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Monday Mar 31 2008
All women can relate to
this!!
What Women Want in a Man, Original List (Age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head okay)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
----------------------------
Sunday Mar 30 2008
Tourists in Texas
A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee in
a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at
a booth near the counter
sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and heads for the
closest stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over the stool,
he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The
tourist jumps up and yells, "Sir, how dare you fart before my
wife!"
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says, "I'm awful
sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."
----------------------------
Saturday Mar 29 2008
Sidney was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife," said Sid. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner.
"She's cut some of us out altogether!"
----------------------------
Friday Mar 28 2008
The girl
knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have
sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at
myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My
dear, I have good news.
That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake."
----------------------------
Wednesday Mar 25 2008
Here's a joke that offers some frightening perspective into the male and female mind.
HER
STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about
it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off
somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny
and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me
or something else..
I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So
anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just
puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means
because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump
me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10
minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just
don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met
someone
else?
HIS STORY:
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though!
----------------------------
Monday Mar 24 2008
Who's been attentive in class ?
What time is the sentence in : "I'd like to talk to my wife now ."
Is it : - incomplete past tense
- present tense
- future tense
Well ?
????
????
None of the above !!
It's wasted time !
Women never listen anyway ...
----------------------------
Sunday Mar 23 2008
Riddle
How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows..............they've never gotten the house.
----------------------------
Saturday Mar 22 2008
THE TOP 27 THINGS YOU
WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of BS.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a
hoot.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good
for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change
the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
you.
12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and
stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view.
18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship
me.
22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my
toys!
And now Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
1. Well, aren't we just a ray of bloody sunshine?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
7. You! Off my planet!!
8. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
self-control.
9. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
10. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
12. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
13. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego ?
14. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
15. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
16. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
17. Earth is full, Go home.
----------------------------
Friday Mar 21 2008
Efficiency
Expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a
note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these
techniques at home. "
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I
watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and
cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually,
yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to
make breakfast.
Now I do it in ten."
----------------------------
Friday Mar 13 2008
The Truth
About Hell
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to
Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people
do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the
rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives
two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at
which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until All Hell Breaks Loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop
until Hell Freezes Over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year-"...that it will be a Cold Day in Hell Before I sleep
with you."-and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true;
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will (unfortunately) not
freeze.
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN
----------------------------
Thursday Mar 12 2008
Blonde Breakdown
A blonde's
car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over
onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car
and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats
who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand
facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing
their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway
occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The
cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?" My
car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well,
what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.
And she said...
"Those are my emergency flashers!"
----------------------------
Wednesday Mar 11 2008
Take the
ultimate guy quiz:
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to
as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SPORTSCENTER
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight
in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the
beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to
make sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
----------------------------
Tuesday Mar 11 2008
Two little potatoes
are standing on the street corner.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
Scroll down ...
Hold on . . .
It's a good one . . .
You'll gonna love it . . .
It's the one with the little sticker that
says IDAHO.
----------------------------
Monday Mar 10 2008
A man
sat down in a restaurant and asked the waitress what the daily special
was. She replied, "Boiled tongue."
"Boiled tongue!" responded the horrified customer, "There
is certainly no way that I would ever eat anything that came out of a
cows mouth! That's disgusting!
Give me three fried eggs, instead!"
----------------------------
Sunday Mar 9 2008
A pirate is on his ship, with his First Mate standing next to him. As they look out on the sea, another ship appears on the horizon. The Pirate looks at his First Mate and says: "Get me Red Shirt from me locker!" The First Mate gets the shirt, the Pirate puts it on, they attack the other ship and plunder it.
The Pirate removes the shirt, and the First Mate puts it back in it's locker. Later, as they look out on the sea, two ships appear on the horizon. The Pirate looks at his First Mate and says: "Get me Red Shirt from me locker!" The First Mate gets the shirt, the Pirate puts it on, they attack the ships and plunder them.
The First Mate asks the Pirate: "Why do you put on that Red Shirt to attack?" The Pirate replies: "It's so me crew doesn't loose confidence. If I get hurt and bleed, they won't know." Just then, they look up and see twenty boats on the horizon. The First Mate smiles and asks: "Do you want me to get your Red Shirt?" The Pirate replies: "No, get my Brown Pants!"
----------------------------
Saturday Mar 8 2008
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I'v e never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.'
----------------------------
Friday Mar 7 2008
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, 'Up Nuts', and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, 'Down Nuts', and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, 'Cheer Nuts'. They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled,
'Booooo Nuts' and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he turned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, 'What in the world happened?'
The assistant replied, 'Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'
----------------------------
Thursday Mar 6 2008
The following were taken
from actual employee evaluations:
Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows
signs of starting to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this man to breed.
This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This man has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.
This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it
together.
----------------------------
Wednesday Mar 5 2008
Toilet Paper Miracle
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.....
----------------------------
Tuesday Mar 4 2008
An Amish boy and his father were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and slide back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) said, "Son, I don't know. It is very strange, indeed." While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, an elderly lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as the small circular numbers above the walls lit up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number... and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the wall opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
----------------------------
Monday Mar 3 2008
A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Mr. Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr. Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglas. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
