Aircraft Resource Center

                                 

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Tuesday Oct 30  2007

One day a guy died and found himself in hell.  As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.  The demon asked, "Why so glum?"  The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"  "Hell's not so bad," the demon said.  "We actually have a lot of fun down here.  You a drinking man?"  "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."   "Well you're gonna love Mondays then.  On Mondays all we do is drink.  Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca.  We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"   The guy is astounded.   "Damn, that sounds great."   "You a smoker?" the demon asked.  "You better believe it!"  "You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"   "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"   The demon continued.  "I bet you like to gamble."   "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."   "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.  Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever.  If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.   You into drugs?"   The guy said, "Are you kidding?  I love drugs!  You don't mean..."  "That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack.   Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.  You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"   "Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"  The demon said, "You gay?"   "No."    "Ooooh, you're gonna' hate Fridays."

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Monday Oct 29  2007

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job.  According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits. 

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain. 

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.  

 8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steam roller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

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Sunday Oct 28  2007

1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
3. When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
4. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
5. What's another word for synonym?
6. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
7. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
8. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
9. Where do forest rangers go to " get away from it all"?
10. Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

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Saturday Oct 27  2007

This appeared in the current issue of Australian Aviation Magazine (June 2000?).....

 RULES OF THE AIR

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops,
you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they
can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane
going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide
out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.  Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag
of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear
is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the
ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a
tenth of a second ago.

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Friday Oct 26  2007

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are. The girl responds:
"Which one?

We have:

Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95;

Volleyball Barbie: £19.95;

Shopping Barbie: £19.95;

Surfer Barbie: £19.95;

Disco Barbie: £19.95; and

Divorced Barbie: £299.95


Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds:

"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":

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Thursday Oct 25  2007

Things It Takes Most Of Us 50 years to learn:

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Your true friends love you, anyway.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

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Wednesday Oct 24  2007

Why do Bag Pipers walk when they play the Bag Pipe?

To get away from the sound.

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Tuesday Oct 23  2007

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

 Q: Are you sexually active?
 A: No, I just lie there.

 Q: What is your date of birth?
 A: July fifteenth.
 Q: What year?
 A: Every year.

 Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 A: I forget.
 Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

 Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
 A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 Q: How long has he lived with you?
 A: Forty-five years.

 Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
 A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 Q: And why did that upset you?
 A: My name is Susan.

 Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
 A: We both do.
 Q: Voodoo?
 A: We do.
 Q: You do?
 A: Yes, voodoo.

 Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


 Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?


 Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


 Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 A: Yes.
 Q: And what were you doing at that time?


 Q: She had three children, right?
 A: Yes.
 Q: How many were boys?
 A: None.
 Q: Were there any girls?


 Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
 A: By death.
 Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


 Q: Can you describe the individual?
 A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 Q: Was this a male, or a female?

 Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
 A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


 Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


 Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
 A: Oral.


 Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
 A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


 Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


 Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 A: No.
 Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
 A: No.
 Q: Did you check for breathing?
 A: No.
 Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
 A: No.
 Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
 A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Monday Oct 22  2007

Visit to the Doctor

The doctor was examining a young blonde model who was having terrible pain in her abdomen.

"My dear, you have acute appendicitis," the doctor said.

The woman became quite angry and said, "Don't try hitting on me doctor, I just want to be examined, not complimented."
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Playing Trivial Pursuit with a Blonde

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

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Sunday Oct 21  2007

***Things you do NOT say to an officer!***

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay,just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.  That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"  You  probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been   eating doughnuts?"

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Friday Oct 19  2007

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver, 'Why don't you let me drive for once?'  The driver thinks to himself, 'Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope.' So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, 'slow down a bit, you might get pulled over.'  The Pope says, 'Ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope.' So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, 'oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute.'  The Pope says, 'Sure.'  The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says, 'guys I just pulled over some one really important.'  They ask who, 'The President?.'  'No more important.'  'The president of another country.'  'No more important.'
'An ambassador.'  'No even more important.' 'Well who is it?'  'I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur.'  

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Thursday Oct 18  2007

Parrot and Dog,

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. 

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike"

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Tuesday Oct 16  2007

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1.      What are you thinking about?

2.      Do you love me?

3.      Do I look fat?

4.      Do you think she is prettier than me?

5.      What would you do if I died?

 

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells thetruth).  Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, with possible responses.

____________________________________________________

Question # 1:  What are you thinking about?

 

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

 

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a.      Baseball.

b.      Football.

c.      How fat you are.

d.      How much prettier she is than you.

e.      How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

 

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

_______________________________________________

Question # 2:  Do you love me?

 

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

 

Inappropriate responses include:

a.   Oh Yeah, shit-loads.

b.   Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c.   That depends on what you mean by love.

d.   Does it matter?

e.   Who, me?

____________________________________________________

Question # 3:  Do I look fat?

 

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

 

Among the incorrect answers are:

a.   Compared to what?

b.   I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c.   A little extra weight looks good on you.

d.   I've seen fatter.

e.   Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

____________________________________________________

Question # 4:  Do you think she's prettier than me?

 

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

 

Incorrect responses include:

a.   Yes, but you have a better personality

b.   Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c.   Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d.   Define pretty

e.   Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

____________________________________________________

Question # 5:  What would you do if I died?

 

A definite no-win question.  (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").

 

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

 

WOMAN:  Would you get married again?

MAN:    Definitely not!

WOMAN:  Why not-don't you like being married?

MAN:    Of course I do.

WOMAN:  Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN:    Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN:  You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: ( makes audible groan )

WOMAN:  Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN:    Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN:  Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

MAN:    That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN:  And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN:    She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN:  - - - silence - - -

MAN:    sh*t.  

