Friday Apr 30 2010
Hummm....yet more lies about the fairer sex.....when will this end?!?!?!
1.Pass My Shotgun
2.Psychotic Mood Shift
3.Perpetual Munching Spree
5.People Make me Sick
7.Pardon My Sobbing
8.Pimples May Surface
9.Pass My Sweatpants
10.Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.Plainly; Men Suck
12.Pack My Stuff
...and my favorite one...
13.Potential Murder Suspect
Thursday Apr 29 2010
Shamelessly plagiarised from
Messrs Cleese, Palin, Idle, Chapman, Jones and Gilliam - I'm sure they'd
forgive me... :o) written by Kevin Smythers
The Model Shop Sketch (with thanks to Monty Python's and their 'Cheese Shop Sketch')
RIVETCOUNTER: Good Morning.
HASEGAWA: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Model Emporium.
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, thank you my good man.
HASEGAWA: What can I do for you, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all plasticky.
HASEGAWA: Plasticky, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I want to build something, like.
HASEGAWA: Ah, modelling.
RIVETCOUNTER: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little injected plastic will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some plastic construction kits.
HASEGAWA: Come again?
RIVETCOUNTER: I want to buy some models.
HASEGAWA: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
RIVETCOUNTER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
HASEGAWA: So he can go on playing, can he?
RIVETCOUNTER: Most certainly. Now then, some models please, my good man.
HASEGAWA: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, eh, how about a little Monogram?
HASEGAWA: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Monogram, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh never mind, how are you on Testors?
HASEGAWA: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get a new delivery on Monday.
RIVETCOUNTER: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout modelman, some Aires resin cockpits then, if you please.
HASEGAWA: Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Eduard?
HASEGAWA: Sorry, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Eastern Express?
HASEGAWA: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah. Airfix?
RIVETCOUNTER: Hawk? Fonderie Miniatures?
RIVETCOUNTER: Any Accurate Miniatures, per chance?
RIVETCOUNTER: ID Models?
HASEGAWA: ..... No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Frog or Novo?
RIVETCOUNTER: Matchbox, AMT, AMTech, Otaki, Alan, Classic Airframes, Imai, Zvezda, Italeri?
RIVETCOUNTER: Polar Lights, perhaps?
HASEGAWA: Ah! We have a Polar Lights kit, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You do! Excellent.
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit warped.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh, I like it warped.
HASEGAWA: Well, it's very warped, actually, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: No matter. Fetch hither le plastique de la belle chance! M-mmm!
HASEGAWA: I think it's a bit more warped than you'll like it, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: I don't care how f***ing warped it is. Hand it over with all speed.
HASEGAWA: Oh .....
RIVETCOUNTER: What now?
HASEGAWA: The cat's stolen it.
RIVETCOUNTER: Has he?
HASEGAWA: She, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Anigrand Craftswork?
HASEGAWA: No, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You do have some models, do you?
HASEGAWA: Of course, sir. It's a model shop, sir. We've got .....
RIVETCOUNTER: No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
HASEGAWA: Fair enough.
RIVETCOUNTER: Er, HASEGAWA:?
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, well, I'll have one of those.
HASEGAWA: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr HASEGAWA:, that's my name.
HASEGAWA: Ah, not as such.
RIVETCOUNTER: Er, Roden?
RIVETCOUNTER: Special Hobby?
RIVETCOUNTER: Czech Master Resin?
RIVETCOUNTER: Super Model?.
HASEGAWA: Not today, sir, no.
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, how about Tamiya?
HASEGAWA: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Not much ca- It's the single most popular model manufacturer in the world!
HASEGAWA: Not round here, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: And what is the most popular model manufacturer round here?
HASEGAWA: Revell, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it.
HASEGAWA: Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it.
HASEGAWA: It's our number-one best seller, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: I see. Ah, Revell, eh?
HASEGAWA: Right, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
HASEGAWA: I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's not much of a model shop, is it?
HASEGAWA: Finest in the district, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
HASEGAWA: Well, it's so clean, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's certainly uncontaminated by models.
HASEGAWA: You haven't asked me about Lindberg, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it worth it?
HASEGAWA: Could be.
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
HASEGAWA: (To dancers) Told you so.
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you got any Lindberg?
RIVETCOUNTER: That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you in fact got any models here at all?
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir.
HASEGAWA: No. Not really, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You haven't.
HASEGAWA: No, sir, not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
HASEGAWA: Right-O, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: (Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
Wednesday Apr 28 2010
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.
He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk.
He drank it slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you?"
"You don't owe me anything," she replied. "Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness."
He said..... "Then I thank you from my heart."
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Many year's later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange
light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor's gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special
attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won.
Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words.....
"Paid in full with one glass of milk" (Signed)
Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: "Thank You, God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands."
There's a saying which goes something like this: Bread cast on the waters comes back to you. The good deed you do today may benefit you or someone you love at the least expected time. If you never see the deed again at least you will
have made the world a better place - And, after all, isn't that what life is all about?
