Jokes for Oct 2005

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.

When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get
a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,

"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Ole and Sven are neighbors in Wisconsin. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Minnesota.
He drives over to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens."
Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this cow in Minnesota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, How did ya know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."

A pilot died at the controls of his aircraft and went to pilots' hell, where he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms." He looked at the newly arrived pilot and said, "I'll be right back, don't go away," and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, the pilot peeked in and saw a cockpit where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight checks. He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarms rang and red lights flashed while the pilot had to avoid one emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate, he cautiously opened the third door. He was amazed to see a pilot getting ready for a flight while several crew chiefs diligently put the final touches on a perfectly maintained aircraft and other crew chiefs help him out of the ops truck and carry his helmet bag. The crew chiefs even brought him coffee and saluted sharply as they presented the forms for his approval.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.

"Okay," said the devil, "which door will it be, number 1 or number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered the pilot.

"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3, that's Crew Chief Hell."

Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that
came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

President Bush at the Airport...

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe, sandals, and holding a staff.

The President went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President.

Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent agreed.

"Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring straight ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead and didn't answer.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back.

"Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA JERRY
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossing the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 99, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So,where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody! thinks its going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel! , the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered t! he hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get the lousey hairdo?

Evidence provided by the reaction to hurricane Katrina has prompted a major research institution to recently announce the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium".
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons.

A preacher went to his congregation to ask for a raise because his wife was expecting a baby. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

These raises began to get expensive after six children, and the congregation held another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

From the back pew, a little old lady stood up and said, in a frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired Delta Airlines Pilot from Miami." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood.? How can this be?"

"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed.

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new apartment. After the grand tour, the visitors were
rather perplexed by the huge gong taking pride of place in the living room.

"What's that big bronze gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with
an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

"For f**k's sake, you a**hole, it's twenty to two in the f**king morning!!"

Two years ago we woke up to 6" of powder covering the city. The local 4x4 owners usually rush out into the snow to use their vehicles before the snow melts in the afternoon. I left the house early with my 2 young daughters for a bit of a drive in our 13 year old Toyota Previa AWD minivan (with snow tires all around) before I dropped them off for school. I decided to go to the top of a lookout we have in town so my daughters could see the whole city covered in white. As luck would have it we were the first to the top and I was impressed how perfectly our minivan performed in 6" of powder with a very steep grade. As we admired the view I heard the rumblings of a mid 60's Land Rover 4x4 coming up the road to the top. I watched and the owner crest the top and he had the look of someone that had just conquered Everest......his had a manly glint to his eye and his chest was puffed out with pride and his shoulders tall and proud. Then he caught sight of me with my goofy minivan already on the top of the hill......the smile faded from his face and he slumped down low in his seat and slinked back down the road. I guess he didn't notice the little letters on the side of the minivan door that read "AWD".

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina state anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used tomato can for a carburator.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get one of those girls you see advertised in telephone booths when you are calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind.

So I am in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

"Hello", the woman says. Wow! she sounded soooo sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I would like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys ~ everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby.

Now, how does that sound?".

She says.........

"That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press #9".

Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an 8 step stress management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts. It really works....

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the World".

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

8. See, You're smiling already.

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a care if you live to be 80?"

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked...........

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the
time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear"the rules"
from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!

Please note...
these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don 't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh
---------------------------
Thursday Oct 13 2005

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause its soooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she!"

DOCTOR'S ADDRESS TO A LARGE AUDIENCE IN TAMPA

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is
one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand,
and softly said, "Wedding cake?"

The 2004 True Stella Awards Winners (for stupid lawsuits)
by Randy Cassingham
Issued 31 January 2005

#6: The Tribune Co. of Chicago, Ill. The newspaper chain owns several
newspapers, as well as the Chicago Cubs baseball team. One of its
newspaper carriers was Mark Guthrie, 43, of Connecticut. One of its
ball players was Mark Guthrie, 38, of Illinois. The company's payroll
department mixed the two up, putting the ballplayer's paycheck into the
paper carrier's bank account. The carrier allowed them to take back 90
percent of the improperly paid salary, and said they could have the
rest after they gave him a full accounting to ensure he not only got
his own pay, but wouldn't have any tax problems for being paid
$300,000(!) extra. The Tribune Co., rather than provide that reasonable
assurance, instead sued him for the rest of the money.