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Monday Oct 15  2007

The Golden Wedding Anniversary

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.  A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn't gone too far when my WIFE'S mule stumbled.  "My wife quietly said, 'That's once.' 

"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again.  Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.  My wife took a pistol from her pocket and shot him.

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

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Sunday Oct 14  2007

50 Things Women Would Do To Drive Men Crazy...

1. Do not say what you mean. Ever.
2. Be ambiguous. Always.
3. Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
4. Bring things up that were said, done, or thought months or years ago.
5. Make them apologize for everything.
6. Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
7. Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
8. Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them.  Smile.
9. Look them in the eye and start laughing.
10. Cry.
11. Get mad at them for everything.
12. Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
13. Hold grudges.
14. Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
15. When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at face value.
16. Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
17. Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
18. Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
19. Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing alone.  Independence is a sign of weakness.
20. Cry.
21. Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're wrong.
22. Plan little relationship anniversaries, i. e. the monthly anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library. . . for five minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
23. Fall for your FAC.
24. Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
25. Correct their grammar.
26. Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother or little sister.

27. Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of their answer.

28. Leave out the good parts in stories.

29. Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship group. Make sure to cause trouble.

30. Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.

31. Cry.

32. Declare that you are not wacko.

33. Criticize the way they dress.

34. Criticize the music they listen to.

35. Criticize their hair.

36. Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they don't know, you're not going to tell them.

37. Try to change them.

38. Try to mold them.

39. Try to get them to dance.

40. Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance when confronted.

41. When they screw up, never let them forget it.

42. Make them stay at religious services until they are close to fainting. Just because.

43. Blame everything on PMS.

44. Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.

45. Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"

46. Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a half inch.

47. Read into everything.

48. Over-analyze everything.

49. Cry.

50. Make it your goal to make THEM cry

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Saturday Oct 13  2007

A guy walks into a bar just before closing with a pair of jumper cables  wrapped around his neck and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, but don't you go starting anything."

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Friday Oct 12  2007

MONEY

It can buy a house
......... But not a Home

It can buy a  bed
......... But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
.......... But not Time

It can buy you a Book
......... But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
......... But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
.......... But not Health

It can buy you Blood
.......... But not Life

It can buy you Sex
.......... But not Love

So you see my friend, money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.

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Thursday Oct 11  2007

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.
First woman-- "I froze to death.
Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

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Wednesday Oct 10  2007

A Guy Named Roger


 The value of effective communication in a meaningful relationship.......

 A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
   
 And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?
   
 And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of commitment that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
   
 And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
   
 And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
   
 And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
   
 And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
 fantasy.
  
 And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
   
 "Roger", Elaine says aloud.
   
 "What?", says Roger, startled.
   
 "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have .. Oh God, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
   
 "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
   
 "There's no horse?" says Roger.
   
 "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
   
 "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
   
 "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time", Elaine says.
   
 (There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
   
 "Yes," he says.
   
 (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
   
 "Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
   
 "What way?" says Roger.
   
 "That way about time," says Elaine.
   
 "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
   
 (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
   
 "Thank you, Roger", she says.
   
 "Thank you," says Roger.
   
 Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the
 car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
   
 The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
 every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
   
 Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, you've known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a horse?"

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Monday Oct 8  2007

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

MARIA : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.


Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".


GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I wan! t to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".


 Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

 Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

 Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.  The others all died".

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Sunday Oct 7  2007

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.   When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, so it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.  So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two mugs.   All the regulars  take notice and fall silent.  When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs.  "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife made me join the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.  Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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Saturday Oct 6  2007

Oil Changing Instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

 

Oil Change Instructions for Men:

1. Go to store, spend $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2. Get home to discover that the used oil container is full.
3. Instead of taking it to local repair garage for recycling, dump in hole in back yard.
4. Open a beer and drink it.
5. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
6. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
7. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
8. Place drain pan under engine.
9. Look for 9/16th box end wrench.
10. give up and use crescent wrench.
11. Unscrew drain plug.
12. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil ; get hot oil on you in process.
13. Clean up mess.
14. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
15. Look for oil filter wrench.
16. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
17. Beer.
18. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
19. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
20. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
21. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
22. Walk to 7 Eleven; buy beer.
23. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
24. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
25. Remember drain plug from step 11.
26. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
27. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
28. Drink Beer.
29. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
30. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
31. Drink beer.
32. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
33. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
34. Begin cussing a fit.
35. Throw wrench.
36. Swear 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss July (1992) in her overabundant chest.
36. Beer.
37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38. Beer.
39. Beer.
40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41. Beer.
42. Lower car from jack stands.
43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45. Beer
46. Test drive car.
47. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
48. Car gets impounded.
49. Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

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Friday Oct 5  2007

15 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person (This is very important.  Pay attention. It never fails.)

13. Your friends love you anyway.

14. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark.  A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

15. Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the stupidity out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

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Thursday Oct 4  2007

This is an old urban legend.....but it is an amusing read.

Cop this for a speeding ticket... 

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road. 

One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it. 

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district. 

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. 

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style. "Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your 'hostile radar equipment' and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched". 

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Wednesday Oct 3  2007

IMPORTANT SURVIVAL INFORMATION
 
 For all hikers;
 
The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the area. We advise that people wear noise producing devices such as little bells
on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly.  We also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity.  People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
 
 Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.

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Tuesday Oct 2  2007

David received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an swear word.  Those that weren't swear words were, to say the least, very rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream.  Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute.  David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.  I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did?"

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Monday Oct 1  2007

Quarters

A young boy enters the barber shop and Bill the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" 

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns! He's got to be the dumbest kid in the world" . 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" 

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!!!!" 

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