Tuesday  Sept 30 2008

Keywords and their meanings:

"Fine":
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.  NEVER ever use "fine" to describe how woman looks.  This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes":
This is actually half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"Nothing":
This means something and you should be on your toes.  "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.  "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". 

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare.  One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine." 

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care".  You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

A "Loud Sigh":
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

"Soft Sighs":
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand.  She is content.  Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. 

"Oh":
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that".  Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night."  If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit.  She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.  Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.  Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them. 

"That's Okay":
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say.  "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.  "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"Please Do":
This is not a statement, it is an offer.  A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.  You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". 

"Thanks":
A woman is thanking you.  Do not faint; just say you're welcome. 

"Thanks a lot":
This is much different from "Thanks."  A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you.  It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh".  Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing."

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

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Monday  Sept 29 2008

Bob went on a vacation and left his cat with his good friend Tom. After a few days Bob called to see how his cat was. Tom tells him that the cat has died.  "What?" Bob cries, "Hey Tom, don't just spring that type of thing on someone! I could have had a heart attack. You need to ease into things like that. You should have told me the cat was on the roof. Then the next time I called you should say, he was feeling poorly so you took him to the vet.  Then the next time I called you would say, I'm sorry but he died peacefully in his sleep."  "Oh I understand," Tom says.  "Good. By the way, how was my mom doing when you last checked on her?" Bob asks.  
"Oh, she was on the roof."

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Sunday  Sept 28 2008

Strange news Story....
Man calls lost mobile and dog's stomach rings . 

A Kenyan man who lost his mobile called the number from his landline and his dog's stomach started ringing.  Kamal Shah from Mombassa said his German Shepherd Snoopy swallowed the phone.  Snoopy had an operation to remove it.  Both mobile and dog are reported to be fine.  The dog owner said he left his phone on a bedside table and assumed his son had taken it. He said he didn't expect the mobile to start ringing inside his dog.

He said: "It sent me into shock."

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Saturday  Sept 27 2008

Actual Signs

1) In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

2) On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

3) Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

4) In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."

5) On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

6) On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

7) At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

8) On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

9) On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

10) On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

11) At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

12) Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

13) In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

14) On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

15) In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!  Stay!" 

16) At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be..."

17) In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

18) On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

19) In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

20) Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

21)"Shoes are required to eat in the Cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. 

22)"A smile is a light in the window of your face that tells people you're at home."

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Friday  Sept 26 2008

Your Quick Inspiration For The Day: Be Happy Today!

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are.

After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. 
We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation,or when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now.
If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.
Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting

--until your car or home is paid off
--until you get a new car or home
--until your kids leave the house
--until you go back to school
--until you lose ten pounds
--until you gain ten pounds
--until you finish school
--until you get a divorce
--until you get married
--until you have kids
--until you retire
--until summer
--until spring
--until winter
--until fall
--until you die

There is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

So -- work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching.

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Thursday  Sept 25 2008

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.  "I used some horrible language this week and  feel absolutely terrible about it."  "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.  "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight  down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."  "Is  that when you swore?"  "No, Mother," says the nun.  "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."  "Is THAT when you swore?"  asks the Mother Superior again.  "Well, no." says the nun.  "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"  "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.  "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."  "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother  Superior, becoming impatient.  "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."  The two nuns were silent for a moment.  Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?  

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Tuesday  Sept 23 2008

GAMES TO PLAY WHEN WE'RE OLDER:

1.  Sag, You're it
2.  Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3.  20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4.  Kick the bucket
5.  Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6.  Simon says something incoherent.
7.  Hide and go pee.
8.  Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
9.  Musical recliners.


Chapter 2:  Signs of Menopause
1.  You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2.  Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter.
Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.

3.  You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

4.  The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate cult barely gives you four hours of decent rest.

5.  You change your underwear after every sneeze.

6.  You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.


Chapter 3:  Signs of Wear and Tear

OLD" IS WHEN.....  Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

OLD" IS WHEN.....  Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber that day.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

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Monday  Sept 22 2008

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."
"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

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Sunday  Sept 21 2008

1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n  puttin' it back in.

4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.  Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

9. Don't squat with your spurs on.

10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There are three kinds of people:  The ones that learn by reading, The few who learn by observation, and Those who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really  hot.

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Saturday  Sept 20 2008

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments. 

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Friday  Sept 19 2008

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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Thursday  Sept 18 2008

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. 

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. 

So I decided I needed a passionate woman with a zest for life.  I dated a passionate woman, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen cried all the time and threatened suicide. 

So I decided I needed a woman with stability. I found a very stable woman but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a woman with some excitement. 

I found an exciting woman, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted 
with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. 

So I decided to find a woman with some ambition. I found a smart ambitious woman with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. 
 
I am now looking for a woman with very big t*ts..........

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Wednesday  Sept 17 2008

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears
a.......
 
     BUMP...
                   .
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                     BUMP...
                            .
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                             BUMP... behind him....
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                                                                .
 
  Walking faster, he looks back, and makes out the image of upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.....
                           .
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                               ... BUMP...
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                                                   ...BUMP...
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                                                                     .

 Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
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                             faster...
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                                     BUMP...
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                                                    BUMP....
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                                                              .
 
BUMP.....
 
.
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.
 
.
 
.
 
.
    He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him....
                             .
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  However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
                                 .
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                    ...clappity-BUMP...
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                         clappity-BUMP...
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                              clappity-BUMP...
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                                      clappity-BUMP...
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                                                      .
  on the heels of the terrified man....
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  Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.  His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.....
                             .
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  With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him......
                                 .
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  The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!.....
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  In desperation, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin...
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                                       .......the coffin stops.
---------------------------- 

Tuesday  Sept 16 2008

Airplanes vs Women

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing.

