|
|
|
|
It was a foggy, busy
"rush-hour" morning at LaGuardia. A US Air flight was
taxiing to the active when they made a wrong turn and came
nose-to-nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a
woman) lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming and shouting on the
ground control frequency. She ended her tirade with, "You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you. You got that, US Air?"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am."
The frequency went terribly silent, and no one wanted to engage the
irate ground controller in her current state. Finally, after
what appeared to be an eternity, an unknown captain from another
airline, came up on the frequency.
"Wasn't I married to you, once?" he asked.
---------------------------
Monday Nov 29 2010
A man walks into his
bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, What are you doing?
She answers, I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get
paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, I'm coming too. I
want to see how you live on $800 a year.
---------------------------
Friday Nov 26 2010
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
---------------------------
Thursday Nov 25 2010
MEMO
To: All cat lovers
From: A concerned friend
Subj: How to wash the cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet and remove the thing that makes the
water blue.
2. Add an appropriate amount of shampoo, based upon the size of the
cat, to the toilet water. Leave both lids up.
3. Retrieve the cat and soothe him/her as you carry him/her towards
the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and immediately
close both lids.
NOTE: You may need to stand on the lid.
CAUTION: Do not allow any part of your body to come too close to the
edge of the toilet, as claws will be reaching for anything they can
find.
5. Wait while the cat self-agitates, making ample suds.
NOTE: Disregard the noises coming from your toilet. The cat does
actually enjoy this.
6. Flush the toilet three or four times to provide a
"power-wash" and "rinse," which is quite
effective.
7. Have someone open a door to the outside and ensure that there are
no people or other living things between the toilet and the outside
world.
8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids. Consider using a towel or belt from a bathrobe to lift the
lids. (See "CAUTION" on item number 4.)
9. The cat will fly from the toilet, and run outside where he will
thoroughly dry himself with no further assistance.
Good luck. This really does work!
Sincerely,
The
Dog
---------------------------
Wednesday Nov 24 2010
Shamelessly plagiarised
from Messrs Cleese, Palin, Idle, Chapman, Jones and Gilliam - I'm sure
they'd forgive me... :o) written by Kevin Smythers
The Model Shop Sketch (with thanks to Monty Python's and their
'Cheese Shop Sketch')
RIVETCOUNTER: Good Morning.
HASEGAWA: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Model
Emporium.
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, thank you my good man.
HASEGAWA: What can I do for you, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public
library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by
Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all plasticky.
HASEGAWA: Plasticky, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: Constructive.
HASEGAWA: Eh?
RIVETCOUNTER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I want to build
something, like.
HASEGAWA: Ah, modelling.
RIVETCOUNTER: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a
little injected plastic will do the trick'. So I curtailed my
Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of
purveyance to negotiate the vending of some plastic construction kits.
HASEGAWA: Come again?
RIVETCOUNTER: I want to buy some models.
HASEGAWA: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the
bouzouki player.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in
all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
HASEGAWA: Sorry?
RIVETCOUNTER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a
nice tune - you're forced to.
HASEGAWA: So he can go on playing, can he?
RIVETCOUNTER: Most certainly. Now then, some models
please, my good man.
HASEGAWA: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, eh, how about a little Monogram?
HASEGAWA: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Monogram, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh never mind, how are you on Testors?
HASEGAWA: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the
week, sir. We get a new delivery on Monday.
RIVETCOUNTER: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout
modelman, some Aires resin cockpits then, if you please.
HASEGAWA: Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I
was expecting it this morning.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Eduard?
HASEGAWA: Sorry, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Eastern Express?
HASEGAWA: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah. Airfix?
HASEGAWA: Sorry.
RIVETCOUNTER: Hawk? Fonderie Miniatures?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Any Accurate Miniatures, per chance?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Aeroclub?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Contrail?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: ID Models?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Trumpeter?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Academy?
HASEGAWA: ..... No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Heller?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Frog or Novo?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Matchbox, AMT, AMTech, Otaki, Alan, Classic Airframes,
Imai, Zvezda, Italeri?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Polar Lights, perhaps?
HASEGAWA: Ah! We have a Polar Lights kit, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You do! Excellent.
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit warped.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh, I like it warped.
HASEGAWA: Well, it's very warped, actually, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: No matter. Fetch hither le plastique de la belle chance!
M-mmm!
HASEGAWA: I think it's a bit more warped than you'll like it, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: I don't care how f***ing warped it is. Hand it over with
all speed.
HASEGAWA: Oh .....
RIVETCOUNTER: What now?
HASEGAWA: The cat's stolen it.
RIVETCOUNTER: Has he?
HASEGAWA: She, sir.
(pause)
RIVETCOUNTER: Anigrand Craftswork?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Arba?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Amodel?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: MPM?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Fujimi?
