Monday Apr 30 2007The fine art of cussing -
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "Hell" and you say "Ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
Their mother walks into
the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for
breakfast..... "Aw Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK..! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man...?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios......
Sunday Apr 29 2007
Top Ten Things Men
Understand About Women.
Just smile and send it on.
Saturday Apr 28 2007
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!
Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Friday Apr 27 2007
Break Through from Apple Computer
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Thursday Apr 26 2007
Today's joke is dedicated to all the police
Things cops figure out....from experience on the job.
How about :
- The running speed of a Belgian Malinois is at least twice that of the
average out of shape tweaker. If you are going to attempt to outrun one, please calculate the "Rate x Time = Distance" formula ahead of time if you want to avoid getting bit.
- If they say they "just met" another person, then they are close friends who just committed a crime and don't want to be implicated with aforementioned friend.
Anyone who goes out of their way to acknowledge you is hiding something. Anyone who goes out of their way to ignore you is hiding something.
- If you get called to a 911 hang-up and a guy answers the door with a 9 month old child in his arms and says "Oh, the baby must have accidentally dialed it", he means he was just involved in a domestic that he doesn't want you to know about. Sometimes the same guy has a $25k felony warrant as well.
- If you borrowed a BMW from a friend it's not unreasonable to expect you to know your friends last name.
- If you rob a gas station you're only going to get $20, but I get to see a large K-9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $20.
- If I can see a 12 year old in your house finishing a beer bong I don't need a warrant.
- If they tell you they borrowed the jacket from a friend, just before you search it, they've got something, and it's still gonna be their jacket.
- We get coffee breaks too, and sometimes we run into stores and do some shopping during them.
- Any person who absolutely cannot sit still or hold a relevant
conversation to pertaining subject, and does not mention desperate need of the lavatory, is either: 1) illegally transporting something 2) under the influence or 3) possessing some felony warrant out for them.
- If I ask you the day or month you were born and you have to think about it I don't believe your answer.
- If the company you entertain includes crack, meth, and/or heroin users I may act like a professional when you call me for the burglary report but I'm secretly laughing my ass off at the poetic justice of the situation.
- Speaking to me and starting your phrase with, "Screw you, you can't do..." will quickly make you the victim of your own ignorance.
- EVERYONE lies. The bad guys lie to try to get out of trouble, the victims lie to make their plight sound worse and/or to make the bad guy look worse. The truth is usually somewhere in between.
- Nobody in the history of the world has ever had "just a couple of beers" and then ended up in contact with law enforcement under circumstances where the amount of alcohol they have consumed is a factor.
- I know ALL my cousin's last names. Especially the ones that I know well enough to borrow their car. So should you. Unless they aren't really your cousin.
- "I get a check" is not the answer that tells me you are a solid citizen when I ask you where you work.
- No bathroom, ANYWHERE, in any house, is large enough to fit everyone who was in the house when the shooting happened. If you tell me you were peeing outside when I point that out, you better be able to show me a wet spot.
- If you look right then left more than once while talking to my face, you are about to wear handcuffs or sit in the back seat of my unit, I do not like foot pursuits.
- If I ask you "is there anything in the car that's illegal" and you say "not that I know of" or "there shouldn't be".....I get very excited. it's like Christmas morning.
Wednesday Apr 25 2007
Who said Blondes are dumb!!!!!!
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his Order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of Headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear Stupid,
"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a Pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What Does he think
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three Pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side Up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a Moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the Flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might As well gas up!
FOR ONCE! THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
Tuesday Apr 24 2007
PAY ME A COMPLIMENT....
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot..
Monday Apr 23 2007Tool Glossary
DREMEL TOOL - A very useful tool for modellers which allows them to make more mistakes much faster, thereby turning $100 kits into spare parts, and completely justifying the purchase of another $100
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW!
