----------------------------
Friday Mar 31 2006

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across   three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.

When   the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The   cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The   usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned   with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move   the cowboy, but with no success

Finally they summoned the   police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked,   "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Sam," the cowboy   moaned.

"Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the   Ranger.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, He says, "... the balcony..."

----------------------------
Thursday Mar 30 2006

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.

He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said.

"Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself .  It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

" Beertits," he said

----------------------------
Wednesday Mar 29 2006

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?" 

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for for sale"?

----------------------------
Tuesday Mar 28 2006

GUTS AND BALLS

What's the difference between "guts" and "balls"?

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and telling her, "You're next!"

----------------------------
Monday Mar 27 2006

Ah, fellow coffee drinkers! 

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. 

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. 

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take aspirin." 

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me  in a week to let me know how things went." 

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. 

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejesus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!" 

"Really? What happened? asked the doctor. 

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" 

"Why so terrible?" the doctor asked. "Do you mean sex with your husband wasn't good?" 

"Oh no, no, doctor. The sex was fine indeed. T'was the best sex I've had in 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again." 

----------------------------
Sunday Mar 26 2006

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife.  She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

----------------------------
Saturday Mar 25 2006

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL 
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. 

Class 1 
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. 
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. 

Class 2 
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? 
Round Table Discussion. 
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. 

Class 3 
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and 
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. 
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. 

Class 4 
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- 
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. 
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. 

Class 5 
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? 
Examples on Video. 
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning 
at 7:00 PM 

Class 6 
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. 
Help Line Support and Support Groups. 
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM 

Class 7 
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places 
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. 
Open Forum . 
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. 

Class 8 
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. 
Graphics and Audio Tapes. 
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. 

Class 9 
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. 
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined. 

Class 10 
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? 
Driving Simulations. 
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. 

Class 11 
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. 
Online Classes and role-playing . 
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined 

Class 12 
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion 
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. 
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. 

Class 13 
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. 
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. 
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. 

Class 14 
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. 
Live Demonstration. 
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. 

----------------------------
Friday Mar 24 2006

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cant handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud, I'll race you round the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs.

"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits, sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month!"

Moral of this story?

Don't mess with old farts - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance.

WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.  She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a fantastic week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.   Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.  She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells, or anything else that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (who NEVER really understood me), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy!   

----------------------------
Wednesday Mar 22 2006

Female verses Male Poem

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
And knows how to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

---------------

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

----------------------------
Tuesday Mar 21 2006

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a Handy Guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

  Dangerous: What's for dinner?
  Safer: Can I help you with dinner?
  Safest: Where would you like to go for dinner?
  Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

  Dangerous: Are you wearing that?
  Safer: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
  Safest: WOW! Look at you!
  Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate

  Dangerous: What are you so worked up about?
  Safer: Could we be overreacting?
  Safest: Here's my paycheck.
  Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

  Dangerous: Should you be eating that?
  Safer: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
  Safest: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
  Ultra Safe: Here, have some chocolate.

  Dangerous: What did you DO all day?
  Safer: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
  Safest: I've always loved you in that robe!
  Ultra Safe: Here, have some more chocolate.

  13 Things PMS Stands For:

  1. Pass My Shotgun

  2. Psychotic Mood Shift

  3. Perpetual Munching Spree

  4. Puffy Mid-section

  5. People Make me Sick

  6. Provide Me with Sweets

  7. Pardon My Sobbing

  8. Pimples May Surface

  9. Pass My Sweat pants

  10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

  11. Plainly; Men Suck

  12. Pack My Stuff

  and my favorite one ...

  13. Potential Murder Suspect

 Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning. And remember: Money talks, but Chocolate SINGS!!!

----------------------------
Monday Mar 20 2006

Let's hope that we never have the occasion to have to test this, but if you are it may save a life!! 

STROKE RECOGNITION - Remember SRS is the SOS for strokes

During a BBQ a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ - had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke perhaps Ingrid would be with us today.

It only takes a minute to read this-

-- A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He
said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed an getting to the patient within 3 hours which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps. Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.

Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.

2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

3. *Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . It is sunny out today)

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 (or 999 in UK) immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

Remember S R S is the SOS for strokes

After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage. 

A cardiologist says if everyone forwards the info to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

BE A FRIEND AND SHARE THIS ARTICLE WITH AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE, you could save their lives

----------------------------
Sunday Mar 19 2006

A crusty old man walks into a bank and shouts to the woman at the teller window 
"I want to open a f*cking checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say? "Listen up, I said I want to open a f*cking checking account now!!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
 The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks, the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no f*cking problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the f*cking lottery and I just want to open a f*cking checking account in this f*cking bank, okay?"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this fat bitch giving you a hard time?"

----------------------------
Saturday Mar 18 2006

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of those New Orleans Levees.

----------------------------
Friday Mar 17 2006

Irish humor

A little Irish humor for you this fine St Patricks day...

 Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.  If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he  meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to  heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group  together to go right now."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken sh*t"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the hood of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Mother of God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

----------------------------
Thursday Mar 16 2006

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together.  After the examination, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"  "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."  After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.  The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old son of a bitch!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December! 

