----------------------------

Saturday Mar 31  2007

"What's the matter?" Jack asked. 

"I've been transferred to New Orleans and there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It is not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world." 

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm the tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

----------------------------

Friday Mar 30  2007

7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this l ist. 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

----------------------------

Thursday Mar 29  2007

THE EYES: ! 
When you rearrange the letters: 
THEY SEE 

GEORGE BUSH: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
HE BUGS GORE 

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters: 
HERE COME DOTS 

SLOT MACHINES: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
CASH LOST IN ME 

ANIMOSITY: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
IS NO AMITY 

ELECTION RESULTS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT 

SNOOZE ALARMS: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S 

A DECIMAL POINT: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
IM A DOT IN PLACE 

THE EARTHQUAKES: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
THAT QUEER SHAKE 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
TWELVE PLUS ONE 


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: 

MOTHER-IN-LAW: 
When you rearrange the letters: 
WOMAN HITLER 

----------------------------

Wednesday Mar 28  2007

That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy! what'cha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duct tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks".

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up, I'll get my hat."  

----------------------------

Tuesday Mar 27  2007

 And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
   
 And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
   
 And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
   
 And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
   
 And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
 fantasy.
  
 And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
   
 "Roger", Elaine says aloud.
   
 "What?", says Roger, startled.
   
 "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have .. Oh God, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
   
 "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
   
 "There's no horse?" says Roger.
   
 "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
   
 "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
   
 "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time", Elaine says.
   
 (There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
   
 "Yes," he says.
   
 (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
   
 "Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
   
 "What way?" says Roger.
   
 "That way about time," says Elaine.
   
 "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
   
 (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
   
 "Thank you, Roger", she says.
   
 "Thank you," says Roger.
   
 Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
   
 The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
 every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
   
 Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, you've known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a horse?"

----------------------------

Monday Mar 26  2007

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" 

The sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." 

----------------------------

Sunday Mar 25  2007

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping Barelyable to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

----------------------------

Saturday Mar 24  2007

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ?What?d he do?"
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.?
9) DEATH
While w walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

----------------------------

Friday Mar 23  2007

The Missionary  
 A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to arm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.  

He points to a tree and tells the chief, this is a tree. The chief  looks at the tree and grunts "tree". The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says "this is a rock" at which the chief looks and grunts "rock".
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "riding a bike". The chief  looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun, and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent  years teaching the tribe how to be civilized, and to be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people?  

The chief replied "my bike". 

----------------------------

Thursday Mar 22  2007

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. 

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike"

----------------------------

Tuesday Mar 20  2007

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." 

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!

Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "For goodness' sake Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"

----------------------------

Monday Mar 19  2007

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons." 

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both judges." 

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals. 

----------------------------
Sunday Mar 18  2007

The boss told four of his employees, "We had a heavy loss last quarter, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to let one of you go."

The first, a black man, said, "I'm a protected minority, you can't fire me."

The second said, "And I'm a woman. You can't get rid of me." 

The third, an old man, said, "And if you fire me, I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin!"

All eyes turned to the young, white, male employee, who thought for a second before suggesting meekly, "I think I might be gay..."

There's this Belgian spending his holiday in Morocco . On one of the excursions to a small village he walks to a Moroccan sitting on a terrace and ...

Belgian : Say, nice dog you got there . Can I talk to him?

Moroccan : Dog not speak.

Belgian : Hey dog, how's things?

Dog : I'm fine, how about you?

Moroccan : ( astonished )

Belgian : Good, is this your boss ?

Dog : Yup !

Belgian : And he treats you well ?

Dog : Very well, the food's good, he often walks me out and once a week we go to play at the oasis .

Moroccan : ( bewildered )

Belgian : Can I say a few words to your horse ?

Moroccan : Horse not speak .

Belgian : Hi horse . How are you ?

Horse : Hi Belgian, I'm fine .

Moroccan : ( almost in shock )

Belgian : Is this your boss too ?

Horse : Yep !

Belgian : And how is he treating you ?

Horse : Very well . Great food and a long ride every day .

Moroccan : ( total disbelief )

Belgian : Can I talk to the sheep ?

Moroccan : Sheep lies .

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass is it?"

Again the little boy agreed.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement 
A: A whine cellar.

Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? 
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? 
A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort? 
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. "I don't understand," Cindy complained. "When people find out I'm a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?" Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, "Maybe it just saves time."

