---------------------------- 

Thursday  July 31 2008

Two women volunteers are told to paint a room at the vacant community hall which is being renovated, but they were not fully prepared... they were both wearing brand new clothes and did not want to get a drop of paint on them. After talking about it, they decided the best thing to do would be to lock the door and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the women. "Blind man," replies the voice at the other side of the door. The two women look at each other and shrug. They decide there is no harm in letting a blind man into the room. They open the door and the man enters, looks around and says, "Nice boobs." Now, where do you want these blinds?"

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Wednesday  July 30 2008

Courtroom Questions

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2.  "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3.  "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4.  "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5.  "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6.  "Did he kill you?"

7.  "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8.  "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9.  "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
       A: "Yes."
       Q: "How many were boys?"
       A: "None."
       Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
      A: "Yes."
      Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
       A: "I went to Europe, sir."
       Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
       A: "By death."
       Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
      A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
      Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
      A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
      A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?"
       A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
      A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
      Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
      A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
      A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
      A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
       A: "No."
       Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
       A: "No."
       Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
       A: "No."
       Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
       A: "No."
       Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
       A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
       Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
       A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

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Tuesday  July 29 2008

The only cow in a small town in southern Minnesota stopped giving milk.  The farmers did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Illinois for 200 dollars, or one from Wisconsin for 100 dollars.  Being frugal, they bought the cow from Wisconsin. The cow was wonderful.  It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.  They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask a local engineer, who was very wise, what to do. They told the engineer what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side." 

The engineer thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Wisconsin?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. 

"You are truly a wise engineer," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wisconsin?"

The engineer answered sadly, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

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Sunday  July 27 2008

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really, drunk.   When the bar closed he got up to go home.  As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun
walking on the sidewalk.  So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again.  This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.  By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.  So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and whispered.......

 "Not so tough tonight are you Batman?"

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Saturday  July 26 2008

1) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know  her first name was Always.

2) I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
 
3) Marriage is a 3-ring  circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

4) The last fight  was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust!"

5) In the beginning, God created earth and  rested.
    Then God created man and  rested.
    Then God created woman.
    Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

6) Why do men die before their  wives? They want to.

7) What is the difference between a dog and a  fox? About 5 drinks.

8) A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman  shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten in  four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your  willpower."

9) Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two  mothers-in-law.

10) Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some  parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife  until he marries her?  Dad: That happens in every  country, son.

11) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife  Wanted." Next day he received one hundred letters.  They all said the same  thing: "You can have mine."

12) The most effective way to  remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

13) First guy (proudly):  "My wife's an angel!"  Second guy: "You're  lucky, mine's still alive."

14) How do men define marriage? An  expensive way to get laundry done for free.

15) Just think, if it weren't for  marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

16)  If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you  say, talk in your sleep.

17) Then there was a man who said, "I never  knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it  was too late."

18) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much  does it cost to get married?"
    And the father replied,  "I don't know son, I'm still  paying."

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Friday  July 25 2008

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.  

 The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

 The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

 The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

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Thursday  July 24 2008

-- 32 things I bet you didn't know!!

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself. YUCK!
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate I know some people like that!
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! I knew it!
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War I were
made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a
game of chess is 318,979,564,000. 
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in  World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Who was the sadist who discovered this??
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.  WHAT???
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand. GOOD FACT TO REMEMBER??
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing. ????
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them. Not to mention the other drawback to farting in such a confined space....
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!!

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Tuesday  July 22 2008

I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours long, so I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the stewardess, who asked me if I would like some dinner. I said, "What are my choices?"

And she said, "Yes or no." 

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Monday  July 21 2008

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. 

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."  

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

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Sunday  July 20 2008

Greatest bumper stickers

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
3) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
6) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
7) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
10) Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
14) God must loved stupid people 'cause he made so many of them.
15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
17) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
18) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
19) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
20) A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
21) Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
22) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
23) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
24) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
25) Finish Your Beer ~ There Are Sober People In China!
26) Jesus Loves You ~ Everyone Else Thinks You're a Jerk!
27) SSDM: Same Sh*t; Different Millennium!
28) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
29) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes!
30) If I Gave A Shit, You'd Be The First Person I'd Give It To!
31) Fish Fear Me; Women Want Me!
32) I Smoke Just To Piss People Off!
33) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed; What More Do You Want?
34) Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
35) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother!