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Monday  Sept 15 2008

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments. 

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Sunday  Sept 14 2008

The Professor's Needs

 A female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels  at his feet, pleading...  "I would do anything to pass the exam".  She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing  meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean...,  I would do.... anything!!!".   He returns her gaze. "Anything???"   "Oh yes" she said, "anything!"  He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?"

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Saturday  Sept 13 2008

Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.  The first Marine said, "Those are deer tracks.  " The second Marine said, "No, those are elk tracks."  The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."  The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.  

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Friday  Sept 12 2008

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.  Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency.  As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. "Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.  "That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to a certain death,
but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife.  They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun.  The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.  When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the
murder of subject "B."

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant.  They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded.  The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun.  He had no intention to murder her.  Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.  It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.  Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.  The case now becomes one
of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist.  Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.  He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.  This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.  The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.  

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Thursday  Sept 11 2008

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.  "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.  "That little twit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,he must have had something in his hand."  "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'he gave me with it."  "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"  "That I did," said Paddy.?   "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."      

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Wednesday  Sept 10 2008

Lets see if I understand how North America works lately.  If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen age son kills himself, you blame the rock'n roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke 3 packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.  So if I die while my old wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK.

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Monday  Sept 8 2008

-- A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of  my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

  One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.  Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

  The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit upon a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.  "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.  When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks."  The businessman said, "Ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.

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Sunday  Sept 7 2008

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.  In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter.  The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five  times."

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Saturday  Sept 6 2008

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog,  flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.  The hotshot said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."  The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot."  The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotshot asked, "So? What did you do?" 

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

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Friday  Sept 5 2008

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that sh*t on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"  The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

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Thursday  Sept 4 2008

Husband's Checkup

After her husband's checkup, a woman was called into the doctor's office.  The doctor told her, "Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you'll have to do for him, or he will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and an especially nice meal for his dinner at  night. Don't give him chores, or that will  increase his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him either.

Try to relax him in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him backrubs. Let him watch his favorite sports on TV. And most importantly, make love to him several
times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you do these things for the next 10 months to a year, I think he'll pull through." 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

You're going to die." she replied

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Wednesday  Sept 3 2008

- Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

- Toy Test

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

- Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

- Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

- Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.  Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

- Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

- Ingenuity Test

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

- Automobile Test

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along
both side of the car. There, perfect!

- Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

- Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

- Final Assignment

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers

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Tuesday  Sept 2 2008

Please be aware also that Beer delivers vital nutrients without which the body cannot survive.

Vitamin B from Barley
Vitamin C from Carbonation
Vitamin A from Alcohol
Vitamin H from Hops

Brewing water into beer also produces the only safe and effective prevention against Typhus, Cholera, Ricketts, Palno-Harfens Syndrome and Andalusian Whooping Phlegm.

Why do you think that the Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower put to port in Plymouth, Massachusetts, instead of finishing their planned journey to Jamestown, Virginia? Simple. They ran out of Beer. Check your history, it's
true.

Doctors say that a Beer a day can help reduce arterial plaque, lower blood pressure and help reduce cholesterol. I firmly believe this and have taken action accordingly. I am currently medicated through the end of the 24th Century.

Beer is, in fact, a Major Food Group unto itself.

Now, on the subject of Exercise, remember these simple examples of what you should and should not do when exercising.

DO: Pace yourself. Don't over-exert, especially when beginning an exercise program.

DO: Work into exercise GRADUALLY. Say, over 80 or 90 years. Start by watching exercise videos, then build up to humming along with the background music. Drooling at women in Spandex also burns calories and improves cardio-vascular fitness.

DO: Maintain a safe, injury-free exercise area. Protective padding to prevent falls is recommended. Cushioned surfaces to reduce impact injuries are preferred. Proper body position is critical to healthy and effective exercise. A LazyBoy or BarcaLounger provides all these safety features in one, compact unit.

DO: Use a well-rounded workout program. Running, Jogging and Jumping all provide similar and yet varied exercise to critical muscle groups, so use them in a balanced exercise regimen. I find that Running my mouth, Jogging my memory and Jumping to the occasional conclusion form the backbone of my fitness workout.

DO: Involve the family. Exercise is a social activity, as well as a physical activity. Have your children, your wife, your girlfriend or others exercise while you supervise. Remember, you know more about safety and fitness than they do, so share that knowledge with the ones you love. Be sure to use the safety equipment provided on the LazyBoy to protect yourself while they exercise.

DON'T: Be fooled by the recent craze of so-called "Aerobic" exercises. Aerobic is actually a form of Bacteria, and we all know what THEY do. The act of intentionally making yourself breathe hard while there are Bacteria around will only cut short your precious life. Avoid it. Besides, all that air friction in the lungs will wear them out prematurely.

DON'T: Think that an elevated Heart Rate during exercise (the alleged Training Heart Rate scam) is a good thing either. Just as an engine is stressed to the point of failure by over-revving, the heart can be also.  Keep your heart rate down and at a safe pace. Watch only one or two videos at a time, as watching women in Spandex can cause excessive elevation of your heart rate.

DON'T: Buy, rent or use sophisticated exercise equipment or apparatus. Remember, more people are killed by machines than machines are killed by people. Besides, the only weight you will lose is from your wallet. If you want to lift weight, get your fat arse out of the LazyBoy and go get a beer.


DO: Remember that the objective of any exercise program is to finish with a Heart Rate greater than Zero.

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