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Monday Sept 30 2007
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing, make yourself a cocktail and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so GLAD I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson."
----------------------------
Saturday Sept 29 2007
IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIREE'S WANDERING MIND
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken
----------------------------
Friday Sept 28 2007
Another Blonde Joke
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man
on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money ...
----------------------------
Thursday Sept 27 2007
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas .
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Jack Buckley (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A C AR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YE ARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Older People Rock!
----------------------------
Tuesday Sept 25 2007
So, it's this little lads birthday and his dad ask's him what he would like.
Well, I'd really like a tractor if you can find one, says the lad.
Comes the day and he gets his tractor, he plays with it all the time, really loves it.
Along comes the next birthday, and the next and the next until he's 21, every year the same, he wants a tractor
By this time he's six foot six and weighs 450 pounds.
As he's about to become 21 his dad asks again what he would like, another tractor?
Well actually dad I'm getting sick of tractors, I'd like some CD's, DVD's or some book tokens.
Taken aback his dad says, OK, lets go to town and you can pick what you like.
As they walk down the street they see a commotion and as they get closer they see a house on fire and people are stuck upstairs.
The lad, seeing all the smoke, rushes to the house, opens his mouth and takes a big breath in.
This draws all the smoke and fumes out the house allowing the firemen to get in and rescue the family.
The fire chief come over to him and say's well done, but how did you do that? Oh that's easy, says the lad,
I'm a big extractor fan!
----------------------------
Monday Sept 24 2007
A Riddle
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *
----------------------------
Sunday Sept 23 2007
HOW TO
STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's
workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a
foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away.
Be well everyone....Steve Bamford
----------------------------
Saturday Sept 22 2007
The
old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been
lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he
was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the
peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches
and headed to town. Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he
took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous
blond in a sheer robe answered the door.
In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for
you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really
nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she
opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said, "Are those
peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good
peaches." So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no
panties.
She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like
this?" The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh yes,
they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato
crop and the weevels ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me
out of my peaches."
----------------------------
Friday Sept 21 2007
Gas Pumping Tips from someone in the Petroleum pipeline business!!
I've been in petroleum pipeline business for about 31 years, currently working for the Kinder-Morgan Pipeline here in San Jose , CA . We deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period from the pipe line; one day it's diesel, the next day it's jet fuel and gasoline. We have 34 storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 gallons. Here are some tricks to help you get your money's worth.
1. Fill up your car or truck in the morning when the temperature is still cool. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground; and the colder the ground, the denser the gasoline. When it gets warmer gasoline expands, so if you're filling up in the afternoon or in the evening, what should be a gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and temperature of the fuel (gasoline, diesel, jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products) are significant. Every truckload that we load is temperature-compensated so that the indicated gallonage is actually the amount pumped. A one-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for businesses, but service stations don't have temperature compensation at their pumps .
2. If a tanker truck is filling the station's tank at the time you want to buy gas, do not fill up; most likely dirt and sludge in the tank is being stirred up when gas is being delivered, and you might be transferring that dirt from the bottom of their tank into your car's tank .
3. Fill up when your gas tank is half-full (or half-empty), because the more gas you have in your tank the less air there is and gasoline evaporates rapidly, especially when it's warm. (Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating 'roof' membrane to act as a barrier between the gas and the atmosphere, thereby minimizing evaporation .)
4. If you look at the trigger you'll see that it has three delivery settings: slow, medium and high. When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to the high setting. You should be pumping at the slow setting, thereby minimizing vapours created while you are pumping. Hoses at the pump are corrugated; the corrugations act as a return path for vapour recovery from gas that already has been metered. If you are pumping at the high setting, the agitated gasoline contains more vapour, which is being sucked back into the underground tank so you're getting less gas for your money .
Hope this will help ease your 'pain at the pump'.
----------------------------
Thursday Sept 20 2007
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half
an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts
crying.
'Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY? I can't stand to see a man crying.'
'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right.'
I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I
don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my
life, and then you show up and drink the d*mn poison.