HASEGAWA: No, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You do have some models, do you?
HASEGAWA: Of course, sir. It's a model shop, sir. We've got .....
RIVETCOUNTER: No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
HASEGAWA: Fair enough.
RIVETCOUNTER: Er, HASEGAWA:?
HASEGAWA: Yes?
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, well, I'll have one of those.
HASEGAWA: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr HASEGAWA:,
that's my name.
(pause)
RIVETCOUNTER: Sweet?
HASEGAWA: Ah, not as such.
RIVETCOUNTER: Er, Roden?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Pavla?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Special Hobby?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Dragon?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Chorszy?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Czech Master Resin?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Super Model?.
HASEGAWA: Not today, sir, no.
(pause)
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, how about Tamiya?
HASEGAWA: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Not much ca- It's the single most popular model
manufacturer in the world!
HASEGAWA: Not round here, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: And what is the most popular model manufacturer round
here?
HASEGAWA: Revell, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it.
HASEGAWA: Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor,
squire.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it.
HASEGAWA: It's our number-one best seller, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: I see. Ah, Revell, eh?
HASEGAWA: Right, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting
the answer no?
HASEGAWA: I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's not much of a model shop, is it?
HASEGAWA: Finest in the district, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
HASEGAWA: Well, it's so clean, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's certainly uncontaminated by models.
HASEGAWA: You haven't asked me about Lindberg, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it worth it?
HASEGAWA: Could be.
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
HASEGAWA: (To dancers) Told you so.
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you got any Lindberg?
HASEGAWA: No.
RIVETCOUNTER: That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an
act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place.
Tell me:
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you in fact got any models here at all?
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Really?
(pause)
HASEGAWA: No. Not really, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You haven't.
HASEGAWA: No, sir, not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time,
sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
HASEGAWA: Right-O, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: (Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
---------------------------
Tuesday Nov 23 2010
A blonde's car gets a flat
tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder
of the Road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear
of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude
bodies to approaching drivers... Not surprisingly, the traffic became
snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car
arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, 'What is Going on here?'
'My car broke down, Officer' says the woman, calmly.
'Well, what are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the
road?!' asks the Officer.
'Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!' she replied.
---------------------------
Monday Nov 22 2010
Top Ten Things Men
Understand About Women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Just smile and send it on.
---------------------------
Friday Nov 19 2010
*Parenthood*
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
---------------------------
Thursday Nov 18 2010
---------------------------
Friday Nov 12 2010
---------------------------
Thursday Nov 11 2010
IN
FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
---------------------------
Wednesday Nov 10 2010
Red
Skelton shared his humor with us for decades. He did so without
four-letter words and raunchy antics. Below are his tips for a
happy marriage.
1. Two times a week, we go to nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on
Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds, hers is in Ontario and mine is in
Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I
suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and
no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric
chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me,
"In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, "Am I too late for
the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100%
of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was
"Always".
13. I haven't spoken to
my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?......." I said,
"Dust."
---------------------------
Tuesday Nov 9 2010
Living will
Me and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, " Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that
ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Nasty woman!!!
---------------------------
Monday Nov 8 2010
Hurricane Categories
Category 1: "Wussy." Street signs blow over, bushes and
shrubs are damaged, housecats meow slightly more loudly. Plan for
these storms by duct taping your shrubs, kicking the cat, and shaking
your fist triumphantly at Mother Nature for throwing such a weak-ass
storm at you.
Category 2: "Mildly Alarming." Houses moan, some of the
sicker looking trees may fall over, shingles blow off, small children
complain. Planning: duct tape all the sick trees you may have on your
property, as well as duct taping Xs on your windows. This lets the
wind know not to blow the glass in. Purchase bottled water, before
everyone else snaps it up.
Category 3: "Deeply Frightening." Houses collapse, mobile
homes cease to exist in any normal functioning sense of the word, dogs
fart explosively, healthy trees surrender. Planning: duct tape
everything on your property, including the dog. Buy plywood and nail
it over the windows-after first duct taping Xs over the glass.
Purchase bottled water and bleach. This is so if it looks like you're
going to die, you can add the bleach to the water and drink it.
Category 4: "Holy Shit." Buildings fall, cars fly through
the air, walls bleed, large sea mammals are carried several miles
inland, entire regions disappear completely. Planning: Cover your
entire house with duct tape Xs to try and fool the hurricane into
thinking the whole place is a gigantic window. Nail as much wood as
you can find to the outside of the duct tape. Lock yourself and your
family and your farting dog in the basement with the bottled water and
bleach, and maybe some canned goods, a portable generator, and a gun
to ward off looters in the apocalyptic aftermath that is sure to
follow.
