Jokes for Oct 2008

Aircraft Resource Center

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Friday Oct 31 2008

RULES FOR A SAFE AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's not just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Silver Lake, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any and all small towns in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had a full tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion.

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Thursday Oct 30 2008

1.      WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2.      WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".

3.      WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4.      THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5.      DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

6.      ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7.      NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllloooooooooo !)

8.      THE GRAND FINALE - This is a true story!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE.....

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

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Wednesday Oct 29 2008

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

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Tuesday Oct 28 2008

Gems of Wisdom

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just piss off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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Monday Oct 27 2008

-- WINTER IN CANADA - -

Dear Diary,

AUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

OCT. 14 Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.

NOV. 11 Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here.

DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada.

DEC. 12 More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Frigging snow plough.

DEC. 22 More of that white stuff fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Nasty fellow.

DEC. 25 Merry frigging Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-gun who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the nasty fellow. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the frigging ice.

DEC. 27 More white stuff last night. Been inside for 3 days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white stuff and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the stuff again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?

DEC. 28 That frigging weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of the white stuff this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got suck up in the road and that nasty fellow came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken 6 shovels shoveling out all the white stuff he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last
one over his frigging head.

JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those frigging beasts should be killed. The beasts are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that frigging salt they put all over the roads.

MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a snowbound forsaken place as Canada.

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Sunday Oct 26 2008

Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.

Love everybody.
Love every body.

Save water.
Shower with your friend. ( preferably a girl )

Love thy neighbor.
But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a women.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

A successful man is one who can earn more than his wife spend.
A Successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Wise never marry...
and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow.
What you can put off today.

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Thursday Oct 23 2008

An engineer dies and and finds himself in front of St. Peter. For one reason or another that's an hectic time up there, and St. Peter just flips tiredly through his file, "O.K., you an engineer, uh? That's the way downstairs. Who's next?". So the engineer gets downstairs, and it turns out the place is nasty and stinky, and one has to climb rocks all he time. Well, hell is supposed to be a sh*tty place. After one week, he grows tired of it , goes to the demon in charge of the district and tells him : " well, I'm fed up with this horrible place, I can make it better, just find me a few men to help me." The demon agrees, for he has been in there for an even longer time, and a few weeks after, the engineer and his men have built mechanical stairs to climb the rocks, and flushing toilets, and installed air conditioning, turning this part of hell into a rather pleasant place indeed. One day, God himself comes to inspect the place, is quite surprised and asks: "well, what happened there?" -"well, we've got this engineer St. Peter sent and he..." -"How comes an engineer is here. If he's an engineer, he should be in Heaven. Send him up there at once!" - "No, never! We are so delighted with all he made for us!" - "If you don't send him to Heaven, I'll sack you, I'll take you to court..." - ha ha ha... Where do you think you'll find a lawyer?"

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Wednesday Oct 22 2008

Top 10 things not to say during SEX...

10. Hey, did I mention the video camera?

9. Don't worry, everybody looks funny naked.

8. Can you pass me the remote control?

7. I hope you're as good looking when I'm sober.

6. Do you accept VISA?

5. Smile! You're on Candid Camera!

4. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

3. And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend.

2. Oh hell baby, a little rug burn never hurt anybody.

And the number 1 thing not to say during sex:

1. No really, I do this part better myself

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Tuesday Oct 21 2008

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three=A0 seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

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Monday Oct 20 2008

According to 44-year-old Karen Kershaw of Akron, the price of a used truck is $600 cash plus two sexual favors and four cartons of cigarettes (yes, cigarettes). These were the amounts to be paid to Rick Remmy, 39, only in the end she didn´t get the truck. Now they´re in Small Claims Court, where Karen wants her money back.

A handwritten agreement outlined the values to be assigned to each item or act and bore what appeared to be Remmy's name at the bottom. Kershaw is asking for her money back and $14,700 in punitive damages because of the embarrassment she has suffered in having to file the lawsuit. A Municipal Judge is expected to rule in the next week whether the contract is legitimate and whether Kershaw should be tried for prostitution.

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Sunday Oct 19 2008

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills and the son said, "I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill" answered the son.

"I don't care" said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.

He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

" I know" said Grandpa, "the extra hundred is from Grandma."

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Saturday Oct 18 2008

My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several

hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced.

Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny

bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.

He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn't ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation.

They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

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Friday Oct 17 2008

LIL' old lady standing trial...for an understandable crime

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"

And then I shot'im!

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Thursday Oct 16 2008

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney.

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Wednesday Oct 15 2008

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"

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Tuesday Oct 14 2008

None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,

but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship..
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off and then laugh my butt off!!

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask --
because you are my FRIEND

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Sunday Oct 12 2008

An Interesting Golf Game

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them accidentally slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony, both hands to his crotch.

She runs down to him, apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No, thanks. Just give me a few minutes. I'll be fine," he replies quietly, hands still between his legs.

Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently unzips his fly and starts massaging his genitals. "Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well, yes. That's feels great," he admits, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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Saturday Oct 11 2008

Q & A's from Health Canada

Q: The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town, and I kissed it.
Do I have to worry about being infected by listeria?

A: You are safe. The Stanley Cup has not been in contact with any Maple Leaf product in over 40 years.

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Friday Oct 10 2008

Before it starts....

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in
front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer,it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight!? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV!? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob! And furthermore..." The man looks up at her and says, "It's started..."

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Thursday Oct 9 2008

IDIOTS IN SERVICE

This week, all our phones went dead and I had to call the phone repair people. They promised to be out between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, he asked and I quote, "Would you like us to call before we come?" He also requested that we report future outages by email.
Does YOUR email work without a telephone line??????

IDIOTS AT WORK

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were hit by car sand he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOTS AT THE AIRPORT

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

IDIOTS ON THE ROAD

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explain that it signals blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOTS IN MANAGEMENT

At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "down sizing" our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

IDIOTS WITH COMPUTERS

I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her, could not understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOTS IN GENERAL

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open." The young man answered, "I already got that side."

There, now don't you feel better?

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Wednesday Oct 8 2008

Parent's Dictionary

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house...

WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

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Tuesday Oct 7 2008

FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand...you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
12. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
25. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.
26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
30. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

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Monday Oct 6 2008

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"

"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee. Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not" answers the young man. "You are a consultant," says the shepherd.

"This is correct," says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?" "Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

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Sunday Oct 5 2008

Three men stood in front of a firing line. The sergant began, "Ready, aim.."
Just then the first man yelled, "Tornado!!!" Everyone ran to hide and he got away.

Only two left, so they begin again. "Ready, aim..." The second man broke in with, "Hurricane!!!" Everyone ran for cover and he got away.

Down to one. Again the sergant starts, "Ready, aim..." The man thinks quick and says, "Fire!!!"

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Saturday Oct 4 2008

Some Thoughts to start your Monday.......

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

A government worker is like a shotgun with a broken firing pin -- It won't work and you can't fire it.

I'm so depressed... I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

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Friday Oct 3 2008

Did you ever have one of these days?

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

*************** Oh my!

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Thursday Oct 2 2008

A police officer pulled over a car to give the driver some good news - because he'd been wearing his seat belt, the driver had won $5,000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" asked the officer. The man replied, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him, he's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up a man sleeping in the back seat, who saw the police officer and blurted out "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car!" At that moment there was a knock from the trunk, and a muffled voice asked "Are we over the border yet?"

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Wednesday Oct 1 2008

WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED . . .
A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.
5% said it was to get a glass of water.
12% said it was to go to the toilet.
83% said it was to go home.

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