Tuesday Apr 27 2010
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so.....
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it
or are still "with it."
OK, relax, clear your mind and .. begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the
next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even
overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate, such as Children's World." If you said
"water," proceed to question 3
3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from
blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "Green bricks,"
what the devil are you still doing reading these questions????? If you
said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If
you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines
failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also
failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third
engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the
plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? . . . in
East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,
you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a
plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't
bury the survivors," proceed to question 5.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how
many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree! If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than
"one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you
are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the
Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,
six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two
people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16
people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at
Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!
Monday Apr 26 2010
world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden
flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area
automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out
automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman," a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong........nothing can go wrong......nothing can go wrong......"
Friday Apr 23 2010
Hormones in Beer?
Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
Thursday Apr 22 2010
Parrot and Dog
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the
whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike"
Wednesday Apr 21 2010
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8
crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it
all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult
go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Tuesday Apr 20 2010
Things NOT To Say During Love making
everybody looks funny naked!
woke me for that?
I mention the video camera?
you smell something burning?
a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
breathing through your nose.
little rug burn never hurt anyone!
that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time…right? Person 2: Yeah...today.
the Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
you please pass me the remote control?
you accept Visa?
second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
much for mouth to mouth.
(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
(holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
you get any premium movie channels?
not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this
I just brushed my teeth….
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
want a baby!
much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
you know the ceiling needs painting?
think you have I ton backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You’re good enough to do this for a living!
that blood on the headboard?
I remember to take my pill?
you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
wish we got the playboy channel…
That leak better be from the waterbed!
told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
you quit smoking you might have more endurance…
really…I do this part better myself!
It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people….
50. You’re almost as good as my ex!---------------------------
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard, or bitch, who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be.... until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at you.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.
"Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".
Send this joke to 10 of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt.
Friday Apr 16 2010
These have to be original
and genuine - no adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot milk and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that was hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Thursday Apr 15 2010
Everyone knows Murphy's Law:
"Anything that can go wrong, will..." - Here are some
other Laws you may not have heard!
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Lowery's Law of Home Repair: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway
Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: The one item you need is always in short supply.
Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!
Wednesday Apr 14 2010
Some time off...
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde..it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.
"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb." A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
Tuesday Apr 13 2010
And of course this doesn't apply to any ARC'ers that live in Alberta.
Top 30 things You will
never Hear An Alberta Boy Say.....
30. Fireworks are dangerous.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, screw Pilsner, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep loaded firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling's fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and salad instead of steak & potatoes.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Grey Cup?
17. I'm voting Liberal this year.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Way to go Jean! Sign that Kyoto agreement now!
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all backed up on the C: drive.
10. I'm gonna buy a Ford Aerostar instead of that Dodge Diesel 4x4.
9. My fiancée, Rose, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Perrier for the Stanley Cup.
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "The Dukes of Hazaard" that we haven't seen!
4. I don't really have a favourite CFL team.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Margaret.
AND NUMBER ONE....
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving.
Monday Apr 12 2010
From an ARC'er.... It’s from the UK on a classic motorcycle message board, so you need to take that in to account.
I raced a Harley today
and after some really hard riding I managed to PASS the guy. I was
riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of mountain road
with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the bends have
warning signs that say "MAX SPEED 40 MPH".
I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his mudguard. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and out-power me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.
My only hope was to out-brake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the very last moment. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was with him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles
before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the mountain and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of Brit iron.
I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever peddled so hard in my life. And, some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...
Friday Apr 9 2010
#21 was written by Dan's Mon-key
These are taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters. They were printed in "Fortune" magazine.
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial nstitutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: Maturity Leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers if I don't work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my Mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital Status: single, unmarried, unengaged, uninvolved, no commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although, I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I should try stock brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far!"
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in a class of ten."
21. "References: none. I have left a path of destruction behind me."
Thursday Apr 8 2010
For three years, the young
attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The
previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Wednesday Apr 7 2010
20 Ways To Maintain A
Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to Espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write
"For sexual favors"
7. Finish all your sentences with
"in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are.
Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."
12 . Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and
play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you
can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name,
17. When the money comes out the ATM,
scream "I won!, I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner,
"Due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."
Tuesday Apr 6 2010
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric
cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world,
Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying
to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Monday Apr 5 2010
Tax officials in Valparaiso, Ind., admitted in February that they mistakenly valued one house at $400 million (though its previous assessment was $121,900), and even though they recomputed the owner's bill, they failed to erase from the city budget the $8 million in tax revenue they were expecting from the property, including $3 million that they had already disbursed.
Friday Apr 2 2010
feel stupid about using your computer -- read on. This is an excerpt
from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.
2. SAT technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another SAT customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid," The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer."
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...."
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
13. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
Now don't you feel better about your skill level?
Thursday Apr 1 2010
1. My mother taught me
TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught be about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."