Monday August 31 2009
Three Laws Of Infernal Dynamics -
Law One - Any object at rest is invariably in the wrong place.
Law Two - Any object in motion is invariably heading in the wrong direction.
Law Three - The amount of work required to amend either of these conditions is invariably more than you wish to exert.
Sunday August 30 2009
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain, so.....
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing it
or are still "with it."
OK, relax, clear your mind and .. begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the
next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even
overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate, such as Children's World." If you said
"water," proceed to question 3
3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from
blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "Green bricks,"
what the devil are you still doing reading these questions????? If you
said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If
you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines
failed. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also
failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third
engine fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the
plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? . . . in
East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,
you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a
plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't
bury the survivors," proceed to question 5.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how
many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree! If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than
"one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you
are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the
Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,
six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two
people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16
people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at
Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your "friends" and hope they do better then
Friday August 28 2009
well to do" man from Lake Charles, La. decided to throw a huge
party for all of his neighbors.
Amongst the crowd was only one true cajun, named Boudreaux.
After a few drinks, the host said to the crowd "There is a 12' alligator in my pool, and I'll give 1 million dollars to whoever jumps in".
Just as he finished his sentence, he heard a splash. There was Boudreaux, fighting tooth and nail with the gator. After about 10 minutes, the gator floated up, dead, and Boudreaux got out of the pool.
"I guess I owe you 1 million bucks", he said. "No thanks", said Boudreaux.
The host insisted. "I have to give you something. How 'bout a corvette, a Rolex, whatever you want"
Boudreaux replied "Give me the name of the S.O.B. who pushed me into the pool!"
Thursday August 27 2009
SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You take naps from noon to 6 PM!
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm
never going to drink that much again."
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
Tuesday August 25 2009
women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on
how they had died.
First woman-- "I froze to death.
Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"
First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"
Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."
First woman -- "So what happened?"
Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."
Monday August 24 2009
In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the U.S. were asked to identify women's ultimate fantasy and 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that, in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
Friday August 21 2009
To Impress A Woman:
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
How to impress a man:
* Show up naked ... Bring chicken wings . Don't block the TV
Wednesday August 19 2009
A young lawyer is approached by Satan.........
"If you will sign over your life and your soul to me and those of your wife and three children, I will make you a full partner in that law firm you work in."
The young lawyer, scratching his chin, ponders for a few minutes and replies...
"Well, OK, but what's the catch?"---------------------------
said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo
of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc." Said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife
Monday August 17 2009
This new scam is being
pulled mainly on older men who are apparently past the age of giving a
running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for
a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely tanned,
unbelievably well enhanced young woman comes up.
With body stretched to its full potential, she pretends to wash your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car.
They are very good at this.
They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday---I couldn't find them on Sunday.
Saturday August 15 2009
It can buy a house
......... But not a Home
It can buy a bed
......... But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
.......... But not Time
It can buy you a Book
......... But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
......... But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
.......... But not Health
It can buy you Blood
.......... But not Life
It can buy you Sex
.......... But not Love
So you see my friend, money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this
because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your
pain and suffering.............
So please send me all your money............ and I will suffer for you.
CASH ONLY PLEASE
(Thought this was gonna' be on of those "inspirational" ones didn't you ??)
Signed Dan's Mon-Key
Friday August 14 2009
Today is National Mental
You can do your bit by remembering to mention this to at least one unstable person.
Well, my job's done!
Thursday August 13 2009
Advice from Men to women
To my female friends, this advice might be an ''EYE OPENER,'' but I make no
promises and no apologies...
1. Never buy a ''new'' brand of beer just because ''it was on sale.''
2. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
3. Please don't drive when you're not driving. When I am turning the wheel and the car
is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying "This is our exit" is not strictly necessary.
4. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your little stories are related to
one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
5. When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' will do.
6. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately
cooler than you want it.
7. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
8. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
9.You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
10. Silence does not need to be filled.
11. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together.
12. No, you can't have the remote control!
Wednesday August 12 2009
CEO ... Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO ... Corporate Fraud Officer.
MBA ... Master of Bogus Accounting.
BULL MARKET ... A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET ... An extended period when kids get no allowance, the wife
gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING ... The art of buying low, and selling lower.
P/E RATIO ... The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market goes lower.
