A new kind of Chain Letter
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything.
Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, 4 of whom were worth keeping.
REMEMBER ---- this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, but the next day he received a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a liquor store owner and a nymphomaniac. One man even got a woman who owns her own boat and likes to clean fish!
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again.
Wednesday Nov 29 2006
Shamelessly plagiarised from Messrs Cleese, Palin, Idle, Chapman, Jones and Gilliam - I'm sure they'd forgive me... :o)
written by Kevin Smythers
The Model Shop Sketch (with thanks to Monty Python's and their 'Cheese Shop Sketch')
RIVETCOUNTER: Good Morning.
HASEGAWA: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the National Model Emporium.
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, thank you my good man.
HASEGAWA: What can I do for you, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all plasticky.
HASEGAWA: Plasticky, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I want to build something, like.
HASEGAWA: Ah, modelling.
RIVETCOUNTER: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little injected plastic will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some plastic construction kits.
HASEGAWA: Come again?
RIVETCOUNTER: I want to buy some models.
HASEGAWA: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.
RIVETCOUNTER: (In a broad Yorkshire accent) Ooo, I like a nice tune - you're forced to.
HASEGAWA: So he can go on playing, can he?
RIVETCOUNTER: Most certainly. Now then, some models please, my good man.
HASEGAWA: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, eh, how about a little Monogram?
HASEGAWA: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Monogram, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh never mind, how are you on Testors?
HASEGAWA: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir. We get a new delivery on Monday.
RIVETCOUNTER: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout modelman, some Aires resin cockpits then, if you please.
HASEGAWA: Ah. It's been on order, sir, for two weeks. I was expecting it this morning.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Eduard?
HASEGAWA: Sorry, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Eastern Express?
HASEGAWA: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah. Airfix?
RIVETCOUNTER: Hawk? Fonderie Miniatures?
RIVETCOUNTER: Any Accurate Miniatures, per chance?
RIVETCOUNTER: ID Models?
HASEGAWA: ..... No.
RIVETCOUNTER: Frog or Novo?
RIVETCOUNTER: Matchbox, AMT, AMTech, Otaki, Alan, Classic Airframes, Imai, Zvezda, Italeri?
RIVETCOUNTER: Polar Lights, perhaps?
HASEGAWA: Ah! We have a Polar Lights kit, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You do! Excellent.
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir. It's, ah ..... it's a bit warped.
RIVETCOUNTER: Oh, I like it warped.
HASEGAWA: Well, it's very warped, actually, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: No matter. Fetch hither le plastique de la belle chance! M-mmm!
HASEGAWA: I think it's a bit more warped than you'll like it, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: I don't care how f***ing warped it is. Hand it over with all speed.
HASEGAWA: Oh .....
RIVETCOUNTER: What now?
HASEGAWA: The cat's stolen it.
RIVETCOUNTER: Has he?
HASEGAWA: She, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Anigrand Craftswork?
HASEGAWA: No, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You do have some models, do you?
HASEGAWA: Of course, sir. It's a model shop, sir. We've got .....
RIVETCOUNTER: No, no, don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
HASEGAWA: Fair enough.
RIVETCOUNTER: Er, HASEGAWA:?
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, well, I'll have one of those.
HASEGAWA: Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mr HASEGAWA:, that's my name.
HASEGAWA: Ah, not as such.
RIVETCOUNTER: Er, Roden?
RIVETCOUNTER: Special Hobby?
RIVETCOUNTER: Czech Master Resin?
RIVETCOUNTER: Super Model?.
HASEGAWA: Not today, sir, no.
RIVETCOUNTER: Ah, how about Tamiya?
HASEGAWA: Well, we don't get much call for them around here, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Not much ca- It's the single most popular model manufacturer in the world!
HASEGAWA: Not round here, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: And what is the most popular model manufacturer round here?
HASEGAWA: Revell, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it.
HASEGAWA: Oh yes, sir. It's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it.
HASEGAWA: It's our number-one best seller, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: I see. Ah, Revell, eh?
HASEGAWA: Right, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: All right. Okay. Have you got any, he asked expecting the answer no?
HASEGAWA: I'll have a look, sir ..... nnnnnnooooooooo.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's not much of a model shop, is it?
HASEGAWA: Finest in the district, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
HASEGAWA: Well, it's so clean, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: It's certainly uncontaminated by models.
HASEGAWA: You haven't asked me about Lindberg, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Is it worth it?
HASEGAWA: Could be.
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you- SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI UP!
HASEGAWA: (To dancers) Told you so.
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you got any Lindberg?
RIVETCOUNTER: That figures. Predictable really, I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir?
RIVETCOUNTER: Have you in fact got any models here at all?
HASEGAWA: Yes, sir.
HASEGAWA: No. Not really, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: You haven't.
HASEGAWA: No, sir, not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
HASEGAWA: Right-O, sir.
