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Quarters
A young boy enters the barber shop and Bill the barber whispers to
his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch
while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want,
son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell
you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns! He's got to
be the dumbest kid in the world" .
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a
question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar
bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take
the dollar, the game's over!!!!"
---------------------------
Tuesday June 29 2010
A
man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get
up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband
replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she
fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says....
"HEBREWS"
---------------------------
Monday June 28 2010
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman: "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The barman considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the barman: "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The barman agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. Then, as the rat plays the blues, the man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies. "He's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the barman demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere half a million!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. The rat's a ventriloquist."
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Friday June 25 2010
TALKING CLOCK
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a
big brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of
the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,"
the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his
astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's
it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch,"
the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an
ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at
one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the
wall screamed, "You a**hole, it's three o'clock in the
morning!"
---------------------------
Thursday June 24 2010
THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY:
Some
people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they
still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of
stairs.
---------------------------
Wednesday June 23 2010
*Parenthood*
If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
---------------------------
Tuesday June 22 2010
Date Rape Drug Warning
Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these
"beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex,
a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several
"beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women.
Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a
horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.
Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's
savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme
cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term
servitude through a punishment called "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more sus! ceptible to this scam once
"beer" is administered. Forward this warning to every male
you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to
this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who
administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every
major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter
in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded
guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages
under "Golf Courses."
---------------------------
Monday June 21 2010
FAMOUS PERSON QUOTES
You know "that look" women get when they want sex?
Me neither."
Steve Martin
********************************************
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is
the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
********************************************
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
********************************************
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
********************************************
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
********************************************
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
*******************************************
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
********************************************
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld
********************************************
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart
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Friday June 18 2010
A
man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor
used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
---------------------------
Tuesday June 15 2010
A
young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a
grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with
no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour
late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault
lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of
his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service,
sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say:
"I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't
never seen anything like that."
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Monday June 14 2010
One
day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth
to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and
said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men
who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who
were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St.
Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were
gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long,
and in the line of
men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry
and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created
you in my image and you were
all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood
up and made
me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to
be the only one
in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand
here."
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Thursday June 10 2010
Is gas really expensive?
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?
This makes one think, and puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ......... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ....... $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ............. $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ........... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ......... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .......... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ............... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................. $84.48 per gallon
and this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........ $21.19 per gallon.
$21.19 FOR WATER! ....and the buyers don't even know the source.
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run
on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, PEPTO BISMOL or
NYQUIL!!!!
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the
pump...........!
---------------------------
Wednesday June 9 2010
It
was a few minutes before the services started.
The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly.
Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each
other
in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman.
He sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy
was in front of him.
Satan walked right up to the old man and said, "Don't you know
who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the old gentleman.
"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?", asked
Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an
even tone.
"Don't you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying
AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't
you afraid
of me"?
The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly replied,
"Been married
to your sister for over 52 years."
---------------------------
Tuesday June 8 2010
While waiting for my
first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I
noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had
been in my high school class some 40 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly dismissed any such
thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined
face was too old to have been MY classmate. After he had examined my
teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1954."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and asked, "What did you
teach?"
---------------------------
Monday June 7 2010
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so ... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.
MEN'S ENGLISH:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
---------------------------
Friday June 4 2010
This is interesting....written by Bryant Ross aka"ChainsawLarry
The history of mankind in brief (or) Where it all went wrong
The other day I was having a discussion with my buddy and his wife. As discussions like this often go, it became yet another skirmish in the war between the sexes. Kate looked me in the eye and with a self-satisfied smirk said “Well if it wasn’t for women, men would still be living in CAVES!”
When you’re right you’re right. Credit where credit is due. Kate was right. If it wasn’t for women, men WOULD still be living in caves.
I mean really, let’s look at it dispassionately.
However many bajillion years ago men and women lived in caves, a natural shelter from wind, rain and the other ravages of weather. They lived in large family groupings, raising their young and helping one another out, sharing the load and both working and protecting in turn. From each according to ability, to each according to need. Men did what they do best, they hunted and they fished. Women did the gathering. Men set out daily with clubs and spears to see waht they could hunt down or trap to feed the family, they hunted and fished all day and wandered home at night to share what they had gotten. The women went out and walked around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.
So it went on, for centuries this order of things was the standard. The men hunted and fished, the women gathered. It worked, everyone was happy.