BROKER ... What my broker has made me.
STANDARD &POOR ... My life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST ... Idiot who just downgraded my stock.
STOCK SPLIT ... When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets between
FINANCIAL PLANNER ... A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION ... The day after I buy stocks.
FLOW ... The movement my money makes as it disappears down the
YAHOO ... What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker.
WINDOWS ... What you jump out of when you are the poor sucker above.
INVESTOR ... Last year's investor who is now locked up in a
PROFIT ... an archaic word, no longer in use.
401K ... now known as only a 201k
Tuesday August 11 2009
hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he
had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose
an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck
refused to start.
I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me
in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly
at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face
was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave
his wife a kiss.
he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got
the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled," when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
Monday August 10 2009
Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.
Raccoons will test your melon crop and let you know when they are ripe.
If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!
Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.
There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.
A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25, then it stops totally until October 2.
Onced and twiced are words.
Coldbeer is one word.
People actually grow and eat okra.
Green grass DOES burn.
When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.
The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.
When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor.
Fix-in-to is one word
A TANK is a dirt hole that holds water for irrigation, watering the cows, or swimming
There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there's supper.
"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it drinking it when you are two.
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "did you eat?"
You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You Know you are from Texas if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch for "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
4. You see a car with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store. (note: in the portion above "fix-in-to" is one word....)
6 All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable or an insect.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables for your own car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
l0. You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Catsup, and Tabasco.
11. You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.
12. You think sexy underwear is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
13. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires six pages to cover Friday night high school football.
14. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
15. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
16. You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm
17. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.
18. You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.
19. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world."
20. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
21. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop.... It's a Coke regardless of brand of flavor.
22. You understand these jokes. If you do, forward them to your friends from Texas (or others so they'll understand Texans).
Sunday August 9 2009
He makes his lunch, hooks up
his boat and off he goes...all day long. Well, one Saturday
morning he gets up really early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made,
puts on his long johns, grabs his tackle and goes to the garage to hook
up his boat to the truck. Down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage,
quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
Then he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that sh*t?"
Friday August 7 2009
Sam and Becky are
celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky,
"Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky
replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't
want to ask that question..." "Yes, Becky, I really want to
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
Thursday August 6 2009
couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Wednesday August 5 2009
A bus carrying only ugly
people crashes into an oncoming truck, everyone inside dies and they are
raised to heaven to meet their maker. Due to the grief they have
experienced, God decides to grant them each one wish before they enter
Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what
the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and God snaps His
fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says
"I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and
the wish is granted. This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway
down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are
only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".
SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE', CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED !!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday August 4 2009
NO NEWS STORY CAN EVER TOP
By Elroy Willis
ARKANSAS CITY (EAP) -- A Little Rock woman was killed yesterday after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as a "mistaken rapture" by dozens of eye-witnesses. Thirteen other people were injured after a twenty-car pile-up resulted from people trying to avoid hitting the woman, who was apparently convinced the rapture was occurring when she saw twelve people floating up into the air, and then passed a man on the side of the road who she believed was Jesus.
"She started screaming `He's back! He's back!' and climbed out through the sunroof and jumped off the roof of the car," said Everet Williams, husband of 28-year-old Georgeann Williams who was pronounced dead at the scene. "I was slowing down but she wouldn't wait till I stopped," Williams said. She thought the rapture was happening and was convinced that Jesus was gonna lift her up into the sky," he went on to say.
"This is the strangest thing I've seen since I've been on the force," said Paul Madison, first officer on the scene. Madison questioned the man who looked like Jesus and
discovered that he was on his way to a toga costume party, when the tarp covering the bed of his pickup truck came loose and released twelve blow-up sex dolls filled with
helium, which then floated up into the sky.
Ernie Jenkins, 32, of Fort Smith, who's been told by several of his friends that he looks like Jesus, pulled over and lifted his arms into the air in frustration and said "Come back," just as the Williams' car passed him, and Mrs. Williams was sure that it was Jesus lifting people up into heaven as they drove by him. "I think my wife loved Jesus more than she loved me," the widower said when asked why his
wife would do such a thing.
When asked for comments about the twelve sex dolls, Jenkins replied, "This is all just too weird for me. I never expected anything like this to happen."