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Hormones in Beer?
Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they
fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
---------------------------
Tuesday Sept 29 2009
Woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results, On her way home from her final release by the doctor she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weights each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
---------------------------
Monday Sept 28 2009
Stu
said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all
of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your
mother, 'cause I still have mine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the
divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775
a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And
every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a
double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked
inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he
finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered
another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks
all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt
pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm
looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know
it's time to go home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I
don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc." Said the husband. "But she's a great
cook and really good with the kids."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe,
but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the
curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now
pronounce you man and wife
---------------------------
Friday Sept 25 2009
In school one day little Johnny's teacher asked the class to bring in a story to share with the class. So Johnny brings the story of Joana and the whale.
After sharing his story with his classmates the teacher says to Johnny "Johnny that couldn’t happen that way" and Johnny says "Yes it did happen that way". The teacher says to Johnny "The whale's throat is to small for that Johnny".
Johnny finally giving up his argument says "Well when I get to heaven I'll ask Joana about it". The teacher says to Johnny "What if Joana doesn’t make it to Heaven and he goes to the other place?" and Johnny says, "Then you can ask him".
---------------------------
Thursday Sept 24 2009
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
---------------------------
Wednesday Sept 23 2009
A
funeral service is being held for a man who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the
casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring
the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and
find that the man is actually alive! He lives for ten more
years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and
at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the
casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the wife cries
out: "Watch that wall!"
---------------------------
Tuesday Sept 22 2009
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO
MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his
years)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that.
-- Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very
good morals)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Mike Schaffer, age 4 (bless you
child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
---------------------------
Monday Sept 21 2009
Real 911 Calls,
"BELIEVE" it or not!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house
on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Calle r: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from th! e bathroom, someone had taken a bite
out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of
it
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their
trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on
my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and
help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an
eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Ca ller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
---------------------------
Friday Sept 18 2009
These three guys are in a
bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the
establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they
"discuss" her "rating," which is on a 1 to 10 scale.
One says, "I'd give her a 7. She's really quite pretty."
Another agrees, and so does the third.
The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their
table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out
himself and says, "Nah, I'd only give her a 3."
"A 3? How can you give her a 3?" says one of the three
guys at the table. "She's a real pretty girl." The
bartender, walking away, says, "Well, I use the Budweiser
method for rating women."
The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste
in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another
young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they
confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9.
However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs,
again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself
and tells the fellows that he'd only give her a 5.
"A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She's absolutely
gorgeous!"
The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for
rating women.
"The Budweiser method?" they puzzle, as the bartender
returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.
Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5'11"
goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly
a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three
"judges" at the table determine that this young sultress is,
without any doubt, a 10.
However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply
behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the
girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very
best that he could give her, would be a 7.
"A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7?
She's gorgeous!"
"Well," says the bartender again, "I use the
Budweiser method for rating women."
"Budweiser!" says one of the guys, exasperated.
"What in the Hell is this 'Budweiser method' for rating
women?"
"Well, says the bartender, "the Budweiser method for
rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull
me off her."
Thursday Sept 17 2009
Cost of Kids.........
I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It's nice, really nice!!
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich."
Actually, it is just the opposite.
What do you get for your $160,140?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain. Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so . . . one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.
ENJOY YOUR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS!
---------------------------
Wednesday Sept 16 2009
Original
Quote
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
The New Versions.....
******************
* Pessimist: *
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was
*Optimist: *
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
*Suspicious: *
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
*Playful:*
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back,
and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *
*C++ Programmer:*
If(you-love(m_she))
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe
*Animal-Rights Activist*:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
*Lawyers:*
If you love someone,
Set her free, Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of
the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
*Bill Gates:*
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that
she's also going to get an upgrade.
*Biologist:*
If you love someone,
Set her free, She'll evolve.
*Statisticians:*
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
*Over possessive person:*
If you love someone don't set her free.
*HR specialist:*
If you love someone
set her free by Offering her VRS and other benefits
Then outsource her.
*MBA:*
If you love someone set her free instantaneously
and look for others simultaneously.
*Finance expert:*
If you love someone
set her free...
If she comes back its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
*Marketing Expert:*
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
************************************************************
When life seems just a dreary grind,
And things seem fated to annoy,
Say something nice to someone else
And watch the world light up with joy.
---------------------------
Tuesday Sept 15 2009
A trucker, who has been out on the road for three weeks, stops at a brothel. He hands the madam £500 and says: ‘I want your ugliest woman and a Spam sandwich.’ The Madam is astonished. ‘But sir, for £500 you can have one of my finest ladies and a three course meal,’ she says. The trucker replies: Listen, I’m not horny, I’m homesick.’
