Friday Nov 28 2008
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing ... You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to."
Thursday Nov 27 2008
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She said, "I want a divorce." He replied in shock, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Wednesday Nov 26 2008
This is without a doubt my favourite funny story. SB
Let's say a guy named
Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie:
she accepts: they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he
asks her out to dinner, and again, they enjoy themselves. They continue to
see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing
And then, one
evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without
really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of
tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is
silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking; Gosh, six months.
And Elaine is thinking: but hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward.... I mean, where are we
going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking; So, that means it was....let's see.. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means.. let me check the odometer..Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own
feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is
shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is
thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty..scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is
thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, here eyes beginning to brim with tears, "Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so.. (she breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that.. it's that I.. I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.
"YES" HE SAYS.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh", says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks. "Thank you Roger," she says.
"Thank you" says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turn on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand that, and so, he figures it's better if he doesn't
think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
Monday Nov 24 2008
Ten Things You Should Never
Say To a Woman During an Argument
1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.
Friday Nov 21 2008
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Thursday Nov 20 2008
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were marooned on a desert island for a very long time, and became good friends despite the hardships of everyday life. After many years, one day the girls found a magic lamp. They rubbed the lamp and sure enough, a genie popped out. He said "Since I can only grant 3 wishes altogether, I'll give each of you one wish." The brunette went first, and said "I've been stuck here for years and I miss my family. I wish I was back home." Poof! The brunette disappeared. Next the redhead made her wish, "I wish I was home, too!" Poof! The redhead disappeared. The blonde began crying, and the genie said to her "What's wrong? You can make your wish now." The blonde sniffed and wiped her eyes. "I'm all alone now. I wish my friends were here."
Wednesday Nov 19 2008
Interesting Medical Trivia
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
Tuesday Nov 18 2008
If you need the
perfect description for someone you just met - we'll peruse
this list and see if you can find it!
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, the light bends around him.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat 1 000 000 other sperm.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him a hour-and-a-half to watch "60 Minutes".
One burger short of a happy meal.
One sandwich short of a picnic.
Monday Nov 17 2008
Airman Jones was assigned to
the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their
government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
Friday Nov 14 2008
War Movie Cliches
very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a
picture of your sweetheart back home.
Every army platoon has at least one, usually black, member who can play the harmonica.
All G.I.s know how to make a still out of a jeep radiator.
If a soldier tries to look up an old buddy who was transferred to different unit, the buddy will be dead, or will die shortly there after.
If a main character dies, his sweetheart back home will have nightmare at that exact same moment
New replacements always get killed before you can even learn their names.
The hero's weapon is always different from everyone elses.
Every unit has a "Scrounge" who can get you anything from an atomic bomb to a date with the general's daughter for a bottle of cheap scotch, or vice-versa.
The platoon sargeant never has a grenade on him, so he Always asks someone else for the grenade, then pulls the pin out with his teeth. (which will usually cause you to lose teeth before extracting the pin!)
Everyone who joins an Airborne (parachute) outfit doesn't understand why anyone would jump out of perfectly good airplane.
Elite units (Special Forces, Rangers, Commandos) are always recruited from convicts and other socially degenerate segments of society.
Elite units are always considered expendable even though they cost much much more to train and maintain.
Roger, wilco -- over and out. nuff said. Radio transmission are always improper.
The German Army always uses U. S. Patton Tanks.
Cannons, howitzers, and main tank guns NEVER recoil, unless its old documentary footage.
The battle hardened vet will always fall on a grenade for the new guy, rather than picking up the grenade and throwing it away, or jumping out of the fox hole.
Fox holes never have overhead protection, or grenade pits.
Only the "Japs" and the "VC" bother to use booby traps.
German soldier always wear grey uniforms and jack-boots, though these uniforms were pretty much pahsed out by mid 1943.
SS soldiers always wear there dress black uniform.
The British Army is only allowed to fight in North Africa, and even then only elite forces other than the LRDG and SAS are allowed to fight.
Only the Marines fought the war in the Pacific. No Army personnel were involved.
The military hero always carries a special knife with an 11 inch + blade and a hollow handle with all sorts of gadgets. (most soldiers stick with the standard bayonet [6 in blade], Marine Corps Fighting knife[7 in blade], or airforce[5 1/2 in blade] survival knife.
None have hollow handles because hollow handles break too easily)
Snipers always know exactly where someone will pop there Head out of trench and soldiers in trenches never use mirrors or periscopes, like they did in World War One.
