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Saturday Sept 30 2006
WOMEN'S
ASS SIZE STUDY
There
is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought
the results were pretty interesting:
25%
of women think their ass is too fat...
10%
of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
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Friday Sept 29 2006
A TRUE SOUTHERN LADY................
A very gentle Southern lady was
driving across the
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump,
you dumb Yankee."
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Thursday Sept 28 2006
Queen's English
Hey, since we're now living in the time of e-mail and the more common use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson.
So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind when using the Queen's English:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands and abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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Wednesday Sept 27 2006
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100mph, then
110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
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Saturday Sept 23 2006
The damn cat
Damn Cat!! You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a
night light, turned on the phone answering machine, covered their pet parakeet
and put the cat out in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to
leave their house. But as they were leaving, the cat they had put out into
the yard scoots past the husband and back into the house. The couple don't
want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the parakeet and
generally gets into too much mischief. The wife goes out to the taxi while
the husband goes back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the
man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver
to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver
that her husband
will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my
mother," she explains casually. A few minutes later , the husband
gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says as they drive
away."The stupid b--ch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her
with a broom stick to get her to come out! Then she tried to take off, so
I grabbed her bythe neck ...and I even had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me! Boy, you'd think at her age, she wouldn't have that
much fight left in her. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a
parked car...
----------------------------------------
Friday Sept 22 2006
I
hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just
finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of
work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to
start.
While
I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to
meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a
small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
When
opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was
wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a
kiss.
Afterward
he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better
of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled," when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
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Tuesday Sept 19 2006
When I had been married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
Aren't older women great! They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.... quickly!
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Monday Sept 18 2006
Hospital regulations require a
wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown."
----------------------------------------
Sunday Sept 17 2006
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant
up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor
looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can
do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said.
"Lord-it's 2006 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible
techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you
brink da
finkers?"
Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
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Saturday Sept 16 2006
I dialed a number and got the
following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you
are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us,
"Always try to keep the number of landings you make
equal to the number of take offs you make."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way
around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her
first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find
one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
----------------------------------------
Friday Sept 15 2006
Henry
A man walks into
the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and
the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Henry ."
Passenger: "Who?"
He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when
you needed a cab, things happened like that to Henry - every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Henry. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand
Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and
danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never
answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always
immaculate, shoes highly polished too - the perfect man!"
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Henry."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his widow."
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Wednesday Sept 13 2006
HUMOR - For Lexophiles (or
Punsters
1. A bicycle can't stand alone;
it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that
votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
----------------------------------------
Tuesday Sept 12 2006
Coroners Report
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector:
"First body: A Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while with
his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile."
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
lottery,
spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.
Danny Earl, the Nitwit, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
----------------------------------------
Monday Sept 11 2006
Johnny wanted to have sex with
a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and
said,"I'll give you a $100 if you let me have you!"
But the girl said "NO!"
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money
very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and
the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after
45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She replied, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its
entirety before
agreeing to it and getting screwed.
----------------------------------------
Sunday Sept 10 2006
This video is from a TV show where people said, "Hey, I have talent!" and judges would decide if they did or did not. When this couple did their act, there was no question. Everyone was floored. The video is about two minutes long and includes some snappy music. Also, it will look much clearer if you don't run it full screen. The bigger the picture the fuzzier it will look. They put on an incredible act. Perhaps you've already seen it, but it's worth seeing again.
http://www.youtube.com/v/RB-wUgnyGv0
----------------------------------------
Saturday Sept 9 2006
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand :
1. OTHER WOMEN
----------------------------------------
Friday Sept 8 2006
A PILOT'S LIFE
22 years old. Graduated from college. Go to military flight school.
Become hot shot fighter pilot. Get married.
25 years old. Have 1st kid. Now hotshot fighter jock getting shot at
in war. Just want to get back to USA in one piece. Get back to USA as
primary flight instructor pilot. Get bored. Volunteer for war again.
29 years old. Get back from war all tuckered out. Want out of
military.
30 years old. Join airline. World is your oyster.
31 years old. Buy flashy car, house and lots of toys. Get over the
military poverty feeling.
32 years old. Divorce boring 1st wife. Pay child support and
maintenance. Drink lots of booze and screw around while looking for 2nd
wife.
33 years old. Furloughed. Join military reserve unit and fly for
fun. Repeat above for a few more years.
35 years old. Airline recall. More screwing around but looking
forward to a good marriage and settling down.
