monday Oct 3 2011
Dirty old men
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very
short skirts and thong panties.
One day a man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the
loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or
general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The female
clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is
located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath
her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two
loaves as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male
customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his
own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each
trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see
the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated
and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the
men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours
"No," croaks the old man, "but it's a quiverin".