Any kid, or dog for that matter can wonder around through an artillery barrage and not get killed while half the outfit will always get wiped out.
No one will shoot the hero and the battle will even come to a stand still while the hero cries in agony and curse that "it should've been him" when his best friend steps on the land mine/get blown up/ dies charging the machine gun nest. The battle will resume as soon as the hero gets over his grief and gets angry. The hero will be victorious within 45 seconds of becoming angry.
Any machine gun nest can be approached from behind without dificulty, but not until half the unit has been wiped out.
Soldiers will ask for keys for military vehicles even though these vehicles dont use keys.
If soldiers start to eat/drink/change socks/go to the bathroom, they will get orders to move out immediately.
Soldiers will always make a comment about the food, usually something along the line of "I stepped in it but I've never ate it" or "if we feed this to the "krauts" we'd win the war tomorrow."
Soldiers and sailors must have at least on bar room brawl usually followed by a scene where they come to each others mutual aid the next day.
There has to be a scene involving giving chocolate to children or nylons/cigarettes to women in a WW II movie. The soldiers never try to take advantage of the situation by asking for sexual favors in return.
There is also an obligatory scene where a soldier reads a travel brochure about beautiful Italy/Germany/France/Guam/ while the camera pans across the blown up country side.
If the travel guide scene is omitted, you'll be treated with the scene where a soldier comments about how nice everything looks, too bad there's a war going on, he's going to come back when this is all over.
He'll be shot by a sniper shortly after this scene.
Major characters never run out of ammunition, nor do they ever have to reload. (If the movie does make them reload, they never have to actually carry any spare ammo until that scene)
Guns never run out of ammunition unless escape would be otherwise impossible. The first shot or burst of fire from a bad guy always misses, and is there just to announce that a fight will be taking place.
Bad-guy hand grenades make noise and smoke, but no real damage; good-guy hand grenades are devastating but selective; they will destroy tanks, but won't hurt the thrower, even if he drops one on his toe.
Bad-guy grenades used by good guys become good-guy grenades, and vice versa.
When the villain runs out of bullets, he'll throw away his gun. When the hero does so, he'll conveniently come across another.
Machine guns submerged underwater for a long time won't jam or misfire when the hero pops up to use them. (see any Rambo movie)
A cigarette case/lighter in the shirt pocket will always block the bullet.
When the hero faces a ridiculously large number of shooters with high powered weapons, they will all miss after several shots. Then, the hero will pulls out this gun that looks like a toy and start picking off the bad guys from half a mile away, usually hitting them in the forehead.
People always pump out a few (probably used) shotgun shells at each corner when chasing someone.
When people aim a rifle with binocular-sight at someone on a very long distance, they manage to keep them in the bull's-eye all the time even if they move around.
When faced with dozens of armed opponents, the good guy will show up and appear to be shot, perhaps dozens of times. He will fall down, and presumably be dead, but will later miraculously turn out to have had the
foresight to wear a bulletproof vest, armor plating, or even a silver tray to protect his torso (Batman). No one will ever shoot him in the head, where he is unprotected. Afterwards, instead of learning from his extremely good fortune, he throws his protection away, confident that the same situation cannot recur in his movie.
When superheroes like Batman or Robocop use high technology to protect themselves, the bad guys never take advantage of obvious weaknesses, such as no face protection.
Characters shot with guns will fly backward, or upward and backward, through the air - the laws of physics notwithstanding.
Characters use silencers on revolvers... and it works.
In 50% of action movies made after 1988, "Teflon Coated Cop Killer Bullets" will be referred to.
No movie character will ever use or refer to a safety on any firearm.
No movie character will ever use a .22-caliber weapon.
The cowboy who exchanges a dozen shots with the bad guys without hitting one will nevertheless be able to hit and detonate a stick of dynamite from 150 feet away with a revolver on the first try.
Once a character has flipped up the long range site on his rifle, he will always make his next shot.
Bullets removed from shooting victims and displayed to the camera will not be misshapen in any way from the impact - and will sometimes still have the casing attached.
Shots fired at the rear of a vehicle will cause the gas tank to explode.
Shots fired at windshields never deflect; they always penetrate and hit the bad guy in the forehead. If the good guy is driving, he'll simply have to duck a little to avoid them.
Shots fired at guys hiding around corners never whiz past; they always strike the edge of the building near the character's face.