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Friday  July 18 2008

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.  A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"  
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.  "Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"  "I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

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Thursday  July 17 2008

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Wednesday  July 16 2008

A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.  Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you!  Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much!"  The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."

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Tuesday  July 15 2008

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do  the dishes?
 Both of them.
 
 Why did the man cross the road?
 He heard the chicken was a slut.
 
 Why don't women blink during foreplay?
 They don't have time.
 
 Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
 They don't stop and ask for directions.
 
 How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
 He buys two cases of beer.
 
 What is the difference between men and government bonds?
 The bonds mature.

 Why are blonde jokes so short?
 So men can remember them.

 How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
 We don't know; it has never happened.
 
 Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
 They all already have boyfriends.
 
 What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
 A widow.
 
 When do you care for a man's company?
 When he owns it.
 
 Why are married women heavier than single women?
 Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
 Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
 
  How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
 Put the remote control between his toes.
 
  What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
 They're married.

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Monday  July 14 2008

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist (true story)

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.  The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.  

NASA responded with a one-line memo: 
  

"Thaw the Chicken"

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Sunday  July 13 2008

Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.
 
 "I want to get weighed," said Sandra.
 
 They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.  She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
 
 Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.
 
 The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.  "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
 
 Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
 Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

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Saturday  July 12 2008

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery as a birthday gift.

 On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.   She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - 

"Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."

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Friday  July 11 2008

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "  "Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"   About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.  The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...

---------------------------- 

Thursday  July 10 2008

Blonde Potpourri

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...She thought General Motors was in the army.
...She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
....She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.


She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she studied for a blood test.
...She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
...she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

---------------------------- 

Wednesday  July 9 2008

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an  hour fast."

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Tuesday  July 8 2008

1 - When his ..38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2 - Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.'

3 - The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

4 - Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

5 - An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.

6 - A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off.  The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

7 - In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

8 - A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.  Understandably, he shot her dead.

9 - One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste
in clothing.

10 - After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

11 - In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson.  According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semi-automatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semi-automatic.

12 - Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health.  However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

13 - An American teenager was in hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told the police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

14 - Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

15 - Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government - which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white socks - Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens.  Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult', as it was a blind imitation of Westerners. 

16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant.

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Monday  July 7 2008

POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

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Sunday  July 6 2008

1. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

2. Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me, " the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."

3. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you still end up at work.

11. Americans are getting stronger. 50 years ago, you needed a station-wagon to hold $10 worth of groceries. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Now, a five- year-old can do it.

12. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was  relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

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Saturday  July 5 2008

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex! Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

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Friday  July 4 2008

Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour.  Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich manoeuvre.  They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when
they saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very  impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F*ck those rednecks!

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a f*cking grenade in my mouth, pull the f*cking pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chilli which slid unnoticed out of my f*cking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my goddamn sh*rt.  At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful.  F*ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the f*cking 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make
it.  Poor Yank.
FRANK:  --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Thursday  July 3 2008

A government employee sits in his office and, out of sheer boredom, decided to rifle through his filing cabinet, which he hasn't opened in 10 years. He pokes through the contents and comes upon an old tarnished brass lamp. He starts polishing it... and low and behold, a genie pops out and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer on my desk right now." POOF! Suddenly there's a frosty brew right in front of him. "For my second wish, I want to be on a tropical island surrounded by beautiful women." POOF! Suddenly he's lying on the beach in Mazatlan, Mexico surrounded by babes. "And, finally, for my third wish I'd like to never have to work again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

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Wednesday  July 2 2008

A guy applied to join a nudist club.
"Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.
"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our  clothes and commune with nature."  "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.  As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of  Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing, "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said,

"Sorry...... You've had two warnings!"

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Tuesday  July 1 2008

FAMOUS SEXUAL QUOTES

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.  Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.  They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful."
Robert DE Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.  So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

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