When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

 When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

 In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the  time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

 When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
 excitement.

 When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

  So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.  When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now a lot older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits

The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

----------------------------
Monday Feb 26  2007

Creation
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-yea r life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you... 

----------------------------
Sunday Feb 25  2007

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. 

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. 

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. 

Variation Law: If you change lines in a store (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time) 

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 

Law of Bio-Mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee : As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location : No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 

----------------------------
Saturday Feb 24  2007

HOW MEN THINK

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.  We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we Used to enjoy together.  

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in Meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic".

"Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.  I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.  

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a Waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.  She teased me saying that tubby bald Men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.  Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to piss off. 

----------------------------
Friday Feb 23  2007

Supermarket Surround Sound

The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

----------------------------
Thursday Feb 22  2007

Gas Station Ingenuity

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales, which had been slacking off, and So, being creative in Hill Billy territory he came up with a sure fire way to get his business back. A sign large hand painted sign out by the dirt road that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon the first local Hill Billy  pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. The owner explained that if the customer guessed correctly he would get his free sex after he paid for a ten gallon minimum fill up. The Hill Billy guessed 8, and the proprietor 
said, "You were close... the number was 7.  
Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same Hill Billy, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.

Again he asked for his chance for free sex after paying for his 14 Gallon gasoline fill up. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The Hill Billy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they
were driving away, the Hill Billy said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No, it is for real, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.  My wife won twice last week."

----------------------------
Wednesday Feb 21  2007

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

----------------------------
Tuesday Feb 20  2007

An old southern country preacher form Georgia had a teenage son named David (AKA Rosebud) and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,
- a silver dollar,
- a bottle of whisky and
- a Playboy magazine
 
I'll just hide behind the door," the old preach er said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.  If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK, But if picks up the bottle, he's go ing to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects
on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a fighter pilot. 

----------------------------
Monday Feb 19  2007

Mark, a loving husband, was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really not happy with him. She told him, "tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE." 
 
The next morning, Mark got up really early before work. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough, there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway,  and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale. 
 
Mark is not yet well enough to have visitors.... 

----------------------------
Sunday Feb 18  2007

This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary. 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... 

WAY TOO COOL! 
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. 

Nothing! 
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. 

Awesome!!! 
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries... right? 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. 

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself 

against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. 

Am I wrong? 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading 

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!" 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... 

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. 
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!! 
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in 

the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. 

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still 
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. 

I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. 

Still in shock, 
Tommy

----------------------------
Saturday Feb 17  2007

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM* 
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines. 
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine. 
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 
Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. 
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

----------------------------
Friday Feb 16  2007

There is too much truth in this to be funny.
This is the way it is .......................
_____________

A Japanese company (Toyota ) and an American company (Ford) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. 

On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile. 

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. 

Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.  

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. The consultants advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American's rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant  Superintendent steering manager.  They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free
pens for the rower.  There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. 

The next year the Japanese won by two miles!

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

----------------------------
Thursday Feb 15  2007

While I was watching the NFL playoff games last weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that  I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle. She got up, unplugged the television, and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart a$$.

----------------------------
Wednesday Feb 14  2007

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and
enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

----------------------------
Tuesday Feb 13  2007

One winter morning in Michigan a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."  Norman's blonde wife went out and moved her car. 

A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Again, Norman's blonde wife went out and moved her car. The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..."
Then the electric power went off.
Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said. "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.

----------------------------
Monday Feb 12  2007

Will I live to be 80?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" 

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!" 

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" 

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" 

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" 

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" 

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." 

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to 80?"

----------------------------
Sunday Feb 11  2007

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.  Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

----------------------------
Saturday Feb 10  2007

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Vancouver. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese Food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" 
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." 

----------------------------
Friday Feb 9  2007

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

I am proud to be British

----------------------------
Thursday Feb 8  2007

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns over Women 
 
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.  

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road. 
 
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. 
 
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup. 
 
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. 
 
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space. 
 
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month. 
 
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?" 
 
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. 
 
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman.... 
 
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN 

----------------------------
Tuesday Feb 6  2007

SENIOR BREAKFAST 

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "YES!!" "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. 

----------------------------
Monday Feb 5  2007

At one point in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." 

"It's the act of doing things for other people, right?"

Then I heard these phrases using the word SERVICE:

Internal RevenueService
PostalService
TelephoneService
CivilService
City &County PublicService
CustomerService
Service Stations 

At that point, I became totally confused about the meaning of the word "service." But luckily today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It suddenly all came into perspective and I truly understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you're as enlightened as I am now.

----------------------------
Sunday Feb 4 2007

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh. Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.

----------------------------
Saturday Feb 3 2007

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.  Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"They won't let me fart."

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Friday Feb 2 2007

Football Explained By A Blonde

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all thebig muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing eachother over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

She said "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

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Thursday Feb 1 2007

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"