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Thursday June 30 2011
I said to my wife, "Guess what I heard in the bar? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman on our road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."
---------------------------
Wednesday June 29 2011
Happy
huntin'!
A father and son went hunting together for the first
time.
The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the
field."
A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling
scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father
asked. "I told you to be quiet." The
son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my
feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a
muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and
held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed
the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we
eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just
panicked."
---------------------------
Tuesday June 28 2011
These are from a book
called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in
court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters -
who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.--------
---------------------------
Monday June 27 2011
The Bathtub
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how he
knew who should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the prospective patient and
then we ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the
plug out. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
---------------------------
Friday June 24 2011
MARRIAGE
SEMINAR
While
attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his
wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each
other."
He
addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite
flower?"
Tom
leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it?"
The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.
---------------------------
Thursday June 23 2011
A hillbilly walks into a home improvement store and says "Give me a chain saw that can cut down ten trees in an hour. So the guy gives him a chain saw. The next day the hillbilly comes back and says "You lied, it only cut down one scrawny baby tree in an hour!" The man behind the desk comes up, grabs the chain saw, gets it's motor running and just then the hillbilly said "Hey! what's that noise?"
---------------------------
Wednesday June 22 2011
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete . . . she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, ICU.
---------------------------
Tuesday June 21 2011
You
know you're "Trailer Trash" when:
1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than
your spouse.
2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner
table in front of her kids.
3.---You're been married three times and still have the same
in-laws.
4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league"
bowls on a different night.
5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired
people."
6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so
clean.
7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying:
"Hey, watch this."
8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.
10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are:
"Gentlemen, start your engines."
12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off
its wheels.
13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on
how much gas is in it.
14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16.---You need one more hole punched in your cards to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.
17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
against it.
1 8.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.
19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
---------------------------
Monday June 20 2011
Tax officials in Valparaiso, Ind., admitted in February that they mistakenly valued one house at $400 million (though its previous assessment was $121,900), and even though they recomputed the owner's bill, they failed to erase from the city budget the $8 million in tax revenue they were expecting from the property, including $3 million that they had already disbursed.
---------------------------
Friday June 17 2011
Lost in the Translation
The American Dairy Association experienced tremendous success with the
campaign, "Got Milk?" It was decided to extend the ads to
Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you
lactating?"
Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the
U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it
turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in
leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it
was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make
a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish:
"It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken
affectionate."
Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to
suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in
German.
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick",
a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for
manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror
they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came
out as "eat your fingers off"
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they
were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v"
is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual
penetration."
Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment
- Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which
also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back,
they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life"
pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings
Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated
the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet
Water."
Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to
get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it
sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs
had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite
the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax,"
depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much
better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with
"ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more
appropriate "happiness in the mouth."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product,
only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a
whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a
highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No
va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere,
the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for
"tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the
cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label.
Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on
the label of what's inside since most people can't read.
In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big
John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the
phrase is slang for "big breasts."
Fiat once tried to sell its "Ritmo" model in Spain. Unfortunately, "Ritmo" was one of the most popular condom brands in Spain at the time.
When Mitsubishi introduced the "Pajero" RV, it literally meant in Argentina "one who masturbates".
---------------------------
Thursday June 16 2011
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
---------------------------
Wednesday June 15 2011
The
5 questions most feared by men are:
1.
What are you thinking about?
2.
Do you love me?
3.
Do I look fat?
4.
Do you think she is prettier than me?
5.
What would you do if I died?
What
makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells
thetruth). Therefore, as a
public service, each question is analyzed below, with possible
responses.
____________________________________________________
Question
# 1: What are you thinking
about?
The
proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent
woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This
response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:
a.
Baseball.
b.
Football.
c.
How fat you are.
d.
How much prettier she is than you.
e.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps
the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once
told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you."
_______________________________________________
Question
# 2: Do you love me?
The
proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate
responses include:
a.
Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c.
That depends on what you mean by love.
d.
Does it matter?
e.
Who, me?
____________________________________________________
Question
# 3:
Do I look fat?
The
correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among
the incorrect answers are:
a.
Compared to what?
b.
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
d.
I've seen fatter.
e.
Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money
if you died.
____________________________________________________
Question
# 4:
Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once
again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect
responses include:
a.
