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Comprehending Engineers -
Lesson One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
"What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've
never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here
comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group
ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied,
"Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And
I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why
can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted
him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one
of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and
everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In
desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past. The engineer
reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This
is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine
worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000
from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized
accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk
mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a
mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another
said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections." The last said,
"Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said
he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed
time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found
there. The engineer said, "I like having both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other
woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried
out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay
with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took
the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,
the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer
said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog......now THAT's cool."
---------------------------
Thursday Dec
30 2010
These are the survey
answers received from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take
to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to
code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it.
By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can
I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's
busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate
was a light bulb?
---------------------------
Wednesday Dec
29 2010
A man and his wife are in
court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the
child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the
child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my
custody." The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do
you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for a while
contemplating...then slowly rose.
"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi
comes out...whose Pepsi is it...the machine's or mine?"
---------------------------
Tuesday Dec
28 2010
Tips for Holiday Eating...
I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you
follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to
New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving
rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch,
it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't
find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You
can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them
again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips.
Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.
---------------------------
Monday Dec
27 2010
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a debate that goes
on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2
"wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false
pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and
faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his
grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
---------------------------
Friday Dec
24 2010
Christmas at the Gas Station
The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through.
Instead of throwing the man out, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the heater and warm up. "Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger "I see you're busy, I'll just go." "Not without something hot in your belly." George said.
He turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger. "It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty, "Stew ... made it myself. When you're done, there's coffee and it's fresh."
Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell. "Excuse me, be right back," George said. There in the driveway was an old '53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked. "Mister can you help me!" said the driver, with a deep Spanish accent. "My wife is with child and my car is broken."
George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold, the car was dead. "You ain't going in this thing," George said as he turned away.
"But Mister, please help ..." The door of the office closed behind George as he went inside. He went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building, opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting. "Here, take my truck," he said. "She ain't the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good."
George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. He turned and walked back inside the office. "Glad I gave 'em the truck, their tires were shot too. That 'ol truck has brand new ." George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The Thermos was on the desk, empty, with a used coffee cup beside it. "Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought.
George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered that the block hadn't cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator. "Well, shoot, I can fix this," he said to himself. So he put a new one on.
"Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car anyway.
As he was working, he heard shots being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Please help me."
George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention. "Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought. The uniform company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound. "Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin'," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease.
"Something for pain," George thought. All he had were the pills he used for his back. "These ought to work." He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills. "You hang in there, I'm going to get you an ambulance."
The phone was dead. "Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your car." He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio.
He went back in to find the policeman sitting up. "Thanks," said the officer. "You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area."
George sat down beside him, "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than what it is. Bullet passed right through 'ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right as rain."
George got up and poured a cup of coffee. "How do you take it?" he asked. "None for me," said the officer. "Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city. Too bad I ain't got no donuts." The officer laughed and winced at the same time.
The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun. "Give me all your cash! Do it now!" the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before.
"That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer.
"Son, why are you doing this?" asked George, "You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt."
The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!"
The cop was reaching for his gun. "Put that thing away," George said to the cop, "we got one too many in here now."
He turned his attention to the young man. "Son, it's Christmas Eve. If you need money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got. Now put that pee shooter away. "
George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry. "I'm not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job, my rent is due, my car got repossessed last week ."
George handed the gun to the cop. Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can."
He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. "Sometimes we do stupid things." George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Bein' stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out."
The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop. "Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry officer."
"Shut up and drink your coffee." the cop said.
George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn. "Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer.
"Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?"
"GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man.
Chuck answered him, "I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran."
George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other.
"That guy work here?," the wounded cop continued. "Yep," George said, "just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job."
The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?"
Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas boy ... and you too, George, and thanks for everything ."
"Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems."
George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box. "Here you go, something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day."
The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. "I can't take this," said the young man. "It means something to you."
"And now it means something to you," replied George. "I got my memories. That's all I need."
George reached into the box again. An airplane, a car and a truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. "Here's something for that little man of yours."
The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier.
"And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that too," George said, "Now git home to your family."
The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. "I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good."
"Nope. I'm closed Christmas day," George said. "See ya the day after."
George turned around to find that the stranger had returned. "Where'd you come from? I thought you left?"
"I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger. "You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?"
"Well, after my wife passed away, I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides I was gettin' a little chubby."
The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder. "But you do celebrate the holiday, George.
You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry.
The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor.
The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists.
The young man who tried to rob you will make you a rich man and not take any for himself. "That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man."
George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And how do you know all this?" asked the old man.
"Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again."
The stranger moved toward the door. "If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned."
George watched as the old leather jacket and the torn pants that the stranger was wearing turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room.
"You see, George ... it's My birthday. Merry Christmas."
George fell to his knees and replied, "Happy Birthday, Lord."
Author Unknown
---------------------------
Thursday Dec
23 2010
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia.
---------------------------
Wednesday Dec
22 2010
A woman gets home, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!!!!" Her husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?" She says, "I don't care. Just get the heck out."
