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Thursday Jan 31 2008
50
Things NOT To Say During Love making
1. But
everybody looks funny naked!
2. You
woke me for that?
3. Did
I mention the video camera?
4. Do
you smell something burning?
5. (in
a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
6. Try
breathing through your nose.
7. A
little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is
that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But
whipped cream makes me break out.
11.
Person 1: This is your first time…right? Person 2: Yeah...today.
12. (in
the Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can
you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do
you accept Visa?
15.
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On
second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
17. And
to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So
much for mouth to mouth.
19.
(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20.
Hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober…
21.
(holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do
you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try
not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24.
(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this
couch!
25. Got
any penicillin?
26. But
I just brushed my teeth….
27.
Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
28. I
thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I
want a baby!
30. So
much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. Why
am I doing all the work?
32.
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
33. Did
you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I
think you have I ton backwards.
35.
When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put
that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37.
You’re good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is
that blood on the headboard?
39. Did
I remember to take my pill?
40. Are
you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
41. I
wish we got the playboy channel…
42.
That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I
told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
44. But
my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did
I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If
you quit smoking you might have more endurance…
47. No,
really…I do this part better myself!
48.
It’s nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
49.
This would be more fun with a few more people….
50. You’re almost as good as my ex!
----------------------------
Wednesday Jan 30 2008
Ten things you should never say to a woman during an argument
----------------------------
Tuesday Jan 29 2008
Master Card Wedding
You gotta love this guy.
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It made the
local newspaper; even Jay Leno mentioned it on his show.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the
crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at
their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family & to especially thank his
new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted
to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the
wedding party, were an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, & asked
them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his
bride having sex with his best friend, the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks
earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions
for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to his bride & said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first
thing the following morning.
While most people would have canceled the Wedding
immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing
were wrong. His revenge--making the bride' s
parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, & best of all,
trashing the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends & family
members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a Master Card
"PRICELESS" commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends: $32,000...
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000...
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500...
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping his best man:
Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's
MASTERCARD!
----------------------------
Monday Jan 28 2008
This is what it's like to be a Canadian these days...
ONLY IN CANADA EH....
Sorry for some of the language. However, it seems appropriate!!!!!!!!
Dear Mr. Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a
t.v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHIT!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my @#&in' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals assholes
workin' there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another @#%in copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??
Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the @#%in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!
(@#%in morons)
Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!
Signed - An Irate @#%ing Canadian Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the
yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST
@#%ing CHINA!!!
----------------------------
Sunday Jan 27 2008
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
and of course,
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other!
----------------------------
Saturday Jan 26 2008
A big-city lawyer was
representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The
rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the
railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of
the bull.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried
to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job,
and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young
lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the
rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer
was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went
through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the
stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller,
I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that
durned bull came home this morning."
----------------------------
Thursday Jan 24 2008
Maid´s Pay Raise
The Maid asked for a raise.
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!
----------------------------
Wednesday Jan 23 2008
You know you are a cop if...
1) You have the bladder capacity of five people.
2) You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
3) You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good air.
4) Your idea of a good time is a 'man with a gun' call.
5) You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
6) You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and birth control pills.
7) You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
8) You have your weekends off planned for a year.
9) You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
10) You refer to your favorite restaurant by the intersection at which it's located.
11) You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: 'Suicide... getting it
right the first time.'
12) You ever had to put the e phone on hold before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
13) You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
14) You believe anyone who says, 'I only had two beers' is going to blow more than a .15
15) You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
16) Anyone has ever said to you, 'There are people killing other people out
there and you are here messing with me.'
17) People flag you down on the street and ask you directions to strange
places... and you know where it's located.
18) You can discuss where you are going to eat with your partner while
standing over a dead body.
19) You are the only person introduced at social gatherings by profession.
20) You walk into places and people think its high comedy to grab their
buddy and shout, 'They've come to get you, Bill.'
21) You do not see daylight from November until May.
22) People shout, 'I didn't do it!' when you walk into a room and think
they're being hugely funny and original.
23) A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts, 5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear.
24) You've ever referred to Tuesday as 'my weekend', or 'this is my Friday'.
25) You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a business deduction.
26) You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 'Boy, it sure is quiet tonight.'
27) Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal to you.
28) You find humor in other people's stupidity.
29) You have left more meals on the restaurant table than you've eaten.
30) You feel good when you hear 'these handcuffs are too tight'.
----------------------------
Tuesday Jan 22 2008
Crabs
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of frozen crabs.
A female crew member took the box from him and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn!!!