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures. Also used as replacement for screwdriver.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Sunday Apr 22 2007
college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they
decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They
had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day
Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
Saturday Apr 21 200711 thoughts about life
11. Life is sexually
10. Good health is merely
the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
9. Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a
8. Give a person a fish
and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they
won't bother you for weeks.
7. Some people are like
Slinkies..... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but
smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
6. Health nuts are going
to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. Whenever I feel blue,
I start breathing again.
4. All of us could take a
lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3. Why does a slight tax
increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves
you thirty cents?
2. In the 60's, people
took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people
take Prozac to make it normal.
1. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Friday Apr 20 2007Bill and Tom
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now
reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead' Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in'.
'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.
Thursday Apr 19 2007
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.
Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart.
I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
Wednesday Apr 18 2007
A dad walks into a market
with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy
starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has
swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well
dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit
is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and
places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully
takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first
and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in
her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the
father! and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS."
Tuesday Apr 17 2007
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin".
"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times? "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 ! was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. . God I miss him! But now
that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're a Tax Man .... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Happy Tax time!
Monday Apr 16 2007
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Sunday Apr 15 2007
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye"
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Friday Apr 13 2007
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-EE) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (fla-chu-lents) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. !
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Thursday Apr 12 2007
Why we like the British - from British newspapers
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled."He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the
middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
A list of actual announcements London Underground have made to their passengers...
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his Elbow from his Backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street.. As you can see, Baker Street's closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like
"Beggars are operating on this train Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open. The two are distinct and separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your things into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Wednesday Apr 11 2007
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Sh*t! A talking pig!'
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Tuesday Apr 10 2007
A Dad pulled up next to
his little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in,
I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the Dad said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The Dad said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"
Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"
Monday Apr 9 2007
On a recent CO flight, CEO
Gordon Bethune had pre-boarded the aircraft and was sitting on the
flight deck chatting with the Captain and First Officer.
He left the flight deck just before pushback to take his assigned First Class seat.
A OnePass Platinum Elite member boarded just before the flight pushed, and was furious that he had not been upgraded. Seeing several First Class seats open, he began to argue with the flight attendant over why he had not been upgraded. The flight attendant said she would get a gate agent to look into the matter, but the Elite member began swearing at her profusely.
Gordon was on his way back from the cockpit when this occurred, and intervened, asking, "Can I help somehow?" The passenger said, "Huh? Who the f*** are you?"
"I'm the CEO of this company," Gordon replied. "May I see your ticket, sir?"
The passenger gave his ticket to Gordon, who saw a total fare of just under six hundred dollars. He then pulled out his billfold and peeled off six $100 bills, placing them in the man's hand. And then he tore the ticket up. "Now," Gordon said, "you get the f*** off my airplane!" The flight attendant could barely contain herself.
Sunday Apr 8 2007
Why Men Lie
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared.
The Lord asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
Saturday Apr 7 2007
This is uncanny!!!
Are you more male or female?
To find the answer, look down........
Not here, Dummy!! . . . Just look DOWN !!!*
Friday Apr 6 2007
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel
was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Thursday Apr 5 2007
Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Wednesday Apr 4 2007
Smitty left Newfoundland
and moved to Toronto and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The following
day, the farmer drove up and said, "I'm sorry, but I have some
bad news... the donkey died last night." "Well, den"
said Smitty, "Jus' give my money back den." "I can't do
that, sir. I spent it already." "OK, den. Jus' unload dat
donkey." "What are you gonna do with him?" "I'm
gonna raffle him off." "You can't raffle a dead
donkey, you dumb Newfie!" "Well dat's where you're wrong.
You wait an' you'll learn how smart we Newfies
are! A month later, the farmer ran into the Newfie and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars each and made $998.00" "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Tuesday Apr 3 2007
When Insults Had Class
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
-- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
-- Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man
-- Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
-- Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend....if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there
-- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of
-- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but
by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
-- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for
support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Monday Apr 2 2007
To Give Your Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Sunday Apr 1 2007THE MAN CODE Rated R
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSH*T. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly unmanly.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.