‘Thank God,’ the man replied. ‘I thought I’d gone deaf.’  

--------------------------- 
Thursday Jan 27 2011

Two Ornery Boys
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.  The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in  the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".  The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no
response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So, the clergyman  repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.  So, the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.  When his older brother found him  in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"  The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We
are in BIG trouble this time, dude.  God is missing -  and they think WE did it!"

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Jan 26 2011

"Ah, those...," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Nova Scotia. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

--------------------------- 
Friday Jan 21 2011

A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt:
short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
======================================================
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
======================================================
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
======================================================
Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart!
 
======================================================
A toast to the newlyweds: May your only ups and downs be between the sheets.
======================================================
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
======================================================
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
======================================================
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. 
======================================================
If you want your spouse to listen and pay full attention to what you have to say, talk in your sleep. 
======================================================
It's a give-and-take marriage. He gives and she takes.
======================================================

--------------------------- 
Thursday Jan 20 2011

Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby.  Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.  When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.  Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby.  So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.  He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears.  I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."  "I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny. At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand.  He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"  The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."  He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands, feet, then said, "Why...just look at his pretty little eyes... Did his doctor say he can see good?"  The Mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"  Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause that little f*cker can't wear glasses.

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Jan 19 2011

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Jan 18 2011

The Nun at Hooters.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand..."Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, How about that drink?

--------------------------- 
Monday Jan 17 2011

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:  Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.  Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.  Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Following is the official guide to the points system:

 SIMPLE DUTIES

 You make the bed: +1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You leave the toilet seat up: -5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You go out to buy her extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5

In the snow: +8

But return with beer: -5

And no liners: -25
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something: +5

You pummel it with a six iron: +10

It's her cat: -40
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AT A PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party: 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2

Named Tiffany: -4

Tiffany is a dancer: -10

With breast implants: -18
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday: 0

You buy a card and flowers: 0

You take her out to dinner: 0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1

Okay, it is a sports bar: -2

And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team: -10
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal: 0

The pal is happily married: +1

The pal is single: -7

He drives a Ferrari: -10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED): -15
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:

You take her to a movie: +2

You take her to a movie she likes: +4

You take her to a movie you hate: +6

You take her to a movie you like: -2

It's called       Cop 3: -3

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans: -9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly: -15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it: +10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts: -30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.": -800
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding: -10

You reply, "Where?": -35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt": -100

You reply, "No, it's the fat that makes you look fat.": -200

Any other response: -20
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a concerned expression: 0

You listen, for over 30 minutes: +5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience: +50

Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "Well, what do you think I should do?": -50

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +100

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You get up in the middle of the night to check out a strange noise. 0

It's your air compressor, you forgot to turn it off. -15
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You plan to take her to Omaoha for a long week end vacation. +50

It's the same weekend the IPMS National Convention is being held. -100
(and don't even think of the point loss if you spend more in the vendors room than she does shopping)

German for Pilots
AIRCRAFT--Der Fliegenwagen
 
JET TRANSPORT--Der Muchen Overgrossen Biggenmother Das Ist Fliegen Higherenfaster Mit All Der Mach Und Flightenlevels.  (Built by Boeing)
 
PROPELLER--Der Airfloggen Pushenthruster
 
ENGINE--Der Noisenmaken Pistonpusher Das Turnens Der Airfloggenfan Pushenthruster
 
JET ENGINE--Der Schreemen Skullschplitten Firespitten Smokenmaken Airpushenbacken Thrustermaker Mit Compressorssqueezen Und Turbinespinnen Bladenrotors.  (Made by Pratt & Whitney)
 
CONTROL COLUMN--Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Schtick
 
RUDDER PEDDALS--Der Tailschwigen Yawmaken Werks
 
PILOT--Der Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Tailschwigen Werker
 
PASSENGER--Der Dumbkopf Das Est Strappened en Der Baaken Mit Der Other Dumbkopfs Das Est Expecten to Leave Undgo On Scheduledtimen Und Arriven Mit Der Luggagebags Somplaceneisen
 
STUDENT PILOT--Der Dumbkopf Das Learnen Fliegen Un Hopen to Jobenfdinden Mit Der Airlinens
 
FLIGHT INSTRUCTOR--Der Timenbuilder Mit Less Den 1000 Hrs Multienginefliegen.  Teachen Dumbkopfs To Fliegen Vile Waitenwatchen Fer Der Letter Mit Der Joboffering Frum United
 