---------------------------
Monday Sept 14 2009
For
thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing
with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make
the woman
happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something
she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for
doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is
played.
Following is the official guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed: +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1
You leave the toilet seat up: -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty: 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom: -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty-liners with wings: +5
In the snow: +8
But return with beer: -5
And no liners: -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her cat: -40
AT A PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -10
With breast implants: -18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday: 0
You buy a card and flowers: 0
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the
colors of your favorite team: -10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal: 0
The pal is happily married: +1
The pal is single: -7
He drives a Ferrari: -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED): -15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER:
You take her to a movie: +2
You take her to a movie she likes: +4
You take her to a movie you hate: +6
You take her to a movie you like: -2
It's called Cop 3: -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans: -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly: -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it: +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts: -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.": -800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding: -10
You reply, "Where?": -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your butt": -100
Any other response: -20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem you listen, displaying a
concerned expression: 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience: +50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying,
"Well, what do you think I should do?": -50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep: -20
These are a couple that I've added that only scale modelers can relate
to.
You get up in the middle of the night to check out a strange noise. 0
It's your air compressor, you forgot to turn it off. -15
You take her to Columbus for a long week end vacation. +50
It's the same weekend the IPMS National Convention is being held. -100
(and don't even think of the point loss if you spend more in the vendors
room than she does shopping)
---------------------------
Friday Sept 11 2009
A
new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He
notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out
that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would
never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging
his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the 'R', We
forgot the 'R'." His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is
celebrate."
---------------------------
Thursday Sept 10 2009
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists .... Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
---------------------------
There are only eleven times
in history where the "F" word has been 11. "What the
@#$% do you mean we're sinking?" 10. "What the
@#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9.
"Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" 6. "How
the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC 4.
"Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937
---------------------------
Royal Flying Corps Monthly Safety Report The following safety tips
from the Daedalian Foundation are excerpts from a Royal Flying Corps
monthly safety report. The report was signed C. St. John-Culbertson,
Royal Flying Corps, Colonel, and was dated 21 December 1917. INTRODUCTION Another good
month. In all, a total of 35 accidents were reported, only six of which
were avoidable. These represented a marked improvement over the month of
November during which 84 accidents occurred, of which 23 were avoidable.
This improvement, no doubt, is the result of experienced pilots with
over 100 hours in the air forming the backbone of all the units RESUME OF ACCIDENTS Avoidable accidents 1. Avoidable accidents
this last month. 2. There were 29
unavoidable accidents from which the following are selected: COST OF ACCIDENTS:
Accidents during the last three months of 1917 cost 317 pounds, 10
shillings and sixpence, money down the drain and sufficient to buy new
gaiters and spurs for each and every pilot observer in the Service. ACCIDENT BRIEFS No. 1 Brief No. 912
Squadron 3 December 1917 Aircraft type B.E. 2C No. XY 678, Total
solo - - 4.20 Pilot Lt. J. Smyth-Worthington, Solo in type - - 1.10 The
pilot of this flying machine attempted to maintain his altitude in a
turn at 2,500 feet. This resulted in the aeroplane entering an
unprecedented manoeuvre, entailing a considerable loss of height. Even
with full power applied and the control column fully back, the pilot was
unable to regain control. However, upon climbing from the cockpit onto
the lower mainplane, the pilot managed to correct the machines altitude,
and by skillful manipulation of the flying wires successfully
sideslipped into a nearby meadow. Remarks: Although,
through inexperience, this pilot allowed his aeroplane to enter an
unusual attitude, his resourcefulness in eventually landing without
damage has earned him a unit citation. R.F.C. Lundsford-Magnus
is investigating the strange behaviour of this aircraft. No. 2 Brief No. 847
Squadron 19 December 1917 Aircraft type Spotter Balloon J17983, Total
solo 107.00 Pilot Capt. * * * , Solo in type 32.10 Captain * * * has
requested an exchange posting to the Patroville Alps, a well-known mule
unit of the Basques. No. 3 Brief Summary
of No. 43 Brief dated October 1917 Major W. de Kitkag-Watney's Nieuport
Scout was extensively damaged when it failed to become airborne. The
original Court of Inquiry found that the primary cause of the accident
was carelessness and poor airmanship on the part of a very experienced
pilot. The Commandant General, however, not being wholly convinced that
Major de Kitkag-Watney could be guilty of so culpable a mistake ordered
that the Court should be re-convened. After extensive inquiries and
lengthy discussions with the Meteorological Officer and Astronomer
Royal, the Court came to the conclusion that the pilot unfortunately was
authorized to fly his aircraft on a day when there was absolutely no
lift in the air and could not be held responsible for the accident. The
Court wishes to take this opportunity to extend its congratulations to
Major de Kitkag-Watney on his reprieve and also on his engagement to the
Commandant General's daughter, which was announced shortly before the
accident. FLYING SAFETY TIPS. Horizontal turns. To take
a turn the pilot should always remember to sit upright, otherwise he
will increase the banking of the aeroplane. He should NEVER lean over. Crash precautions. Every
pilot should understand the serious consequences of trying to turn with
the engine off. It is much safer to crash into a house when going
forward than to sideslip or stall a machine with engine troubles. Passengers should always
use safety belts, as the pilot may start stunting without warning. Never release the belt
while in the air, or when nosed down to land. Engine noises Upon the
detection of a knock, grind, rattle or squeak, the engine should be at
once stopped. Knocking or grinding accompanied by a squeak indicates
binding and a lack of lubricant. WATCH THAT FIRST STEP.