----------------------------
Wednesday Sept 19 2007
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons
Why Golf Is Better Than Sex.....
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8.. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7.. Foursomes are encouraged.
#6... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5... Three times a day is possible
#4... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#3... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost everyday.
#2... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#1.. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it!
----------------------------
Tuesday Sept 18 2007
WIFE FROM HELL
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Darnit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking."
----------------------------
Monday Sept 17 2007
Mood
Ring
My Husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other
day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a
big friggin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
----------------------------
Sunday Sept 16 2007
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on
their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the head to show them what I
am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed
and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working
according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My
only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and
smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant,
and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due
to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
----------------------------
Saturday Sept 15 2007
A woman was weed-eating her lawn. She accidentally cut off the tail of her favorite cat.
She immediately rushed her cat along with the tail over to the new Super WalMart!
You might ask, why WalMart?
(scroll down)
Walmart is the largest retailer in town!
----------------------------
Friday Sept 14 2007
A Tale of Two Prawns
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called
Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian
immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates
simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a
prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not
involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the
gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories
came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."
(You're going to love this.....)
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
----------------------------
Thursday Sept 13 2007
It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of
the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
----------------------------
Wednesday Sept 12 2007
Pavarotti knocks on the Pearly Gates.
St Peter opens them and says "Oh Luciano, it's you, Come on in - squeeze through".
Pavarotti says "I have a letter from the Pope for you".
St Peter opens it up and reads it.
"Here's that tenor I owe you".
----------------------------
Tuesday Sept 11 2007
BUYING GIFTS FOR MEN
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated
as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already
has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man,
you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George,
can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with
my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer, or something to hang from his
rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.
I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have
invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.
If you have a lot of money buy your man a
big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he
flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a
cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.
I'm told they do not stink---they are earthy.
Rule #8:
Buy men label makers...almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of
weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks.
Shorts. Cups. Saucers.
Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one
knows why.
Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the
box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home
Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (
Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook---but they will barbecue.
Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas
line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge!
Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate
tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.
Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't
know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label
maker.
Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.
Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one
knows why.
Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the
Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.
No one knows why.
----------------------------
Monday Sept 10 2007
One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."
----------------------------
Sunday Sept 9 2007
THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST:
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge
of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be
beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When
the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of
150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an
outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the
engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.
----------------------------
Friday Sept 7 2007
Never Discount Wisdom When the Outcome Is Important!
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless club as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf and I consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole (she was closest to the pin.)
The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said,
"Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don't listen to the kid,
darlin'. You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a
gimme, sweetheart."
The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
----------------------------
Thursday Sept 6 2007
Miss Molly asks the kids of the second grade "How long can a man live without sleep ?"
Bob on the first row replies : "24 hours" .
"Good" says the teacher .
Luke on the second row says "48 hours" .
"Good" says the teacher again . Then she turns to Fred who's daydreaming again "So,
Fred, how long do you think ?"
"I think" he says pensive "Three weeks minus a quarter of an hour".
"I should have known" sighs the teacher "That you would give another of your stupid answers".
"Look miss" Leroy replies "You can say whatever you want but last I heard my dad say to my mom : today we're going to bed 15 minutes earlier cos it's been 3 weeks".
----------------------------
Wednesday Sept 5 2007
A big-city lawyer was
representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The
rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad
passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to
get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and
finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After
the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher,
"You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you
in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and
the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that
morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I
was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned
bull came home this morning."
----------------------------
Tuesday Sept 4 2007
The US Department of the
Interior had to change the wording on the metal bands they used to tag
migratory birds. Seems these bands used to have the address of the
Washington Biological Survey abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."
One day they received a letter from a hunter in Alabama:
Dear Sirs:
Last week I shot one of your birds. It might have been a crow. I
followed the cooking directions on the leg tag. Let me tell you, It
was AWFUL!
The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."
----------------------------
Saturday Sept 1 2007
Oil
Changing Instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil
Change Instructions for Men:
1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and
a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole
in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket
surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along
with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant
chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
