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Friday Nov 30 2007
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION BULLETIN
MATERIAL DATA SAFETY SHEETWOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT : Woman
SYMBOL : Wo
DISCOVERER : Adam
ATOMIC MASS : Accepted as 53.6Kg, may vary from 40 - 200Kg
OCCURRENCE : Copious numbers in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
COMMON USES
OTHER PROPERTIES
MEMO
To: All cat lovers
From: A concerned friend
Subj: How to wash the cat
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet and remove the thing that makes the water blue.
2. Add an appropriate amount of shampoo, based upon the size of the cat, to the
toilet water. Leave both lids up.
3. Retrieve the cat and soothe him/her as you carry him/her towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and immediately close both
lids.
NOTE: You may need to stand on the lid.
CAUTION: Do not allow any part of your body to come too close to the edge of the
toilet, as claws will be reaching for anything they can find.
5. Wait while the cat self-agitates, making ample suds.
NOTE: Disregard the noises coming from your toilet. The cat does actually enjoy
this.
6. Flush the toilet three or four times to provide a "power-wash" and
"rinse," which is quite effective.
7. Have someone open a door to the outside and ensure that there are no people
or other living things between the toilet and the outside world.
8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
Consider using a towel or belt from a bathrobe to lift the lids. (See
"CAUTION" on item number 4.)
9. The cat will fly from the toilet, and run outside where he will thoroughly
dry himself with no further assistance.
Good luck. This really does work!
Sincerely,
The Dog
----------------------------
Wednesday Nov 28 2007
It was a foggy,
busy "rush-hour" morning at LaGuardia. A US Air flight was
taxiing to the active when they made a wrong turn and came nose-to-nose with a
United 727. The irate ground controller (a woman) lashed out at the US Air
crew, screaming and shouting on the ground control frequency. She ended
her tirade with, "You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a
half hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
how I tell you. You got that, US Air?"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am."
The frequency went terribly silent, and no one wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Finally, after what appeared to be an
eternity, an unknown captain from another airline, came up on the frequency.
"Wasn't I married to you, once?" he asked.
----------------------------
Tuesday Nov 27 2007
Count the # of F's in the
following text:
"FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS."
Managed it?
Scroll down only after you have counted them okay?!
How many? 3?
Wrong there are 6!! -no joke.
Read it again.
The reasoning is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF."
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all 6 "F"s on the first go is a genius!!
Three is normal, four is quite rare!!
----------------------------
Monday Nov 26 2007
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson
One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I
was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys?
We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I
don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said,
"Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
[dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh,
yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime." The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact
my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work
but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had
solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer
reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the
end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They
demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1. Knowing where to put it: $49,999.
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical
engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet."
Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to
spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with
his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist
said he enjoyed
time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The
engineer said, "I like having both." "Both?" Engineer:
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work
done."
Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried
out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you
and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss
me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time
for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog......now THAT's cool."
----------------------------
Sunday Nov 25 2007
A slightly different
twist on the rocks and sand story.......
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar
and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then
asked the students if the jar was full?
They agreed that it
was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas
between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into
the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now,"
said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The
rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your
children - things that if everything else was lost and only they
remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things
that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything
else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first,
there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If
you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room
for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that
are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get
medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go
to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."
"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
priorities. The rest is just sand."
A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed
was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled
the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
No matter how full your life is... THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR BEER
----------------------------
Saturday Nov 24 2007
Wrong Distance
A man called home and the maid answered the phone. "Let me speak to my
wife," he says. The maid says that she is busy. He says he doesn't care and
insists the maid go get her. The maid then says, "I'm sorry sir, but she
said not to disturb her." The man gets very angry and says, "I pay
your salary, you go get her NOW!"
The poor maid breaks down and says she can't because his wife is in bed with
another man. The husband is furious and tells the maid to go get his gun and
shoot them both! She insists she could never do that. So the man says he will
give her $10,000 if she will do it. She finally agrees, puts the phone down, is
gone for a few minutes, then comes back and asks what she should do with the
bodies. After thinking for a moment the man says, "Throw them in the
pool." The maid says, "We don't HAVE a pool!"
The man says, "Is this 968-4877??"
----------------------------
Friday Nov 23 2007
DOCTORS HAVE GOOD STORIES, TOO
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed
that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was performing a complete physical including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now
both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned
and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what
he hoped he wouldn't see; the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the
instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the
obvious!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was
alive."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was caring for a woman in the hospital and asked, "So how's
your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have
Viagra?" Yes," he answered. She
asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it
over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.
----------------------------
Thursday Nov 22 2007
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft
use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
----------------------------
Wednesday Nov 21 2007
The angry wife met
her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his
collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good
reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied,
"Breakfast."
----------------------------
Tuesday Nov 20 2007
A man needs to get an artificial eye
due to a work injury. The eye doctor shows him a glass eye and a wooden
eye. He can only afford the wooden eye so he buys it. He is
embarrassed to have a wooden eye and doesn't socialize. He hears of a
handicap dance and decides that he would risk going, thinking that no one
would make fun of him at the dance since they have disabilities too.
When he gets to the dance he sees a beautiful young lady with a peg leg that no
one has asked to dance. He walks up to her and says, "Would you like
to dance?"
She says, "Would I?!"
Panicking, he yells back at her, "PEG LEG!!!"
----------------------------
Monday Nov 19 2007
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,
tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each
question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
__________________________________________________
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,
which most likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing.
b. Baseball.
c. Football.
d. How fat you are.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I
would be talking to you."
