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---------------------------
Friday Oct 29 2010
For three years, the young
attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The
previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up
the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an
infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we
could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it
would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
---------------------------
Thursday Oct 28 2010
A Collection of Jokes to Offend Everyone
What's the
best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the
difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the
difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
Why is it
so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
What's the
difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a
Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe
this crap."
---------------------------
Wednesday Oct 27 2010
Cold Water ...
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, 'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied 'Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.' That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, 'I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!'
Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me out!' he complained.
Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted 'Coldwater, move!'
---------------------------
Tuesday Oct 26 2010
A big-city lawyer was
representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The
rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the
railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of
the bull.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and
tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best
selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he
was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took
the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his
success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this,
old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won
the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose
when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one
witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young
feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because
that durned bull came home this morning."
---------------------------
Monday Oct 25 2010
BANK ON
THE BANK
Subject: Late Fees
Motto: Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.........
This is
just so priceless....and so easy to see happening, customer service
being what it is....
My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and
March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then
added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had
been $0.00... now is somewhere around $60.00, I placed the following
phone call to CitiBank
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me:
"Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has
been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank:
"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her
lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." (Fax number is given)
(After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank:
"I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will
care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet
--------------------------- The Irishman and the
Almost Affair A married Irishman went
into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an
affair with another woman." The Irishman said,
"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped." He paused by the poor
box for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was
watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied,
"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you that's the same as putting it in."
--------------------------- Top Ten Reason's That A
Motorcycle Is Better Than A Woman --------------------------- A fifteen
year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and
scream,
--------------------------- For
those of you who have sons & those of you who are happy that you don't.
--------------------------- To be posted VERY LOW on the
refrigerator door - nose height:
--------------------------- Four
Cats Everyone
agreed that was very good. The
Government Worker called to his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do
your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies,
drank the milk, crapped on the paper, made love to the other
three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed
a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Workman's Compensation and went home for the rest of the
day on sick leave.
Friday Oct 22 2010
The priest said, "What do you mean, ALMOST?"
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You are not to see that woman again. For your penance, say
5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
Thursday Oct 21 2010
10. A motorcycle's curves never sag.
9. You can ride your motorcycle on any day of the month.
8. Your motorcycle will never whine unless something is REALLY wrong.
7. You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.
6. You can share your motorcycle with your friends.
5. If your motorcycle is too loose you can tighten it up without plastic surgery.
4. If you say things to your motorcycle you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.
3. Your motorcycle won't insult you if you are a bad rider.
2. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your motorcycle.
And the number one reason that a motorcycle is better than a woman....
If you get a new motorcycle, you don't have to keep sending money to the old one.
Wednesday Oct 20 2010
"Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today. "
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a
Porsche costs.."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen
dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like
that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy."don't know her
name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me
if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child
abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there
and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen
dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my
husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he
has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come
back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and
send him the money. So I did."
Tuesday Oct 19 2010
And
you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like
1.)
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches
deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is
strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four
walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.)
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Monday Oct 18 2010
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --
canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, "THEN" go smell the other dog or cat's
rear
end. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Friday Oct 15 2010
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the
third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called to his cat,"T-square, do your
stuff."
T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat
and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went
out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided
them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got
up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a
10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
spilling a drop.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
"What can your cat do?".
---------------------------
Thursday Oct 14 2010
Here
are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought
about (AND might not ever should!);
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's
only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny
going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when
babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for
Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell
you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your
license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out
the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first
place?
---------------------------
Wednesday Oct 13 2010
OOD Board...
An Ensign was sitting his first qualification board for Officer of the Deck at sea. After several hours of watching the young officer answer difficult questions from the members of the board, the ship's Captain decided to finish off the board by placing the Ensign in a completely hypothetical emergency situation. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard side?" he asked.
"Throw out an anchor, Sir," the Ensign replied.
"And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"I'd throw out another anchor, Captain."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the Captain.
"Throw out another anchor, Sir," the Ensign said.
"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
The Ensign smiled. "From the same place you're getting all those storms, Sir."
---------------------------
Tuesday Oct 12 2010
For thousands of years,
men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.
Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just
how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way
the game is played.
Following is the official guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5
And no liners: -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her cat: -40
AT A PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -10
With breast implants: -18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday: 0
You buy a card and flowers: 0
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the
colors of your favorite team: -10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal: 0
The pal is happily married: +1
The pal is single: -7
He drives a Ferrari: -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED): -15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It's called Cop 3: -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly: -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it:
+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.": -800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt": -100
Any other response: -20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a
concerned expression: 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience: +50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying,
"Well, what do you think I should do?": -50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20
These are a couple that I've added that only scale modelers can
relate to.
You get up in the middle of the night to check out a strange noise.
0
It's your air compressor, you forgot to turn it off. -15
You take her to Virginia Beach for a long week end vacation. +50
It's the same weekend the IPMS National Convention is being held.
-100
(and don't even think of the point loss if you spend more in the
vendors room than she does shopping)
---------------------------
Monday Oct 11 2010
I'll probably burn in hell for this one....but at least I can keep you company down there....
The Alabama preacher
said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has
spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible
lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party
who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued,
"Do you have the nerve to
face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be
forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and
confess your transgression " Again all was quiet. Then slowly,
a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose
from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she
spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I
never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a
couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared!
---------------------------
Friday Oct 8 2010
The next time you have a problem with customer service or any other business and decide to voice your complaint in a written piece of correspondence, I submit this example of a "Flame letter" from a couple in the UK for your consideration...........
The British have computer problems, too ...
What follows is a superb example of British humor in a letter that was
truly written and sent. The piece suggests two things:
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service
from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain.)
2) The Brits appear to get a better education than most, enabling them to write some fine letters of complaint.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Cretins...
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to
provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and
drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further
57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles
for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital
tools-such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I
had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and
most of the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this
theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere,
ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose
NTL, and
because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction
and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are.
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the
highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant
beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from
you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become dessicated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist
at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment
if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
Ellen & Murray Savannah
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Thursday Oct 7 2010
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight.... "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12 o'clock. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'Oh Shit!', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times, and then farted."
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Wednesday Oct 6 2010
There's these two guys who don't speak Spanish and they really loved
bungee jumping, so they go down to Sonora and they open a bungee
jumping business on a cliff over a town. Well, the first time one took
a practice jump, he went over fine, but when he sprang back up he was
all covered in scratches. His friend freaked out, but the guy went
back down before he could help him. When he flew back, the scratches
has progressed to bruises, but his friend on top again couldn't catch
him. Finally, on the third spring back, his friend nabbed him. He was
covered in open, bleeding wounds.
"What happened?" his friend asks him. "Was the cord too
long?'
"No, the cord was fine," the leaper said. "It was
terrible. There were these gangs down there and they were scream- ing
and yelling and every time I'd get to the end of the cord, they'd hit
me with sticks."
"What were they screaming?" his friend asked.
"I don't know, I could only make out one word. What's a piñata,
anyway?"
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Tuesday Oct 5 2010
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. It was always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp…
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Monday Oct 4 2010
I took
my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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Friday Oct 1 2010
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