AIRLINE TRANSPORT PILOT--Das Grosse Overpaiden Und Under Werken Whinencomplainer Biggen Schmuck Dat Fliegen Mit Das Big Airlinen
 
PARACHUTE--Der Stringencotten Das Est Usen To Floaten Der Tailschwingen Pushenpullen Bankenyanken Werker Down To Earhten Ven Der Fliegenwagen Est Kaputen
 
FAA--Der Friggenfliegen Dumbkopf Schmucks Das Maken Alder Rulens Und Regulations

--------------------------- 
Thursday Jan 13 2011

Proper tool definitions and use

A REAL handyman already knows most of this stuff!!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted car
part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.  

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop, on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you
couldn't use anyway. 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-I NCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.  Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into  compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts, last over tightened, 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most  expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
It is also the next tool that you will need. 

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
our every deficiency in foresight. 

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Jan 12 2011

True Friendship

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard, or bitch, who made you sad. 

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid. 

4. When you are scared - I will rag you about it every chance I get. 

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be.... until you quit whining. 

6. When you are confused - I will use little words. 

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at you. 

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 

"Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend". 

Send this joke to 10 of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4. 

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. 

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt. 

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Jan 11 2011

One winter morning in Michigan a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."  Norman's blonde wife went out and moved her car. 

A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Again, Norman's blonde wife went out and moved her car. The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..."
Then the electric power went off.

Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said. "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.

--------------------------- 
Monday Jan 10 2011

A woman and her husband are getting ready for bed. She is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, Bob," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist (wishful thinking!), my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to Bob and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."  He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." 
 

They hope to bring him out of ICU in a few day......

--------------------------- 
Sunday Jan 9 2011

The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

--------------------------- 
Saturday Jan 8 2011

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
the nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. 

"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

--------------------------- 
Friday Jan 7 2011

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

--------------------------- 
Thursday Jan 6 2011

--  WINTER IN CANADA - -

 Dear Diary,

 AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so  beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

 OCT. 14 Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves  have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful.  Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

 NOV. 11 Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here.

 DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed  with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won).  When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada.

 DEC. 12 More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

 DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Frigging snow plough.

 DEC. 22 More of that white stuff fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Nasty fellow. 


 DEC. 25 Merry frigging Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get  my hands on the son-of-a-gun who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the nasty fellow. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the frigging ice. 

 DEC. 27 More white stuff last night. Been inside for 3 days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white stuff and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the stuff again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is? 

 DEC. 28 That frigging weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of the white stuff this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got suck up in the road and that nasty fellow came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken 6 shovels shoveling out all the white stuff he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last
one over his frigging head.

 JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those frigging beasts should be killed. The beasts are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

 MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that frigging salt they put all over the roads.

 MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right  mind would ever want to live in such a snowbound forsaken place as Canada.

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Jan 5 2011

Drinks Show Your Personality

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! 

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer 
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.



THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- 
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid. 


Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. 


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. 


Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid. 


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Jan 4 2011

Updated Employee Handbook-Effective Immediately

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.  To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. 

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'
supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now
a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of Three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your  picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Management

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Monday Jan 3 2011

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

 PAT BUCHANAN
 To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

 DR. SEUSS
 Did the chicken cross the road?
 Did he cross it with a toad?
 Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

 ERNEST HEMINGWAY
 To die. In the rain.

 MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
 I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

 GRANDPA JERRY
 In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us  that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

 ARISTOTLE
 It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

 KARL MARX
 It was a historical inevitability.

 SADDAM HUSSEIN
 This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 RONALD REAGAN
 What chicken?

 CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
 To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

 FOX MULDER
 You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

 FREUD
 The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

 BILL GATES
 I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and  Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

 EINSTEIN
 Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

 BILL CLINTON
 I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?  Could you define chicken please?

 GEORGE W.BUSH
 I don't think I should have to answer that question.

 LOUIS FARRAKHAN
 The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

 THE BIBLE
 And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much  rejoicing.

 COLONEL SANDERS
 I missed one?

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Saturday Jan 1 2011

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life.  He finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. 

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" 

"Yes, they help me sleep at night." 

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep." 

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks......and believe me, it helps me sleep at night." 

You Gotta' Watch Them Grandmas..........Gotta' Love Them