Jokes for May 2005

Aircraft Resource Center

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Tuesday May 31 2005

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.

Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, I said CHICKEN, you deaf b*stard!"

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Monday May 30 2005

Memorial Day began in the United States on May 30, 1868, after the Civil War had ended.

Flowers were put on the graves of both sides, in order to help heal the nation. It was later expanded to include all men and women who had died in America's wars.

It is now celebrated on the last Monday of May.

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The following passage is from a sermon by John Hagee of the Cornerstone Church in San Antonia.

Something to think about……

I want you to close your eyes and picture in your mind the soldier at Valley Forge, as he holds his musket in his bloody hands. He stands barefoot in the snow, starved from the lack of food, wounded from months of battle and emotionally scarred from the eternity away from his family surrounded by nothing but death and carnage of war. He stands though with fire in his eyes and victory on his breath He looks at us now in anger and disgust and tells us this….

I gave you a birthright of freedom born in the Constitution and now your children graduate too illiterate to read it.

I fought in the snow barefoot to give you the freedom to vote and you stay at home because it rains!

I left my family destitute to give you the freedom of speech and you remain silent on critical issues, because it might be bad for business.

I orphaned my children to give you a government to serve you and it has stolen democracy from the people.

It's the solider, not the reporter who gives you the freedom of the press.

It's the solider, not the poet who gives you the freedom of speech.

It's the soldier, not the campus organizer who allows you to demonstrate.

It's the solider, who salutes the flag, serves the flag, whose coffin is draped with the flag that allows the protester to burn the flag.

When you read this, please stop for a moment and say a pray for our U.S. military in Iraq AND all around the world.

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Sunday May 29 2005

Misbehaving

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So he called out one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called out another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the earth is in decline: 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because he wanted to encourage them -- give them a little something to help them keep going.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE E-MAIL SAID?

No?

I didn't get one either.

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Saturday May 28 2005

LAWNS & GOD!

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world
is going on down there in the USA? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect,
no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long
lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and flocks of songbirds.
I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these
green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers weeds and went to great lengths to kill
them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental
with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass
growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and
keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut
it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on
the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them
a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops
growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so
they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stoke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost
to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a
new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter
and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something
which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of
the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us
tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about ...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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Friday May 27 2005

This pretty well sums up my attitude about life.....

"Life's Journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting…Holy Sh*t!! What a Ride!!"

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Thursday May 26 2005

A warning to all you golfers...

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden...POOF!!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!" THEN, POOF....she was gone.
After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Dave yells back, "DON'T SWING, FRED!!
"For the love of God, DON'T SWING!!"

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Wednesday May 25 2005

Last Friday, the doorbell rings ...

I open the door ...
Mother-in-law, tears in her eyes : "Can I stay here for a few days?"
"Sure !" I said ...

Scroll

Scroll

This morning when I went to work she was still standing there ...

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Tuesday May 24 2005

A company appoints a new personnel manager. Determined to impress, he sets out to rid the company of all its slackers. On a tour of the facilities, he sees a young guy leaning against a wall. He walks up to the guy and asks: ‘How much money do you make a week?’ The young fellow replies: ‘I earn $400 a week. Why?’ The personnel manager hands the guy $400 in cash and screams: ‘Here’s a week’s wages, now get out and don’t come back.

He looks around the room and asks: ‘What did that slacker do here anyway?’ Eventually, one of the workers mutters: ‘Pizza delivery guy.’

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Monday May 23 2005

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him : "Daddy, what's Sex?".
"OK" he thinks "This day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets". So, he sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams.

Then she asks:
"Daddy, what is "A Couple"?.
And he carries on a couple are the two people involved in the sex, but this can be two males or two females and goes on to describe masturbation, oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, pedophilia, sex toys etc...

The father finally asks: "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "Sex" ?

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in . . . . . a couple . . . of secs..."

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Sunday May 22 2005

Married in Heaven
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer...

... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work
out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger,
slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

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Saturday May 21 2005

WalMart, an equal opportunity employer

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes".

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally lets out a thundering fart.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

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Friday May 20 2005

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma.

But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

"RETURNED UNOPENED"

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Thursday May 19 2005

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

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Wednesday May 18 2005

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face.

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"
The preacher fainted.

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Tuesday May 17 2005

Please pass this on to your wife, mother, daughters, grand daughters, neices, aunts, girlfriends, etc.

