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Monday June 30 2008
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
----------------------------
Sunday June 29 2008
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their sexual encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to accurately guess how frequently they had sex. That was until he came to the last man in line... this guy was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day." guessed the therapist. "No." said the man. "Oh, then how about once a day?". Again, grinning like a cheshire cat said "No." ..."Twice a week?"..."No"..."Twice a month?"..."No"..."Every second month?"..."No"..."Okay, then. How often DO you have sex?" The man replied, "Once a year." The therapist was a bit confused. "Then why in the heck are you smiling?"... The man said," 'Cuz tonight's the night!"
----------------------------
Saturday June 28 2008
Once upon a time in the forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and and orphaned snake. Coincidentally, they were both blind from birth. One day the bunny was hopping through the forest one way and the snake slithered from the other and they slammed into each other. "Oh my!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to hurt you, but I've been blind since birth so I can't see where I'm going. I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I'll tell you what... let me slither over there, figure out what you are and at least you'll have that going for you." So the snake slithered over to the bunny and said, "Well, you are covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft cotton tail. You must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny. "Now maybe I could touch you and tell you what you are." So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, and not much of a backbone. I'd say you must be a politician."
----------------------------
Friday June 27 2008
I boarded the train
and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but not for long.
young mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter and Mom sat down in
the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl but Mom said
no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am holding my roses,
now with a little lady straining to see what I was holding.
"What ya got, mister?" she asked. (Mom is getting a bit
flustered and tells her to mind her business.)
I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says
loudly, "Ohhhh, ROSES!, who are they for?"
(Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit
down.)
I said, "they're for my girlfriend".
She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot
of them, too! Man, you really must have screwed up!"
Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was in stitches, except
Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats!
----------------------------
Thursday June 26 2008
Having passed the enlistment
physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to
join the Army, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Navy, sir."
----------------------------
Wednesday June 25 2008
I like
Monkeys by J. Reno Deaton, Esq.
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I
decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth
so I bought 200 monkeys.
I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them
drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of
them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals.
I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their
new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the
couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first,
the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so
inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of
dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five
hours later.
Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet.
It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and
one-hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they
were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they
began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't
want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the
decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I
had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all of the food
in the freezer so it didn't go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was
flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey
in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred
ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.
The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys
and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of
the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away but the garbage
man said he city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told
him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking
about the frozen ones.
I
finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but
I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
----------------------------
Tuesday June 24 2008
(as if an Irishman
would stoop so low as to play such a barbaric Scottish game)
A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the
ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his
head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his
water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving
him. "Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh,
I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya
want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer
answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay,
and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks
off. "What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself.
"But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do
something for him. I'll give him three things I would want...a great
golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does, in jokes like this) and the
golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the
leprechaun waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball
here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's
yer golf game?" "That's the first bad ball I've hit in a
year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers.
"By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm
fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer
money?" "Why, I win fortunes in golf. But, if I need cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."
"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?" The golfer
blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr,
all right, I suppose." "C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to
know if I did a good job. How many times a day?" Blushing
even more, the golfer whispers, "Once...sometimes twice a
week." "What!" says the leprechaun in shock.
"That's all? Once or twice a week?" "Well," says the
golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish......
----------------------------
Monday June 23 2008
George Carlin died from heart failure on Sunday evening evening, he was 71.
George Carlin's
view on aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you
think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on
five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the
next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be
13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
and then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the
words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like
bad
milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're
just a
sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you
REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a
day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards;
"I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES
AGAIN
1. Ever wonder about those people
who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try
spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section
in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville
Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Bay Buccaneers are known as the
"Bucs," what does that make the
Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from
diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys
it?
5. There are three religious
truths: Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
Messiah. Protestants do not
recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith. Baptists do not recognize
each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from
called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much
as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it
disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight
packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the
piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racecar is not a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11
pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and
clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to
merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take
coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on
the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people
seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older; then it dawned on
me .....they're cramming for their final
exam.
17. I thought about how mothers
feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks, so I wondered what do
Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of
criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why
don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can
look for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here
to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear
until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of
lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. Whatever happened to
Preparations A through G?
----------------------------
Sunday June 22 2008
There are three religious
truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
----------------------------
Saturday June 21 2008
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank God," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."
----------------------------
Friday June 20 2008
The Bell Curve of
Success
At age 2... ....Success is.........Not peeing in your pants
At age 12........Success is......... Having friends
At age 16........Success is....... ....Having a driver's license
At age 20........Success is..............Having sex
At age 35........Success is...............Having money
At age 50........Success is...............Having money
At age 60........Success is.............Having sex
At age 70........Success is...........Having a driver's license
At age 75........Success is..........Having friends
At age 80........Success is........Not peeing in your pants
----------------------------
Thursday June 19 2008
Some slightly off the wall thoughts from George Carlin
1. Don't
sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
practice?"
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid
someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other
people.
28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
30. How is it possible to have a civil war?
31. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
33. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a
"S" in it?
36. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"assteroids"?
37. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
39. Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
40. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during
a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that
stuff?
41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
----------------------------
Wednesday June 18 2008
GREAT
TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
*No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
* You can't trust a dog to watch your food.
* Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a Tic-Tac.
* Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
* You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
* Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
* Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
* Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
* If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
* Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
* My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
* One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone
in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
* God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right
now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You become Santa Claus.
4) You start to look like Santa Claus.
----------------------------
Tuesday June 17 2008
46 Rules That Guys Wish Girls Knew…
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
8. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is harder. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.
19. Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor.
