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Friday Sept 30 2005
1. My mother taught me TO
APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught be about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get
stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when you are
cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to
me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
---------------------------
Thursday Sept 29 2005
ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY .....
The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
---------------------------
Wednesday Sept 28 2005
This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a
New York Hospital.
It was sent by a medical doctor - Make sure to read what is in the closing
statement AFTER THE POEM.
SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.
---------------------------
Tuesday Sept 27 2005
GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN
1. Ever wonder about those people who
spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling
Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section
in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville
Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs,"
what does that make the
Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from
diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys
it?
5. There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
Messiah. Protestants do not recognize
the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith. Baptists do not recognize each
other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from
called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as
adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it
disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight
packages? Aren't they just stale bread to
begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano
called a pianist but a person who
drives a racecar is not a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced
onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and
clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge,
would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee
breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the
driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people
seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older; then it dawned on me
.....they're cramming for their final
exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed
their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks, so I wondered what do Chinese
mothers use? Toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of
criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why
don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look
for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to
help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear
until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of
lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A
through G?
---------------------------
Thursday Sept 15 2005
"I read recipes the same
way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not
going to happen."
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing."
"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table
had an argument going."
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to.
"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice
about men is they're a bunch of liars."
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
"All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism."
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.
"Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and
be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is
another theory which states that this has already happened."
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment,
and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
but they've always worked for me."
"You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video
and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of
immigration."
---------------------------
Tuesday Sept 13 2005
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jean!
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-xxx-xxxx"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space"
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
----------------------------
Monday Sept 12 2005
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should
be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come
to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too....you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of ...of.....!!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was
done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith faintly.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling; I could hardly concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.
" Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your... um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"
"Tripod???!!"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long.......Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's
fainted....!"
What's in a name?
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name. "Fred, " he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
----------------------------
Friday Sept 9 2005
Get out your hanky and dry them tears----
This will warm your heart............... Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches
at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new
radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human
kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and
live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now
and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio,
but before I received one, she would never let me listen
to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of
pieces It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my
ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna Walters
----------------------------
Thursday Sept 8 2005
Margarine was originally
manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who
had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their
heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money
back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow
coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like
it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.
DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating
the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other
foods.
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because
they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of
other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around
for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine..
Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers
HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol) Increases the risk of cancers up to
five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY
INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and
anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing
the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area.
Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should
tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value;
nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a
find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your
Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them
up")!
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Wednesday Sept 7 2005
Questions lawyers shouldn't ask
Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, in a small Southern town the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy! , bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail"
----------------------------
Tuesday Sept 6 2005
SUSPICIOUS
ACTIVITY
A couple
lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they
noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn't
unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would
approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak
to them.
Generally
the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but
occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money
for something she carried in her bag.
The couple
assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they
didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a
couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she
only approaches people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't,
and said so.
Then she
said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie
out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really
doing."
Well, the
plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down
with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
Well, is
she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly in a hushed voice.
"No,
she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well,
what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man
grinned and said, "She sells batteries."
"Batteries?!"
cried the wife with astonishment.
"Yes,....."
he replied calmly. I’ll tell you what she does.”
>
> TO
FIND OUT……….SCROLL DOWN .
>
>
>
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>(You're
gonna hate me for this... scroll down some more)
>
>
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>
>
>
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>A
little bit more...........
>
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>
>
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>"She sells C cells by the seashore."
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Sunday Sept 4 2005
Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Just smile and send it on.
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Saturday Sept 3 2005
Two boys are playing football at
this park in a small town in Alabama when one of the boys is suddenly
attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's
collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A local sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and
rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the
story and says, "I'll title it 'Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From
Vicious Animal.'"
"But I'm not a Bama fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we're in Alabama, I just assumed you were," says the
reporter and he starts writing again. He asks "How does Auburn Fan
Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' sound?"
"I'm not an Auburn fan either," the boy says. Oh, I thought
everyone in Alabama was either for the Tide or the Tigers. What team do you
root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm a Tennessee Vols fan,"
said the boy.
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook, and writes:
"Little Redneck Bastard From Tennessee Kills Beloved Family
Pet".
----------------------------
Friday Sept 2 2005
Short story:
Once upon a time there was a man who fell in love with a beautiful woman and he asked her to marry him.
She said, “NO!” and he fished and camped and built models and watched sports and drank beer and ate pizza and lived happily ever after.
----------------------------
Thursday Sept 1 2005
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in
the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome
by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have
you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into
the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him
out of the water and asks again. "Have you found
Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks
the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him
down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his
arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again
asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and
says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
----------------------------
