---------------------------
Thursday Dec 1 2005

Bubba Claus - Union Replacement for Santa 

A memo from Santa regarding Santa's 3rd Cousin

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Alabama, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Louisiana and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. 

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Such as: 

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy. 

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty." 

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat" 

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." 

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 

And Finally, 
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 

Sincerely Yours, 
Santa Claus 

---------------------------
Wednesday Nov 30 2005

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.

I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

---------------------------
Tuesday Nov 29 2005

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack
of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?"
her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping
money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket
and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £25.
Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed
Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches
into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's
£10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her
skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet love of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta
affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer 
the
love'o Jesus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a 
bit."

---------------------------
Monday Nov 28 2005

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???" 

"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. 

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." 

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! 

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" 

Their Momma replied,! "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming' them all Leroy." 

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" 

"I call them by their last names."

---------------------------
Sunday Nov 27 2005

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

---------------------------
Saturday Nov 26 2005

A Woman walked into a pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said, "Lord, have mercy. 
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

---------------------------
Friday Nov 25 2005

Good Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to
talk.

Everyone else in he room stops to listen...........

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

---------------------------
Thursday Nov 24 2005

The Bathtub 
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how he knew who should be institutionalized. 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the prospective patient and then we ask him or her to empty the bathtub." 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." 

"No," said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a room with or without a view?" 

---------------------------
Wednesday Nov 23 2005

Tennessee football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. 

The Vol's head coach, Phil Fulmer, immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. 

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. 

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

---------------------------
Tuesday Nov 22 2005

BGC The original Computer


Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived 


And if you had a 3 inch floppy . . . . 

. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!

---------------------------
Monday Nov 21 2005

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden". ..and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. 

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb" 

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. 

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury. 

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. 

Coca-Cola was originally green. 

It is impossible to lick your elbow. 

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska 

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) 

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% 

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400 

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000 

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. 

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. 

The San Francisco C able cars are the only mobile National Monuments. 

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: 

Spades - King David 

Hearts - Charlemagne 

Clubs -Alexander, the Great 

Diamonds - Julius Caesar 


111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. 

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and CharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later. 

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? 

A. Their birthplace 


Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested? 

A. Obsession 


Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? 

A. One thousand 


Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? 

A. All invented by women. 

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? 

A. Honey 


Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? 

A. Father's Day 


In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight." 

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon. 

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." 

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's" 

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired
by this practice. 

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow 

.............................................................. 


Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can
read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd
waht I was
rdgnieg.The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to
rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are,
the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat
ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not
raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

---------------------------
Sunday Nov 20 2005

It was the mailman's last day, after 38 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, and old age pensioner presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they had finished, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. 
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring the coffee, the mailman noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All of this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for"?

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast was my idea!"

---------------------------
Saturday Nov 19 2005

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now
published by Court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these
exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or 35, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daugahter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the Bar exam?
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 21-year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's 21.
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh......
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress
when I go to work.
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on a table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
_____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising
law.
_____________________________________________________________________

---------------------------
Friday Nov 18 2005

A Redhead Story

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies.........

"You just happened to catch my eye."

A rude cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!' "
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "'Quality is Job One" " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "'Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, 
"Because it's "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!"

---------------------------
Tuesday Nov 15 2005

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" T he first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

---------------------------
Saturday Nov 12 2005

HOW TO STAY AWAKE IN MEETINGS: OFFERED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE...
 Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those  long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

 1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,  prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

 2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

 * synergy
 * strategic fit
 * core competencies
 * best practice
 * bottom line
 * revisit
 * expeditious
 * to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
 * 24/7
 * out of the loop
 * benchmark
 * value-added
 * proactive
 * win-win
 * think outside the box
 * fast track
 * result-driven
 * empower (or empowerment)
 * knowledge base
 * at the end of the day
 * touch base
 * mindset
 * client focus(ed)
 * paradigm
 * game plan
 * leverage

 3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

 4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

 TESTIMONIALS from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

 -- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - 
Adam W., Atlanta

 -- "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." -
David T., Orlando

 -- "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my
first win." - Dan J., New York City

 -- "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us
 waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver

 -- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for
the third time in two hours. The Bullshit Bingo Championship will be
played at the next meeting." - Rod H., Nashville

---------------------------
Friday Nov 11 2005

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Although he had been a doctor for years and had served in the South African War, it was impossible to get used to the suffering, the screams, and the blood here, and Major John McCrae had seen and heard enough in his dressing station to last him a lifetime.

