----------------------------
Wednesday Jan 31 2007

This doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life.  He finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. 

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" 

"Yes, they help me sleep at night." 

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possible help you sleep." 

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks......and believe me, it helps me sleep at night." 

You Gotta' Watch Them Grandmas..........Gotta' Love Them 

----------------------------
Tuesday Jan 30 2007

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 

"You talk?" he asks. 

"Yep," the Lab replies. 

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" 

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." 

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." 

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

"Ten dollars," the guy says. 

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" 

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff!!

----------------------------
Monday Jan 29 2007

Biker 

A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed.  They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane . I would walk you home but I can't carry this stuff." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" 

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. 

On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously y then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me." "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your way with me?" 

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

----------------------------
Friday Jan 26 2007

Hangover Rating System 
 
 
One Star Hangover (*) 
 
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. 
 
Two Star Hangover (**) 

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion.  There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.  
 
Three Star Hangover (***) 
 
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once. 
 
Four Star Hangover (****) 
  
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.   (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. 
 
Five Star Hangover (*****) 
 
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the vomit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning.  Death sounds pretty good about right now.... 
 
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: 
 
Indubitably 
 
Innovative 
 
Preliminary 
 
Proliferation 
 
Cinnamon 
 
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: 
 
Specificity 
 
British Constitution 
 
Passive-aggressive disorder 
 
Loquacious Transubstantiate 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: 
 
 Thanks, but I don't want to have sex 
 
 Nope, no more booze for me 

 Sorry, but you're not really my type 

 Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight 
 
 Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

----------------------------
Thursday Jan 25 2007

Cheap drinks

Four retired guys, two from California and two from Arizona, are walking down a street in Chicago. 

Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar" "ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" 

They look at each other, and then go in. 

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll 
it be Gentlemen?" 

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 4 men each asked for a martini. 

In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." 

They can't believe their good luck. 

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. 

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again say ing, "That's 40 cents, please." 

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. 

They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. 

Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve 
martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?" 

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery 
for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same." 

"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. 

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. 

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bart ender, "What's with them?" 

The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida. 
They're waiting for happy hour." 

----------------------------
Wednesday Jan 24 2007

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and says, "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow & I have no idea what to get for her. She already has everything she wants & she's not giving out any hints so I'm stumped."  His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."  Joe thought that was a great idea- a classic 'win-win' situation.  The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did my suggestion go over?" "Yeah, a little too well" said Joe dejectedly. "What dya mean, didn't she like it?" His buddy asked.  "Oh she liked it alright! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour'!"

----------------------------
Tuesday Jan 23 2007

The Old Geezer:The doctor saw his old patient Tom, an eighty-year old farmer. 

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the doctor asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was.  

The doctor then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.  

Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Being the wise man that he was, the doctor realized, that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.   

Wanting his old patient's remaining years to be happy the doctor tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the farm,  knowing nature would take its own course. 

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one. 

About four months later, the doctor ran into Tom. 

"How's the new wife?" asked the doctor. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The doctor, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate those old geezers.  

----------------------------
Sunday Jan 21 2007

The husband put a gun to the naked man's  head. The wife shouted, Don't do it!  This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

 He paid for the Corvette I bought for  you.
 He paid for our new cabin  cruiser.
 He paid for your season  Bears Tickets.
 He paid for our  house at the lake.
 He paid for  our country club membership, and he even pays the  monthly dues!"

 Shaking  his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
 He looked over at the cab driver and  said, "What would you do?"

 The cabby said, "I'd cover him up  with that blanket before he catches a cold."

----------------------------
Saturday Jan 20 2007

A farm boy accidentally overturns his truck. His neighbour, hearing the noise, yells: ‘Wills, come for a drink. I’ll help with the truck later.’

‘I don’t think my dad would like me to,’ Wills answers.

 ‘Come on,’ the farmer insists. ‘OK,’ the boy agrees, ‘but my dad won’t like it.’

I After a few drinks and a hearty dinner, Wills thanks his host ‘I feel much better now,’ he says, ‘but I know Dad will be really upset.’ ‘I’ll talk to him,’ the farmer says. ‘Where is he?’ ‘Under the truck.’  

----------------------------
Friday Jan 19 2007

T ruck for sale !!! 

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. 

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." 

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did." 

(Are women good or what?) 

----------------------------
Wednesday Jan 17 2007

A cricket joke in honour of the recent victory by the Aussies over the Brits.

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. 

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. 

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. 

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child Welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to The English Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are "not capable of beating anyone."

----------------------------
Tuesday Jan 16 2007

The Nun at Hooters.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand..."Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, How about that drink?

----------------------------
Monday Jan 15 2007

A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland.  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. 
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats?" 
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

----------------------------
Sunday Jan 14 2007

Physical Education

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! 

SCROLL DOWN... 






































NOW SCROLL UP.. 

That's enough for the first day.  Great job. Have a Beer ... Want some chips?

----------------------------
Saturday Jan 13 2007

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.

He'd been out in the desert for about 6 months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, A gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle Of whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger asked the old man, "Hey ol' man, you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, ya ol' fool, You're gonna' dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, He holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, And pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around Looking down both barrels of the old man's shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to!"

