Monday Nov 30  2009

Cold Water ...  
 
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, 'Are these plates clean?' 
His grandfather replied 'Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.' That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, 'I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!'
Later that afternoon, as he was on his way out to get the paper, the dog started to growl and would not let him pass. 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me out!' he complained.
Without diverting his attention from the football game, his Grandfather shouted 'Coldwater, move!'

--------------------------- 
Friday Nov 27  2009

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody." The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose.
"Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out...whose Pepsi is it...the machine's or mine?"

--------------------------- 
Thursday Nov 26  2009

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Nov 25  2009

Some time off...

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy.  I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde..it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb." A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going. 

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Nov 24  2009

Seeing Eye Dog (true story)

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles.  By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way.  The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would rebound in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.  I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.  I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour.  Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"  Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!  The pilot was even wearing sunglasses!

People scattered.  They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

--------------------------- 
Monday Nov 23  2009

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

--------------------------- 
Friday Nov 20  2009

A small business puts a 'job vacant' ad in the newspaper, and in a short while 700 applications arrive in the fax. The boss looks at the huge pile, and says to the secretary 'take the top thirty applications from the file, have them come for an interview, and put the rest in the paper shredder'.
The secretary says , 'Isn't that unfair? There might be applications from excellent people in the rest of the pile.'
The boss replies 'I don't need unlucky guys working here'.

--------------------------- 
Thursday Nov 19  2009

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit more clear.

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON....the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Now, get back to work!

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Nov 18  2009

At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old.  Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.  After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and waits for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.  
All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.  After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door.  It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action.  Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. 
LouAnne is set to go to sleep again.   However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and  there he is again...Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action.  And again, they enjoy one another.  As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed turns to LouAnne and says,  "You mean I was here already?"

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Nov 17  2009

How to avoid the flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR .... You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......

I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!!! 

--------------------------- 
Monday Nov 16  2009

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED ABOUT TEXAS

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25, then it stops totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first  few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.

Fix-in-to is one word

A TANK is a dirt hole that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows, or swimming

There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it drinking it when you are two.

Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You Know you are from Texas if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch for "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

4. You see a car with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store. (note: in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word....)

6 All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable or an insect.

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables for your own car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

l0. You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and Tabasco.

11. You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

12. You think sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.

13. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

16. You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm

17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

18. You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

19. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world."

20. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop.... It's a Coke regardless of brand of flavor.

22. You understand these jokes. If you do, forward them to your friends from Texas (or others so they'll understand Texans).

--------------------------- 
Saturday Nov 14  2009

What kids think about romance and marriage (Brilliant!)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
**********************************
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you  like sports, she should keep the chips and dip  coming.
Alan, age 10
 -----------------------------------------------------
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age  10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
*****************************************
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
-----------------------------------------------
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
**************************************************
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
***********************************************
Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
**************************************************
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
--------------------------------------------
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
***********************************************
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote About me in all the dead columns.
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
 *********************************
When they're rich.
Pam, age 7 (typical)
----------------------------------------------------
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. 
Howard, age 8 (sucker)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
 ***********************************************
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
Theodore, age 8 (my man!)

----------------------------------------------------
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
 **********************************************
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, age 8 (he he he)

And the #1 Favourite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
*************************************
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, age 10 (clever boy!)

--------------------------- 
Friday Nov 13  2009

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.  The man said to the dentist, Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, -my goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said,  "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

--------------------------- 
Thursday Nov 12  2009

A ROOSTER NAMED RALPH

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money."

Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house -three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there. Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.  Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are 
circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself.  I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Nov 10 2009

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

--------------------------- 
Monday Nov 9 2009

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men ..."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" 

--------------------------- 
Saturday Nov 7 2009

25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP

        1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.
       2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
       3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
       4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
       5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
       6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
       7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
       8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
       9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
       10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
       11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
       12. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
       13. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
       14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
       15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
       17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
       18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
       19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
       20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
       21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
       22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink like that again"!
       23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
       24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
       25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you!

--------------------------- 
Friday Nov 6 2009

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. 

The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. 

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. 

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. 

They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out.  Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. 

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...

...including the curtain rods. 

--------------------------- 
Thursday Nov 5 2009

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions. "Sure," God says, "Go right ahead". "OK," the man says.

"Why did you make women so pretty?"

God says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

God says, "So they would love you!"

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Nov 4 2009

Things I have learned from a Hurricane:

* Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ.
* No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.
* Having power does not equal having electricity!
* My car gets 23.21675 miles per gallon, EXACTLY (you can ask the people in line who helped me push it).
* Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.
* Cats are even more irritating without power.
* He who has the biggest generator wins.
* Women can actually survive without doing their hair--you just wish they weren't around you.
* A new method of non-lethal torture--showers without hot water.
* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
* TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful. One day at a time, brother.
* A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6 bottles of Olands to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.
* There were a lot of damn trees around here.
* Contrary to most residents' beliefs, the speed limit on roads without traffic lights does not suddenly increase.
* Vinyl siding, while aesthetically pleasing, can sure fly a long way.
* There is nothing sweeter than the sound of a generator.
* People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.
* Some things DO keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.
* Telemarketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
* Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.
* 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!
* Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
* If my store sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators...I'd be rich.
* The price of a can of soup rises 200% in a storm.
* Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.
* Tree service companies are under appreciated.
* MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????
* Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.
* I can walk a lot farther than I thought.
* I wonder how many people paid their bills that NS Power sent out while most of us were still in the dark.
* And finally...you can manage without a lot of things, except for an extra large double double from Tim Hortons. (Amen!)*

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

23. Good judgment is most often learned by exercising bad judgment.

--------------------------- 
Monday Nov 2 2009

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.