Jokes for Oct 2006

Aircraft Resource Center

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Tuesday Oct 31 2006

31 Suggestions for a Safe & Happy Halloween

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never get within arms reach to check to see if it's dead. A rifle shot to the head from 5 feet away should do the trick.

NEVER read ancient script on an item aloud, unless you're absolutely sure you know what it does.

NEVER EVER read a book of demon summoning aloud, not even as a joke.

Do NOT search the basement, under any circumstances, especially if the power has gone out. Also, stay out of the attic. Nuthin in there but dust, cobwebs and creepy things.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, kill them immediately. It will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone. In fact, kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open the portals to Hell.

If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, Indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, DO NOT do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.

Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out!

If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

Ladies: Quick Tip- REMOVE your high heels BEFORE running. I know the ground is hard/cold/sticky/ all of the above, but it's better than a broken ankle.

Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.

If you see your friend, and he/she looks scared, DO NOT sneak up behind them and put your hand on their shoulder. Sure it's a good laugh for the moment, but it won't be so funny when it happens to you and it turns out to not be your friend at all.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, multilevel marketing, and so on, kill them immediately.

If you're walking forward, be sure to glance backwards every now and then. Also, it's best if you DON'T walk backwards into a room or down a hall. ALWAYS face the direction you're moving.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street , Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine .

Always check the back seat of your car.

If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it’s strange because you thought you had ¾ of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely while being eaten alive.

If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

If you enter a house and a disembodied voice tells you to "GET OUT," Listen to the helpful voice and leave.

Creepy old houses, campsites, or castles are never good places for a party.

If you have a dog, and it won't enter some place (ie. house, bedroom, garage, cave, etc.) Don't force your poor pooch to go in, and definitely don't leave your dog out and go in by yourself. Listen to your pal and leave with him. Maybe go to a nice park and play some catch... - Also, if your dog barks at someone or something, especially after you've told your pup to SHUT UP, don't just ignore it... Your dog is trying to tell you something... maybe now would be a good time to go to the park...play some catch.

For you cat lovers, if you see a cat hiding, DO NOT try to coax it out. There's a reason it's hiding. Cats can fend for themselves and most of the time, if crazy shit is going down, they know about it, and even more likely, they are probably in cahoots. Don't play their game!

Beware of strangers bearing strange tools, (i.e., chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from their deceased, previous companions).

If anyone offers you $1,000,000 to simply stay a night in a house. Just leave and go buy a lottery ticket. Your chances of winning the lottery are slightly higher than your chances of living through the night.

Always wear Garlic to bed and have a wooden stake handy. Also keep a sterling silver cross, and a gun loaded with silver bullets under your pillow. Wearing a steel neck collar wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.

If you ever do encounter yourself in one or more of these unfortunate situations and you make it out alive by using my guide, please drop me a line and let me know about it. If for some reason these tips should fail you and you die a horrible death... well…sorry bout your luck.

Disclaimer: These suggestions are just suggestions and should not be taken literally, illiterally or orally. We and our affiliates are not responsible for any damage, arrest, murder, lawsuit, injury or death resulting from adherence to any of these suggestions. These suggestions are presented AS IS and do not come with any expressed or implied warranty. Please do NOT try this at home. If you do, make sure there is a responsible adult supervising. And heed the words of Gorky the Cyclops “Always remember to wear Safety Goggles.”

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Monday Oct 30 2006

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on,
get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, pleaseremember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue,

"For those of you just boarding,we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen!

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Sunday Oct 29 2006

The Blonde's New Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through Okeechobee. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly,
knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamp determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, ! she shouts out "CRAP... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

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Saturday Oct 28 2006

WISDOM OF A WIFE............

There is still a lot of wisdom with age.

When I was married 30 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot, 25 year old blonde every night.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 25 year old blonde, and she would make SURE that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great??!!! They really know how to solve your mid-life crises!

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Friday Oct 27 2006

The moral to this story is.. don't ask stupid questions..

I used to have a Labrador Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall man who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned by eating it?

I told her no, the problem stemmed from the fact I'd been sitting in the street licking myself between my legs and a car hit me.

I thought the tall man was going to have stroke he was laughing so hard.

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Thursday Oct 26 2006

A man woke up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof, so he looked in the yellow pages and sure enough, there was an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He called the number, and the gorilla remover said he'd be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrived with a van containing a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean little dog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the little dog is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He handed the shotgun to the homeowner. Who asked, "What's the shotgun for?"
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

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Wdnesday Oct 25 2006

At a school fund-raising dinner the father of a Chush child delivered a speech that always be remembered by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff he cried out, "Where is the perfection in my son Shay? Everything God does is done with perfection. But my child cannot understand things as other children do. My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where is God's perfection?"

