Aircraft Resource Center

                                 

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Mar 31 2010

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Kindergarten Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat  and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"  I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Mar 30 2010

Courtroom drama custody ruling.

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of  him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. 

The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. 

Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. 

In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the  Toronto Maple Leaf Hockey Team as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

--------------------------- 
Monday Mar 29 2010

HOW MANY OF THESE TIPS DID YOU KNOW ABOUT? 

A sealed envelope - put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed. (hmmmmmm...) 
===================== =======================
Use empty toilet paper rolls to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to. 
=================================================
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze. 
(Wish I had known this for the last 40 years!) 
=================================================
To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The wax will fall out. 
=================================================
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!). 
=================================================
Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel. 
=================================================
Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way! 
=================================================
Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Now, where to put the body? LOL 

 - If you don't have hydrogen peroxide - immediately soak your clothes in MILK! Leave it for 5-10 mins, wash in detergent, than rinse. (You must wash it, 'cause if you don't - every cat on the street will follow you :) and you'll smell bad.)

=================================================
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak. =================================================
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on. 
=================================================
Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linens. 
================================================
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 
3 hours prior to burning. 
================================================
To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm! 
=================================================
To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. 
================================================
Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. 

================================================ 

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. 
================================================
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar (no salt) to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. 
================================================
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. 
================================================
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and s auces. Left over wine? What's that?! 
================================================ 

To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief. 
================================================
Ants, ants, everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself. 
================================================
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine. 
================================================
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily. 
================================================
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer! 

Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. 
================================================
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets. 
================================================
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. 
=================================================
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). 
================================================
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water. 
===============================================

Do your friends a favor. Pass on this timely (and some not-so-timely) information to them! I just did. Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn't it? 

Some good suggestions

--------------------------- 
Friday Mar 26 2010

Jumping on the bed 

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. 
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" 
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care.   I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old." 
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?" 
"Your name never came up," she replied  

--------------------------- 
Thursday Mar 25 2010

WISDOM OF A WIFE............

There is still a lot of wisdom with age.

When I was married 30 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot, 25 year old blonde every night. 

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde, and she would make SURE that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed. 

Aren't older women great??!!! They really know how to solve your mid-life crises! 

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Mar 24 2010

In his book, "Sled Driver," SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were  monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace.

Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.

"90 knots" Center replied. Moments later,a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots" Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day...as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed  readout."

There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for  we were both thinking in unison. 

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause ... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

----------------------------------------

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000 ft). The incredulous controller, with some  disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."  He was cleared ....

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Mar 23 2010

Pacific Northwest According to Jeff Foxworthy

You might be from the Pacific Northwest if :

1)You know the state flower (Mildew)

2)You feel guilty throwing aluminium cans or paper in the trash

3)Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means

4)You know more than 10 ways to order coffee

5)You know more people who own boats than air conditioners

6)You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant

7)You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal

8)You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain

9)You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best and Veneto's

10)You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye
 
11)You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon and Willamette (Will lam it)

12)You consider swimming an indoor sport

13)You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food

14)In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark and only work 8 hours

15)You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho

16)You are not fazed by "Today's forecast : showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast : rain followed by showers"

17)You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks"

18)You have no concept of humidity without precipitation

19)You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind

20)You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the clouds

21)You notice, "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it

22)You put on shorts when it gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka

23)You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on

24)You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain

25)You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists

26)You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake

27)You buy new sunglasses every year, cause you can't find the old ones after such a long time

28)You measure distance in hours

29)You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day

30)You use a down comforter in the summer

31)You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them

32)You design your kid's halloween costume to fit under a raincoat

33)You know all the important seasons : Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Still Raining (Fall)

34)You actually understand these jokes and forward them on to your friends

--------------------------- 
Monday Mar 22 2010

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend”.....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..

'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas..'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,

She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?




The wife replies, “I did, they're in your tackle box”.


Never, Never, Never

try to outsmart a woman!!!

--------------------------- 
Sunday Mar 21 2010

"Susie, do you know your numbers?" The teacher asks.
"Yes," says Susie. "My Dad taught me."
"OK, what comes after three?"
"Four," Susie answers.
"Great. And can you tell me what number comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Excellent," Susie's teacher says. "Your Dad's obviously a very caring and attentive father. Now, what's after ten?"
"Jack."

(Think about it.....it will come to you)

--------------------------- 
Friday Mar 19 2010

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw."

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious why he wants it, so he asks the tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

"Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already."

--------------------------- 
Thursday Mar 18 2010

Finally, the guy's side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends give you.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that.......it's like camping.