As a surgeon attached to the 1st Field Artillery Brigade, Major McCrae, who had joined the McGill faculty in 1900 after graduating from the University of Toronto, had spent seventeen days treating injured men -- Canadians, British, Indians, French, and Germans -- in the Ypres salient.

It had been an ordeal that he had hardly thought possible. McCrae later wrote of it:

"I wish I could embody on paper some of the varied sensations of that seventeen days... Seventeen days of Hades! At the end of the first day if anyone had told us we had to spend seventeen days there, we would have folded our hands and said it could not have been done."

One death particularly affected McCrae. A young friend and former student, Lieut. Alexis Helmer of Ottawa, had been killed by a shell burst on 2 May 1915. Lieutenant Helmer was buried later that day in the little cemetery outside McCrae's dressing station, and McCrae had performed the funeral ceremony in the absence of the chaplain.

The next day, sitting on the back of an ambulance parked near the dressing station beside the Canal de l'Yser, just a few hundred yards north of Ypres, McCrae vented his anguish by composing a poem. The major was no stranger to writing, having authored several medical texts besides dabbling in poetry.

In the nearby cemetery, McCrae could see the wild poppies that sprang up in the ditches in that part of Europe, and he spent twenty minutes of precious rest time scribbling fifteen lines of verse in a notebook.

A young soldier watched him write it. Cyril Allinson, a twenty-two year old sergeant-major, was delivering mail that day when he spotted McCrae. The major looked up as Allinson approached, then went on writing while the sergeant-major stood there quietly. "His face was very tired but calm as we wrote," Allinson recalled. "He looked around from time to time, his eyes straying to Helmer's grave."

When McCrae finished five minutes later, he took his mail from Allinson and, without saying a word, handed his pad to the young NCO. Allinson was moved by what he read:

"The poem was exactly an exact description of the scene in front of us both. He used the word blow in that line because the poppies actually were being blown that morning by a gentle east wind. It never occurred to me at that time that it would ever be published. It seemed to me just an exact description of the scene."

In fact, it was very nearly not published. Dissatisfied with it, McCrae tossed the poem away, but a fellow officer retrieved it and sent it to newspapers in England. The Spectator, in London, rejected it, but Punch published it on 8 December 1915.

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Thursday Nov 10 2005

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Wednesday Nov 9 2005

The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So .... you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. "Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. 

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" 
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are evil.

Don't mess with them.

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Monday Nov 7 2005

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.  The man said to the dentist, Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, -my goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said,  "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts." 

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Sunday Nov 6 2005

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.  

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Saturday Nov 5 2005

Saskatchewan Farming 

A man owned a small farm in Saskatchewan near Prince Albert. The Provincial Labour Board heard he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. 
"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and every payday I buy him a bottle of rye whiskey " replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent. 
The farmer says, "That would be me."

This farmer sounds like me doing ARC.  ;-)

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Friday Nov 4 2005

Types of Sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period;
you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, 
so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each 
other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex by 
some.

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex This is when you get 
divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a month 
but it's not enough to live on...

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Thursday Nov 3 2005

ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

23. Good judgment is most often learned by exercising bad judgment.

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Wednesday Nov 2 2005

Exercise Routine 

New exercise routine. If you're over 30, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...


















NOW SCROLL UP.. .

That's enough for the first day. Great job!

Have a glass of wine.

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Tuesday Nov 1 2005

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb ?

Two - one to hold the bulb and the other to drink beer until the whole room starts to spin.