The fourth lady stands up: ‘I must confess,’ she says, ‘I’m an incurable gossip, and I’ve some phone calls to make.’  

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Jan 19 2010

Personality Test
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it.
They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

If you have chosen:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

--------------------------- 
Friday Jan 15 2010

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a debate that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

--------------------------- 
Thursday Jan 14 2010

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman: "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The barman considers it, then agrees.  The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the barman: "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The barman agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. Then, as the rat plays the blues, the man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies. "He's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the barman demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere half a million!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. The rat's a ventriloquist."

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Jan 13 2010

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. 

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Jan 12 2010

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your 
 casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?"

 Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
 spiritual leader, and a great family man."

 Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
 servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

 Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

--------------------------- 
Monday Jan 11 2010

Female Guinness Book of Records

Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread
throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boy scouts. 

Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles,a coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to
a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party.  Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later. 

Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath.  Mrs.Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour.  She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups.  At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third
of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous jesticulations and indignant spasms.

--------------------------- 
Sunday Jan 10

Why Men Lie

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared.

The Lord asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said
'yes' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

--------------------------- 
Saturday Jan 9

 2010USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of business men who had used the special rates, asking how  they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

--------------------------- 
Friday Jan 9 2010

Why God Loves Blondes

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself...

"Brandi, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket." 

--------------------------- 
Thursday Jan 8 2010

Rules For Men

1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately
change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the
misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from
the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be
angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not
she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a
backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is
that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

50 Rules For Women

This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Jan 7 2010

Guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he says.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written
on it," she replies

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explains.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the
hell was that for?"

"Your horse phoned."

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Jan 6 2010

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the bill. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the bill.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your bill.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The bill:
Soup of the Day          £3.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day           £2.50
Access to Support        £1.00
TOTAL        £6.50

--------------------------- 
Monday Jan 5 2010

It's a Sunday morning in an old rural church that is packed when *BOOM! CRASH*... thunder roars, the wind howls... and *POOF*! There in the middle of the church appears the devil. People start screaming. There's panic and mayhem as everyone runs for the exits...well... almost everyone. Two people are still there in the church, in the presence of Satan. One is the pastor, and the other is an old farmer. Well, Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the pastor and says, "You, I can understand not running and hiding from me. You are here in your Lord's house. You preach against me every day and you are not afraid. But YOU!" he points to the old farmer sitting calmly in a pew, "Why did you not run from me?" The farmer crosses one leg over the other, pulls the toothpick he was chewing out of his mouth... "Me? Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me. I've been married to your sister for 38 years."

--------------------------- 
Sunday Jan 4 2010

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau.  If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.   If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone  money.

 And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

 It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:  A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

 The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly  on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience  Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the  woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it - mainly  because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a  blonde. But she had no alternative.

 She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The  blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

 The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And, considering that her friend was a blonde, it  would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde  had  responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could  not help  but be persuaded.

 "I need an answer," said Regis.
 Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
 "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
 "Yes, that is my final answer."

 Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

 Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
 "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant.
 "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you know something? It was the suredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the  way...how did you happen to know the right answer?"

 "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build  nests. They live in clocks!

--------------------------- 
Saturday Jan 2 2010

What kids think about romance and marriage (Brilliant!)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
**********************************
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you  like sports, she should keep the chips and dip  coming.
Alan, age 10
 -----------------------------------------------------
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age  10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
*****************************************
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
-----------------------------------------------
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
**************************************************
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
***********************************************
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
**************************************************
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
--------------------------------------------
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

--------------------------- 
Friday Jan 1 2010

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen. 
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT. 

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. 

I will dispense this advice now. 

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. 

You are NOT as fat as you imagine. 

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. 

Do one thing every day that scares you. 


Sing. 
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. 


Floss. 
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. 

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. 

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. 


Stretch. 
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't. 

Get plenty of calcium. 

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone. 

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. 

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. 

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. 

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. 

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good. 

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. 

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. 

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. 


Travel. 
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. 

Respect your elders. 

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. 

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85. 

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. 

But trust me on the sunscreen.