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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been
told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA JERRY
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough
for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by
chicken? Could you define chicken please?
GEORGE W.BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed
the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and
there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
----------------------------
Friday June 29 2007
For three years, the young
attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The
previous year he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the
stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on
her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten
married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
----------------------------
Monday June 25 2007
Nothing Personal
"I hope you didn't take it
personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church
service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.
"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
----------------------------
Saturday June 23 2007
THE "TWO-COW
EXPLANATION" OF WHAT MAKES....
....A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
....A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
....A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
....A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted
for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous.
....A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
....A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
....DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which
was a gift from your government.
....CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
....BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
....AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of
four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
....AN CANADIAN
CORPORATION:
You have two cows. They both freeze solid during the first winter.
....A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
....A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
....A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once
a month, and milk themselves.
....AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
....A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you
have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
....A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You
take a nap.
....A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing
them for others.
....A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares
bankruptcy.
....AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
....A TALIBAN
You have two cows. You turn them loose in the Afghan "countryside"
and they both die. You blame the godless American infidels.
----------------------------
Friday June 22 2007
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice. "And," she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she takes off everything but her necklace and rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON." She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
----------------------------
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?" The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
----------------------------
Wednesday June 20 2007
Please Note: The male version of this joke is further below
HOW TO SPEAK
ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
*She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
*She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
*She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
*She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
*She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
*She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
*She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
*She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CAREGIVER.
*She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
*She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
*She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
*She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
*She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
*She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
*She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
*She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
*She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK
ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
*He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
*He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
*He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS.
*He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
*He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
*He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
*He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
*He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
*He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
*He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
*He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE
PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
----------------------------
Tuesday June 19 2007
Guy is sitting quietly reading
his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with
a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Mary Lou written
on it," she replies
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on," he explains.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him
with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he
says, "What the
hell was that for?"
"Your horse phoned."
----------------------------
Monday June 18 2007
LESS FAMOUS PROVERBS
1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
3. A day without sunshine is like ... night.
4. On the other hand...................you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
12. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
13. Honk if you love peace & quiet.
14. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so
popular?
15. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
16. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and
blamed it on the cost of living.
17. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
18. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to
end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
19. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
20. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
world's population.
21. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left
by those who got there first.
22. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
23. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
24. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
25. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
26. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
----------------------------
Sunday June 17 2007
Happy Fathers Day!!!
It is a tradition on ARC that I post this each year on Fathers Day.Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
----------------------------
Friday June 15 2007
"OLD" IS
WHEN......Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN......Your friend compliments you on your new
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN......A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN......Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of
your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN......You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
longs as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN......When you are cautioned to slow down by the
doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN......"Getting a little action" means you
don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN......"Getting lucky" means you find your
car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN......An "all nighter" means not getting up
to pee!
----------------------------
Thursday June 14 2007
These are the survey answers
received from dogs when asked "How many dogs
does it take to put in a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got
our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's
busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate
was a light bulb?
----------------------------
Wednesday June 13 2007
SALESMANSHIP
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yah. I vass a salesman beck in Norda Dakota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$121,237.65".
The boss say s "$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, and we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4
Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said,
"Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing"
----------------------------
Tuesday June 12 2007
Ernest Hemingway once wrote of fighter pilots and their planes: You love a lot of things if you live around them. But there isn't any woman and there isn't any horse, nor any before nor any after, that is as lovely as a great airplane. And men who love them are faithful to them even though they leave them for others. Man has one virginity to lose in fighters, and if it is a lovely airplane he loses it to, there is where his heart will be forever.
----------------------------
Monday June 11 2007
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company.
One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
----------------------------
Sunday June 10 2007
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her uttering the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?" and waited for some kind of response.
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next, he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"
This time the woman turned on him savagely, "What the f *%$ do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Aha, Air Canada!"
----------------------------
Saturday June 9 2007
Baseball story
Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day.
One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
Joe looks up at Moe from his deathbed, "Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." ! ; Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe, Moe."
"Who is it?" asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe -- it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?" "In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Moe. "The good news," Joe says, "is that there's baseball in Heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And
best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
----------------------------
Friday June 8 2007
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing
Quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
----------------------------
Wednesday June 6 2007
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O' Donnell ?"
----------------------------
Tuesday June 5 2007
A hat seller, on waking from a nap under a tree, found that a group of monkeys had taken all his hats to the top of the tree. In exasperation he took off his own hat and threw it to the ground. The monkeys, known for their imitative urge, hurled down the hats, which the at seller promptly collected.
Half a century later his grandson, also a hat seller, set down hi wares under the same tree for a nap. On waking, he was dismayed to discover that monkeys had taken all his hats to the treetop. Then he remembered his grandfather's story, so he threw his own hat to the ground. But, mysteriously, none of the monkeys threw any hats, and only one monkey came down. It took the hat on the ground firmly in hand, walked up to the hat seller, gave him a slap and said, "You think only you have a grandfather?"
----------------------------
Monday June 4 2007
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:WELL DONE.
NOW, SHAKE IT OFF, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, & TEE OFF.
----------------------------
Sunday June 3 2007
This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story......
Maybe not the one Most of you expect....
So, read on!
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist
From the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it...
That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly .
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is gonna be in serious danger.
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Saturday June 2 2007
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available, a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind a car ya' got there, sonny?"Not ten seconds later he sees
the moped bearing down on him again.
The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped
plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there
anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers weakly,
"Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
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Friday June 1 2007
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?". "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell" The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but......." He's a dead ringer for his brother!
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