The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish and stilled by the piercing query. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like this into the world the perfection that he seeks is in the way people react to this child."

He then told the following story about his son Shay:

One afternoon, Shay and his father walked past a park where some boys whom Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they will let me play?"

Shay's father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most boys would not want him on their team. But Shay's father also understood that if his son was chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense of belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys in the field and asked if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his team mates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said "We are losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay's father was ecstatic as Shay smiled broadly. Shay was told to put on a glove and go out to play short centre field. In the bottom of the eighth inning Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the bottom of the ninth inning Shay's team scored again and now, with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning run on base, Shay was scheduled to be up. Would the team actually let Shay bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, let alone hit with it.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shaya should at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. One of Shay's team mates came up to Shay and together they held the bat and faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay and his team mate swung at the ball and together they hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have ended the game.

Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first. Run to first." Never in his life had Shay run to first. He scampered down the baseline wide eyed and startled. By the time he reached first base the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman who would tag out the still-running Shay.

But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions were so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second." Shay ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shay reached second base the opposing short stop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base and shouted, "Run to third." As Shay rounded third the boys from both teams ran behind him screaming, "Shay run home." Shay ran home, stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and made him the hero as he had just hit a "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection."

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Tuesday Oct 24 2006

Men's Merit/Demerit Guide

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.Sorry,that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team.....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-500

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in
responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"......-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned _expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying well, what do
you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000

Game Over - YOU LOSE

and you expected?

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Monday Oct 23 2006

Sam and Mike are walking from religious service. Sam wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Mike replies, "Why don't you ask Father Smith?"
So Sam goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
But Father says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Sam goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Father told him.
Mike says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question.
Let me try."
And so Mike goes up to Father Smith and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which Father Smith eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

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Sunday Oct 22 2006

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "Hell" and you say "Ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for
breakfast..... "Aw Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK..! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice,
"And what do YOU want for breakfast young man...?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios......

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Saturday Oct 21 2006

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish

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Friday Oct 20 2006

Bombs Away...

During World War II there was an undeclared mock war carried on between the fighter and bomber squadrons scattered over the English countryside. A pilot from a fighter squadron made a run on a rival airfield flying a vintage biplane trainer. His bomb load consisted of a well stacked sack of manure.

The next day a reprisal raid was launched by the bomber group, and their representative flew an antiquated trainer. Everyone scattered-anticipating a reprisal in kind; but instead a typewritten note leafed its way to the ground. The note read:

“We regret to inform you your commanding officer fell to his death on our airfield yesterday while carrying out a bombing mission. We share your grief and await the arrival of a representative to claim the body.”

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Thursday Oct 19 2006

Stand By Your Man

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I was laid off, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

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Wednesday Oct 18 2006

A trucker, who has been out on the road for three weeks, stops at a brothel. He hands the madam £500 and says: ‘I want your ugliest woman and a Spam sandwich.’ The Madam is astonished. ‘But sir, for £500 you can have one of my finest ladies and a three course meal,’ she says. The trucker replies: Listen, I’m not horny, I’m homesick.’

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Tuesday Oct 17 2006

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height:

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --
canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, "THEN" go smell the other dog or cat's rear
end. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

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Monday Oct 16 2006

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Sunday Oct 15 2006

For those of you who have sons & those of you who are happy that you don't.

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

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Saturday Oct 14 2006

Blonde Pilot

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only helicopter available was a single seat helicopter.

The Instructor figured it would be all right to let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor continued to talk via the radio.

Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly skimming the top of some trees and crashing into the woods.

The Instructor jumped in his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out of the wreckage.

"What happened?" the Instructor asked! "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "The higher I went the colder it became so I turned off the ceiling fan."

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Friday Oct 13 2006

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today. "

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy."don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

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Thursday Oct 12 2006

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:

YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES

YOU HAD NO WORRIES

YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL
IS AWAITING YOU...

YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN...

YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS...

YOUR BEAUTIFUL PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES...

SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE?

??????

In the wrong

Freakin house!!!

THATS WHERE...

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Wednesday Oct 11 2006

Wayne the Painter

There was a tradesman, a painter named Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down,

Washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)
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"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!

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Tuesday Oct 10 2006

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster??"

"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead, raining a virtual duck poop storm down on them. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf.

"Yumpin' Yimmny I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?

