|
|
|
|
A TRUE CANADIAN
The man sadly shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
---------------------------
Monday Mar 30 2009
Most....if not all of these are no doubt untrue....but they are amusing.
FBI TOP DEATHS OF THE YEAR
Every year the
FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including
Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit
puts out its Top Homicides of the year.
Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck
delivering her birthday cake.
Peter Stone,
42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to
her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't
have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets
into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and
promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the
judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison
her mother using the same
method one month later.
David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he
attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a
double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to
her an hour before the date started, just in case.
Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to
pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to
death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr
Halos paid his rent.
Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she
wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers
walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and
yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots
between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked
like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because
she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a
cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.
Helena
Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed
by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3
months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that
was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she
suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness,
extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never
attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading
her car with rintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was
driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as
powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons
some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever
found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.
Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early
hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F4
phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an
empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly
complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the
potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine
immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee
and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had
changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated
it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly,
and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother
Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their
parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of
smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck
back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas.
He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry
for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian". Conrad promptly lit a
cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.....
---------------------------
Friday Mar 27 2009
The Lord came to Noah, in Canada,
in the year 2009. The earth was wicked and over-populated. The Lord instructed
Noah to build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few
good humans. "Here's the blueprint", said the Lord. "Hurry....
in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later the rain started. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping
in his flooded yard.... and no ark. "Noah", He roared, "Where
is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "Things have changed. I needed
a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I have violated the neighbourhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being
exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then
Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted
for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in
order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that
I needed the wood to save the owls. No go!
I gathered the animals, but then I got sued by an animal rights group. They
insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they
argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in so confined a space.
Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades
union wants me to hire only Union trades-people with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Canada Revenue Agency seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered
species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish
this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder."You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?" he asked.
"No", said the Lord. "The Government beat me to it"
---------------------------
Thursday Mar 26 2009
A police officer, though scheduled
for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home
four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his
wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb
into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest,
would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me
some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived,
the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist,
"I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well what the heck are you
doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"
---------------------------
Wednesday Mar 25 2009
Jane and Arlene are outside their
nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls
out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously
embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years
of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"It doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel!"
---------------------------
Tuesday Mar 24 2009
Once upon a time there was a
female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She
looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. Is there anyone here?"
she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled:
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away: "Hello, we're down
here..."
---------------------------
Monday Mar 23 2009
Some time off...
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of
vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home
was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and
give me some time off.
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the
ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde..it'll be important
later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.
"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a
light bulb." A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was
doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My coworker started
following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
---------------------------
Friday Mar 20 2009
The world's shortest fairy tale.
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?
The girl said "" NO !! ""
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf
a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
---------------------------
Wednesday Mar 18 2009
There was an old priest who got
sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday,
from the pulpit, he said: "If I hear one more person confess to adultery,
I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who
had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest
died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited
the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The new priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about
having "fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest
about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an
accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing
about!! Your wife fell three times this week."
---------------------------
Tuesday Mar 17 2009
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well; a couple of the real
daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and
do.
I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk
---------------------------
Monday Mar 16 2009
How To Photograph A New Puppy...
Remove film from box and load camera
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
Choose a suitable background for photo
Mount camera on tripod and focus
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
Put magazines back on coffee table
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside!
No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up mess
Fix a drink
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and
"stay" the first thing in the morning.
---------------------------
Friday Mar 13 2009
15 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50
YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight savings time.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
13. Your friends love you anyway.
14. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built
the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
15. Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the
women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
---------------------------
Thursday Mar 12 2009
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second Marine said, "No, those are elk
tracks."
The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose
tracks."
The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?" "Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
---------------------------
Tuesday Mar 10 2009
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy".
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes, or four?"
---------------------------
Monday Mar 9 2009
Pregnancy class
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in
full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly,
along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this
stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time
to go walking with your partner!"
A man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
---------------------------
Thursday Mar 5 2009
A lawyer was in a sweat because he had an important meeting with the IRS and couldn't find a parking space.
Looking up
toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking
place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up
drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The lawyer looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
---------------------------
Tuesday Mar 3 2009
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They
were both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching for
some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted,
"Hey,
don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a
whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on.
My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
---------------------------
Monday Mar 2 2009
A recent survey was conducted to
discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night:
5% said it was to get a glass of water
12% said it was to go to the toilet
83% said it was to go home