________________________________________________
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer
is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
__________________________________________________
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
___________________________________________________
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course
not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"?
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
___________________________________________________
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is
"Buy a Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be
prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the
these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why, not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace
them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: damn!
----------------------------
Saturday Nov 17 2007
1) I married Miss Right. I just
didn't know her first name was Always.
2) I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
3) Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
4) The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on TV?" I
said, "Dust!"
5) In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
6) Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
7) What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
8) A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten in four days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."
9) Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
10) Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
11) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
Next day he received one hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."
12) The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
13) First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still
alive."
14) How do men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for
free.
15) Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
16) If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
17) Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married, and then it was too late."
18) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm
still paying."
----------------------------
Friday Nov 16 2007
How many psychiatrists does it take
to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
----------------------------
Thursday Nov 15 2007
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
----------------------------
Wednesday Nov 14 2007
Signs You're Canadian
You only know three
spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the
ground
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but
requires 6 pages for hockey
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof
You find -40C a little chilly
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
----------------------------
Tuesday Nov 13 2007
Well, folks, it has finally
happened. The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take
revenge on the brunettes:
WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage
WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price
WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache
----------------------------
Sunday Nov 11 2007
First day at school
Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha
Cothren, a
social studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little
Rock,
Arkansas did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of
school,
with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and
the
building supervisor, she removed all of the desks out of her
classroom. When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that
there
were no desks.
Looking around, confused, they asked, "Ms. Cothren, where're
our desks?"
She replied, "You can't have a desk until you tell me what you
have done
to earn the right to sit at a desk."
They thought, "Well, maybe it's our grades."
"No," she said.
"Maybe it's our behavior?" She told them, "No, it's
not even your
behavior."
And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third
period. Still no desks in the classroom. By early afternoon
television
news crews had started gathering in Ms. Cothren's classroom to
report
about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her
room.
The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found
seats
on the floor of the deskless classroom, Martha Cothren said,
"Throughout
the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to
earn
the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this
classroom. Now I am going to tell you."
At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom
and
opened it. Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Veterans, all in uniforms, walked
into
that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began
placing
the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand
alongside the wall.
By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those
kids
started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just
how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.
Martha said, "You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks.
These
heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it's
up
to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be
good
students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could
have the freedom to get an education. Don't ever forget it."
----------------------------
Saturday Nov 10 2007
Women's Bumper Stickers
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
----------------------------
Friday Nov 9 2007
A couple of hunters are out in the
woods when one of them has a heart attack and falls to the ground. He
doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm
soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure
he's dead."
.... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back
on the line.
He says, "OK, now what?"
----------------------------
Thursday Nov 8 2007
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 AM. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
----------------------------
Wednesday Nov 7 2007
A funeral service is being held for
a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall
bearers accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A
ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the
pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall".
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Tuesday Nov 6 2007
A young guy goes into a pharmacy and asks for a box of condoms. Well, we have 2 kinds, responded the attendant: One for bachelors and one for married men.
What's the difference? the client asks..
Well, the one for single men, has only 7 pcs inside. 7? the customer asks. Why?
Well, one for every day of the week, tells the pharmacist.
And the one for married men? How many condoms are there?
12, responds the pharmacist. 12? More than for single men's box?
That's right, young man... One for every month of the year.....
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Monday Nov 5 2007
Fred is feeling rather alone at the party , as he hardly knows a soul there , so he decides to engage in some friendly conversation with the boys. He goes up to one chap , nudges him and says, "Look at that woman over there with the tray of sandwiches. Have you ever in all your puff seen anything so ugly? Legs like Californian redwoods, arms like an orangutan, more chins than a Chinese phone-book and hair that looks as though she scrubs the saucepans with it!".
"That lady", says his new acquaintance, "Is my wife".
Fred is a little taken aback and doesn't know what to say, but finally says "I'm sorry".
"YOU'RE sorry?! " says the husband. "How do you think I feel?".
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Sunday Nov 4 2007
A young Scottish lad and his lassie
were sitting on a low stone wall holding hands and just gazing out over the
loch. For several minutes they sat silently; then finally the girl looked
at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He
blushed as well and then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin.......perhaps its noo aboot time
for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed then leaned over and cuddled him
for a few seconds. Again, like her, he blushed. Then the two turned
once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke once
again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on
your leg." The girl blushed then took his hand and put it on
her knee. Again, he too blushed and they continued to once again gaze out over
the loch. After a while the girl once more spoke. "Another
penny for your thoughts, Angus." The lad knit his brow and
adjusted his kilt. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a
bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl
in a whisper filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the
boy. The girl looked away in shyness, began to really blush, and bit her
lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three
pennies?"
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Saturday Nov 3 2007
A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're flying on Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste....." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna' be something special and exclusive. But it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the whole city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it."
A month later, the
woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser
asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was absolutely wonderful,"
explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one of
Continental's brand new jets, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to
first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old
steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-- it was fabulous!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the
finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and
gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well,"
muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get
to see the Pope." '"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured
the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me." Sure
enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my
hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"
He said, "Where did you get that crummy hairdo?"
----------------------------
Friday Nov 2 2007
WHY PARENTS HAVE GRAY HAIR!
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent
problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss
asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the
small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the
surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting
to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "no". Knowing that it was not
likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would
just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the
child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the
child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy",
whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman", came the whispered
answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded
like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the
whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now
alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search
team just landed the hello-copper". Alarmed, concerned and more than
just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching
for"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"Me."
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