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Tuesday June 30 2009
Why Men Lie
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that
his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes
to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
again appeared.
The Lord asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You
would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'
to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes' you
would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not
able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to
Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
---------------------------
Monday June 29 2009
The
world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden
flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area
automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out
automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.
The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane
taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and
gentleman," a voice intoned as the airplane lifted off.
"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized
airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit
back and relax. Nothing can go wrong........nothing can go
wrong......nothing can go wrong......"
---------------------------
Friday June 26 2009
Two guys are moving about
in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, I was preoccupied, looking for
my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little
desperate."
"Well, maybe we can help each other search. What does your wife
look like?"
"She's tall, with long blonde hair, long legs, big boobs, and a
tight ass.
What does your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's just look for yours."
---------------------------
Thursday June 25 2009
A Guy Named Roger
The value of effective communication in a meaningful
relationship.......
A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks
her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one
of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs
to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers
him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our
relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of
commitment that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind
of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the
way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see ...
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car
at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I am
way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather
this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is
shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't
help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for
a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I
truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person
who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
their...
"Roger", Elaine says aloud.
"What?", says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her
eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have .. Oh
God, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine
sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's
silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct
answer.
"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time",
Elaine says.
(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing
him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger", she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his
place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately
becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of
his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the
car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever
understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about
it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this
subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
say: "Norm, you've known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever
own a horse?"
---------------------------
Wednesday June 24 2009
Men & women complement each other by the unique traits we were each given:
Women: Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love, and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, bikers, babes, & your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and to get their family the right health care.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family & their friends and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
Men: Men are good at lifting heavy sh*t and killing bugs.
---------------------------
Tuesday June 23 2009
What makes your state
so special?
I like the one for UTAH
ALABAMA ... Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.
*
ALASKA ... One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.
*
ARIZONA ... Is the only state in the continental US that doesn't follow
Daylight Savings Time.
*
ARKANSAS ... Has the only active diamond mine in the US
*
CALIFORNIA. Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would
rank seventh in the entire world.
*
COLORADO ... In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.
*
CONNECTICUT ... The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.
*
DELAWARE ... Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.
*
FLORIDA ... At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is the US's largest city.
*
GEORGIA ... It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made
the first vat of Coca-Cola.
*
HAWAII ... Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents
in any other state.
*
IDAHO ... TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.
*
ILLINOIS ... The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick's Day.
*
INDIANA ... Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which gets a half million
letters to Santa every year.
*
IOWA ... Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is
the only state that begins with two vowels.
*
KANSAS ... Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The
Wizard of Oz.
*
KENTUCKY ... Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.
*
LOUISIANA ... Has parishes instead of counties because they were
originally Spanish church units.
*
MAINE .. It's so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five
New England states combined.
*
MARYLAND ... The Oujia board was created in Baltimore in 1892.
*
MASSACHUSETTS ... The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.
*
MICHIGAN ... Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the
world.
*
MINNESOTA ... Bloomington's Mall of America is so big, if you spent
10 minutes in each store, you'd be there nearly four days.
*
MISSISSIPPI ... President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear
here...
that's how the teddy bear got its name.
*
MISSOURI ... Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.
*
MONTANA .. A sapphire from Montana is in the Crown Jewels of England.
*
NEBRASKA ... More triplets are born here than in any other state.
*
NEVADA ... Has more hotel rooms than any other place in the world.
*NEW HAMPSHIRE ... Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl
Tupper.
*
NEW JERSEY ... Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.
*
NEW MEXICO ... Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.
*
NEW YORK .. Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in
1747 in Montauk.
*
NORTH CAROLINA .. Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.
*
NORTH DAKOTA ... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of
North America.
*
OHIO ... The hot dog was invented here in 1900.
*
OKLAHOMA ... The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating
oil wells.
*
OREGON ... Has the most ghost towns in the country.
*
PENNSYLVANIA ... The smiley, :) was first used in 1980 by computer
scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.
*
RHODE ISLAND . The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened
here in 1673
*
SOUTH CAROLINA ... Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko
farm.
*
SOUTH DAKOTA .. Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.
*
TENNESSEE .. Nashville's Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live
radio show in the world.
*
TEXAS ... Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.
*
UTAH ... The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in
1952. (Humm.....and I
figured the first KFC was in Kentucky)
*
VERMONT ... Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's
VIRGINIA ... Home of the world's largest office building ... The
Pentagon.
*
WASHINGTON ... Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other
state.
*
WASHINGTON D.C. .. Was the first planned capital in the world.
*
WEST VIRGINIA .. Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers
Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.
*
WISCONSIN ... The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get
around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.
*
WYOMING ... Was the first state to allow women to vote.
---------------------------
Monday June 22 2009
Men
Die First for a Reason:
by Andy Rooney
Do you know how tough it is being a man...?
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should find
something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!
THEY WANT TO!!