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Monday Oct 9 2006

Top Ten Reason's That A Motorcycle Is Better Than A Woman

10. A motorcycle's curves never sag.

9. You can ride your motorcycle on any day of the month.

8. Your motorcycle will never whine unless something is REALLY wrong.

7. You can kick your motorcycle to wake it up.

6. You can share your motorcycle with your friends.

5. If your motorcycle is too loose you can tighten it up without plastic surgery.

4. If you say things to your motorcycle you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

3. Your motorcycle won't insult you if you are a bad rider.

2. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your motorcycle.

And the number one reason that a motorcycle is better than a woman....

If you get a new motorcycle, you don't have to keep sending money to the old one.

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Sunday Oct 8 2006

What makes your state so special? I like the one for UTAH

ALABAMA ... Was the first place to have 9-1-1, started in 1968.
*
ALASKA ... One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.
*
ARIZONA ... Is the only state in the continental US that doesn't follow Daylight Savings Time.
*
ARKANSAS ... Has the only active diamond mine in the US
*
CALIFORNIA. Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.
*
COLORADO ... In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.
*
CONNECTICUT ... The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University.
*
DELAWARE ... Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.
*
FLORIDA ... At 759 square miles, Jacksonville is the US's largest city.
*
GEORGIA ... It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola.
*
HAWAII ... Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents in any other state.
*
IDAHO ... TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.
*
ILLINOIS ... The Chicago River is dyed green every St. Patrick's Day.
*
INDIANA ... Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which gets a half million letters to Santa every year.
*
IOWA ... Winnebagos get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the only state that begins with two vowels.
*
KANSAS ... Liberal, Kansas, has an exact replica of the house in The Wizard of Oz.
*
KENTUCKY ... Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.
*
LOUISIANA ... Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.
*
MAINE .. It's so big, it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.
*
MARYLAND ... The Oujia board was created in Baltimore in 1892.
*
MASSACHUSETTS ... The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.
*
MICHIGAN ... Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.
*
MINNESOTA ... Bloomington's Mall of America is so big, if you spent
10 minutes in each store, you'd be there nearly four days.
*
MISSISSIPPI ... President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here...
that's how the teddy bear got its name.
*
MISSOURI ... Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.
*
MONTANA .. A sapphire from Montana is in the Crown Jewels of England.
*
NEBRASKA ... More triplets are born here than in any other state.
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NEVADA ... Has more hotel rooms than any other place in the world.

*NEW HAMPSHIRE ... Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.
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NEW JERSEY ... Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.
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NEW MEXICO ... Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.
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NEW YORK .. Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in
1747 in Montauk.
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NORTH CAROLINA .. Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.
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NORTH DAKOTA ... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of North America.
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OHIO ... The hot dog was invented here in 1900.
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OKLAHOMA ... The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.
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OREGON ... Has the most ghost towns in the country.
*
PENNSYLVANIA ... The smiley, :) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University.
*
RHODE ISLAND . The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673
*
SOUTH CAROLINA ... Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko farm.
*
SOUTH DAKOTA .. Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.
*
TENNESSEE .. Nashville's Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.
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TEXAS ... Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco back in 1885.
*
UTAH ... The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in
1952. (Humm.....and I figured the first KFC was in Kentucky)
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VERMONT ... Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's

VIRGINIA ... Home of the world's largest office building ... The Pentagon.
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WASHINGTON ... Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state.
*
WASHINGTON D.C. .. Was the first planned capital in the world.
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WEST VIRGINIA .. Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.
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WISCONSIN ... The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sundays.
*
WYOMING ... Was the first state to allow women to vote.

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Saturday Oct 7 2006

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT
BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN
ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE
ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE
BELLDOESN'T WORK)
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Friday Oct 6 2006

The perfect day

Although for some of us every day is a perfect day, to others it might look something like this...

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner

9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil

10:00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, pedicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17 pounds

1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer

4:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror

7:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers

10:00 Hot shower (alone)

10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm

6:15 BJ

6:30 Massive satisfying sh*t while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en-route to airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (BJ en-route)

9:45 Play front nine - 2 under

11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon

12:15 BJ

12:30 Play back nine - 4 under

2:15 Limo back to the airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who also
bend over a lot displaying growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle

5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over, naturally).

6:45 Sh*t, Shower and Shave

7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated;

7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed
by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies...some bending over)

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing cold beer

11:30 A night cap BJ

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

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Thursday Oct 5 2006

The Happy Statues

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one
day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them,
"Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh*t on its head."

........AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!

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Wednesday Oct 4 2006

Blonde?

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"

1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

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Tuesday Oct 3 2006

The Irishman and the Almost Affair

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, ALMOST?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You are not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

He paused by the poor box for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you that's the same as putting it in."

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Sunday Oct 1 2006

Ramblings of a Retired Mind - some thoughts.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that "old age" is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

"Enjoy Your Days-----Love Your Life"
"Life is a journey to be savored."

Author unknown...