God says, "So they would love you!"

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Wednesday Dec 30  2009

Dear dogs and cats,

When I say "move," it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find this aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the objective. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue to sleep on the couch to insure your comfort. Look at videos of cats and dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My Compact Discs are not Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the door knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I've been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Cats and dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

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Tuesday Dec 29  2009

SYMPTOM:    Beer is crystal-clear.
  FAULT:      It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
  ACTION:     Punch him.

  SYMPTOM:    Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're
in.
  FAULT:      You've wandered into the wrong party.
  ACTION:     See if they have free beer.

  SYMPTOM:    Feet cold and wet.
  FAULT:      Glass being held at incorrect angle.
  ACTION:     Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

  SYMPTOM:    Feet warm and wet.
  FAULT:      Improper bladder control.
  ACTION:     Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

  SYMPTOM:    Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
  FAULT:      Glass empty.
  ACTION:     Get someone to buy you another beer.

  SYMPTOM:    Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
  FAULT:      You have fallen over backward.
  ACTION:     Have yourself chained to bar.

  SYMPTOM:    Mouth contains cigarette butts.
  FAULT:      You have fallen forward.
  ACTION:     See above.

  SYMPTOM:    Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
  FAULT:      Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
  ACTION:     Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

  SYMPTOM:    Floor blurred.
  FAULT:      You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
  ACTION:     Get someone to buy you another beer.

  SYMPTOM:    Floor moving.
  FAULT:      You are being carried out.
  ACTION:     Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

  SYMPTOM:    Room seems unusually dark.
  FAULT:      Bar has closed.
  ACTION:     Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

  SYMPTOM:    Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
  textures. FAULT:      Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
  ACTION:     Cover mouth.

  SYMPTOM:    Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
  FAULT:      You are dancing on the table.
  ACTION:     Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

  SYMPTOM:    Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
  FAULT:      You have been in a fight.
  ACTION:     Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

  SYMPTOM:    Your singing sounds distorted.
  FAULT:      The beer is too weak.
  ACTION:     Have more beer until your voice improves.

  SYMPTOM:    Don't remember the words to the song.
  FAULT:      Beer is just right.
  ACTION:     Play air guitar.

  SYMPTOM:    Ugly woman in your sights.
  FAULT:      Insufficient beer intake.
  ACTION:     Up the dosage.

  SYMPTOM:    Shins and toes hurt.
  FAULT:      You've been walking into things.
  ACTION:     Maintain dosage.

  SYMPTOM:    Bed is bumping around.
  FAULT:      Taking an ambulance ride.
  ACTION:     It's too late, you made an idiot of yourself.

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Monday Dec 28  2009

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
 - Mark Twain
 
 "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
 - Oscar Wilde
 
 "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
 - Oscar Wilde

--------------------------- 
Thursday Dec 24  2009

To track Santa on Christmas Eve with your kids...go to this website 
http://www.noradsanta.org/  this is the NORAD Santa tracking website with plenty of great videos of Santa doing his deliveries on Christmas eve.