22. Foreign films are for foreigners.
23. Check you oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won't dress up like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. More women should were Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together.
46. What the hell is a doily?
----------------------------
Monday June 16 2008
The REAL MAN Quiz
1. In the
company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A.) Lovemaking
B.) Screwing
C.) Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
A.) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B.) Your blood-test results
C.) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A.) Your partner climaxes first.
B.) You both climax simultaneously
C.) You don't miss Sports Center
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A.) Healthy, creative love-play
B.) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
C.) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out
about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:
A.) The best part of the experience
B.) The second best part of the experience
C.) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
A.) No concern of yours
B.) Not a problem, she can join your gym
C.) A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A.) A myth
B.) An oxymoron
C.) A Moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A.) Appetizer is to entree
B.) Primer is to paint
C.) A long line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
the end of a relationship?
A.) "I hope we can still be friends."
B.) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the
beep."
C.) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A.) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy
B.) Is uptight and a waste of time
C.) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating Results:
If you answered;
"A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
"B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a
little confused
"C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!"
----------------------------
Sunday June 15 2008
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be
very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your
car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit
your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
----------------------------
Saturday June 14 2008
HOW
TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car, point a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address is:
Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com,
Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you
think."
11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the
prophecy."
12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so the brightness level lights up
the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
13) Dont use any punctuation
14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
15) Ask people what sex they are.
16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
17) Sing along at the opera.
18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
19) Find out where your boss shops, buy exactly the same outfits, wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your
boss is the opposite gender.)
20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.
21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies
24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"
25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream:
"I Won!"
"I Won!"
"3rd time this week!!!"
27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me,
it's the voices in your head that do"
29) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we're
going to have to let one of you go."
30) Everytime you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is
here"
----------------------------
Friday June 13 2008
THE ACCIDENT REPORT
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little
Mon-key came out of the brush
and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the
Mon-key and said,
"I wish you could talk." The Mon-key looked up at the
officer and nodded his head up and down. "You can understand
what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the Mon-key
nodded his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the Mon-key. "What happened?"
The Mon-key pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The Mon-key nods his head "Yes." "What else?"
The Mon-key pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?" The Mon-key nods his head
"Yes." "What else?" The Mon-key motioned
"kissing." "They were kissing, too?" asked the
astounded officer. The Mon-key nods his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and
kissing before they wrecked." The Mon-key nods his head
"Yes." "What were you doing during all this?"
......."Driving" motioned the Mon-key.
----------------------------
Thursday June 12 2008
Wisdom
from a life of hard knocks
I've learned
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk
them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're
finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take
its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their
dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they
will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from
you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6
languages.
----------------------------
Wednesday June 11 2008
Question: What do you get when 20 violinists start playing at the same time but play different songs?Answer: A senseless act of violins.
----------------------------
Tuesday June 10 2008
AAADD???
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD -- Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes:
I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail
on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car ... BUT FIRST, I'm going
to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on the desk.
After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll
just put the bills on my desk.... BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but
since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few
bills.....Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops. There's only one check
left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic
cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks
...
BUT FIRST, I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.
I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a
drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair
of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing there? I'll just
put them away ... BUT FIRST, need to water those plants. I head for the
door and .... Aaagh! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot.
Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants.... BUT FIRST,
I need to find those checks.
END OF THE DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in
the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys.
And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm
baffled because .... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition
is serious... I'd get help ... BUT FIRST.... I think I'll check my
e-mail.
----------------------------
Monday June 9 2008
In Colorado, it is unlawful to let your hogs run at large.Who makes this stuff up?
----------------------------
Saturday June 7 2008
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here." Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
----------------------------
Friday June 6 2008
Things You Don't Want To
Hear During Surgery!
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Somebody call the janitor- we'll need a mop.
Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord Of Darkness!
Bo Bo! Come back! Bad dog!
Wait a minute... If that's his spleen, what's this?
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex!
Oops! Has anybody ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys, and, uh, this guy's got two
healthy ones...
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my
concentration.
Hey, let's make his leg twitch!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses!
Sterile, schmerile, the floor's clean.
What do you mean he WASN'T in for a sex change?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
Now, we remove the subject's brain, and place it in the body of an ape!
Gee, I hope he already has some kids...
----------------------------
Thursday June 5 2008
How Do You Catch A
Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served OnThe Titanic?
Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
----------------------------
Wednesday June 4 2008
VETA man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic.
As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed
away."
What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done
any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left
the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The
Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out
thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook
his head and said "Bark."
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with
a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table.
As had his predecessors, the cat
sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the
table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead?
This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for
it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."
----------------------------
Tuesday June 3 2008
One day an Englishman, a
Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a
pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy
beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in
the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it,
as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his
drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling,
"SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
----------------------------
Monday June 2 2008
Midlife!
Midlife is
when the growth of the hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty
of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
Midlife women no longer have upper arms; we have wingspans. We are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts; we are flying squirrels in drag.
Midlife has hit when you stand naked in front of the mirror and can see
your rear end without turning around.
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more
like splat!
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and
scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things
will too!"
Midlife is when you realize that, if you were a dog, you would need a
control top flea collar.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is
the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now
sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at
your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think,
"For this I have stretch marks?"
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still
retain is water.
The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of
course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are
floating in it.
----------------------------
Sunday June 1 2008
A wife and her husband were
having a dinner party for some guests. The wife was very excited
about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last
minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party,
so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to
gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took
the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling
alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept
thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just
come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the
snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was
standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him
back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next
morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner
party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all
the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment.
He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he
dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way
wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all
down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,
"Come on guys, we're almost there!!"
----------------------------
