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Wednesday May 27 2009

Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" 

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!" 

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" 

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" 

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" 

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" 

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." 

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to 80?"

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Tuesday May 26 2009

Men are like slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen."

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars."

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

"All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism."

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

"You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration."

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Monday May 25 2009  Memorial Day 2009

A Daughters Tribute to her POW Dad

In July 1951 we received a letter from my dad dated 2-12-51 saying he was a prisoner of the Red Chinese Army. My mother kept a scrapbook of letters, newspaper articles mentioning his name and correspondence from the Army.

While attending a family update in San Diego.... I was given paperwork with contradicting hearsay statements regarding his death. These statements led the Army to believe my father died by May 31, 1951.

Mary Castaldi

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In loving memory of 1st Lt. Bert W. Justus, Jr.
from his daughter, Mary

World War II called out to him
And that was all it took
But he was there when I was born
I saw my baby book.

When I was six he left again
He looked into my eyes
"I'll be back with hula skirts"
And then he said good-bye.

His uniform was crisp and green
He held me in his arms
I knew he wasn't coming back
No Dad, no skirts, no charms.

And though I was a little girl
I cried upon his shoulder
I knew deep down this was good bye
He wasn't getting older.

I felt so old, so wise that day
I still can feel the shame.
The family gathered round and played
I thought they were insane.

Twas Christmas day and he was gone
Korea was the name
Two months later MIA
No words can share the pain.

Fifty years have come and gone
Since we received the letter
He never came back home to us
It never does get better.

I need to tell the story
Because old men forget.
It's not just soldiers that we lose
their families are bereft

They hold a family update
To pacify our hurt
And then they send more babies
Out to die on foreign dirt.

It's not that I'm a pacifist
I'm not against all war
But I'm for talk and talk and talk
And then you talk some more.

The wars may be inevitable
And we will be prepared
But war should be the last resort
So little girls are spared.

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Friday May 22 2009

A father and son are having their final man to man before the wedding.
The son asks the father, " Just to be sure Dad, is there any way a woman can get pregnant from anal sex?"
The father astutely replies, "I thought the answer would be self evident son, where do you think lawyers come from?"

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Thursday May 21 2009

Can you cry under water? 

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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 

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What disease did cured ham actually have? 

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? 

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? 

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. 

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural 

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? 

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 

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Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 

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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? 

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above? 

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? 

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Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place? 

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Wednesday May 20 2009

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, 'I'm sorry but you only have 6 hours to live.'  So, the guy goes home and says to his wife, 'Honey, I only have 6 hours to live.' So, they go right to bed.  They have sex and an hour later he says, 'Can we do it again?'  His wife says, 'Well, okay.'  An hour later he says, 'Honey, can we do it again?' His wife says, 'Well, okay, maybe one more time.'  They do it and an hour later the guys says, 'Honey, can we do it again?'  The wife says, 'Absolutely not! I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

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Tuesday May 19 2009

"Dear Lord," the preacher began, with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." 

He would have continued, but at that moment one very observant little girl, listening carefully, leaned to her mother and asked quite audibly in her loud little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?" 

Church was pretty much over at that point... 

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Monday May 18 2009

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

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Friday May 15 2009

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. 

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up. And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

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Thursday May 14 2009

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a debate that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

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Wednesday May 13 2009

ADMIN REVIEW
 
Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.
 
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in  a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

 "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force.  What did they say if you came in late there?"

They said, "Good morning, General."

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Tuesday May 12 2009

-- A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.  "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.  "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.  "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

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Friday May 8 2009

Who to Marry

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which one to marry.  He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and  dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was quite impressed.

 The second women goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive new clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is much impressed.

 The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was very impressed.

 The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

 Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.

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Wednesday May 6 2009
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
  
All you have to do is be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father figure
6. a teacher
7. an educator
8. a cook
9. a gardener
 10. a carpenter
 11. a driver
 12. an engineer
 13. a mechanic
 14. an interior decorator
 15. a stylist
 16. a sex therapist
 17. a gynaecologist/obstetrician
 18. a psychologist
 19. a psychiatrist
 20. a therapist
 21. a good father
 22. a gentleman
 23. well organized
 24. tidy
 25. very clean
 26. athletic
 27. affectionate
 28. affable
 29. attentive
 30. ambitious
 31. amenable
 32. articulate
 33. bold
 34. brave
 35. creative
 36. courageous
 37. complimentary
 38. capable
 39. decisive
 40. intelligent
 41. imaginative
 42. interesting
 43. prudent
 44. patient
 45. polite
 46. passionate
 47. respectful
 48. sweet
 49. strong
 50. skillful
 51. supportive
 52. sympathetic
 53. tolerant
 54. understanding
 55. someone who loves shopping
 56. someone who doesn't make problems
 57. someone who never looks at other women
 58. very rich
 
AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST PAY ATTENTION TO MAKE SURE YOU: 
59. are neither jealous nor disinterested 
60. get on well with her family, but don't spend more time with them than with her 
61. give her space, but show interest and concern in where she goes 
  
ABOVE ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO: 
62. Not forget the dates of:
* anniversaries (wedding, engagement, first date...)
* graduation
* birthday
* menstruation 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
HOW HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Let him play with your boobs. 
--------------------------- 
Wednesday May 6 2009
These are the survey answers received from dogs when asked "How many dogs
does it take to put in a light bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's
busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.


Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate
was a light bulb?
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Tuesday May 5 2009
~~ A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD ~~

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality
comes from morons?

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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Monday May 4 2009
Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument
Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
You are just upset because you butt is beginning to spread.
Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
Whoa, time out. Football is on.
Looks like someone had a bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
Is there anyway we can do this via e-mail?
Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
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Saturday May 2 2009
Every man's dream come true........................

The other day I came home from work and was greeted by my wife dressed in a very sexy nightie, and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."


...


... 





... 





So, I tied her up and went hunting.
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Friday May 1 2009
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, it seems we have a problem. You see, we've never had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in" said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator opened at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now choose your eternity," he said. The woman replied: "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
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