Shots fired in Westerns that do not hit a character always ricochet loudly.
If there is a trough of water present in a Western Gunfight scene, at least one shot will splash spectacularly in the water.
Western characters are never shot in the legs while hiding behind wagons.
No gun will ever jam or misfire after a quick-draw.
In a duel or in a gunfight between two characters standing in a street, at least one charcter is always hit on the first exchange of gunfire.
No debris will ever fall from a ceiling after a gun is Fired upward into it. Shurrikens and thrown knives never miss, unless they pin a character's clothing to a wall or tree.
Horses are never wounded in horseback gunfights.
Assassins will always wait 'till the very last moment to assemble their complex sniper weapon (often a pistol the size of a rifle).
Even weapons experts will freeze when confronted with a weapon which is not in firing condition-ie an un-cocked single actionrevolver or a submachine gun with its breech closed (also un-cocked). The personholding the gun must make several moves to fire the gun, and the adversary could just reach out and take the weapon, but the dropee just freezes even though often it is obvious that the cylinder is devoid of
Movie gunmen never lock and load their weapons when anticipating a life-or-death confrontation. Oh they have their weapons drawn, but not charged with a round in the chamber. They usually (always when carrying
a pump-action shotgun) wait until they confront their quarry to slam a round into the chamber with a dramatic ca-chunking noise.
Bullets, even though they are only pieces of lead-sometimes encased in copper, always make little explosions when they strike any kind of inanimate object.
Photos of loved ones, religous medals, and bibles can stop bullets better than a bullet proof vest.
All sub machine guns sound alike and have the same rate of fire
NEW requirement: all automatic pistols must be held sideways in order to be fired.
If you are a cowboy, aiming your rifle while using you rhorse as a support will always assure a first round hit.
All aautomatic weapons must be cocked in order to be fired, but bolt action weapons can fire two or three times without being cocked!
You can never un-jam a weapon by just pulling back the bolt and rechambering another round, 'though that will work 99 times out of 100 in real life.
Thursday Nov 13 2008
The day finally arrives:
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed however. St. Peter says, Well Forrest it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven. Forrest responds, Sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was. St. Peter goes on, Yes, I know
Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions.
1. What days of the week begin with the letter T.
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest goes away to think. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try and answer the exam questions. St Peter waves him up and says, Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.
Forrest says, "Well the first one- how many days begin with T, shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide as he exclaimed Forrest, "That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that one."
"How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder", says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded St.Peter says, "Twelve!? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says, "Shucks, there's gotta' be twelve: January second, February second, March second..."
"Hold it," Interrupts St. Peter "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see you're point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on to the final question.
Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied. "Andy."
"OK, OK," said frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I can see how you came up with the first two answers to my questions but how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"
That was the easiest of all, Forrest replied I learned it from the song....Andy WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.....
Wednesday Nov 12 2008
Get On Up
A sexy young woman was waiting for the bus at a crowded bus stop. She was wearing a tight leather mini skirt and as the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.
So slightly embarrassed, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to board the bus, but found that she could not raise her leg high enough. So, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was still unable to make the step.
About this time a big Texan who was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
The young woman turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
Sunday Nov 9 2008
do you call a handcuffed man?
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have
a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Friday Nov 7 2008
who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing
suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see
her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Sarah asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
Thursday Nov 6 2008
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the
charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have, " the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, "he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for
sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
Wednesday Nov 5 2008
Have you ever wondered where
and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through
the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching
and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked
the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that
he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's
daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was
that man going into the barn?" "That's some fellow
traveling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to
stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn. The
daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared
him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. About an hour
later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her
hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was
very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was
thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,
and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew,
her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She
also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man
in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the
farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the
visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without
even saying good-bye," she cried, "after we made such
passionate love last night?" "What?" shouted the
father, and angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now
was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him,
"I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The
man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next
to his mouth, and yelled out,
And that's how yodeling began.
Tuesday Nov 4 2008
It's a sunny morning in the
Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes
downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into
his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?"
he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big
chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been
eating my porridge?" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head
through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's
sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mummy Bear
who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the
house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last
night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the
cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear
who set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the
litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've
decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence, you'd
better listen real good because I'm only going to say this one more
I haven't made the f***ing porridge yet!!"
Monday Nov 3 2008
Tough Night At The Theater
A cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
Saturday Nov 1 2008
19 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19. Your friends love you anyway.