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---------------------------
Friday Apr 29 2011
A
shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet,
where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix
on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans
the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on
his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He
then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this
data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his
hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep."
says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals
and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his
car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay,
why not?"
"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you
guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You
showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for
an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't
know crap about my business..."
" ... Now give me back my dog."
---------------------------
Thursday Apr 28 2011
These
are actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world
famous international institute of answering machine answers.
1. My
wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2. A is
for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here, so leave a message.
3
Speak.
4. Hi,
Now you say something.
5. Hi,
I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can
talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
6.
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
7.
(From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I
call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!
8. Hi!
John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets.
9.
Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets
are clean. They give charity through their office and do not need their
pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you.
10.
This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for
calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about
returning your call.
11. Hi.
I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
12. Hi,
this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
13. If
you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our weapons right
now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and
it is safe to leave us a message.
14.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes
doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly.
So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get
back to you.
---------------------------
Wednesday Apr 27 2011
The world according to Dad.
One day a
kid went to school and the teacher said, "For homework, I want you
to find out the difference between 'hypothetically' and
'realistically'." So the kid went home and asked his father,
"Dad, what's the difference between 'hypothetically' and
'realistically'?" His father replied, "Ask you mother if
she'd sleep with somebody for a million dollars." The son sort of
looked at his father funny, but proceeded. "Mom, would you sleep
with someone for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Well
son, that is quite a large sum of money...I think I would." So the
son went back to his father and said, "Dad, Mom said she would do
it, but I just don't understand, what does that have to do with
'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?" The father replied,
"Don't worry about it, just ask your sister if she'd do it."
Reluctantly the boy went and asked his sister. She replied, "A
million dollars? OF COURSE I WOULD DO IT!!"
So, the boy returned once again to his father saying, "Dad, she
said she'd do it too, but I still don't understand, what does that have
to do with 'hypothetically' and 'realistically'?"
The father replied, "Well son, HYPOTHETICALLY we're sitting on two million dollars, REALISTICALLY, we're living with a couple of whores!"
---------------------------
Tuesday Apr 26 2011
NEW
RESEARCH FINDINGS ON WOMEN
1.
Tests have shown that women rate 3% higher in
general intelligence than men although their
brain size is smaller. Most women act
dumb to
make their mates look good.
2. Women are
walking radar detectors, that is
why men have difficulty lying to women.
Their
brains have the ability to integrate and
decipher
verbal, visual and other signals of body
language.
3. Women want lots of sex with the man she
loves. Men just want lots of sex.
4. When men flirt, they will lower their pitch
of voice. Women will raise theirs.
5. Women talk and think aloud while men do them
silently. As a result, men think women
talk too
much and are nags.
6. Women talk about their problems as a way of
relieving stress. She wants to be heard,
not
fixed by being offered advice and
solutions.
7. Speech and words are not a specific brain
skill for men. They find it hard to
express
themselves. That's why they often choose
greeting
cards with plenty of words inside.
That way,
there's less space for them to write.
8. Women leave men, not because they are unhappy
with what he can provide, but because
they are
emotionally unfulfilled.
9. Women uses an average of 20,000 communication
words, sounds, and gestures a day. Men
only
use about 7,000.
10. So if a woman is talking to you a lot, she
likes you. But if she's not
talking, you're
in trouble.
11. Men are more thick-skinned than women.
Literally. Which explains why
women have more
wrinkles than men.
12. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship,
she can't concentrate on her work.
If a man
is relationship.
13. Men can only do one thing at a time. When
they stop their car to read a
street directory,
they have to turn down the radio.
Women's brains
are configured for multi-tasking
performance.
They can talk on the phone, watch
the TV and
cook at the same time.
14. Most men get a brain hemorrhage after 20
minutes of clothes shopping.
15. When it comes to sex, women need a reason;
men need a place.
16. 15% to 20% of men have feminised brains.
About 10% of women have
masculinised brains.
So there are more gays than
lesbians in the world.
---------------------------
Monday Apr 25 2011
GUIDE TO TRANSLATING
"PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTS
Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.
Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.
Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.
Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.
Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.
Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.
Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.
Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.
Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.
---------------------------
Friday Apr 22 2011
Kids say the darnedest things....
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She
was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't
wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever
seen a little boy before?"
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I
answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I
ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes,
that's right," I told her. "Well, then, "she said as
she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my
shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog
you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, ?What?d he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found
her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know
that it always gives you a headache the next morning.?
9) DEATH
While w walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready
for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say
the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version
of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the
Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm
just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't
read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look
what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there,
dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
"I think it's Adam's underwear."
---------------------------
Thursday Apr 21 2011
A report out of Aukland, NZ described the theft of toilets from the Aukland Police Station. When asked if there were any leads, the chief said. "No, we have absolutely nothing to go on."
---------------------------
Wednesday Apr 20 2011
Italian Lover
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at
his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular
young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment
and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he
rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a
smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned,
and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido
reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about
wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and,
again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a
short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly
says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his
back, gasping Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian."
---------------------------
Tuesday Apr 19 2011
Some Party
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars
were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,
coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night," the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for
Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around
midnight that we started playing "Who am I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play
that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a
time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates"
showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who
it is"
The mailman laughs and
says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that"
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your
name came up four or five times."
---------------------------
Monday Apr 18 2011
Good Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
begins to
talk.
Everyone else in he room stops to listen...........
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2011 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$105,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted
last
year is back on the market. They're asking $1,750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$1,700,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
---------------------------
Friday Apr 15 2011
Hangover Rating System
One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas
and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &
fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion.
There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3
iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late
and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now....
---------------------------
Thursday Apr 14 2011
Q: What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
A: Udder destruction.
Groan!
---------------------------
Wednesday Apr 13 2011
THE MAN CODE Rated R
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSH*T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly unmanly.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.
---------------------------
Tuesday Apr 12 2011
A Fairy told a married
couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years,
I will give you each a wish."
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband,"
said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared
in her hands.
Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said:
"Well, this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this
only occurs once in a lifetime. So ... I'm sorry my love, but my
wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me".
The wife was deeply disappointed, but a wish was a wish. The Fairy
made a circle with her magic stick and ... abracadabra! Suddenly the
husband was 90 years old.
Men might be bastards, but Fairies are female!
---------------------------
Monday Apr 11 2011
A lion wakes up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He goes out and corners a small monkey and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!" Later, the lion confronts a wildebeast and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wildebeast stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!" On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk and slams him against a tree half a dozen times. The elephant then stomps on the lion, then ambles away. The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"
---------------------------
Friday Apr 8 2011
A New Study
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity surf the Internet with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
---------------------------
Thursday Apr 7 2011
A blonde heard that milk
baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to
leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he
felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the
door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5
gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to
fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young
and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde
said...."No, just up to my shoulders. I can splash it on my
face".
---------------------------
Wednesday Apr 6 2011
A man meets a gorgeous
woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving
together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy
bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the
top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this
woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to
her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make
love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there
together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom
shelf."
---------------------------
Tuesday Apr 5 2011
WEEK AT THE
GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into
a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my High School football team
25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a fantastic week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then,
as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
*&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells, or anything else that weighs more
than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (who NEVER really understood me), will choose a gift for me
that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy!
Monday Apr 4 201
Hummm....yet more lies about the fairer sex.....when will this end?!?!?!
1.Pass
My
Shotgun
2.Psychotic
Mood
Shift
3.Perpetual
Munching
Spree
4.Puffy
Mid-Section
5.People
Make
me
Sick
6.ProvideMe
withSweets
7.Pardon
My
Sobbing
8.Pimples
May
Surface
9.Pass
My
Sweatpants
10.Pissy
Mood
Syndrome
11.Plainly;
Men
Suck
12.Pack
My
Stuff
...and
my favorite one...
13.Potential
Murder
Suspect
---------------------------
Friday Apr 1 2011
Time
to Kill
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been
feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the
doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid
I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time,"
the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"Ten," says the doctor.
"Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"Nine. . ."