Category 5: "The End Of The World." All trace of humanity is
picked up several yards into the air and converted into bite-sized
pieces, the Biblical leviathan surfaces from the depths, hell rises up
and swallows mankind whole. Planning: screw the duct tape. Get into
the basement and make peace with your God, Whomever He, She or
It may be.
---------------------------
Friday Nov 5 2010
Women's Lingo
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former slut
Fun = Annoying
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned = No BJs
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
---------------------------
Thursday Nov 4 2010
For
thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make
the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is
played.
Following is the official guide to the points system:
SIMPLE
DUTIES
You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You go out to buy her extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5
And no liners: -25
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her cat: -40
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AT A PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -10
With breast implants: -18
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday: 0
You buy a card and flowers: 0
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the
colors of your favorite team: -10
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A NIGHT OUT WITH
THE BOYS
Go with a pal: 0
The pal is happily married: +1
The pal is single: -7
He drives a Ferrari: -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED): -15
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A NIGHT OUT WITH
HER:
You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It's called Cop 3: -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly: -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it:
+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.": -800
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt": -100
Any other response: -20
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a
concerned expression: 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience: +50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying,
"Well, what do you think I should do?": -50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You get up in the middle of the night to check out a strange noise. 0
It's your air compressor, you forgot to turn it off. -15
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You plan to take her to Atlanta for a long week end vacation. +50
It's the same weekend the IPMS National Convention is being held. -100
(and don't even think of the point loss if you spend more in the
vendors room than she does shopping)
---------------------------
Wednesday Nov 3 2010
NEW
RESEARCH FINDINGS ON WOMEN
1.
Tests have shown that women rate 3% higher in
general intelligence than men although their
brain size is smaller. Most women act
dumb to
make their mates look good.
2. Women are
walking radar detectors, that is
why men have difficulty lying to women.
Their
brains have the ability to integrate
and decipher
verbal, visual and other signals of
body language.
3. Women want lots of sex with the man she
loves. Men just want lots of sex.
4. When men flirt, they will lower their pitch
of voice. Women will raise theirs.
5. Women talk and think aloud while men do them
silently. As a result, men think women
talk too
much and are nags.
6. Women talk about their problems as a way of
relieving stress. She wants to be
heard, not
fixed by being offered advice and
solutions.
7. Speech and words are not a specific brain
skill for men. They find it hard to
express
themselves. That's why they often
choose greeting
cards with plenty of words inside.
That way,
there's less space for them to write.
8. Women leave men, not because they are unhappy
with what he can provide, but because
they are
emotionally unfulfilled.
9. Women uses an average of 20,000 communication
words, sounds, and gestures a day. Men
only
use about 7,000.
10. So if a woman is talking to you a lot, she
likes you. But if she's not
talking, you're
in trouble.
11. Men are more thick-skinned than women.
Literally. Which explains
why women have more
wrinkles than men.
12. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship,
she can't concentrate on her
work. If a man
is relationship.
13. Men can only do one thing at a time. When
they stop their car to read a
street directory,
they have to turn down the radio.
Women's brains
are configured for multi-tasking
performance.
They can talk on the phone, watch
the TV and
cook at the same time.
14. Most men get a brain hemorrhage after 20
minutes of clothes shopping.
15. When it comes to sex, women need a reason;
men need a place.
16. 15% to 20% of men have feminised brains.
About 10% of women have
masculinised brains.
So there are more gays than
lesbians in the world.
---------------------------
Tuesday Nov 2 2010
PREDICTIONS
1.
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--
Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.
********************************
2.
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
***********************************
3.
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country, and
talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data
processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
************************************
4.
"But what . . . is it good for?"
--
Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968,
commenting on the microchip
***********************************
5.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their
home."
--
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment
Corp., 1977
************************************
6.
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value"
-
Western Union internal memo, 1876
**********************************
7.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s
*****************************************
8.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
-- A
(Smith
went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
*********************************
9.
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--
H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
*****************************
10.
"I'm just glad it will be Clark Gable who is falling on his face
and not Gary Cooper."
--
Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone
With The Wind"
****************************
11.
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research
reports say
--
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies
*********************************
12.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way
out."
--
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962
*******************************
13.
You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all
of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of
life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as
an unalterable condition of weight training."
--
Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the
"unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus fitness
equipment.
************************************
14.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high
plateau."
--
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics,
***********************************
15.
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--
Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Prof. of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre,
Paris, France, ca 1912.
*********************************
16.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
--
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at
**********************************
17.
The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion
of the wise and humane surgeon."
--
Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, Surgeon-Extraordinary to
Queen
*******************************
And
finally………….
18.
640K ought to be enough memory for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981
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Some reasons to be
grateful if you grew up speaking English
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
