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Friday July 29 2011
Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food.
The conversation
turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health.
One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.
"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and
all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age
of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life no
effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact,
summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five
in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner,
mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then.."
"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner,
"But what were you in prison for?"
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Thursday July 28 2011
One day, there was a catastrophic
event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went
to Heaven. God came in and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One
line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men
who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St.
Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there
were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the
line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and
said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image
and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who
stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you
manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
---------------------------
Wednesday July 27 2011
POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE
EVER
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg,
looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
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Tuesday July 26 2011
There was a guy in a
bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really, drunk.
When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he
saw a nun
walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in
the face.
Well the nun was really surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he
punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and
kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then
he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and whispered.......
"Not so tough tonight are you Batman?"
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Monday July 25 2011
MONEY
It can buy a house
......... But not a Home
It can buy a bed
......... But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
.......... But not Time
It can buy you a Book
......... But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
......... But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
.......... But not Health
It can buy you Blood
.......... But not Life
It can buy you Sex
.......... But not Love
So you see my friend, money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am
your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and
suffering.............
So please send me all your money............ and I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE
(Thought this was gonna' be on of those "inspirational" ones didn't
you ??)
---------------------------
Friday July 22 2011
Italian Lover
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite
bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after
some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her
and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were
screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks,
"You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,
cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido
reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the
bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping Barelyable to turn his
head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You
finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I
Norwegian."
---------------------------
Thursday July 21 2011
2 Old Farts
Two Old Farts, Rodger and Chuck, met in the park every day to feed the
pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Rodger didn't
show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't
know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger.
But one day, Chuck approached the park and -- lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to
you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "you know Judy, that cute little
waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?" "Yeah," said
Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she
filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I
got into court, I pleaded guilty.
And ...the Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
---------------------------
Wednesday July 20 2011
A couple of nuns who were nursing
sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way
back, they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were
standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
---------------------------
Tuesday July 19 2011
A man walks into his bedroom and
sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, What are you doing?
She answers, I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a
night for doing what I do for you for free.
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her
husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, I'm coming too. I want to
see how you live on $800 a year.
---------------------------
Monday July 18 2011
Finally some jokes for the ladies....
Ahh, Marriage
MARRIAGE (PART I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he
laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want !
and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great
dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a
hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."
( SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings
her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part III)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of
himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of
her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He! shouts at the top
of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before
the masterpiece
---------------------------
Friday July 15 2011
"A report out of Aukland, NZ described the theft of toilets from the Aukland Police Station. When asked if there were any leads, the chief said. "No, we have absolutely nothing to go on."
---------------------------
Thursday July 14 2011
A Japanese guy is at the Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan.
While
he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining
dollars.
He counts his money at the counter.
"Wait a minute," he says to the clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for my yen.
What's
going on here?"
"Fluctuations." says the clerk.
The Japanese man stiffens and says, "Well! Fluc you too!"
---------------------------
Wednesday July 13 2011
A
bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, everyone inside
dies and they are raised to heaven to meet their maker. Due to the grief they
have experienced, God decides to grant them each one wish before they enter
Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish
is. "I want to be gorgeous," and God snaps His fingers, and it is
done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous
too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for
a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts
laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor,
laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE', CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED !!!!!!!!!!!!
---------------------------
Tuesday July 12 2011
A man
telephoned the United airline office at Denver International Airport and
asked, "How long does it take to fly to
The clerk said,
"Just a minute." (my favorite)
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
---------------------------
Monday July 11 2011
A
man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The first
woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said
"No", so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said
"Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No", so she
gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said
"Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow said "No".
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."
---------------------------
Friday July 8 2011
ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY .....
The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and
the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm
gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said,
"Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig
let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow
your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house
and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses
down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said,
"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and
the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a
call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come
over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him, then
one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf,
then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those
guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
---------------------------
Thursday July 7 2011
Red
Skelton shared his humor with us for decades. He did so
without four-letter words and raunchy antics. Below are his
tips for a happy marriage.
1. Two times a week, we go to nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on
Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds, hers is in Ontario and mine is in
Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I
suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric
bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many
gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her
an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she
told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for
the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically,
100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was
"Always".
13. I haven't spoken
to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?......." I said,
"Dust."
Bachelors should
be heavily taxed.
It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
--Oscar Wilde
-------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money; you
can borrow it cheaper.
--Scottish Proverb
-------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about
terrorism. I was married for two years.
--Sam Kinison
----------------------------------------------------
Every man should get
married some time;
after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!
------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors know more about
women than married men;
if they didn't, they'd be married too.
--H. L. Mencken
------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time
than women;
for one thing, they marry later;
for another thing, they die earlier.
--H. L. Mencken
------------------------------------------------------
"A man without a
woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
--U2
-----------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three ring
circus:
--engagement ring
---wedding ring
---suffering
-----------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple
smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
-------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage
is an eye-opener.
-------------------------------------------------------
When a man opens the
door of his car for his wife, you
can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
--------------------------------------------
I asked my wife,
"Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty
saloon for two hours
That was only for the estimate.
------------------------------------------------------
She got a mudpack and
looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
-------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage
truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump
in!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
------------------------------------------------------
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to
die?
Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
--------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"
---------------------------
Tuesday July 5 2011
An old Indian chief sat in his hut
on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two government
officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles,"
asked one official, "You have observed white man for 90 years. You've seen
his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the
damage he's done."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued,
"Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go
wrong?"
The chief stared at the
government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white
man come to this land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty
buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man
spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
---------------------------
Monday July 4 2011
THIS
PUTS OUR WORLD INTO A PERSPECTIVE MORE EASILY UNDERSTOOD.
If we could shrink the earth's
population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human
ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following: If you have money in the bank, in
your wallet, and spare change
in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
When one considers our world
from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding
and education becomes glaringly apparent.
The following is also
something to ponder:
If you woke up this morning
with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will
not survive this week.
If you have never experienced
the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or
the pangs of starvation you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church
meeting without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than
three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the
refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep... you
are richer than 75% of this
world.
If your parents are still
alive and still married ... you are very
rare, even in the United States and Canada.
---------------------------
Friday July 1 2011
Signs You're Canadian
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter
above the ground
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with
snow
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages,
but requires 6 pages for hockey
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof
You find -40C a little chilly
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
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