36 years old. Marry young spunky 25 year old virgin flight
attendant.
37 years old. Buy another house. Gave first one to first wife.
38 years old. Give in to second wife to have more kids. Father
again. Wife concerned about "risky" military Reserve
flying so you resign commission.
39 years old. Now a captain. Hooray! Upgrade house, buy boat, small
single engine airplane and even flashier cars.
42 years old. 2nd wife runs off with wealthy investment banker but
still wants to share house (100%).
43 years old. Settle with wife # 2 and resolve to stay away from
women forever. Seek a position as a check Captain for 10% pay override to
pay mounting bills. Move into 1 bedroom apartment with window air
conditioners.
44 years old. Company resizes and you're returned to copilot status.
25% pay cut. Become simulator instructor for 10% override pay.
49 years old. Captain again. Move into 2-bedroom luxury apartment
with central air conditioning.
50 years old. Meet sexy Danish model on International trip. She
loves you and says you are very "beeeeg!"
51 years old. Marry sexy Danish model for wife #3. Buy big house,
boat, twin engine airplane and upgrade cars.
52 years old. Sexy model wants kids (not again). Resolve to get
vasectomy.
54 years old. Try to talk wife out of kids, but presto, she's
pregnant. She says she got sick after taking the pill.
Accident, sorry, won't happen again.
55 years old. Father of triplets.
56 years old. Wife #3 wants very big house, bigger boat and very
flashy cars, "worried" about your private flying and wants
you to sell twin engine airplane. You give in. You buy a motorcycle
and join motorcycle club.
57 years old. Make rash investments to try and have enough money for
retirement.
59 years old. Lose money on rash investment and get audited by the
IRS. You have to fly 100% International night trips just to
keep up with child support and alimony to wife #1 and #2.
60 years old. Wife #3 (sexy model) says you're too damned old and no
fun. She leaves. She takes most of your assets. You're forced to
retire due to age 60 rule. No money left.
61 years old. Now Captain on a non-schedule South American 727
freight outfit and living in a non-air conditioned studio apartment
directly underneath the final approach to runway 9 at Miami Int'l.
You have "interesting" Hispanic neighbors who ask you if
you've ever flown DC-3's.
65 years old. Lose FAA medical and get job as sim instructor. Don't
look forward to years of getting up at 2 AM for 3 AM sim in every
god-forsaken town you train in due to the fact your carrier can find
cheap, off-hours sim time at various Brand X Airlines.
70 years old. Hotel alarm clock set by previous FedEx crewmember
goes off at 1:00AM. Have heart attack and die with smile on face.
Happy at last!
----------------------------------------
Thursday Sept 7 2006
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him
that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just
shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT
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Wednesday Sept 6 2006
Here's the long and correct version of yesterday's joke.....quite interesting reading.
The question:
Over a generation ago, in 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Wheat Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the world's most successful of their
day. Now,
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a
pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to
die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed
suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the
most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became
of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He
was financially secure at the time of his death. The moral: Screw work.
Play golf. You'll live longer and be better off in the end.
Origins: This is a vintage piece of glurge, one which
appears to have been in continuous circulation since at least 1948. Over
the years it has been through a variety of alterations, with names being
added and dropped from the list, the fates of the various men changing in
severity, and different morals being tacked onto the end. In modern
versions many of the names are have become so distorted through
mistranscription to be almost unrecognizeable.
The introductory section about all these men meeting at Chicago's
Edgewater Beach Hotel in 1923 appears to be apocryphal: newspapers from
1923 make no mention of such a meeting nor suggest any event that could
plausibly have brought so many prominent men from several diverse
industries to Chicago all at the same time. Also, as noted below, some of
the entries are anachronistic in that they list men who did not yet hold
the positions ascribed to them in 1923. After sifting through stacks and
stacks of dusty old newspapers, we managed to assemble capsule biographies
of the men listed in all the variations of this piece we've collected so
far:
Last updated: 8 September 2003
----------------------------------------
Tuesday Sept 5 2006
In 1923, who was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately
became of them.The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However:
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most
important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of
him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf.
----------------------------------------
Friday Sept 2 2006
TRUE GOLFER
ONLY A
TRUE GOLFER CAN UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS TORY, ONE MUST
A man was
at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
He ended
up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a
Feeling
guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the
The
doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round
of golf didn't you? - I hope you're proud of yourself! - While you
were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club
The man
was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The
doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding - She died more
than