Yes, but you have a better personality
b.
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c.
Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d.
Define pretty
e.
Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money
if you died.
____________________________________________________
Question
# 5:
What would you do if I died?
A
definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a
boat").
No
matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN:
Would you get married again?
MAN:
Definitely not!
WOMAN:
Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN:
Of course I do.
WOMAN:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN:
You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN:
( makes audible groan )
WOMAN:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN:
Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN:
Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?
MAN:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN:
And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN:
She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN:
- - - silence - - -
MAN:
sh*t.
---------------------------
Monday June 13 2011
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
---------------------------
Friday June 10 2011
NEW
RESEARCH FINDINGS ON WOMEN
1.
Tests have shown that women rate 3% higher in
general intelligence than men although their
brain size is smaller. Most women act
dumb to
make their mates look good.
2. Women are
walking radar detectors, that is
why men have difficulty lying to women.
Their
brains have the ability to integrate and
decipher
verbal, visual and other signals of body
language.
3. Women want lots of sex with the man she
loves. Men just want lots of sex.
4. When men flirt, they will lower their pitch
of voice. Women will raise theirs.
5. Women talk and think aloud while men do them
silently. As a result, men think women
talk too
much and are nags.
6. Women talk about their problems as a way of
relieving stress. She wants to be heard,
not
fixed by being offered advice and
solutions.
7. Speech and words are not a specific brain
skill for men. They find it hard to
express
themselves. That's why they often choose
greeting
cards with plenty of words inside.
That way,
there's less space for them to write.
8. Women leave men, not because they are unhappy
with what he can provide, but because
they are
emotionally unfulfilled.
9. Women uses an average of 20,000 communication
words, sounds, and gestures a day. Men
only
use about 7,000.
10. So if a woman is talking to you a lot, she
likes you. But if she's not
talking, you're
in trouble.
11. Men are more thick-skined than women.
Literally.Which explains why women
have more
wrinkles than men.
12. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship,
she can't concentrate on her work.
If a man
is relationship.
13. Men can only do one thing at a time. When
they stop their car to read a
street directory,
they have to turn down the radio.
Women's brains
are configured for multi-tasking
performance.
They can talk on the phone, watch
the TV and
cook at the same time.
14. Most men get a brain hemorrhage after 20
minutes of clothes shopping.
15. When it comes to sex, women need a reason;
men need a place.
16. 15% to 20% of men have feminised brains.
About 10% of women have
masculinised brains.
So there are more gays than
lesbians in the world.
---------------------------
Thursday June 9 2011
New technique for managing stress
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended in the latest
psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater..
8. See! You're smiling already.
---------------------------
Wednesday June 8 2011
T-SHIRTS FOR PEOPLE WHO TAKE
NO CRAP:
1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4. Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first
time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk AND piss you off at the same
time.
7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
9. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the
bodies.
10. Guys have feelings too. But like . . . who cares?
11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12. Next mood swing . . . 6 minutes.
13. I hate everybody and you're next.
14. Please don't make me kill you.
15. And your point is . . . ?
16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
17. All stressed out and no one to choke.
18. I'd ask if I cared.
---------------------------
Tuesday June 7 2011
Nothing Personal
"I hope you didn't take
it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church
service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a
child."
---------------------------
Monday June 6 2011
A husband is advised
by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let
your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the
boss." The husband takes the doctor's advice. He
rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and
growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I
want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go
upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with
the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong.
And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a
shave, and tie my necktie?"
His wife says calmly, " The undertaker."
---------------------------
Friday June 3 2011
EVER WONDER ~~~~
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on
"Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they
make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
---------------------------
Thursday June 2 2011
For
those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
4. Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
---------------------------
Wednesday June 1 2011
A man at the bar is staring at his drink. After half an hour, a troublemaker takes the drink and downs it. As the man starts crying, the troublemaker says: ‘Look, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink.’ ‘It’s not that,’ the man says. ‘This has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept, was late for work and my boss fired me. Then I went to leave, only to find my car had been stolen. When I reported it, the police said they couldn’t do anything. And as I stepped out of the cab when I got home, I realized I’d left my wallet and credit card in the car. Then I found my wife in bed with the milkman, so I came to this pub. And while I was thinking about ending my life, you went and drank my poison.’