Don't mess with old farts .

----------------------------
Friday Jan 12 2007

So you think you're a good driver ... eh? Let's see how well you can park a car! Click on the link below.

Use the 4 arrows on your keyboard, and the space bar for a brake.

This is addictive:-

http://www.107.peugeot.co.uk/peugeot.swf

-----------------------------

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French Customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. 
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport Ready." 
The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" 
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard Look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to." 

----------------------------
Thursday Jan 11 2007

This is well worth the read.


True Stories 

STORY NUMBER ONE 

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic.  He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.  Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.  To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie 
got special dividends.  For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day.  The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.  Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him. Eddie did have one soft spot, however. 

He had a son that he loved dearly.  Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object and, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.  Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he could not give his son; he could not pass on a good name or a good example. 

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult  decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. 

He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. 
To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great.  So, he testified.  Within the year Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. 

But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay.  Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine. 

The poem read: 
The clock of life is wound but once, 
And no man has the power 
To tell just when the hands will stop 
At late or early hour. 
Now is the only time you own. 
Live, love, toil with a will. 
Place no faith in time. 
For the clock may soon be still. 

STORY NUMBER TWO 

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.  One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission.  After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top 
off his fuel tank.  He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.  His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold: a squadron of Japanese aircraft were 
speeding their way toward the American fleet.  The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless.  He could not reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.  There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.  Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes.  Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another.  Butch wove in and out of the now broken  formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.  Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.  Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.  Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.  Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. 
It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft. This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of WW II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.  A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat 
at the age of 29.  His home town would not allow the memory of  this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of 
this great man.  So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. 

It is located between Terminals 1 and 2. 

******************************************** 

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER? 

Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son. 

----------------------------
Wednesday Jan 10 2007

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. 
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90." 

----------------------------
Tuesday Jan 9 2007

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU

IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,

WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

??????????????






*SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?
*

*HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!*




*YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG DARN HOUSE!*

----------------------------
Monday Jan 8 2007

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.
* * * * *
Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.

Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

----------------------------
Sunday Jan 7 2007

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

Terrible!" the roommate answered.

He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."

Wow! That's a very expensive car.

What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

----------------------------
Saturday Jan 6 2007

St. Peter is watching the Gates of Heaven, but has to run an errand for God, so he asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus says 'Sure' but St. Peter accidentally takes the list of the people who are supposed to get into Heaven with him. As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up to the pearly gates. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When he gets to the gates, Jesus tells him that he doesn't have the book, but asks the man to explain why he should be let into heaven. Jesus would make the decision based on his story... The old man explained, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England... I lived a modest life making things out of wood. I'm not remembered well by most people, but everywhere people remember my son who didn't come into the world the usual way. I sent my son to be among the people of the world. He was ridiculed by many, at times associated with some unsavoury characters, but tried to live his life by being honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for being here is to be reunited with my son." Jesus was awestruck by the man's story... he looked into the old man's eyes and said, "Father?" The old man's face brightened... he looked at Jesus and asked, "Pinocchio?"

----------------------------
Friday Jan 5 2007

BRAGGING RIGHTS

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free." 

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded." 

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." 

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" 

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.

----------------------------
Thursday Jan 4 2007

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

----------------------------
Wednesday Jan 3 2007

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the  strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the  juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out  would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters,  longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing  thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said  OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.  The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000,  and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a  lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRS.

----------------------------
Tuesday Jan 2 2007

The following is from an A-7 pilot....

The name of the A-7 jock is witheld to protect the guilty, but it wasn't me! Never flew the A-7

Two shorts stories about SR71s. Both happened late Sunday evening while I was on the way home from the Midwest on a long cross-country in my rusty A-7E cruising along trying to keep awake. 

The first time, and I think their call sign was Gunfighter (sounds a little too much like motion picture call signs, doesn't it?) I was coming across into Los Angeles airspace from Salt Lake when I heard "Center, Gunfighter 42, I think we are going to need a 360 on course to burn off altitude before we can descend into Edwards." 

"Gunfighter 42, Center, roger that. How much room do you need?"

"Utah and Arizona would be nice!"
==================================================
The last time I was farther east on Salt Lake Center , middle of the night again on a very slow night, when the voice came up: "Center, Gunfighter 51, we would like Flight Level 650." 
"Well, Gunfighter, if you can climb to 65,000 feet, I can tell you, it is all yours!" 

"Uh, Center, this is Gunfighter 51. We would actually like to DESCEND to Flight Level 650." 
======================================================
I heard one of the last SR71 pilots for NASA Dryden speak a few years back. He was asked what a typical mission was like.
"Well, we would take off from Edwards (California desert north of Los Angeles,) get up to altitude, hit the tanker (for refueling), then fly over to White Sands Missile Range (not far from El Paso, Texas) and check our telemetry, then fly up to the Canadian border and commence a Peacekeeper missile profile back to White Sands to calibrate their equipment, then fly home again." 

"And how long did that take?"

"About 35 minutes."

----------------------------
Monday Jan 1 2007

REAL 911 Calls

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart 
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.  Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.