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Mar 17 2010

Shamelessly plagiarised from Messrs Cleese, Palin, Idle, Chapman, Jones and Gilliam - I'm sure they'd forgive me... :o) written by Kevin Smythers

The Model Shop Sketch (with thanks to Monty Python's and their 'Cheese Shop Sketch')

RIVETCOUNTER:   Good Morning. 
HASEGAWA:   Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Model Emporium. 
RIVETCOUNTER:    Ah, thank you my good man. 
HASEGAWA:   What can I do for you, sir? 
RIVETCOUNTER:   Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all plasticky. 
HASEGAWA:   Plasticky, sir? 
RIVETCOUNTER:   Constructive. 
HASEGAWA:    Eh? 
RIVETCOUNTER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I want to build something, like. 
HASEGAWA:   Ah, modelling. 
RIVETCOUNTER:   In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little injected plastic will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some plastic construction kits. 
HASEGAWA:   Come again? 
RIVETCOUNTER:   I want to buy some models. 
HASEGAWA:   Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player. 
RIVETCOUNTER:   Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse. 
HASEGAWA:   Sorry? 
RIVETCOUNTER:   (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to. 
HASEGAWA:   So he can go on playing, can he? 
RIVETCOUNTER:   Most certainly. Now then, some models please, my good man. 
HASEGAWA:   Certainly, sir. What would you like? 
RIVETCOUNTER:    Well, eh, how about a little Monogram? 
HASEGAWA:   I'm afraid we're fresh out of Monogram, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER:   Oh never mind, how are you on Testors? 
HASEGAWA:   I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get a new delivery on Monday.    
RIVETCOUNTER:    Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout modelman, some Aires resin cockpits then, if you please. 
HASEGAWA:   Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning. 
RIVETCOUNTER:   It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Eduard? 
HASEGAWA:   Sorry, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER:   Eastern Express? 
HASEGAWA:   Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down. 
RIVETCOUNTER:   Ah. Airfix? 
HASEGAWA:   Sorry. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Hawk? Fonderie Miniatures? 
HASEGAWA:   No. 
RIVETCOUNTER:   Any Accurate Miniatures, per chance? 
HASEGAWA:   No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Aeroclub? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Contrail? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: ID Models? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Trumpeter? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Academy? 
HASEGAWA: ..... No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Heller? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Frog or Novo? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Matchbox, AMT, AMTech, Otaki, Alan, Classic Airframes, Imai, Zvezda, Italeri? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Polar Lights, perhaps? 
HASEGAWA: Ah! We have a Polar Lights kit, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: You do! Excellent. 
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit warped. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh, I like it warped. 
HASEGAWA: Well, it's very warped, actually, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: No matter. Fetch hither le plastique de la belle chance! M-mmm! 
HASEGAWA: I think it's a bit more warped than you'll like it, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: I don't care how f***ing warped it is. Hand it over with all speed. 
HASEGAWA: Oh ..... 
RIVETCOUNTER: What now? 
HASEGAWA: The cat's stolen it. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Has he? 
HASEGAWA: She, sir.

(pause) 
RIVETCOUNTER: Anigrand Craftswork? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Arba? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Amodel? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: MPM? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Fujimi? 
HASEGAWA: No, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: You do have some models, do you? 
HASEGAWA: Of course, sir. It's a model shop, sir. We've got ..... 
RIVETCOUNTER: No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. 
HASEGAWA: Fair enough. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Er, HASEGAWA:? 
HASEGAWA: Yes? 
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, well, I'll have one of those. 
HASEGAWA: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr HASEGAWA:, that's my name.

(pause) 
RIVETCOUNTER: Sweet? 
HASEGAWA: Ah, not as such. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Er, Roden? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Pavla? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Special Hobby? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Dragon? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Chorszy? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Czech Master Resin? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Super Model?. 
HASEGAWA: Not today, sir, no.

(pause) 
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, how about Tamiya? 
HASEGAWA: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Not much ca- It's the single most popular model manufacturer in the world! 
HASEGAWA: Not round here, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: And what is the most popular model manufacturer round here? 
HASEGAWA: Revell, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it. 
HASEGAWA: Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it. 
HASEGAWA: It's our number-one best seller, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: I see. Ah, Revell, eh? 
HASEGAWA: Right, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no? 
HASEGAWA: I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo. 
RIVETCOUNTER: It's not much of a model shop, is it? 
HASEGAWA: Finest in the district, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. 
HASEGAWA: Well, it's so clean, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: It's certainly uncontaminated by models. 
HASEGAWA: You haven't asked me about Lindberg, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it worth it? 
HASEGAWA: Could be. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP! 
HASEGAWA: (To dancers) Told you so. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you got any Lindberg? 
HASEGAWA: No. 
RIVETCOUNTER: That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me: 
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir? 
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you in fact got any models here at all? 
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Really?

(pause) 
HASEGAWA: No. Not really, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: You haven't. 
HASEGAWA: No, sir, not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. 
HASEGAWA: Right-O, sir. 
RIVETCOUNTER: (Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life. 

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Mar 16 2010

This may be the best Living Will I've Seen 

I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. 

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. 