----------------------------
Monday Jan 21 2008
An older man was grocery shopping with his grandson. The toddler was crying and at times screaming at the top of his lungs.
As the old gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear him speaking in a soft voice.
"We are almost done, Larry ... Try not to cry, Larry.. Life will get better, Larry."
As he approached the checkout stand, he gently brushed the toddler's tears from his eyes and said again, "Try not to cry,Larry We'll be home soon, Larry ."
As he was paying the cashier, the toddler continued to cry and a young woman in line behind him said, "Sir, I think it's
wonderful how sweet you're being to your little Larry."
The old gentleman blinked his eyes a couple of times before saying, " Larry! Larry? My grandson's name is John. I'm Larry."
----------------------------
Sunday Jan 20 2008
A "very well to
do" man from Lake Charles, La. decided to throw a huge party for
all of his neighbors.
Amongst the crowd was only one true cajun, named Boudreaux.
After a few drinks, the host said to the crowd "There is a 12'
alligator in my pool, and I'll give 1 million dollars to whoever jumps
in".
Just as he finished his sentence, he heard a splash. There was
Boudreaux, fighting tooth and nail with the gator. After about 10
minutes, the gator floated up, dead, and Boudreaux got out of the pool.
"I guess I owe you 1 million bucks", he said. "No
thanks", said Boudreaux.
The host insisted. "I have to give you something. How 'bout a
corvette, a Rolex, whatever you want"
Boudreaux replied "Give me the name of the S.O.B. who pushed me
into the pool!"s
----------------------------
Saturday Jan 19 2008
True
or False?
Can
you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2
teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather;
it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop,
even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are
lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog
bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They
don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5
years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each
year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when
straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a
minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than
any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head
in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit
and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles
in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising
milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER
travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built
in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the
umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used
in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess
Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it
would be green.
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16 Have a great day
all.........
----------------------------
Friday Jan 18 2008
Corallaries to Murphy's Law
1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends....if they're ok, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. You can't fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
----------------------------
Wedesday Jan 16 2008
Ten Pet Peeves Dogs Have About Humans
'1'
Blaming your farts on me.. ... not funny... not funny at all !!!
--------------------------------------------------
'2'
Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
--------------------------------------------------
'3'
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
--------------------------------------------------
'4'
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
--------------------------------------------------
'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.
--------------------------------------------------
'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
--------------------------------------------------
'7'
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!
--------------------------------------------------
'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that
handshake thing yet.
--------------------------------------------------
'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
--------------------------------------------------
'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
--------------------------------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
----------------------------
Tuesday Jan 15 2008
In loving memory.....
Fred died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost ?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $ 30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats.”
----------------------------
Monday Jan 14 2008
HILLBILLY PROFESSIONAL
ENGINEERING EXAM:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that
will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. ' 66 Ford Fairlane
B. ' 69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C. ' 64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to
condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm.
The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.
The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches.
How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the
trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers
with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is
16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
collapses, how many hound dogs, hogs, or chickens will be killed?
7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow
with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the
children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a
steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given
the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will
swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the
mountain?
For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will
have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous
Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at
the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will
be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long
will it take a town that has been bypassed by
the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
----------------------------
Saturday Jan 12 2008
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE
SMART ANSWERS:
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
MARIA : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a
teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I wan! t to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
mouth.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the
other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out
of the mouth.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else
?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again
yesterday".
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've
failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers
before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out
of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've
treated. The others all died".
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo
of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
----------------------------
Wednesday Jan 9 2008
Who says Todays Kids aren't smart ??
(Well, some of them are!!! )
I wish I'd thought of this...
At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1,2,4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
----------------------------
Tuesday Jan 8 2008
Drafting Guys over 60----this is so funny & obviously written by a former soldier.
New Direction for the war on terrorists.
Send Service Vets over 60
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing
assbackwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry" We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperatly deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, "I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put the m. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt. in the "New army" now, "Get down and give me ... er ... one."
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figu red out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
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Monday Jan 7 2008
9 Danger Signs in the Female Language
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1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@#$ YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I'll do it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
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Sunday Jan 6 2008
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Saturday Jan 5 2008
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc." Said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
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Friday Jan 4 2008
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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Thursday Jan 3 2008
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
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Wednesday Jan 2 2008
Stu
said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you?"
Fred replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
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Tuesday Jan 1 2008
"THINGY":
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
"VULNERABLE":
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
"COMMUNICATION":
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the
boys.
"BUTT":
Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is
worn.
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal.
Also good for mooning.
"COMMITMENT":
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.
"ENTERTAINMENT":
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
"FLATULENCE":
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and
malebonding.
