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Wednesday Dec 31 2008
Quarters
A young boy enters the barber shop and Bill the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I
prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?"
said the barber. "That kid never learns! He's got to be the dumbest
kid in the world" .
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why
did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!!!!"
----------------------------
Tuesday Dec 30 2008
WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???
Try it without looking at answers
1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number..
5) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down
..............
Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below :
1. Einstein
2. Nelson Mandela
3. John Brown
4. Pope John Paul, II
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Brad Pitt
8. Ben Franklin
9. Steve Bamford
10. Barack Obama
I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like me.... Believe it!
Ps. Stop picking different numbers. I AM YOUR IDOL,
JUST accept IT!!!!!!
----------------------------
Monday Dec 29 2008
Two men are out ice fishing
at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing Quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think
I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2
months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
----------------------------
Friday Dec 26 2008
This doctor had been seeing
an 80 year old woman for most of her life. He finally retired. At
her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her
medications that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was
looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a
prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possible help you sleep."
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I
know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks......and believe
me, it helps me sleep at night."
You Gotta' Watch Them Grandmas..........Gotta' Love Them
----------------------------
Wednesday Dec 24 2008
To track Santa
on Christmas Eve
with your kids...go to this website
http://www.noradsanta.org/
this is the NORAD Santa tracking website with plenty of great videos of
Santa doing his deliveries on Christmas eve.
--------------------------------------------
Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus
Editorial Page, New York Sun, 1897
We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below,
expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful
author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, "If you see it in The Sun, it's so." Please tell me
the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
Virginia O'Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the
skepticism of a sceptical age. They do not believe except what they see.
They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their
little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's,
are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an
ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as
measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and
knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and
you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and
joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus!
It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no
childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this
existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The
external light with which childhood fills the world would be
extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies.
You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on
Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa
Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but
that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in
the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever
see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that
they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there
are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside,
but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest
man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever
lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push
aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory
beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing
else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus? Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years
from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue
to make glad the heart of childhood.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!
***************************************
From The People's Almanac, pp. 1358-9.
Francis P. Church's editorial, "Yes Virginia, There is a Santa
Claus" was an immediate sensation, and became one of the most
famous editorials ever written. It first appeared in the The New York
Sun in 1897, almost a hundred years ago, and was reprinted annually
until 1949 when the paper went out of business.
Thirty-six years after her letter was printed, Virginia O'Hanlon
recalled the events that prompted her letter:
"Quite naturally I believed in Santa Claus, for he had never
disappointed me. But when less fortunate little boys and girls said
there wasn't any Santa Claus, I was filled with doubts. I asked my
father, and he was a little evasive on the subject.
"It was a habit in our family that whenever any doubts came up as
to how to pronounce a word or some question of historical fact was in
doubt, we wrote to the Question and Answer column in The Sun. Father
would always say, 'If you see it in the The Sun, it's so,' and that
settled the matter.
" 'Well, I'm just going to write The Sun and find out the real
truth,' I said to father.
"He said, 'Go ahead, Virginia. I'm sure The Sun will give you the
right answer, as it always does.' "
And so Virginia sat down and wrote her parents' favorite newspaper.
Her letter found its way into the hands of a veteran editor, Francis P.
Church. Son of a Baptist minister, Church had covered the Civil War for
The New York Times and had worked on the The New York Sun for 20 years,
more recently as an anonymous editorial writer. Church, a sardonic man,
had for his personal motto, "Endeavour to clear your mind of
cant." When controversial subjects had to be tackled on the
editorial page, especially those dealing with theology, the assignments
were usually given to Church.
Now, he had in his hands a little girl's letter on a most controversial
matter, and he was burdened with the responsibility of answering it.
"Is there a Santa Claus?" the childish scrawl in the letter
asked. At once, Church knew that there was no avoiding the question. He
must answer, and he must answer truthfully. And so he turned to his
desk, and he began his reply which was to become one of the most
memorable editorials in newspaper history.
Church married shortly after the editorial appeared. He died in April,
1906, leaving no children.