RIVETCOUNTER: (Shoots him) What a senseless waste of human life.
Tuesday Nov 28 2006
Why ignorant people should never be allowed to travel.
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
* I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
*A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
* I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in Africa." Her response...click.
* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
* I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
* Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
* A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
* "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
* A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double- checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
* A woman called to make reservations "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and I can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
Monday Nov 27 2006
28 ways to make meetings more interesting
1. Discreetly clasp hold of someone's hand and whisper can you feel it?" from the corner of your mouth.
2. Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person next to you for their approval.
3. When refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees, then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
4. Chew tobacco.
5. Wear a hands free phone headset throughout, once in a while drift off into an unrelated conversation, such as: "I don't care if there are no dwarfs, just get the show done!"
6. Write the words 'he fancies you' on your pad and show it to the person next to you while indicating with your pen.
7. Respond to a serious question with: "I don't know what to say, obviously I'm flattered, but it's all happened so fast".
8. Use 'Nam style jargon such as "what's the ETA?", "who's on recon?" and "Charlie don't surf".
9. Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re-arrange the figures accordingly.
10. Shave one of your forearms.
11. Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs, then avoid sitting on it when the meeting starts. When someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
12. Turn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out. Announce that you "love this dirty town".
13. Walk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for one minute.
14. Mount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.
15. Reflect sunlight into everyone's eyes off your watch face.
16. Gargle with water.
17. Repeat every idea they express in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering mouth.
18. Gradually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.
19. Hum throughout the meeting.
20. Pull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.
21. Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses hat white out your eyes.
22. Drop meaningless and confusing management speak into conversations such as:
"What's the margin, Marvin?"
"When's this turkey going to get basted?"
"If we don't get this brook babbling we're all going to end up looking like doe-eyed Labradors".
23. Produce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of idea-exchange.
24. Use a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
25. Announce that you've run off some copies of the meeting agenda. Then hand out pieces of paper that read:
My secret agenda
1 Trample the weak
2 Triumph alone
3 Invade Poland
Re-collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven't seen them.
26. Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
27. When referring to someone in the room always call them your "homey" or "dog".
28. Leave long pauses in your speech at random moments. When someone is prompted to interject shout: "I AM NOT FINISHED".
Sunday Nov 26 2006
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at
a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what ! happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless
Saturday Nov 25 2006
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is an older retired navy chief petty officer in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous young blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her, and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired chief and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old chief replies, "Sure,no problem, just get that damned lion out of the way."
Friday Nov 24 2006
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load
of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again
he asks the little old lady, " why they don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around older people.
Thursday Nov 23 2006
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the
cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the
stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other
monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result -- all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when
another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his
surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.
Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.
And that, my friends, is how Company Policy begins
Wednesday Nov 22 2006
Comparison between Aussies, Canadians, Americans and British
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Brits when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing patriots to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing it.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't watch much TV, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice at baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms (Brits) in every sport they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day," "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, urine-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, urine-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting urine.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers
Tuesday Nov 21 2006
I said to my wife, "Guess what I heard in the bar? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman on our road except one." And she said, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23."
Monday Nov 20 2006
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity, "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked,
"You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
Sunday Nov 19 2006
An Irishman's Tale
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for meself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way, he orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "It's just that I joined the Baptist Church and I quit drinking."
Saturday Nov 18 2006
Yes. = No.
No. = Yes.
Maybe. = No.
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry...
We need. = I want.
It's your decision. = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want. = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk. = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead. = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset. = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly. = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic; turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. = I want a new house.
I want new curtains. = And carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise. = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!?! = [Too late! You're dead!]
I'm hungry. = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy. = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired. = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense... let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Let's talk. = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy, then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I'm gay.
Friday Nov 17 2006
Top Ten Things You'd Rather Not Overhear from the Cockpit
10. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts IMMEDIATELY."
9. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get there."
8. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump."
7. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?"
6. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a cartoon."
5. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..."
4. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second engine!"
3. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!"
2. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?"
1. "TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!"
Thursday Nov 16 2006
T-SHIRTS FOR PEOPLE WHO TAKE NO CRAP:
1. I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
4. Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I'm multi-talented: I can talk AND piss you off at the same time.
7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
9. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
10. Guys have feelings too. But like . . . who cares?
11. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
12. Next mood swing . . . 6 minutes.
13. I hate everybody and you're next.
14. Please don't make me kill you.
15. And your point is . . . ?
16. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
17. All stressed out and no one to choke.
18. I'd ask if I cared.
Wednesday Nov 15 2006
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He was quite taken with her and it wasn't long before she felt the same about him, but he was loyal, and refused to cheat on Lorraine. His only option was to break up with her and fall into the arms of Clearly. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but couldn't bring himself to do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine fell into the river. The current carried her off never to be seen again. The guy stopped for a moment then ran off smiling and singing..."I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone."
