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Saturday May 31 2008
A guy in a bar stood up and
declared, "All lawyers are Damned Son-uffa-Bitches!"
Another guy stood up, fists clenched, and yelled, "Hey buddy! I
resent that!"
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No! I'm a Damned Son-uffa-Bitch!*"
----------------------------
Thursday May 29 2008
He said... Want a quickie?
She said...As opposed to what?
He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in
it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the
money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you
in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late
husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you
ever been mistaken for a man?
She said...No, have you?
He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not
with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he
is blind.
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light
on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
----------------------------
Wednesday May 28 2008
The controller who was working
a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a
complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me
four thousand dollars worth!"
----------------------------
Tuesday May 27 2008
A restaurant worker in Virginia confronted two able bodied men who she saw parked in a handicapped spot. The driver rejected the woman's request to move the vehicle and even cursed her. She wrote down a description of the car and its license number in retaliation. It just so happens that at the same time, the men's partner was robbing the restaurant where the lady worked. With the dedicated employee's information, police were able to catch the robbers. A sheriff's spokesperson said, "If he had just been polite and moved the car, she probably wouldn't have paid any further attention to them."
----------------------------
Sunday May 25 2008
Fair Warning
Discovering one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Levine stopped to gently scold the child. Smiling
sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told
if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you
weren't warned."
----------------------------
Friday May 23 2008
The
coordinator of a drunken-driving prevention program recently took the
concept lead by example to a new level.
The county arranged a drunk-driving awareness picnic, and attendees
thought the coordinator, Linda Harris, was simply part of a
demonstration when police stopped her and began to administer sobriety
tests. A police officer noticed alcohol on Harris's breath when
she pulled up to the picnic, and her blood-alcohol level tested at .09
percent, which is just above the legal limit. Additionally, she
failed four out of five coordination tests. She was officially
arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated. What a lovely
example indeed.
----------------------------
Wednesday May 21 2008
A man appears before a judge
one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some
papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a
divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story
house." The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is
that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man
answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the
other story is 'It's that time of the
month.'
----------------------------
Tuesday May 20 2008
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love." "That must be rather difficult." the man replied. "Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
----------------------------
Monday May 19 2008
Fertilizer
A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little
boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've
you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We
put sugar and cream on ours."
----------------------------
Saturday May 17 2008
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you're actually a dog.
----------------------------
Friday May 16 2008
Stand By Your Man
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One
day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she
sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have
been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed
right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my
side. You know what?"
"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to
fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
----------------------------
Thursday May 15 2008
Osama bin Laden, not feeling
well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about
the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into
the realm of the future she finds the answer.
"You will die on an American holiday."
"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you
die, it will be an American holiday!"
----------------------------
Wednesday May 14 2008
A man goes to the doctor and
tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines
him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of
pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of
water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water
after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with
another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so
much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's
my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough
water."
----------------------------
Tuesday May 13 2008
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on Arkansas I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver replies, "Bout what?"
----------------------------
Sunday May 11 2008
Words of
Wisdom
I am in
shape.
Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer,
but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything
else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians
and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.
Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
And attention:
You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, you grow old because you stopped laughing
----------------------------
Saturday May 10 2008
"If
there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they
went."- Unknown
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike
people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love
and hate."- Sigmund Freud
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail
instead of his tongue."- Anonymous
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough
exercise."-Unknown
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around
three times before lying down."- Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird
religious cult."- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a
can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."- Joe Weinstein
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you
are wonderful."- Ann Landers
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him."- Dereke Bruce
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your
face."- Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself."- Josh Billings
"The
average dog is a nicer person than the average person."- Andrew A.
Rooney
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."-
Gene Hill
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of
a dog, it's too dark to read."- Groucho Marx
"To his
dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs."- Aldous Huxley, 1894, English Novelist
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got
the guts to bite people themselves."- August Strindberg
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I
have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James
Thurber
"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay
out and your dog would go in."- Mark Twain
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea."- Robert A. Heinlein
----------------------------
Friday May 9 2008
Horses
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about
is track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won
20!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've
won 29!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they
notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I
don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91
races, I've won 89 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed.
"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking
dog."
----------------------------
Thursday May 8 2008
One Sunday morning, the
pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring
up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American
flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,
"Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the
plaque.
"Pastor, what is this?" he asked.
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men
and women who died in the service." Soberly, they just stood
together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear,
asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
----------------------------
Tuesday May 6 2008
Mental hospital mentality
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep
end. He sunk to the bottom stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped into save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because
since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I
think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the
patient you saved, hung himself with his
bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself: I put him there to dry."
----------------------------
Monday May 5 2008
A young executive is leaving
the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of
the shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.
"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can
you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine
on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button.
"Thanks." says the CEO as her paper disappears inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."
----------------------------
Sunday May 4 2008
LIFE'S
MYSTERIES IN HUMAN TERMS"
ROMANCE
MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance.
Smart man + dumb woman = affair.
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage.
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion.
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING
MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed, or so they think.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night, or so they think.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION ANALYSIS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
----------------------------
Saturday May 3 2008
ALCOHOL WARNING
Due to increasing product liability litigation, beer manufacturers have
accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be
placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
idiot.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you
can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named
FRANZ.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
literally disappear.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
----------------------------
Friday May 2 2008
EXPRESSIONS FOR WOMEN ON
HIGH STRESS DAYS
1. You - off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
6. Allow me to introduce my selves.
7. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
8. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
9. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
10. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
11. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't
sleeping.
12. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
13. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
14. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
15. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
16. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
17. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
18. Earth is full. Go home.
19. Is it time for your medication or mine?
20. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
21. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
----------------------------
Thursday May 1 2008
Just A Pint Or Two
An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and
weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman.
"Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" the policeman asked.
"Well, I may have had a pint or two." The man replied,
smiling. "Why do you ask?"
"Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back."
"Oh, thank goodness," the man exclaimed. "I thought I'd
gone deaf!"
