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An 80-year-old woman was
arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked
her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she
was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She
replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
"She also stole a can of peas," the Husband said.
---------------------------
Monday Aug 30 2010
Classified Ads
Actually
Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
--------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE...
BETTER BE A REWARD.
-----------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB --$850/offer
----------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
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COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
--------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
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HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE
IT!"
-------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
----------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER &DRYER $300.
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ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
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OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE &DONUTS
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FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer
needed. Got married."
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Friday Aug 27 2010
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local
church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the
man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and
asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no
need to confess that." "It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors." The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way.
But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Thursday Aug 26 2010
Men
Die First for a Reason:
by Andy Rooney
Do you know how tough it is being a man...?
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should find
something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're
sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!
THEY WANT TO!!
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Wednesday Aug 25 2010
Sam
and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says
to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on
me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a
question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really
wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you
a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over
the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than
ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and
you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would
touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here,
to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape
again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me,
to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a
thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved.
So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to
be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
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Tuesday Aug 24 2010
Finally
a good blonde joke
A blonde walks into a bank in New York city and asks for the loan
officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two
weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the
bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde
hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in
front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees
to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for
using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An
employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later,
the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes
to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has
worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41?"
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Monday Aug 23 2010
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and says, "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow & I have no idea what to get for her. She already has everything she wants & she's not giving out any hints so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled." Joe thought that was a great idea- a classic 'win-win' situation. The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did my suggestion go over?" "Yeah, a little too well" said Joe dejectedly. "What dya mean, didn't she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh she liked it alright! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour'!"
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Friday Aug 20 2010
Advice from Men to women
To my female friends, this advice might be an ''EYE OPENER,'' but I make no
promises and no apologies...
1. Never buy a ''new'' brand of beer just because ''it was on sale.''
2. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
3. Please don't drive when you're not driving. When I am turning the wheel and the car
is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying "This is our exit" is not strictly necessary.
4. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to
one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
5. When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
6. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately
cooler than you want it.
7. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
8. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
9.You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
10. Silence does not need to be filled.
11. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
12. No, you can't have the remote control!
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Thursday Aug 19 2010
A cowboy
walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the
back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When
he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, so it would taste
better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is
in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and
one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.
The
cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two mugs. All the
regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back
to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't
want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and
he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he
explains.
"It's just that my wife made me join the Baptist Church and I
had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers
though."
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Wednesday Aug 18 2010
Housekeeping
tips
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel..... so if
unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and
unable to clean.
---------------------------
Tuesday Aug 17 2010
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want ...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
---------------------------
Monday Aug 16 2010
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish ............................................. 49
Adventurous ................. Slept with everyone
Athletic ....................................... No boobs
Average looking .................... Ugly
Beautiful ........................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile .................. Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure ...................... On medication
Feminist .......................................... Fat
Free spirit .................................... Junkie
Friendship first .......................... Former slut
Fun .......................................... Annoying
New-Age .............. Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned ............................. No BJs
Open-minded ................................. Desperate
Outgoing ........................ Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate ............................... Sloppy drunk
Professional .................................... Bitch
Voluptuous ................................... Very Fat
Large frame ................................. Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate ............................... Stalker
---------------------------
Friday Aug 13 2010
Marry
Me!
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her
right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything
about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as
we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a
very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool
when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and
did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly,
almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in
jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the
water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back
and lay down on his towel. She said, "That was
incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic
diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about
ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was
moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the
pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other
end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even
butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she
climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
endurance swimmer?"
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in
---------------------------
Thursday Aug 12 2010
MEDICAL ALERT
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails," "highballs," and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of...yep, you guessed it.
"MOUNT & DO."
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Wednesday Aug 11 2010
Why men Pee standing up
...
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please!
Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called? Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.
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Tuesday Aug 10 2010
Mood
Ring
My Husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the
other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it
leaves a big friggin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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Monday Aug 9 2010
1. It's important to
have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans
up and has a job.
2. It's important to
have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to
have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to
have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
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Friday Aug 6 2010
A
nursery school pupil tells his teacher about how he found a dead
cat. How did
you know It was dead?’ she asks. ‘Because I pissed in its ear,
but it didn’t move,’ says the child innocently. ‘You did
what?’ the teacher
squeals in surprise.
‘You know,’ explains the boy, ‘I leant over and went psst in its ear, but it didn’t move.’
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Wednesday Aug 4 2010
Those Texans
Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class
on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor,
to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of
joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the
young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas,
"How about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be
giddy-up."
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Tuesday Aug 3 2010
Sam and Mike are walking
from religious service. Sam wonders whether it would be all
right to smoke while praying. Mike replies, "Why don't you ask
Father Smith?"
So Sam goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I smoke
while I pray?"
But Father says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect
to our religion."
Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Father told
him.
Mike says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question.
Let me try."
And so Mike goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I
pray while I smoke?"
To which Father Smith eagerly replies, "By all means, my son.
By all means."
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Monday Aug 2 2010
~~ A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN
REWORD ~~
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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