Advice for women regarding men:

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

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Monday May 16 2005

LOST
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard." He says. "She got into the back-seat by mistake."
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FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The
94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up
the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old
is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have
a beer."
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LITTLE LADY
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally
answered, "I'll take the soup."
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close
enough."
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad
at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ..but I just can't think
of your name! I've thought and thought,! but I can't remember it. Please
tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three
minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of them!"
______________________________________

MORE SENIOR DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and
said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

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Sunday May 15 2005

Friendship among Women:

A woman doesn't come home at night.
The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house.
The man calls his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them know anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man doesn't come home at night.
The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house.
The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends.
8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

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Saturday May 14 2005

Guys are so sentimental

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today." ----------------------------

Friday May 13 2005

HOW TO BATHE THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so the cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this).

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,
The Dog

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Thursday May 12 2005

How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

--------------------------------

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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Wednesday May 11 2005

blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office

for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow.

She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done,

the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes

home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!

She quietly sneaks out of the house and comes back at her normal time.

The next day the brunette says, "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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Tuesday May 10 2005

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.
First woman-- "I froze to death.
Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"

First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman -- "So what happened?"

Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."

First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

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Monday May 9 2005

Common sense cures and remedies using available household products:

Did You Know That? Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve
headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects
caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with
mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong
Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in
1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it
as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take
1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two
tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.
Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost
instantly -- even though the product w as never been advertised for this
use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey
and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin
sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail
fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful
antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from
loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to
the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just
saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain.
The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps,
hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the
insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground
instantly.

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the
splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter
sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste
as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring
the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few
drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar
and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness
and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a
few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse
well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the
rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet,
instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil
in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball.
Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the
mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix
2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the
microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your
hands for soothing relief from arthrit is pain.

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Sunday May 8 2005

Children talk to God:

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a
puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God,

I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

4. God, I read the bible.
What does beget mean?
Nobody will tell me.
Love Alison

5. Dear God,

how did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his
golf words in the house?
Anita

7. Dear God,

I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones.
I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

9. Dear God,

my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

10. Dear God,

do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does?
Nathan

11. Dear God,

did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

12. Dear God,

in bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

13. Dear God,

how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Billy

14. Dear God,

please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter

15. Dear God,

maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms.
It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God,

I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet.
What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

17. Dear God,

my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God,

if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God,

is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?
Donny

20. Dear God,

I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God,

it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

22. Dear God,

I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!
Frank

And, saving the best for last .

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night.
That was really cool.
Thomas

----------------------------

Saturday May 7 2005

Classified Ads

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. BITES.
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
---------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
--------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.
-----------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB --$850/offer
----------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
--------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY.
-------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
-------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
----------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER &DRYER $300.
-------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
-------------
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE &DONUTS
--------------

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer
needed. Got married."

----------------------------

Friday May 6 2005

Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Oh Shit!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

----------------------------

Thursday May 5 2005

PREDICTIONS

1. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."

-- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

********************************

2. "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

-- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

***********************************

3. "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country, and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."

-- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

************************************

4. "But what . . . is it good for?"

-- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip

***********************************

5. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

-- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

************************************

6. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value"

- Western Union internal memo, 1876

**********************************

7. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"

-- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s

*****************************************

8. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."

-- A Yale Univ. management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.

(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

*********************************

9. "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"

-- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

*****************************

10. "I'm just glad it will be Clark Gable who is falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."

-- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind"

****************************

11. "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."

-- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies

*********************************

12. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."

-- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

*******************************

13. You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."

-- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus fitness equipment.

************************************

14. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."

-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University , 1929

***********************************

15. Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

-- Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Prof. of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, Paris, France, ca 1912.

*********************************

16. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."

-- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse , 1872

**********************************

17. The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."

-- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria , 1873.

*******************************

And finally………….

18. 640K ought to be enough memory for anybody." -- Bill Gates, 1981

----------------------------

Wednesday May 4 2005

A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde.

The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

----------------------------

Tuesday May 3 2005

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.

The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand. Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.

"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.

"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids." "Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.

"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"

"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct." Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.
"What'd you clock me at?" "Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"

"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

"Please, Jack, in the car."

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?

Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket.

Jack began to read: "Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it-a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters All three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left." Bob

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message; please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.

Funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the sanctity of life, people think twice about sharing.

----------------------------

Monday May 2 2005

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, everyone inside dies and they are raised to heaven to meet their maker. Due to the grief they have experienced, God decides to grant them each one wish before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE', CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED !!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------------------

Sunday May 1 2005

A pilot walks into a bar and requests helicopter flavoured potato chips.

The bartender says "Sorry sir, but we only have plane chips!!"

----------------------------