--------------------------------------------

Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus
Editorial Page, New York Sun, 1897
We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O'Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus? Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!
***************************************
From The People's Almanac, pp. 1358-9.
Francis P. Church's editorial, "Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus" was an immediate sensation, and became one of the most famous editorials ever written. It first appeared in the The New York Sun in 1897, almost a hundred years ago, and was reprinted annually until 1949 when the paper went out of business.
Thirty-six years after her letter was printed, Virginia O'Hanlon recalled the events that prompted her letter:
"Quite naturally I believed in Santa Claus, for he had never disappointed me. But when less fortunate little boys and girls said there wasn't any Santa Claus, I was filled with doubts. I asked my father, and he was a little evasive on the subject.
"It was a habit in our family that whenever any doubts came up as to how to pronounce a word or some question of historical fact was in doubt, we wrote to the Question and Answer column in The Sun. Father would always say, 'If you see it in the The Sun, it's so,' and that settled the matter.
" 'Well, I'm just going to write The Sun and find out the real truth,' I said to father.
"He said, 'Go ahead, Virginia. I'm sure The Sun will give you the right answer, as it always does.' "
And so Virginia sat down and wrote her parents' favorite newspaper.
Her letter found its way into the hands of a veteran editor, Francis P. Church. Son of a Baptist minister, Church had covered the Civil War for The New York Times and had worked on the The New York Sun for 20 years, more recently as an anonymous editorial writer. Church, a sardonic man, had for his personal motto, "Endeavour to clear your mind of cant." When controversial subjects had to be tackled on the editorial page, especially those dealing with theology, the assignments were usually given to Church.
Now, he had in his hands a little girl's letter on a most controversial matter, and he was burdened with the responsibility of answering it.
"Is there a Santa Claus?" the childish scrawl in the letter asked. At once, Church knew that there was no avoiding the question. He must answer, and he must answer truthfully. And so he turned to his desk, and he began his reply which was to become one of the most memorable editorials in newspaper history.
Church married shortly after the editorial appeared. He died in April, 1906, leaving no children.
Virginia O'Hanlon went on to graduate from Hunter College with a Bachelor of Arts degree at age 21. The following year she received her Master's from Columbia, and in 1912 she began teaching in the New York City school system, later becoming a principal. After 47 years, she retired as an educator. Throughout her life she received a steady stream of mail about her Santa Claus letter, and to each reply she attached an attractive printed copy of the Church editorial. Virginia O'Hanlon Douglas died on May 13, 1971, at the age of 81, in a nursing home in Valatie, N.Y.

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Dec 23  2009

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS

 A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Dec 22  2009

The primary thing a helicopter tries to do is shake itself apart
Helicopters don't fly, they beat the air into submission

Definition: 
Crash (n.) - A landing in which the vertical velocity is so great, and the time spent reducing that velocity to zero is so short, that the resultant forces cause structural failure of the airframe.

--------------------------- 
Monday Dec 21  2009

Mary Clancy goes up to  Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.  He  says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"  She says, "Oh, Father,  I've terrible news.  My husband passed away last night."  The priest says, "Oh,  Mary, that is sad news indeed.  Tell me, Mary, did he have any last  requests?"  She says, "That he did,  Father.." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said,  'Please Mary, put down the gun...'

--------------------------- 
Friday Dec 18  2009

PET DIARIES UNCOVERED

As seen in a dog's diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Day 184 of captivity:
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while
they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I
once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair -- must try this
on their bed.

Day 185 of captivity:
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat
I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

Day 186 of captivity:
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell
the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY
power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage.

Day 187 of captivity:
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies! and maybe snitches. The
dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety
is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Dec 16  2009

Real 911 Calls, "BELIEVE" it or not!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Calle r: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from th! e bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Whatis the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, wher! e are you calling from?
Ca ller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. 
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Dec 15  2009

Bottle Of Perfume

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

--------------------------- 
Monday Dec 14  2009

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them....

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course sir, Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up" The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.

There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Why, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?

Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

--------------------------- 
Thursday Dec 11  2009

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet

--------------------------- 
Saturday Dec 5  2009

These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!! 

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot milk and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six." 

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." 

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me? 

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough." 

DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?" 

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that was hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" 

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" 

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?" 

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" 

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." 
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

--------------------------- 
Thursday Dec 3  2009

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

In modern education and expanded government, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

15. As a last resort, sell it on Ebay.

--------------------------- 
Wednesday Dec 2  2009

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write  "For sexual favors"

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are.  Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."

12 . Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and  play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you  can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17. When the money comes out the ATM,  scream "I won!, I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

--------------------------- 
Tuesday Dec 1  2009

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

 Customer "Ok."

 Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

 Customer: "No."

 Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

 Customer "No."

 Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

 Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."