I am a crack dealer in Whalley who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Guildford and one of my sisters, who lives in Newton, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in New Westminster. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Kent for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Surrey Remand Center on charges of neglecting his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in North Delta and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited,
however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who voted Liberal?
Worried About My Reputation
Monday Jan 30 2004
A man walks into a bar and asks the barman: "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The barman considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the barman: "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The barman agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. Then, as the rat plays the blues, the man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies. "He's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the barman demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere half a million!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. The rat's a ventriloquist."
Sunday Jan 29 2004
You don't even have to be a mom to enjoy this one.........
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During
the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send
her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from
the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his
mother that read:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He
placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do
you know what I use this for?"
The nav replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
Friday Jan 27 2004
A woman goes to the doctor
for her yearly physical.
the nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's
high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
Thursday Jan 26 2004
Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket..
At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he! says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!"
Wednesday Jan 25 2004
men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given their new
The first man had married a woman from Indiana , and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Utah . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third had married an Alabama girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
Gotta love those Alabama girls!
Tuesday Jan 24 2004
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Monday Jan 23 2004
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"
Sunday Jan 22 2004
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful. Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
Saturday Jan 21 2004
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Friday Jan 20 2004
WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "Let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past
year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
Thursday Jan 19 2004
Pregnancy, Estrogen and Women
Pregnancy Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Wednesday Jan 18 2004
--- I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and! says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you're supposed to send this to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Tuesday Jan 17 2004
TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED
TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Monday Jan 16 2004
Snow Plow Preparations
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the power went out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says...
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Sunday Jan 15 2004
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy
goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
Saturday Jan 14 2004
the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, continually
stuck her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular
activities, but they feared her enough to maintain their silence.
made a mistake this
time, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic
after she saw his old pickup
parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically
told George and several others that everyone seeing it
know what he was doing. George,
a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend or deny. He said
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.
Don't ya just love ole George?
Friday Jan 13 2004
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair,
drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged
at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Rayban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
Thursday Jan 12 2004
A lawyer was in a sweat because he had an important meeting with the IRS and couldn't find a parking space.
up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me
a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life
and give up drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The lawyer looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."
Wednesday Jan 11 2004
Here's some observations from Angus...an ARC regular....regarding a bathtub joke run a month or so ago.....
have been wondering about the correct answer to the posting of the
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how he knew who should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the prospective patient and then we ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
Naturally those sharp enough and in the know will realise how simplistic this whole interaction is. How you answer this question, and indeed whether you use the thimble, cup, bucket or pull the plug depends on who you are.
‘Is the pay flat rate or do I get paid by the hour?’
‘Got a slide rule?’
‘Should be done by next week.’
‘I’ll schedule someone out to fix it when they can.’
‘Sorry it’s not my scale’
‘Squad! Jump to it!’
chiefs of staff:
‘Interesting proposition, but who filled the bath in the first place, what were their motives for leaving it, and did this act leave them emotionally scarred.’
‘I don’t have the authority, training, responsibility or insurance to empty that bath.’
‘Do you have the necessary cover for me to empty that bath?’
‘Can I count on your vote for emptying the bath? I promise that if I am voted in the bath will be emptied in pursuant with our policies.”
After a long intake of breath, shaking of head, ‘I don’t know. Hard to estimate these tricky jobs, so many things can go wrong.’
‘Bath! Water! Run away! Run away!’
‘Why can’t men do something simple and considerate like empty the bath when they’re finished.’
‘Why empty it? It looks clean enough for me to take a bath in.’
‘Does that mean I don’t have to take a bath today?’
‘If I place a large enough patient in the bath, all the water will be displaced and so empty the bath.’
Ramsbottom, 41 Acacia Avenue. Aged 14 ½:
‘I’m not touching that. It isn’t software.’
‘Obviously it’s not working. Tried hitting it?’
‘I’ll design a system to empty the bath automatically thus streamlining the process, and allow you to operate more efficiently and remove unnecessary staff my moving to your core competency. It should take about four years design and development, at a daily rate of 10,000 big ones.’
‘Not my problem.’
‘Can I put you on hold to find your details?’
‘How dare you patronise me! You’re a man, do it yourself.’
‘It’s the wrong colour. Those taps are awful. And the shape is so old fashioned. Is that a bit of dirt I see round the rim.’
foreign affairs strategist:
‘Do you mind if I take a bath? Oh, got any yellow ducks?’
Tuesday Jan 10 2004
Husband walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Monday Jan 9 2004
Weddings and traditions
A Jewish Wedding. A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah - a good thing within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing."
Sunday Jan 8 2004
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a very large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asks.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Saturday Jan 7 2004
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour
and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and
the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."
"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."
"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.
"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!
"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.
"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.
"After he died, I married his wife."
Friday Jan 6 2004
Daffy & The Parachute Jump
Try not to spend all day at this... it is a little addictive:
Subject: Proper tool definitions and use
A REAL handyman already knows most of this stuff!!
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted car
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop, on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you
couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-I NCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on
the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts, last over tightened, 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs.
It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following
our every deficiency in foresight.
Thursday Jan 5 2004
generation and the implications
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who got to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Wednesday Jan 4 2004
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell! phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Tuesday Jan 3 2004
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blond catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blond says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blond gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blond. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.. "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in MICHIGAN and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK.
Monday Jan 2 2004
***REAL TECH SUPPORT CALLS***
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...
it's still on my desk... sorry....
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to
the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical
on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find
printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here.
Ah...that one does work...
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple,
a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed
a screen saver on my computer, but every
time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is
a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle
next to me is under a window, and his printer
is working fine"
And last but not least.....
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task
list in the middle of the screen. Now type the
letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P"..... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT.
Sunday Jan 1 2004
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually have a chilli cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!
INEXPERIENCED CHILLI TASTER
Notes from an inexperienced chilli tester named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
Here are the scorecards from the event:
# 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
# 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: What the hell was I supposed to taste besides pain? I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the font part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted, and I worry it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with an ice-cream cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole In my stomach.
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli?