Friday Oct 30 2009
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party after all. In as much as her husband didn't know what costume she'd be wearing, she thought she'd have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she wasn't around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every chick he could, getting a little kiss here and a warm squeeze there. His wife went up to him and being rather seductive herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to this new babe who had just arrived. She let him do whatever he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they did it all!
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked how the evening had been? He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "You know, I didn't dance even one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you...from what I heard, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
Wednesday Oct 28 2009
The Lord came to Noah, in
Canada, in the year 2009. The earth was wicked and over-populated. The
Lord instructed Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living
thing along with a few good humans. "Here's the blueprint",
said the Lord. "Hurry.... in six months I start the unending rain
for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard.... and no ark. "Noah", He roared, "Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go!
I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space.
Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union trades-people with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Canada Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder."You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" he asked.
"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it"
Tuesday Oct 27 2009
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,"she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light. The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. " Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day...
Monday Oct 26 2009
DOCTORS NOTES ON HOSPITAL CHARTS
(Makes you wonder where they got their medical degree!)
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Friday Oct 23 2009
A couple of nuns who were
nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an
outpatient. On the way back, they were a few miles from home when they
ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when
a truck approached.
Thursday Oct 22 2009
1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!
Wednesday Oct 21 2009
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"
And the moral of this story is :
Always keep your condoms in your car ...
Tuesday Oct 20 2009
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Ted loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut cards. Bob picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news to Ted's wife.
They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Bob goes over to Ted's apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Bob declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Bob.
Monday Oct 19 2009
Rules for calling a tech support
1.When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
2.When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,dried flowers, and trophies. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3.When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the email system.
4.When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and explain your problem(s) and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
5.When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink coffee or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have eMail or a telephone line.
6.Send urgent eMail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7.When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an eMail straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
8.When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?
9.When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
10.When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
11.When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
12.When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother going. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
13.When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear for no reason.
14.When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15.Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16.If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
17.When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
18.Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
19.When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
20.If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
21.If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
22.When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn'tbe doing it, would you?
23.Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
24.When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
25.When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help esk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack sh*t about the problem.
26.When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.
27.Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.
28.When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even while at the grocery store on weekends.
29.If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
30.When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.
Friday Oct 16 2009
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa." Father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?". The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day Grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this; "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." Next day the grandmother died. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
Thursday Oct 15 2009
Little Johnny attended a
horse auction with his father. He watched as His father moved from
horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump,
and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
Wednesday Oct 14 2009
It Takes Most Of Us 50 years to learn:
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
Your true friends love you, anyway.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Monday Oct 12 2009
How I learned to mind my own business
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day. All the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....
Some crazy fool poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Friday Oct 9 2009
a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors
out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass
themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then
carefully note their reaction:
night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer
parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the
duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted
everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and
gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my
Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and
everything, calling me a sh*t disturber" and what not. What could I
say, except, "Sorry, EH!"
the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us.
If however, they stare at you with blank incomprehension, they are not a
real Canadian. Report them to the authorities at once. CSIS or the
Mounties, it's your choice.
passage cited above contains no fewer than 18 different Canadianisms. In
order, they are:
EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the government for not
A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the other hand, is a
ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name, is still a
Canadianism through and through.)
C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian Club.
parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for
Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers.
A single building divided in half with two sets of inhabitants, each
trying to pretend the other doesn't exist while at the same time
managing to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada's French and
Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through skillful
misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in exclamatory
constructions such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning, "My, what
an impressive display of physical
dexterity employing misdirection and guile."
chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of Calgarians.
Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)
snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of "did sneak." (We think.)
ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its inconspicuousness.
impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival from of "impaired" being "pissed to the gills").
S.O.L.: Sh*t outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.
Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front. And back!
toque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.
chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip on one's shoulder." (See Western Canada)
sh*t disturber: a troublemaker or provocateur. According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "sh*t disturber" is a distinctly Canadian term.
Sorry, eh. --
Thursday Oct 8 2009
Two married buddies are out
at the local hobby shop one evening when one turns to the other and
says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
home late at night after I've bought a new model kit, I turn the
headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and
coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I
hide the new model kit in the garage, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up
and yells at me for buying a new model kit!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, put the new model kit on my workbench, storm up the steps with the new kit in hand, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
Wednesday Oct 7 2009
Luckiest B*stard In The World
BELGRADE - A Yugoslav Army paratrooper has survived a drop from an altitude of 3,300 feet after both his parachutes malfunctioned. 40-year-old Dragan Curcic escaped with minor cuts and bruises after his main and spare parachutes first failed to open and then became tangled when they opened simultaneously. "He went through the roof of an army building. Only God himself saved him from certain death," an eyewitness said. Another Yugoslav holds the record for surviving a fall from the greatest altitude without a parachute. Air hostess Vesna Vulovic plunged 33,330 feet into a snowbound forest in Czechoslovakia in 1972 when the air liner she was on exploded.
Monday Oct 5 2009
God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that
was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a
time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the E-mail said?
I was just wondering, I didn't get one either.......
Friday Oct 2 2009
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Thursday Oct 1 2009
"A not necessarily
well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a
question on the final exam paper. The question directed:
Give four advantages of breast milk.
"What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
(1) no need to boil
(2) never goes sour
(3) available whenever necessary.
"So far so good -- maybe. But the exam demanded a 4th answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly he brightened and grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
(4) available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
"He received an 'A'."