Virginia O'Hanlon went on to graduate from Hunter College with a
Bachelor of Arts degree at age 21. The following year she received her
Master's from Columbia, and in 1912 she began teaching in the New York
City school system, later becoming a principal. After 47 years, she
retired as an educator. Throughout her life she received a steady stream
of mail about her Santa Claus letter, and to each reply she attached an
attractive printed copy of the Church editorial. Virginia O'Hanlon
Douglas died on May 13, 1971, at the age of 81, in a nursing home in
Valatie, N.Y.
----------------------------
Tuesday Dec 23 2008
ADMIN REVIEW
Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10,
15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was
in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he
called him into the office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up
job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to
hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from
the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
They said, "Good morning, General."
----------------------------
Monday Dec 22 2008
It
was a few minutes before the services started.
The congregation was seated in the pews and talking quietly.
Without warning, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, trampling each other
in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman.
He sat calmly, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in front of him.
Satan walked right up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who
I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the old gentleman.
"Do you know I can kill you with a single word?", asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an
even tone.
"Don't you realize that I could cause you profound, horrifying
AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And yet you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid
of me"?
The old man looked Satan right in the eye and calmly replied, "Been
married
to your sister for over 52 years."
----------------------------
Friday Dec 19 2008
How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb ?Two - one to hold the bulb and the other to drink beer until the whole room starts to spin.
----------------------------
Thursday Dec 18 2008
Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
Top 9 Things PMS Stands For:
1 Pass My Shotgun
2 Pack My Stuff
3 Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid Section
5 People Make Me Sick
6 Provide Me with Sweets
7 Pardon My Sobbing
8 Pimples May Surface
9 Plainly; Men Suck
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?
----------------------------
Wednesday Dec 17 2008
T-SHIRTS FOR PEOPLE WHO TAKE
NO CRAP:
1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4. Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first
time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk AND piss you off at the same
time.
7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
9. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the
bodies.
10. Guys have feelings too. But like . . . who cares?
11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12. Next mood swing . . . 6 minutes.
13. I hate everybody and you're next.
14. Please don't make me kill you.
15. And your point is . . . ?
16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
17. All stressed out and no one to choke.
18. I'd ask if I cared.
----------------------------
Tuesday Dec 16 2008
Oil Changing Instructions for Women:
Oil
Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner
and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in
hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her
overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
----------------------------
Thursday Dec 11 2008
A man is at work one day
when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows
his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about
his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
----------------------------
Wednesday Dec 10 2008
A man woke up one morning to
find a gorilla on his roof, so he looked in the yellow pages and sure
enough, there was an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He called the
number, and the gorilla remover said he'd be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrived with a van containing a ladder, a baseball
bat, a shotgun and a mean little dog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going
to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball
bat. When the gorilla falls off, the little dog is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me
to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He handed the shotgun to the homeowner. Who asked, "What's the
shotgun for?"
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
----------------------------
Monday Dec 8 2008
TALKING
CLOCK
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big
brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the
guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the
drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his
astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it
work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the
drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound,
and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
a**hole, it's three o'clock in the morning!"
----------------------------
Friday Dec 5 2008
Police
today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious
when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called
"beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid
form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by
female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them.
Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these
"beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a
simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several
"beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often
men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible
headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.
Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings
in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females
have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a
punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more
sus! ceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you
know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the
predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups
exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected,
like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow
Pages under "Golf Courses."
----------------------------
Thursday Dec 4 2008
As
we age, our priorities change.
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in
very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you
want!"
So, I tied her up and went fishing.
----------------------------
Wednesday Dec 3 2008
Women's Lingo4. We need =
I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all
you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex
with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have
sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with
you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
----------------------------
Tuesday Dec 2 2008
One day
God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to
Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a
time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel
and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.
The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being
good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good,
because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something
to help them keep going.
Do you know what the E-mail said?
I was just wondering, I didn't get one either.......
----------------------------
Monday Dec 1 2008
Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response, until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent over to pick up the bell, and all the other bells went off.