---------------------------
Friday June 19 2009
Attempted Crime Spree
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington
USA appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack
of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, A gun shop
specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police
patrol car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before
work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up,
and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol. The officer
and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock
17, the clerk with a .50 cal Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers
who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired, The robber was
pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the
shop.
The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of
fire.
---------------------------
Thursday June 18 2009
There are only eleven times
in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use, as follows:
11. "What the
@#$% do you mean we're sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of the RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9.
"Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- George Armstrong Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." --
Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" --
Picasso, 1926
6. "How
the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on that @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4.
"Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....my ass!"
-- Noah, 6314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find
out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing
mad!"
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
---------------------------
Wednesday June 17 2009
Date Rape Drug Warning
Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these
"beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a
simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several
"beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often
men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible
headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.
Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings
in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females
have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a
punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more
susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward
this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know,
have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory
women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in
every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected,
like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow
Pages under "Golf Courses."
---------------------------
Tuesday June 16 2009
GUIDE TO TRANSLATING
"PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTS
Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.
Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.
Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.
Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.
Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.
Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.
Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.
Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.
Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.
---------------------------
Monday June 15 2009
Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?
When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
The cop
was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from Church?
Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming
ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to
be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he
was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man
he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi,
Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and
kids." "Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.
"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent
the rules a bit -just this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the
pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes
tonight. Know what I mean?"
"I
know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our
precinct." Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to
change tactics.
"What'd you clock me at?" "Seventy. Would you sit back in
your car please?"
"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was
barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every
ticket.
"Please, Jack, in the car."
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it
shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.
The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn't he
asked for a driver's license?
Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat
near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left.
There was Bob, a folded paper in hand Jack rolled down the window a mere
two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his
voice. Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his
retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was
this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke?
Certainly not a ticket.
Jack began to read: "Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it-a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left." Bob
Jack
turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road.
Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too,
pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a
surprised wife and kids when he arrived.
Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message; please
pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember,
cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.
Funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the sanctity of life, people think twice about sharing.
---------------------------
Friday June 12 2009
A Texan walks into a pub in
Canada and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I
hear you Canucks are a bunch of hard drinkers.
"I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink
10 pints of Guinness back-to back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even
leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps
the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the
Canadian.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.
Immediately the Newfoundlander tears into all 10 of the pint glasses,
drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The
Texan gives the Canadian the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Canadian replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first."
---------------------------
Thursday June 11 2009
Good Comebacks
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same
reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
---------------------------
Wednesday June 10 2009
In
pursuit of their Diversity Target a big corporation recently hired
several Amazonian cannibals.
"You are all part of our team now" said the Human Resources
Manager during the welcoming briefing. "You'll get all the
usual benefits, you can work flexi time, wear as little as you like,
retain your nose bones and piercings and use the cafeteria, but please
do not eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals duly promised that they would not.
Six weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working
extremely hard and I'm very satisfied with you. However, one of
our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened
to her ?"
The cannibals shook their heads and denied all knowledge.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals addressed the
others.
"OK, which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly, the leader of the cannibals stared at the
offender and shouted,
"You fool, for six weeks we've been eating managers and no one
noticed a thing! But you had to go and eat someone important
!"
---------------------------
Tuesday June 9 2009
A man is at work one day
when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows
his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about
his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
---------------------------
Monday June 8 2009
1. It's important to have a
woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has
a job.
2. It's important to have
a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have
a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have
a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
---------------------------
Saturday June 6 2009
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb??
Two if you can squeeze them in!!
---------------------------
Friday June 5 2009
Children write about the
Sea
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James, age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea
all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne , age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie, age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age
8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans. (William ,age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How
do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen, age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you
a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
My Mom has fishnets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin, age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in
the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend.
It was fun. (Lauren, age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen
inside. (Emma, age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of
sailors. (Valerie, age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
One holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her
fanny. (Julie, age 7)
---------------------------
Thursday June 4 2009
A farm boy accidentally overturns his truck. His neighbour, hearing the noise, yells: ‘Wills, come for a drink. I’ll help with the truck later.’
‘I don’t think my dad would like me to,’ Wills answers.
‘Come on,’ the farmer insists. ‘OK,’ the boy agrees, ‘but my dad won’t like it.’
I
After a few drinks and a hearty dinner, Wills thanks his host ‘I feel
much better now,’ he says, ‘but I know Dad will be really upset.’
‘I’ll talk to him,’ the farmer says. ‘Where is he?’ ‘Under
the truck.’
Pavarotti knocks on the
Pearly Gates.
St Peter opens them and says "Oh Luciano, it's you, Come on in -
squeeze through".
Pavarotti says "I have a letter from the Pope for you".
St Peter opens it up and reads it.
"Here's that tenor I owe you".
---------------------------
Tuesday June 2 2009
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of Acute Anal Glaucoma," she says in a very weak voice.
Her boss pauses & then asks, "What the hell is Acute Anal Glaucoma?"
"Well, I just can't see my ass coming into work today."
---------------------------
Monday June 1 2009
WOMAN'S PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who is handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
MAN'S PRAYER
I pray for a rich deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a boat.