#5: "High Tech" retailer Sharper Image sells a lot of its "Ionic
Breeze" air filters. As part of a comparative review of many air
filters, Consumer Reports magazine found the "Ionic" unit was the worst
performer. SI complained, saying it didn't do a "fair" test. CU asked
what sort of test should be done, but SI never replied -- until it sued
CU. A federal judge ruled the suit not only had no merit, but was
actually an illegal attempt to squelch public discussion. SI was
ordered to pay CU $400,000 to cover its legal defense costs.

#4: Edith Morgan, mother of Kansas City Chiefs football star Derrick
Thomas, who died after being thrown from his SUV in a crash while
speeding in a snowstorm. Morgan said Thomas's neck was broken because
the SUV's roof collapsed a few inches -- not from rolling down the
highway because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt -- and sued General
Motors. Her lawyer begged jurors to award more than $100 million in
damages, perhaps more -- he "did not want to put an upper limit on it."
GM pointed out that Thomas's oversize SUV was exempt from federal roof
crush standards, yet it met them anyway. The jury sent a message: of
that $100 million, it awarded Morgan ...nothing.

#3: Tanisha Torres of Wyndanch, N.Y. The woman sued Radio Shack for
misspelling her town as "Crimedanch" on her cell phone bill. She didn't
even ask them to change it; she just sued. "I'm not a criminal," she
whined. "My son plays on the high school football team." Yeah, that
makes sense. The name "Crimedanch" is a common joke; police in the area
confirm it's a high-crime area. Still, Torres claimed she suffered
"outrage" and "embarrassment" at having to see that spelling on her
private phone bill. The suit seeks unspecified damages.

#2: Homecomings Financial, a subsidiary of GMAC Financial Services,
which is a division of General Motors. The finance company accepted a
change of address notice from identity thieves for the account
belonging to Robert and Suzanne Korinke. The thieves ran up a $142,000
debt, and the Korinkes notified Homecomings of the fraud the moment
they discovered it. Homecomings sued them two years later, saying the
couple's "negligence" is what "caused the injury to Homecomings," not
the fact that the company accepted a change of address from fraudsters
-- and then gave them all the money they could drain. The victims got
the company to drop the suit, which demanded $74,000 plus attorney's
fees, after shelling out $5,000 in legal fees -- an outcome the
couple's lawyer called "really lucky".

And the winner of the 2004 True Stella Award: Mary Ubaudi of Madison
County, Ill. Ubaudi was a passenger in a car that got into a wreck. She
put most of the blame on the deepest pocket available: Mazda Motors,
who made the car she was riding in. Ubaudi demands "in excess of
$150,000" from the automaker, claiming it "failed to provide
instructions regarding the safe and proper use of a seatbelt." One
hopes Mazda's attorneys make her swear in court that she has never
before worn a seatbelt, has never flown on an airliner, and that she's
too stupid to figure out how to fasten a seatbelt.

Six elderly retired Floridians play high stakes poker in the condo clubhouse. A member of the group, Meierwitz, loses $5000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, not to make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name....leave it to me"

Goldberg goes over to the Meierwitz apartment, knocks on the door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $5000 playing poker, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. "I'd like to be six again, "she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again"?? Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size."

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

No matter how hard we try, Men can never win!!

Two blondes are sitting in StarBucks.
One looks at the newspaper and sees the headline,
"12 Brazillian Soldiers Killed In Conflict".

She then looks to the other blonde and asks, "How many is a Brazillian?"

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,
I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.."

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he
gooooes."

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

BUMPER STICKERS

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Earth Is Full - Go Home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

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Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Illiterate? Write For Help.

~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,

But is Miles From The Next Exit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed

Person.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph

Also Are Timed For 70 mph

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Guys: No Shirt, No Service

Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My

Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ax Me About Ebonics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boldly Going Nowhere.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.

~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heart Attacks: God's Revenge

For Eating His Animal Friends

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Honk If You've Never Seen

An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He

Admits He is Lost?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A BLONDE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And Lastly:

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

A woman, while at her mother’s funeral met a guy she did not know. She thought he was amazing and believed him to be her ideal man and fell in love with him straight away. But she never asked for his phone number and could not find him again. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister?

Think about it before you answer then scroll down.

She was hoping the guy would be at her sister’s funeral.

If you answered this correctly you think like a psychopath, an American psychologist used this test to see if subjects have the same mentality as a killer. Many convicted serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly.

If you didn’t answer it correctly – good for you.

A dedicated union steel worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized, shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes, sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, who then gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner. "But Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she's next."