---------------------------
Tuesday Dec
21 2010
An oldie...but a goodie....
In a group of beautiful
deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are
suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in
the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and
another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a
Restaurant and a laundry, have got the woman pregnant in order to
supply employees for their store.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because
the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the
true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the
necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how
sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend
respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her
relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes
are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litters of coconut whisky. But
they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
---------------------------
Monday Dec
20 2010
A young man asked an old
rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son,
it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last
nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent
the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated
a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
---------------------------
A Sad Tale
Late last month, I was rushing around trying to get some last
minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly
of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the
parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt
obligated to buy.
I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So
mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre
entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I
heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly
dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a
ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what
was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large
family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had
died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and
worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large
family.
Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred
dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been
dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to
use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just
enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall,
when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and
disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help
me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy
cry for help.
So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
---------------------------
This Year's First
Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You
must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And so The Christmas Season begins......
---------------------------
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
---------------------------
EXPRESSIONS FOR WOMEN
DURING HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You - Off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't
asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
---------------------------
An English explorer was
taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled
local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks.
Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of the
expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.
"Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he
passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do
not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti." The expedition
heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell,
and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night, the
Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping.
Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing
above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran
out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti,
after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began
to chase the explorer down the slope. The explorer ran away from the
camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner
he looked behind him to see the bounding form
of the yeti still chasing him. So the explorer continued
to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days,
exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments,
the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet
on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing
him and only moments away. The explorer took off again, reaching a
supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a
mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty
miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough
terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.
Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport
back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of
the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed.
Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove
it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived,
the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London. After
his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a
while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there
less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a
familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the
man couldn't believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to
England! The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any
means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but
each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the
yeti came into view. Eventually the man made it all the way to
Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside.
He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer,
and in the end the man could run no more.
With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally
stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last
of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him.
The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare
in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman
squarely in the chest with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice
the yeti said, "Tag! You're it!"
---------------------------
The Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a
perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together
was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect
couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a
winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in
distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood
Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they
were driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect
couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and
there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That
is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman
must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car
accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this
illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
---------------------------
To
Whom It May Concern:
I am hereby officially tendering
my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of
an 8 year old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and
think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a
sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M & Ms are better than money because you
can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand
with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when
life was simple; when all you knew were colours, multiplication
tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you
didn't know what you didn't and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy
because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make
you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be
overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains
of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month
than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and
loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of
smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the
imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my cheque (check)
book and my car keys, my credit card bills and my RRSP (Registered
Retirement Savings Plan) statements.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause ………. "Tag! You're it."
---------------------------
Wednesday Dec
8 2010
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
---------------------------
Some of these are obviously untrue....but they are amusing to read.
FBI TOP DEATHS OF THE YEAR
Every year
the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes
including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide
Investigations Unit puts out its Top Homicides of the year.
Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she
crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing
the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel
chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
Peter
Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he
had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone
felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly
inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared
dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha
Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't
realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using
the same
method one month later.
David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after
he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met
with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had
given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for
failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston,
clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just
how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after
she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the
troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in
front of them and yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up
target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the
target. She just looked like a very real looking target,
one of the troopers stated in his report.
Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael
because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister
to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with
the broken arial.
Helena
Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was
killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over
a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a
Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of
radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including
total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even
had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery
or hospital for a check up.
Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by
loading her car with rintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford
Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a
force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was
heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of
the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater,
and 500m of missing road.
Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the
early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years
had a mounted F4 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire
the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property.
Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers
about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was
served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this
he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the
whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the
position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it,
hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her
instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin
brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family
home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal
problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian
stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3
gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a
box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the
spree, have a puff on me, Brian". Conrad promptly lit a
cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.....
---------------------------
Monday Dec
6 2010
Some guy bought a new
fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his
front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You
want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided
that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be
true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."
The next day someone stole it.
Caution. They Walk Among Us
---------------------------
Please Note: The male version of this joke is further below
HOW TO
SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
*She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
*She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
*She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
*She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
*She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
*She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
*She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD
DISPLACEMENT.
*She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CAREGIVER.
*She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
*She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
*She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
*She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
*She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
*She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
*She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
*She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
*She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO
SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
*He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
*He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
*He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
*He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
*He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
*He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
*He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
*He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
*He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
*He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
*He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE
PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
---------------------------
Thursday Dec 2 2010
1. Police
in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in
the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting
beer cans off each other's head.
3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record
showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety
goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the
film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that
twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the
screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven
stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the
film.
4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city
limits.
5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but
by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had
boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and
back pain.
6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a
book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript
to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in
seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went
out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.
Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to
the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
8.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,
and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was
working, the suspect confessed.
9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to
hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to
call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police
and was arrested.
10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of
walking," stole a steam roller and led police on a 5 mph chase
until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
---------------------------
Wednesday Dec 1 2010
When I was 14, I hoped
that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She
was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.
When I was 28 I
found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad
impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When
I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now a lot older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big
tits.