(and all the young guys that read this are sitting  there saying...."I don't get it...")

----------------------------
Wednesday Mar 15 2006

It's a Sunday morning in an old rural church that is packed when *BOOM! CRASH*... thunder roars, the wind howls... and *POOF*! There in the middle of the church appears the devil. People start screaming. There's panic and mayhem as everyone runs for the exits...well... almost everyone. Two people are still there in the church, in the presence of Satan. One is the pastor, and the other is an old farmer. Well, Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the pastor and says, "You, I can understand not running and hiding from me. You are here in your Lord's house. You preach against me every day and you are not afraid. But YOU!" he points to the old farmer sitting calmly in a pew, "Why did you not run from me?" The farmer crosses one leg over the other, pulls the toothpick he was chewing out of his mouth... "Me? Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me. I've been married to your sister for 38 years."

----------------------------
Tuesday Mar 14 2006

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

----------------------------
Monday Mar 13 2006

If Dear Abby Was A Man...

Q: My fiancée still has feelings for his old girlfriends.  I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless.  It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners.  Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for  you.  Best thing to do is to buy him a Ranger Bass Boat, and  cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his  behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be very much encouraged.  The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.  Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner.  Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.  Best thing to do is to buy him a new hunting rifle, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you.  He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister.  Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together.  Why not get some cousins involved?  If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a Rolex watch, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. 

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it.  Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful.  It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin.  Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless.  Oral sex is extremely painful for a man.  This shows he loves you.    Best thing
to do is to thank him, buy him a pair of hand-made  Rattlesnake Cowboy Boots, and cook
him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband.  If you must mess with it, do it in your own time.  To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at RV/Boat Shows.  To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a solid gold money clip and a golf membership, and cook him a delicious meal. 

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man.  Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs.  Stop putting pressure on him.  Buy him a new set of golf clubs, and cook him a nice meal.  

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much.  He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself.  In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you.  Return this love by buying a full set of all of  Sears Power Tools, and cooking him a nice meal.  

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful.  What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood.  Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying the biggest Chain Saw on the market, and cooking a nice meal. 

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth.  It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit.  Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a Harley Davidson. And don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

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Sunday Mar 12 2006

Telephone... 
- Hello, are you there? 
- Yes, who are you please? 
- I'm Watt. 
- What's your name? 
- Watt's my name. 
- Yes, what's your name? 
- My name is John Watt. 
- John what? 
- Yes, are you Jones? 
- No I'm Knott. 
- Will you tell me your name then? 
- Will Knott. 
- Why not? 
- My name is Knott. 
- Not what? 
- Not Watt, Knott. 
- What?

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Saturday Mar 11 2006

Good Comebacks 
  
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"  
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
  
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there? 

----------------------------
Friday Mar 10 2006

Tax officials in Valparaiso, Ind., admitted in February that they mistakenly valued one house at $400 million (though its previous assessment was $121,900), and even though they recomputed the owner's bill, they failed to erase from the city budget the $8 million in tax revenue they were expecting from the property, including $3 million that they had already disbursed.

----------------------------
Thursday Mar 9 2006

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....

IN SPEAKING ABOUT WOMEN:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"

----------------------------
Thursday Mar 9 2006

Do you ever get people giving you strange looks when they find out you build models.......fear not....check out this guys website
http://users.tinyonline.co.uk/bigh/bigh/pylonof.htm

We are certainly not oddballs compared to this guy!

----------------------------
Wednesday Mar 8 2006

Scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg and London.

A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess. "Madam, what is the matter," the hostess asked. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat." "Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this Flight is taken. 

I will go to see if another place is available." The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, Just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is a seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class." Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued: "It is not Usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting." She turned to the black guy, and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class." At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded. 

----------------------------
Tuesday Mar 7 2006

Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

----------------------------
Monday Mar 6 2006

The phone rang. The lady of the house answered. "Yes?" 

"Mrs. Ward, please." 

"Speaking." 



"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. 
When your doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked. 

"Well, one Mr.Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for 
AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is." 

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs Ward. 

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." 

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" 

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

----------------------------
Saturday Mar 4 2006

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed.  The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.."
"My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile." "I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says; "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice; "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

----------------------------
Friday Mar 3 2006

"Susie, do you know your numbers?" The teacher asks.
"Yes," says Susie. "My Dad taught me."
"OK, what comes after three?"
"Four," Susie answers.
"Great. And can you tell me what number comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Excellent," Susie's teacher says. "Your Dad's obviously a very caring and attentive father. Now, what's after ten?"
"Jack."

(Think about it.....it will come to you)

----------------------------
Thursday Mar 2 2006

These are pretty funny… I know…I know…pretty silly…but hilarious!

1) Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2) A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3) Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4) A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 

5) A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6) Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7) "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"   "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8) Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9) An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10) Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11) I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12) A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13) I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14) What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15) Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!! Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1) A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2) Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

3) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4) Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5) Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.  "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7) A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egyptand is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8) These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby 
proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10) And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

----------------------------
Wednesday Mar 1 2006

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca and Gary - last names deleted.
STORY:
---------
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels... I can't decide."

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch.

(Rebecca)
Wanker.

(Gary)
Slut.

(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.

(Gary)
Eat shit.

(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(Teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one!