Then it happened. Shirley was peeling some kind of vegetable in the cave one day, and Ralph came home with the other guys, they had just killed a mastodon. Ralph and the guys were all carrying chunks of meat and had the skin rolled up and shoulered between them. Shirley was cold, and she had been trying to gather roots all day and her feet hurt. The wind was blowing into the cave and the rain was bothering her. She looked at the mastodon skin and a light went off in her head.
“Hey Ralph” she said “Could you hang that skin up in the door of the cave? I’ll bet it would really cut down the wind and rain blowing in”
Ralph looked at it, and even though he was tired from Mastodon hunting (I mean really, it can’t have been all that easy, those things were BIG), being a nice guy he thought he’d do Shirley a favour, and climbed up the rocks and hung up the mastodon skin. Little did he know that when he did that he doomed all future generations of men to the slavery we now live. If ralph had only said “no” at that moment we would all be happy. But that’s not how it all happened. Ralph climbed up and hung that skin, Shirley was happy....for the moment.
A month or so later Ralph wanted to get a little “Romantic” with Shirley. Generally this wasn’t much of a problem once he had washed the mastodon blood off himself. This particular night, however, when Ralph got all snuggled up to Shirley she said “You know Ralph… I’d feel a LOT more romantic if we had some privacy” She indicated the other families that lived in the cave, parents and granparents etc. He looked from them back to Shirley who batted her eyelashes coyly. He sighed and began to figure out just how many more mastodon skins he’d need to hang them all around their sleeping area. The next day off he went to get some more skins, just so he might get laid.
While all of this
went on, the women still went out and walked around gabbing and
gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and
roots for all manner of uses.
It skyrocketed from there, Ralph and Shirley got skins around their sleeping area. Once Wilma saw that SHE wanted them too, and off Fred went to get some skins. Before long all the guys did was go hunting to get skins so they could close off their areas and possibly get laid.
It wasn’t long before Shirley wheedled Ralph that if they took all those skins OUTSIDE and put them up they would have even more privacy… Now Ralph didn’t know why privacy was so goddamned important, he rather liked being able to romp about with his buddies in the cave, and to call out to them, have impromptu belching and farting contests, and to generally have a good time being guys. NOW Shirley wanted him to take the skins outside, put them on sticks and actually live in it. However… the choice was not getting laid… so obviously out they went.
While all of this went on, the women still went out and walked around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.
Predictably, not to be outdone all the other women wanted THEIR own spaces too…
So before long the cave sat empty and skin tents populated the world, animals were driven to extinction to provide skins, and men lost their communal culture. As a matter of fact men began actually working for one another to provide the amenities that their women demanded… because they just wanted to get laid.
And…
While all of this went on, the women still went out and walked around gabbing and gossiping while they looked around and selected juicy berries and roots for all manner of uses.
Fast forward to today
Men go out to work every day, WHY?? To provide a place for their
women to live… because if they didn’t? you got it, they
wouldn’t get laid. It used to be that they went out every day to
hunt and fish, enjoy being together and generally have a good time.
There were no wars because all of the aggression was taken out in
the hunt. Everyone could have a good time together and go home
afterward. Today we spend all week making money so we can pay for
the house. If we hunt or fish even the most lucky of us gets to do
it on weekends, and only if our buddies can get time off work will
we do it as a group.
However…
While all of this goes on, the women still go out and walk around
gabbing and gossiping while they look around and select various
articles of clothing and decorative items for all manner of uses.
Men no longer get to hunt and fish, but women STILL get to shop.
In conclusion, I need
to say this:
Yes, if it weren’t for women men would still be living in caves,
hell, it makes sense! By now we’d have big screen TVs and
barcloungers in those caves, and 4X4s parked outside. We’d still
have graphite fishing rods and beer and football, but the caves
would still be there because like everything else listed, they make
sense.
The trouble is, eventually someone would want to get laid…
---------------------------
Thursday June 3 2010
A
man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into
a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While
en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a
witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he
intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the
house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun
to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, Don't do it!
This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited
money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Bears Tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even
pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly
lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What
would you do?"
The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket
before he catches a cold."
---------------------------
Wednesday June 2 2010
To be posted VERY LOW on
the refrigerator door - nose height:
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --
canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, "THEN" go smell the other dog or
cat's rear end. I cannot stress this enough!
---------------------------
Tuesday June 1 2010
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. His wife was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day his wife went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Honey," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" She replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."! "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