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "Let's be honest with each other." 
"Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anaesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

"Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first." You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

----------------------------
Wednesday Mar 14  2007

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.  While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." 

----------------------------
Tuesday Mar 13  2007

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her
a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to able you to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said,
"Wear sun-block."

Military rules:

US Marine Corps Rules:

• Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
• Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
• Have a plan.
• Have a back-up plan.
• Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
• Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a 4."
• Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap.
• Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
• Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
• Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
• Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
• In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
• If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
• Remember, when all else fails, an entrenching tools primary purpose is NOT for digging holes but cleaving skulls.
  

• Look very cool in sunglasses.
• Kill every living thing within view.
• Adjust speedo.
• Check hair in mirror.
  

US Army Rangers Rules:

• Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
• Locate individuals requiring killing.
• Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
• Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
• Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving. 

US Army Rules:

• Select a new beret to wear.
• Sew patches on right shoulder.
• Come up with a new patch to cover that section of blouse that still shows what color it was.
• Create another new badge for something like "mouse-pad" expert to go with all the rest of the "expert" badges.
• Change the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force Rules:

• Have a cocktail.
• Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
• See what's on HBO.
• Ask "what is a gunfight?"
• Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" PowerPoint presentation.
• Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
• Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
• Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally.
• Hurry to make 1345 tee-time.

US Navy Rules:

• Go to Sea.
• Drink Coffee.
• Watch porn.
• Deploy the Marines.

----------------------------
Sunday Mar 11  2007

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples,  not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years  old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of  us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina state anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used tomato can for a carburator.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

ALL OF THE  ABOVE ARE TRUE!

----------------------------
Saturday Mar 10  2007

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A "BLUE NECK" IF:


1.  You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."

2.  You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3.  You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce"  correctly.

4.  For breakfast, you prefer potato au gratin to grits.

5.  You don't know what moon pie is.

6.  You've never had an RC Cola.

7.  You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8.  You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9.  You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10.  You have no idea what a polecat is.

11.  You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12.  You don't have bangs.

13.  You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14.  More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15.  You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16.  Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

17.  You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18.  You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19.  You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20.  You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21.  The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an onramp to the highway.

22.  You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23.  The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24.  You call binoculars opera glasses.

25.  You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26.  You would never wear pink or an appliqué sweatshirt.

27.  You don't know what appliqué is.

28.  You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e.  Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.)

29.  You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

30.  You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

31.  You can do your laundry without quarters.

32.  None of your fur coats are homemade.

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?

SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

Top 9 Things PMS Stands For:

1 Pass My Shotgun

2 Pack My Stuff

3 Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid Section

5 People Make Me Sick

6 Provide Me with Sweets

7 Pardon My Sobbing

8 Pimples May Surface

9 Plainly; Men Suck

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE! 

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?

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Thursday Mar 8  2007

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? 
A: He'll tell you. 

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? 
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot. 

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"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave." 

"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!" 

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Wednesday Mar 7  2007

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. 

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. 

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, 
"Yours is." 

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Tuesday Mar 6  2007

Julie Andrews - Priceless! 

Born Julia Elizabeth Wells on October 1st, 1935, in Walton-on-Thames,Surrey. Julie Andrews, to commemorate her 71st birthday on October 1,actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. 
One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." Here are the lyrics she used: 

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting, 
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, 
Bundles of magazines tied up in string, 
These are a few of my favorite things. 

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses, 
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, 
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, 
We remember our favorite things. 

When the pipes leak, 
When the bones creak, 
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things, 
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, 
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, 
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, 
These are a few of my favorite things. 

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin', 
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', 
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, 
When we remember our favorite things. 

When the joints ache, 
When the hips break, 
When the eyes grow dim, 
Then I remember the great life I've had, 
And then I don't feel so bad. 


Ms Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes.

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Monday Mar 5  2007

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some 
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to 
be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small male appendage.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed 
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large 
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

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Sunday Mar 4  2007

(I'll burn in hell for this joke....but at least I'll have all of you there to keep me company)

Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No sh*t?'

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Saturday Mar 3  2007

Teen age sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

NEW DRINK 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" 

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink, invented by  A gynecologist patron of ours. 

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." 

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" 

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir

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Thursday Mar 1  2007

PLEASE DO YOUR PART! 

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.  You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care. 

Well, my job is done !

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.