|
|
|
|
Memorial Day began in the United States on May 30, 1868, after the Civil War had ended.
Flowers were put on the graves of both sides, in order to help heal the nation. It was later expanded to include all men and women who had died in America's wars.
It is now celebrated on the last Monday of May.
----------------------------------------------------
The following passage is from a sermon by John Hagee of the Cornerstone Church in San Antonia.
Something to think about……
I want you to close your eyes and picture in your mind the soldier at Valley Forge, as he holds his musket in his bloody hands. He stands barefoot in the snow, starved from the lack of food, wounded from months of battle and emotionally scarred from the eternity away from his family surrounded by nothing but death and carnage of war. He stands though with fire in his eyes and victory on his breath He looks at us now in anger and disgust and tells us this….
I gave you a birthright of freedom born in the Constitution and now your children graduate too illiterate to read it.
I fought in the snow barefoot to give you the freedom to vote and you stay at home because it rains!
I left my family destitute to give you the freedom of speech and you remain silent on critical issues, because it might be bad for business.
I orphaned my children to give you a government to serve you and it has stolen democracy from the people.
It's the solider, not the reporter who gives you the freedom of the press.
It's the solider, not the poet who gives you the freedom of speech.
It's the soldier, not the campus organizer who allows you to demonstrate.
It's the solider, who salutes the flag, serves the flag, whose coffin is draped with the flag that allows the protester to burn the flag.
---------------------------
Friday May 28 2010
The
old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been
lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way
he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and
sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup
with peaches and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came
to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on
the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door.
In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for
you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here
really nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So
she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are
those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really
good peaches." So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had
on no panties.
She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like
this?" The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh
yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my
tomato crop and the weevels ate all my cotton and now I think you're
gonna screw me out of my peaches."
---------------------------
Thursday May 27 2010
Talking Animals
A
ventriloquist was driving through the Midwest when his car broke down.
He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone.
Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the
ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him.
The farmer began to lead him back to the house.
Soon
they came to a cow. The ventriloquist asked, ”Is this your cow,” and
the farmer replied, ”Yep.” He then asked, ”Does it talk,” and
the farmer replied, ”I… I don’t think so.” The ventriloquist
asked the cow, ”How do you like it here,” and threw his voice again.
In a cow-like voice, he said, ”Oh, I like it just fine. Every morning
the farmer comes and milks me.” Upon hearing this, the farmer
squirmed. He looked down at the ground and continued walking.
Soon
they came to some sheep. The ventriloquist asked, ”Are these your
sheep,” and the farmer replied, ”Yep.” He then asked, ”Do they
talk,” and the farmer exclaimed, ”Yes, but they lie!”
---------------------------
Tuesday May 25 2010
STUPID
QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
MARIA : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a
teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I wan! t to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
mouth.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out
of the mouth.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else
?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've
failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out
of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've
treated. The others all died".
---------------------------
Friday May 22 2010
A MAN'S ANSWER TO THE COMMON
QUESTIONS A WOMAN ASKS
01. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone
poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is
typically 10 years shorter? (and it's not just from all the bitching and
nagging we have to endure) It's a testosterone thing. Hormone modifies
behaviour. We're just misunderstood.
02. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that
all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you?
Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting
caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal.
Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men
lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as
we can.
03. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust "junior" and make him
happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an
added bonus.
04. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
05. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open
it you get into trouble with your partner.
06. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it.
It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so
much of the world nowadays.
07. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that
men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel
when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme
emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no
idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure
out how I feel.
08. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please...how many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige
you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying
around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters...Need go roam... Starve
in cave... Must go find wildebeest...Now sitting on our asses for hours
on end on the other hand is a whole other story.
09. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by
evolution that enables us to sit for extended periods of time without
getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in
one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods
of time thereby passing on this ability to their sons. The fidgety types
were all gobbled up by sabre toothed tigers, etc. The end result is that
almost all modern men are born with thisinnate ability. Comes in handy
for football watching, too.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To
say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW
ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho...Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure
fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works
quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will
not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for
other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we
know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to
let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want
to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and
hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Ahhh...buying?
---------------------------
Thursday May 21 2010
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!
Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "For goodness' sake Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"
---------------------------
Thursday May 20 2010
Pastor
Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old
boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you
don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have
to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."
---------------------------
Wednesday May 19 2010
Man goes into the doctor,
Doc I have a terrible pain in my left ear!
Doc says, Ok lets have a look.
Doc pulls out the little gizmo with the eyepiece at one end and the
light at the other and has a look in the guys ear.
You won't believe this sir he says, but there is a fifty pound note in
your ear, hold on there's more!
The doc pulls out loads of money and says, I have just taken one
thousand nine hundred and ninety quid out of your ear!
Man says "I told you I was'nt feeling two grand!!!"
---------------------------
Tuesday May 18 2010
What, Exactly, Are Cats?
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats
---------------------------
Monday May 17 2010
A TRUE SOUTHERN LADY................
A very gentle Southern
lady was driving across the
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and
jump, you dumb Yankee."
---------------------------
Friday May 14 2010
In the criminal justice
system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty,
here is a jury to be proud of!!!
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence
indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing
statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be
convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his
watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous
statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it
to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether
anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not
guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later,
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some
doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client
didn't."
---------------------------
Thursday May 13 2010
A new business was opening
and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It
said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told
the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist
said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than
getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral
taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
'Congratulations on your new location.'"
---------------------------
Tuesday May 11 2010
FREE
BEER
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The
view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where
the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."
"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red
Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first
2."
"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home
in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place
they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then
when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get
laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the
Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually
happen to you?"
"No, not me personally," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."
---------------------------
Monday May 10 2010
POTATO
STORY
You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato
had eyes
for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet
potato, whom they called 'Yam.'
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of TaterTots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her shoestring cousins.
When
she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for
the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France
called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for
the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay
on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class
Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise
their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato
sent Yam to Idaho P.U.> (that's Potato University) so that when she
graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for
her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom
Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's
just a...
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure you are ready for this?
Are you REALLY sure you are ready for this?
A Common Tater.
---------------------------
Friday May 7 2010
Jumping on the bed
A fiftyish woman was at
home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care.
I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old
ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied
---------------------------
Thursday May 6 2010
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Mississippi.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The attorney responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Mississippi. We settle small disagreements like this with the Mississippi Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is this three-kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly
climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His
first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the
man's nose off his
face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick
to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck"
---------------------------
Wednesday May 5 2010
Misbehaving
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to
check it out. So he called out one of his angels and sent the angel to
earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes it is bad on earth; 95%
are misbehaving and 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion." So God called out another
angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the earth is
in decline: 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good
because he wanted to encourage them -- give them a little something to
help them keep going.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE E-MAIL SAID?
No?
I didn't get one either.
---------------------------
Tuesday May 4 2010
A new kind of Chain
Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired
and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost
anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally
tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send
her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your
name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is
bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this
letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were
worth keeping.
REMEMBER ---- this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, but the
next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. An unmarried
Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a
liquor store owner and a nymphomaniac. One man even got a woman who owns
her own boat and likes to clean fish!
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the
chain and got his own wife back again.
End letter
---------------------------
Monday May 3 2010
Margarine
was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the
turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a
payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with
this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no
food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to
use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some
clever new flavorings.
DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5
grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating
the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other
foods.
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only
because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors
of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been
around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine..
Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and
lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol) Increases the risk of
cancers up to five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY
INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and
anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added,
changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this
yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area.
Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that
should tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional
value; nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms
will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would
you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