Tuesday Nov 14 2006
Aliens are coming to abduct all the good looking and sexy people!!! You will be safe, I'm just warning you and saying good-bye.
Sunday Nov 12 2006
From a post by Julien (UK) on the ARC Air Forums
This can you believe was
written by a 13 year old girl as a homework assignment, her teacher sent it
to the Royal British Legion and they read it out today as they thought it
stood out from the other they normally get.
There Lie Forgotten Men
They lie there in their thousands
The last rays of sunlight
Catching the white of the gravestones
Lending a poignancy to the moment
Numbering in their thousands they lay
And yet the scarred green fields are empty
Nothing remains here
The processions of people vanished with the years
Their sacrifice all but forgotten
She stands there alone
At the edge of the silent place
And she is shocked
New wars brew and these forgotten men
Will play no part in them
The dead silence warns no ears but hers
In great halls in moments of great decision
What they fought for is forsaken
And by days end new gravestones
Appear on the blood red ground
She finds what she seeks
'Sgt John Malley Age 27'
His life brutally ended
And she stands by his grave
But he can give no answers
And she weeps for him
For the empty hole he left behind
And for the new emptiness
Soon to join the black chasm
And her tears join the flood
Saturday Nov 11 2006
In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918) Canadian Army
IN FLANDERS FIELDS the
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
Friday Nov 10 2006
What he really means.....
Translated: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Thursday Nov 9 2006
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice and you were so rude." Her husband replied, "Harriet, she's a prostitute." "I don't believe you..." she said, "that sweet young thing?" "come on, Harriet, let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the front desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us. OK?" Soon there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked "How much do you charge?" "Well $125 is the basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback, "$125?! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed, "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it." George said let's forget it. Let's go down to the lounge, we'll have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed at Harriet and said, "See what you get for $25?"
Wednesday Nov 8 2006
Children's Books You'll Probably Never See
*You Were an Accident
* Strangers Have the Best Candy
*The Little Sissy Who Snitched
*Some Kittens Can Fly
*Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
*Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
*Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
*All Dogs Go to Hell
*The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
*Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
*What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
*Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
*Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
*You Are Different and That's Bad
*Pop Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games
*The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
*The Tickling Babysitter
*Babar Meets the Taxidermist
*Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
*The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
*Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mommy's Purse
*The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
*Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
*The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
*Barney: The Prison Years
*Daddy's special balloon
Tuesday Nov 7 2006
Three men are talking about their love life. The guy from Italy says "My wife...lasta night I arubbed her body all over with olive oil...then we made wonderful love for five minutes".
The guy from France said "That's nothing......last night I rubbed my lover all over with red wine from the the south of France. We made love. She screamed for 10 minutes.
Then the guy from Canada says, "I got you guys beat. Last night I rubbed my wife's body all over with beer....and she screamed for 15 hours. The guy from France says "15 hours...how is that possible?" "How can you make a women scream for 15 hours?" The guy from Canada says "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
Monday Nov 6 2006
A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening that I have to talk to you about." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, shocked, says "How can this be?" The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me... what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "I tell you what... let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously says, "Yes!" The Rabbi says, "Take the poison."
Sunday Nov 5 2006
Conversation over dinner:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
Saturday Nov 4 2006
Man lying in bed with his wife
and the thought comes to him, 'How come she never moans and groans when we
are making love?' So he delicately shares this ponderance with the good lady
lying by his side. She comes back even more delicately with ' I did'nt
realise that you wanted me to darling.' So he says 'well it would be nice if
you did' and she replies 'ok I will remember that.'
Next time they are passionately involved and about to reach the magic moment she stops and says 'When are going to fix that fence? the garage needs painting and look at the state of your hair!!!'
Friday Nov 3 2006
The difference between engineers and technicians
An engineer is given a system which does not work. The engineer inspects the system and discovers a component installed upside down.
The engineer thinks, "this component has been installed upside down. I don't know why it is upside down , but the person who installed it obviously had a good reason for installing it this way. I will not tamper with it."
A technician is given a system which does not work. The technician inspects the system and discovers a component installed upside down.
The technician thinks, "this component is upside down. It should be installed right way up". The technician takes out a screwdriver and reinstalls the component.
The engineer is an intelligent person. All the engineer's friends are intelligent people. It would never occur to the engineer that the reason the component was installed upside down is that the person who installed it is a freakin' idiot.
Thursday Nov 2 2006
Love is grand! Divorce is a hundred grand!
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
There will always be death and taxes;
However, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
It' s frustrating when you know all the answers,
But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty,
It also begins to show.
I smile because I am your friend!
I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it.
Wednesday Nov 1 2006
A young man called Martin wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart's Christmas present.
As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart the panties.
Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many lips will kiss them during the coming years. I
hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love Martin.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.