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Tuesday Feb 28 2006
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last Words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh,
Sh*t!"
Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, South Carolina, North
Carolina, Mississippi, Texas, Arkansas, Alabama and Kentucky were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try
somethin."
----------------------------
Monday Feb 27 2006
Who
couldn't love her?
Maxine was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she
noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of
slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were
two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles.
The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming
ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies'
room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting
for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet
none of you thought I would make it."
----------------------------
Saturday Feb 25 2006
Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a debate that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
----------------------------
Friday Feb 24 2006
Drinks Show Your Personality
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay
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Wednesday Feb 22 2006
Picture of the perfect woman:
Now scroll down to see the photo....
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Sorry....no image available
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Tuesday Feb 21 2006
Letter to pets
Dear Pets:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food,
the other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing
a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very
sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl
up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut,
it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or
get your paw under the edge send try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message
on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About
Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "furniture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
a. eat less (unless you have a lab or great Dane . . . )
b. don't ask for money all the time
c. are easier to train
d. usually come when called
e. never drive your car
f. don't hang out with drug-using friends
g. don't smoke or drink
h. don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
i. don't wear your clothes
j. don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
k. if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
----------------------------
Monday Feb 20 2006
Some Party
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars
were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner,
coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night," the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for
Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around
midnight that we started playing "Who am I?"
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play
that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a
time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates"
showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who
it is"
The mailman laughs and
says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that"
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your
name came up four or five times."
BE WARNED!
I don't how if you shop at Tesco grocery store, but this may be useful
to know.
I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me,
as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
This happened to me at Tesco in Yeovil and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your
windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a
tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having
sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday,
again on Saturday, and also yesterday.
----------------------------
Thursday Feb 16 2006
Courage
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter
asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came
upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed
them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or
you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
----------------------------
Wednesday Feb 15 2006
The Toll Booth
A truck driver skidded on the ice and crashed into the toll booth.
The attendant scrambles out and fixes the booth with a white putty.
In a few minutes the booth looks as good as new. The truck driver asked about the magic substance.
The attendant said, "Oh, that's just tollgate booth paste."
----------------------------
Tuesday Feb 14 2006
THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course, the rest is history......
----------------------------
Monday Feb 13 2006
Telemarketer
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl
Brummer". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl
personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the
side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he
had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify
in this murder case.
I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone
number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour
before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had
located his position and the police were entering the building to take
him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying
of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her
for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it was the best meal
in a long, long time.
----------------------------
Sunday Feb 12 2006
Generosity?
Men can be generous, so can women. Only those selfless and courageous people can give up their own well-being thinking about others.
This is an excerpt from a woman's diary:
Day 1
I am ready for the cruise. I packed my best dresses and I am excited!
Day 2
I spent the whole day by the sea, saw dolphins and whales. My holidays started beautifully! I met the Captain and I think he is a nice man.
Day 3
I went to the pool, did some surfing and played golf. The Captain invited me to dine at his table. It was an
honour, and I had a terrific time. He is very attractive and amiable.
Day 4
Went to the ship's casino and won $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner in his cabin. We had caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay but I refused. I told me I didn't want to be unfaithful to my husband.
Day 5
Went to the pool again and got a sun tan. After went to the piano bar for the rest of the day. The Captain saw me and treated me to a few drinks. He is really a charming man. Asked me again to visit him in his cabin tonight, but I said no. He said if I continue doing that he would go crazy and sink the ship. I was terrified...!
Day 6
I saved 1,600 people... twice!!!
----------------------------
Saturday Feb 11 2006
Las Vegas tourist
After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a
luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're
nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we
just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah
come from in Tennessee we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble
y'all for a piece uh ass (hint: ice) for mah drink."
----------------------------
Friday Feb 10 2006
CHILDREN
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?"
Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you? " said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it! " Adam said.
"Did not! "
"Did too! "
"DID NOT! "
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY:
IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”
----------------------------
Thursday Feb 9 2006
GUIDE TO TRANSLATING
"PERSONAL" ADVERTISEMENTS
Independent Thinker . . . . . . . Crazy.
High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . Crazy and irresponsible.
Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Huggable . . . . . . . . . . . . Large.
Zaftig . . . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY Large.
Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . Large and loudmouthed.
Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . Skinny.
Svelte . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anorexic.
Petite (I am). . . . . . . . . . Short.
Petite (you are) . . . . . . . . Size 2.
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy.
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . Pushy with a mean streak.
Excited About Life's Journey . . No concept of reality.
Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive.
Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and off medication.
Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and quiet.
Poetic . . . . . . . . . . . . . Manic-depressive and boring.
Looking for Mr/Ms Right. . . . . Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Very Human . . . . . . . . . . . Quasimodo.
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . Lacking basic social skills.
Irreverent . . . . . . . . . . . Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . Self-centered adult.
Freedom-loving . . . . . . . . . Undependable.
Young at Heart . . . . . . . . . Over 40.
Youthful . . . . . . . . . . . . Over 50 and in major denial.
Chatty . . . . . . . . . . . . . Never shuts up.
Humorous . . . . . . . . . . . . Watches too much TV and never shuts
up.
Financially secure (I am). . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.