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: 

Glass of wine 
Chocolate 
Margarita 
Martini 
Cold Beer Chocolate 
Chicken fried steak 
Cream gravy 
Sex 
Mexican food 
Chocolate 
French fries 
Chocolate 
Pizza 
Sex 
Ice cream 
Cup of tea 
Chocolate 
Chocolate 
Sex 
Chocolate 

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to 
pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

--------------------------- 
Monday Mar 15 2010

CALLER QUESTION 
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?" 
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism." 

--------------------------- 
Friday Mar 12 2010

How To Give Your Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot.  Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

--------------------------- 
Thursday Mar 11 2010

These are pretty funny… I know…I know…pretty silly…but hilarious!

1) Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2) A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3) Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4) A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 

5) A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6) Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7) "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"   "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8) Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9) An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10) Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11) I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12) A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13) I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14) What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15) Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Mar 10 2010

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo?  Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year.  Namely that, in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up He didn't call back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Mar 9 2010

IRS

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. 

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." 

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." 

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." 

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. 

The auditor's jaw drops. 

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye" 

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. 

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. 

He starts to get nervous. 

Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. 

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. 

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. 

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

--------------------------- 
Monday Mar 8 2010

This is an oldie but a goodie......

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary - last names deleted.
STORY:
---------
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels... I can't decide."

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch.

(Rebecca)
Wanker.

(Gary)
Slut.

(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.

(Gary)
Eat shit.

(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(Teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one!

 

--------------------------- 
Friday Mar 5 2010

THE MAN CODE      Rated R 

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat" 

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. 

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence. 

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSH*T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent) 

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever. 

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale. 

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable. 

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly unmanly. 

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party. 

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. 

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. 

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'. 

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. 

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat. 

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood. 

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free. 

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy. 

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?" 

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean. 

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer. 

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response. 

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. 

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

--------------------------- 
Thursday Mar 4 2010

Today is National Mental Health Day. 
You can do your bit by remembering to mention this to at least one unstable person. 
Well, my job's done!

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Mar 3 2010

Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Mar 2 2010

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room  of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

 Upon seeing him, however, I quickly dismissed any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been MY classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

 "Yes," he replied.

 "When did you graduate?" I asked.

 He answered, "In 1954."

 "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

 He looked at me closely and asked, "What did you teach?"

--------------------------- 
Monday Mar 1 2010

Things cops figure out....from experience on the job.

How about :

- The running speed of a Belgian Malinois is at least twice that of the
average out of shape tweaker. If you are going to attempt to outrun one, please calculate the "Rate x Time = Distance" formula ahead of time if you want to avoid getting bit.

- If they say they "just met" another person, then they are close friends who just committed a crime and don't want to be implicated with aforementioned friend.

Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something. Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something.

- If you get called to a 911 hang-up and a guy answers the door with a 9 month old child in his arms and says "Oh, the baby must have accidentally dialed it", he means he was just involved in a domestic that he doesn't want you to know about. Sometimes the same guy has a $25k felony warrant as well.

- If you borrowed a BMW from a friend it's not unreasonable to expect you to know your friends last name.

- If you rob a gas station you're only going to get $20, but I get to see a large K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $20.

- If I can see a 12 year old in your house finishing a beer bong I don't need a warrant.

- If they tell you they borrowed the jacket from a friend, just before you search it, they've got something, and it's still gonna be their jacket.

- We get coffee breaks too, and sometimes we run into stores and do some shopping during them.

- Any person who absolutely cannot sit still or hold a relevant conversation to pertaining subject, and does not mention desperate need of the lavatory, is either: 1) illegally transporting something 2) under the influence or 3) possessing some felony warrant out for them.

- If I ask you the day or month you were born and you have to think about it I don't believe your answer.

- If the company you entertain includes crack, meth, and/or heroin users I may act like a professional when you call me for the burglary report but I'm secretly laughing my ass off at the poetic justice of the situation.

- Speaking to me and starting your phrase with, "Screw you, you can't do..." will quickly make you the victim of your own ignorance.

- EVERYONE lies. The bad guys lie to try to get out of trouble, the victims lie to make their plight sound worse and/or to make the bad guy look worse. The truth is usually somewhere in between.

- Nobody in the history of the world has ever had "just a couple of beers" and then ended up in contact with law enforcement under circumstances where the amount of alcohol they have consumed is a factor.

- I know ALL my cousin's last names. Especially the ones that I know well enough to borrow their car. So should you. Unless they aren't really your cousin.

- "I get a check" is not the answer that tells me you are a solid citizen when I ask you where you work.

- No bathroom, ANYWHERE, in any house, is large enough to fit everyone who was in the house when the shooting happened. If you tell me you were peeing outside when I point that out, you better be able to show me a wet spot.

- If you look right then left more than once while talking to my face, you are about to wear handcuffs or sit in the back seat of my unit, I do not like foot pursuits.

- If I ask you "is there anything in the car that's illegal" and you say "not that I know of" or "there shouldn't be".....I get very excited. it's like Christmas morning.