The First Marine Air Wing had this write up in their Safety publication
Wing Tips It was conceded by all
that the pilot had accomplished a brilliant piece of work in landing his
disabled machine without damage under the circumstances. It is not with
intent to reflect less credit upon his airmanship, but it must be noted
that he is a well experienced aviator with over 40 total hours in the
air, embracing a wide variety of machines, and this was his seventh
forced landing due to complete failure of the engine. It was doubly unfortunate
that upon alighting from his machine he missed the catwalk on the lower
airfoil and plunged both legs through the fabric, straddling a rib, from
which he received a grievous personal injury. Some thought should be
devoted to a means of identifying wing-traversing catwalks to assist
aviators in disembarking from their various
---------------------------
Good, Bad & the Ugly
---------------------------
A guy walks into a bar just before closing with a pair of jumper cables wrapped around his neck and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, but don't you go starting anything."
---------------------------
The
5 questions most feared by men are: 1.
What are you thinking about? 2.
Do you love me? 3.
Do I look fat? 4.
Do you think she is prettier than me? 5.
What would you do if I died?
---------------------------
A
curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line
of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed
to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others
though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But
every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan
would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching
Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.
So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me,
Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for
judgment, but I couldn't help wondering ....why are you tossing those
people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the
others?"
"Ah,
those...," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Nova
Scotia. They're still too cold and wet to burn."
---------------------------
FREE
BEER
---------------------------
Wednesday Sept 9 2009
considered acceptable for use, as follows:
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of the RMS Titanic, 1912
-- George Armstrong Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." --
Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" --
Picasso, 1926
5. "You want WHAT on that @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....my ass!"
-- Noah, 6314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find
out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing
mad!"
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
Tuesday Sept 8 2009
a. The pilot of a Shorthorn, with over 7 hours
of experience, seriously damaged the undercarriage on landing. He had
failed to land at as fast a speed as possible as recommended in the
Aviation Pocket Handbook.
b. A B.E. 2 stalled and crashed during an
artillery exercise. The pilot had been struck on the head by the
semaphore of his observer who was signaling to the gunners.
c. Another pilot in a B.E. 2 failed to get
airborne. By an error of judgment, he was attempting to fly at mid-day
instead of at the recommended best lift periods, which are just after
dawn and just before sunset.
d. A Longhorn pilot lost control and crashed in
a bog near Chipping-Sudbury. An error of skill on the part of the pilot
in not being able to control a machine with a wide speed band of 10 MPH
between top speed and stalling speed.
e. While low flying in a Shorthorn the pilot
crashed into the top deck of a horse drawn bus near Stonehenge. f. A B.E.
2 pilot was seen to be attempting a banked turn at a constant height
before he crashed. A grave error by an experienced pilot.
a. The top wing of a Camel fell off due to
fatigue failure of the flying wires. A successful emergency landing was
carried out.
b. Sixteen B.E. 2 s and 9 Shorthorns had
complete engine failures. A marked improvement over November's fatigue.
c. Pigeons destroyed a Camel and 2 Longhorns
after mid-air strikes.
Captain * * * of the Hussars, a balloon observer, unfortunately allowed
the spike of his full-dress helmet to impinge against the envelope of
his balloon. There was a violent explosion and the balloon carried out a
series of fantastic and uncontrollable manoeuvres, while rapidly
emptying itself of gas. The pilot was thrown clear and escaped injury,
as he was lucky enough to land on his head.
Remarks: This pilot was flying in full-dress uniform because he was the
Officer of the Day. In consequence it has been recommended that pilots
will not fly during periods of duty as Officer of the Day.
machines.
Monday Sept 7 2009
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
8. Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
9. Good: You son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do
Friday Sept 4 2009
GROAN!!!!!!!!!
Thursday Sept 3 2009
Wednesday Sept 2 2009
Tuesday Sept 1 2009
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The
view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where
the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."
"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red
Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first
2."
"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home
in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place
they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then
when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get
laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the
Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually
happen to you?"
"No, not me personally," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."