----------------------------
Wednesday Feb 8 2006
BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
===================================
CALLER QUESTION
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
----------------------------
Tuesday Feb 7 2006
The ‘I Can't’ Funeral
Donna's fourth grade classroom looked like many others I had seen in the past. The teacher's desk was in front and faced the students. The bulletin board featured student work. In most respects it appeared to be a typically traditional elementary classroom. Yet something seemed different that day when I entered it for the first time.
My job was to make classroom visitations and encourage implementation of a training programme that focused on language arts ideas that would empower students to feel good about themselves and take charge of their lives.
Donna was one of the volunteer teachers who participated in this project.
I took an empty seat in the back of the room and watched. All the students were working on a task, filling a sheet of notebook paper with thoughts and ideas. The ten-year-old student next to me was filling her page with "I
Can'ts." "I can't kick the soccer ball past second base." "I can't do long division with more than three numerals." "I can't get Debbie to like me."
Her page was half full and she showed no signs of letting up. She worked on with determination and persistence. I walked down the row glancing at students' papers. Everyone was writing sentences, describing things they couldn't do.
By this time the activity engaged my curiosity, so I decided to check with the teacher to see what was going on but I noticed she too was busy writing.
I felt it best not to interrupt. "I can't get John's mother to come for a teacher conference." "I can't get my daughter to put gas in the car." "I can't get Alan to use words instead of fists."
Thwarted in my efforts to determine why students and teacher were dwelling on the negative instead of writing the more positive "I Can" statements, I returned to my seat and continued my observations.
Students wrote for another ten minutes. They were then instructed to fold the papers in half and bring them to the front. They placed their "I Can't" statements into an empty shoe box. Then Donna added hers. She put the lid on the box, tucked it under her arm and headed out the door and down the hall.
Students followed the teacher. I followed the students. Halfway down the hallway Donna entered the custodian's room, rummaged around and came out with a shovel. Shovel in one hand, shoe box in the other, Donna marched the students out to the school to the farthest corner of the playground.
There they began to dig. They were going to bury their "I Can'ts!"
The digging took over ten minutes because most of the fourth graders wanted a turn. The box of "I
Can'ts" was placed in a position at the bottom of the hole and then quickly covered with dirt. Thirty-one 10 and 11 year-olds stood around the freshly dug grave site. At this point, Donna announced, "Boys and girls, please join hands and bow your heads." They quickly formed a circle around the grave, creating a bond with their hands. They lowered their heads and waited. Donna delivered the
eulogy."Friends, we are gathered here today to honor the memory of 'I Can't.' While he was with us here on Earth, he touched the lives or everyone, some
more than others. We have provided 'I Can't' with a final resting place and a headstone that contains his epitaph. He is survived by his brothers and sisters, 'I Can', 'I Will', and 'I'm Going to Right Away.' They are not as well known as their famous relative and are certainly not as strong and powerful yet. Perhaps some day, with your help, they will make an even bigger mark on the world. May 'I Can't' rest in peace and may everyone present pick up their lives and move forward in his absence. Amen."
As I listened, I realized that these students would never forget this day. Writing "I
Can'ts," burying them and hearing the eulogy. That was a major effort on this part of the teacher. And she wasn't done yet.
She turned the students around, marched them back into the classroom and held a wake. They celebrated the passing of "I Can't" with cookies, popcorn and fruit juices. As part of the celebration, Donna cut a large tombstone from butcher paper. She wrote the words "I Can't" at the top and put R.I.P. in the middle. The date was added at the bottom. The paper tombstone hung in Donna's classroom for the remainder of the year.
On those rare occasions when a student forgot and said, "I Can't," Donna simply pointed to the R.I.P. sign. The student then remembered that "I Can't" was dead and chose to rephrase the statement. I wasn't one of Donna's students. She was one of mine. Yet that day, I learned an enduring lesson from her as years later, I still envision that fourth grade class laying to rest, "I Can't."
----------------------------
Monday Feb 6 2006
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
===============================================
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
===============================================
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
===============================================
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty." !!!!!!!!!!
===============================================
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
===============================================
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis" !
----------------------------
Sunday Feb 5 2006
Tired
Why Canadians are so tired
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, and too much pressure from my job, ear wax build-up, low blood or
anything else I could think of. Now I've found out the real reason I'm tired -- because I'm overworked.
Here's why:
The population of Canada is 30 million.
11 million are retired,
that leaves 19 million to do the work.
There are 5.5 million in school, which leaves 13.5 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 3 million employed by the federal government, leaving 10.5 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 8 million people who work for Provincial and city
Governments, and that leaves 2.5 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are 476,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,024,000
to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons and 812,000 on
Employment Insurance and Welfare.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And........... there you are sitting on your rear, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice
Real nice.
----------------------------
Saturday Feb 4 2006
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every
mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
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Friday Feb 3 2006
A young man moved into a
new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his
mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the
young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked,
her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else
on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He
followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she
purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be
your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My
ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work
out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no
blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is
my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said
you heard someone coming.... that was me."
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Thursday Feb 2 2006
Man of the House....
For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home. Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little
chicken-sh*t!"
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Wednesday Feb 1 2006
A baby boy had just been born. He had all his parts and seemed quite normal,
except that he was laughing, I mean laughing real hard.
All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy, in front of his worried parents.
But he kept on laughing. His tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes.
One at a time, a paediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was alright,
and...... guess what he found?
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The Birth Control Pill!
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